Glances
by AndAllThatMishigas
Summary: Nick Buchanan and Jennifer Mapplethorpe, from "first meeting" to first meeting to love and heartbreak and, finally, to happily ever after.
1. Chapter 1

**Glances**

 _It was always a look. From the very beginning, just a moment of eye contact could connect them. Everything they had was born from a single glance._

Her eyes were what he'd missed most. Her voice and her charm, her soft skin and her silky hair, all things he had loved. But her eyes were always so expressive and always spoke volumes in the silence they'd always kept between them. So it was her eyes he was most excited to see.

Nick had known for quite some time that they were to be reunited soon. She'd gone on assignment to Counterterrorism, which was a perfect place for her, really. But she'd be coming back to Homicide. To the squad he had now joined. Honestly, it was a surprise they hadn't run into each other yet. She'd been with her team for almost three years now, but he'd been mercifully placed with a different unit. But with all the recent shakeups from on high, Homicide Squad had been reorganized and condensed. And here he was. Working with all her mates, some of whom he'd come up the ranks with years before, feigning disinterest whenever anyone mentioned Jennifer Mapplethorpe. As though the name didn't make his stomach tie in knots.

And there she was. He was holding a case of beer on his shoulder in the kitchen at Matt Ryan's place when she turned around. Nick felt his whole face light up. He couldn't help it. Regardless of the preparation he'd had, regardless of the pain and torment and utter heartbreak of the last time he'd seen her, Nick couldn't help but be elated to see her standing in front of him.

Her eyes went wide. Always so very expressive. She hadn't been expecting him. Apparently no one had given her any warning that they had a new squad member. Or perhaps they had but neglected to tell her it was Nick Buchanan. Probably didn't think it was important. After all, no one in the state police knew that they knew each other. They'd worked very hard to keep it that way.

"Hi." Her lips quirked into the smallest of smiles. Just polite friendliness? Perhaps.

He couldn't quite find words yet. His mouth had gone dry all of a sudden.

"Jen, have you met Nick?" Emma asked, breaking the awkward silence.

She looked from Emma and back up to Nick's face to find him smirk knowingly. "No," she replied, shaking her head.

His expression immediately fell. Ah. That's how she wanted to play it. Probably best that way.

Thinking quickly, Jen held out her hand. "Hi, I'm Jennifer Mapplethorpe," she introduced.

He shook her hand firmly. "Hi, Nick Buchanan."

Jen then quickly followed Emma with the drinks, barely glancing at him again. But that was enough. That split second of recognition in her eyes. Nick watched her walk away with sheer awe. She was back. It had been a long time. Too long. Or, perhaps, just long enough. Because any sooner, and they couldn't have looked at each other with a smile. No, those friendly glances would have instead been accusatory and grief-stricken. Time heals all wounds, so they say, and enough time had passed for Nick to be able to finally look at her and smile.

The rest of the evening, Jen was lost in thought, unable to focus on having any fun with her friends. Her heart was still racing from the unexpected encounter with Nick. Nick Buchanan. Barely a day went by that she hadn't thought about him. How could it? But seeing him again…everything came flooding back. The good and the bad. She couldn't bear to think of that now. Or ever. Jen wanted to focus on the good. He'd been such a good presence in her life, for a time. From the very first moment, that's what he was…good.

Three years earlier, Jennifer Mapplethorpe, freshly minted detective, had been recruited by Australia Secret Intelligence Service. Her test scores, coupled with her blonde hair and trim figure, had caught the attention of SIS. She had been brought to a secret location in the city and given a box of files to memorize all alone in a small hotel room.

The directive was simple enough. Trish and Wesley Claybourne and their import/export business would be used as surveillance for international drug and weapons trafficking. Jen would be Trish, but it was nearly a week before she met her Wesley. DSC Nick Buchanan was finishing up a homicide case and was delayed joining the team. Jen was struck, at the time, that of all the police in the whole country, her partner on this would one from her hometown with precisely the job she'd dreamed of all her life. She'd need to ask him about his work and, hopefully, when they got back, he could put in a good word for her to get a spot on Homicide.

Meeting Nick had been one of those surreal experiences that people write about in books or act out in movies. He was handsome, in a generic sort of way, and had an almost boring aura about him, as though he did nothing more in life than show up in warehouses in a suit and tie to nod politely at people around him.

But then, when they shook hands, something shifted inside Jen's very soul.

"Hi, I'm Nick Buchanan."

She just stared at him, smiling kindly, probably looking like right idiot. "Hi, Jennifer Mapplethorpe," she replied, after what felt like an age.

There was just something about his eyes, full of kindness and sincerity and the fire of determination, that Jennifer just couldn't seem to look away from. He made her feel all at once calm and focused and centered and yet slightly off balance, almost giddy.

Back at Matty's house, Jen looked at Nick across the table. Their eyes met for one brief instant. In that one glance, it all came back.


	2. Chapter 2

Jen was never really a nervous sort of person. She knew her capabilities, and she knew that if she worked hard and put her mind to something, she would succeed. But her first day undercover for SIS was one of the most terrifying experiences of her life thus far.

"Quick, when's my birthday, Trish?"

The low voice in her ear made Jen jump slightly. "October 18th," she replied immediately. Nick had quickly discovered that she was most comfortable when her mind was consumed by work. He had taken to quizzing her on their new identities. She'd had everything memorized for days; it had come much easier to her than to Nick. By asking her these questions throughout their time leading up to the start of their assignment, she'd been able to keep focused, and he'd been able to learn all the information.

"Well done, Mrs. Claybourne," he said with a nod.

Jen smiled. "Thank you, Mr. Claybourne," she replied.

"Alright, that's enough! We're getting ready to head out to the house. Change your clothes." Abdul Supomo, their SIS handler, threw bags at them so they could dress as Trish and Wesley.

A few minutes later, Jen emerged as Trish, wearing a floral blouse and a short skirt and a pair of high heels that made her feel as though she should be going to a nightclub, not starting a new life as the head of an import/export illegal trafficking business.

Nick came to join her wearing a pair of tight jeans and a patterned shirt and a leather jacket. His tall, proud stature seemed to shrink in the loud, ridiculous outfit he'd been told to wear.

Jen did her best not to laugh. She pressed her lips together tightly in a wry half-smile, and her turquoise eyes shone with mirth.

He saw that look on her face and pointed at her in warning. "Not a word, Trish. Or I might have to use my authority as a husband to comment on those shoes."

She did burst out laughing, and he joined her. The anxiety was gone for a moment, but soon returned. Abdul scolded them to keep it together and focus. It was time to go to the house. Time for Trish and Wesley to go to their home, such as it was.

The house was nice enough. Abdul told them there were cameras everywhere, since Trish and Wesley often conducted business at home. The closets and cabinets and refrigerator were all stocked with everything they'd need for a few days at least. Other agents were stationed in the house across the way so help was never far if they ever needed it. Overall, very standard.

Abdul gave them their first directive, to make contact with one of the known drug dealers in the area, and convince him to use Claybourne Shipping for his business. How exactly that got accomplished was up to them. And Abdul left them to it.

Nick and Jen sat at the dining room table of their new house for a few hours, going over a plan. They shared a few beers out of the fridge, and Nick threw together some dinner from the pasta and canned tomato sauce they found. Their conversation moved away from the job and onto other things. Jen's nerves slowly went away, thanks to the beer and Nick's comforting presence.

Eventually, however, it was time for bed. They went into the bedroom together and, of course, there was only one bed. The second bedroom in the house was converted to an office, which was more practical for their purposes than a guest room would have been. But it did present an awkward situation.

"You take the bed. I'll be on the sofa," Nick announced matter-of-factly.

Jen was taken aback. Such an arrangement hadn't occurred to her. They were posing as a married couple. Why wouldn't that include sharing a bed? She hadn't consciously thought about it at all, but it was a foregone conclusion in her mind. She looked at Nick, searching his face, trying to find a way to tell him he was being idiotic. But she'd only met the man a week ago. And even if she did tell him to share the bed with her, what would he think of her? So she said nothing and just nodded, waiting for him to take a pillow off the bed and get an extra blanket from the linen closet.

Nick briefly thought about the fact that a number of SIS agents were probably watching them at that very moment. Probably mocking him for his awkward chivalry. But the idea of people watching him get into a bed beside a beautiful woman he barely knew was too mortifying to contemplate. He would happily sleep on the sofa.

They continued with that arrangement for two weeks. During the days, they worked on plans to further their directive, going to the office for Claybourne Shipping, taking meetings with the various targets SIS had given them, and reporting back to Abdul. They had developed a comfortable routine together. Trish and Wesley were easier to live with. These other people were becoming more natural; the chore of pretending was fading away.

Finally, they got their first real break. Trish had made friends with the wife of one of the targets and had successfully gotten the Claybournes invited to a party. Trish wore jeans and a low-cut blouse, a nice change from the skirts that seemed to be her fancy, annoying Jen to no end. Wesley had stuck to his loud patterned shirts and leather jacket. They looked quite the pair as they arrived to loud music and flowing alcohol.

Jen watched as Nick altered his entire demeanor, preparing to be the gregarious, life-of-the-party Wesley Claybourne. He met her eyes and raised his brows in the slightest way, causing her to give him the most subtle smirk. Trish and Wesley had arrived at the party.

"You two are so lovely together. How long have you been married?" Lydia, the target's wife, asked Trish.

"Just over four years now. We've been together for almost ten though. We met in school," Trish replied.

"She used to flirt with me in our maths class," Wesley added.

"That was not flirting, that was annoyance of the way you would kick the back of my chair during the lecture!" Trish fired back good-naturedly.

Wesley laughed, "Well, it worked out, didn't it?" He put his arm around her and pulled her into his side, kissing her temple.

Jen felt a flutter in her chest that caught her off guard. She took a swig of beer to hide her momentary lapse of character.

All of a sudden, shots rang out through the house. A machine gun was fired through the front window. Nick immediately tackled Jen to the ground, shielding her from the spray of bullets. Beside them, Lydia screamed. She'd been hit in the shoulder. Her husband, Alex, was shouting and swearing, because he knew exactly who was firing on his house in the middle of his wife's party.

When it was all over, the party guests all scattered. The ones who were unharmed got out as quickly as they could. The injured and dead littered the floor.

"You okay?" Nick asked Jen, his voice low and quiet in her ear.

She nodded. Her heart was still pounding, but they were still in public. "Go make the move," she instructed, her voice barely over a whisper.

Wesley went to go talk to Alex, to calm him down and convince him that this turf war with the rival drug gang required a new import arrangement, which Claybourne Shipping was all too happy to provide.

Trish tended to Lydia, trying to quiet her and apply pressure to her gunshot wound. Thankfully, it wasn't too bad. The bullet had gone clean through without hitting anything major.

It was hours before Trish and Wesley could go back home. But they'd secured Alex as a client, so it was all worth it.

As soon as they entered their house, Jen allowed the weight she'd been shouldering to come crashing down. She wasn't Trish now. She was Jennifer. And Jennifer Mapplethorpe had never been shot at before. Despite her years as a police officer, she had never seen gunfire as a constable. Her training wasn't good preparation for the real thing.

Nick watched the change in Jen. It was palpable. He wasn't sure if he should offer comfort or allow her privacy to process the ordeal on her own. He settled on the latter.

She immediately went into the bathroom and took a long, hot shower. Crying a little did help, if only for the cathartic release it provided. But she didn't feel much better. Jen lay in bed, staring at the ceiling in the dark for hours. Being alone was making her feel anxious. In the midst of the shooting, being pinned underneath Nick had felt safe. It wasn't until after that she really understood what had happened. His presence had been a comfort. And he was just down the hall on the sofa.

Jen got out of bed and padded silently to the living room. Nick was asleep. She watched him for a moment, seeing the outline of the rise and fall of his chest in the dark. Jen tapped his arm.

He stirred immediately. "Jen? What's wrong?" he asked groggily.

She couldn't seem to put it into words. She just took his hand in hers and pulled gently. Nick seemed to get the message and got up, following her into the bedroom. Jen led him right to the bed and got under the covers on her side, finally letting go of his hand.

"Okay," he said simply. Nick got into bed with her, waiting for her to do something. Anything. What was it she was looking for? What were the SIS cameras going to see?

But Jennifer just fell asleep. Just having him there next to her, feeling the weight and heat of his presence was enough. Nick just watched her. He often found himself watching her. When they were in the midst of the job, living in public as Mr. and Mrs. Claybourne, he was always focused on their directive and the task at hand. But when they could shed those identities, Nick Buchanan couldn't seem to take his eyes off of Jennifer Mapplethorpe.

Jen shifted in her sleep, nuzzling up to Nick's chest. She sighed contentedly. Nick's heart began to beat faster with the closeness of her. He reached out and lightly stroked her hair. The blonde tresses were silky and smelled of something floral. With the scent filling his nose with every breathe, Nick soon fell asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Sharing the bed soon became very natural. Nick had been unsure, the next evening, what to do. But Jen had woken before him. She was in the shower when he got up, and he returned to the living room and found that his make-shift bed on the sofa had all been cleared away. Evidently, Jennifer assumed he would be sleeping in the bedroom. He didn't mind that at all.

For about a month, they both fell asleep beside each other each night without discussion. The topic of sharing the bed was never mentioned. Nothing beyond work-related subjects were ever talked about between them. Jen wasn't entirely pleased with the situation. She had always found that open communication was important to prevent misunderstandings or improper feelings one way or another. If an issue arose, it was best to address it before it got out of hand.

But she and Nick couldn't easily have those conversations. When they were in public or at the shipping office, they were Trish and Wesley, totally and completely. And when they returned to their undercover house, the SIS cameras were everywhere, picking up anything and everything they said or did. It was nearly impossible to have any sort of personal conversation when you knew you were being watched.

One evening, they'd stayed up very late celebrating a big development in their operation. The other SIS agents tasked with their protection, who conveniently posed as neighbors, had come over for beers and to congratulate Nick and Jen for their hard work paying off.

"Alright, one last toast to Wesley for proving his loyalty to drug dealing pricks, and to Trish for giving this idiot some credibility, because god knows he'd be dead by now if it weren't for her business savvy."

They all laughed. Jen teased, "Yes, it's amazing how legitimate you can look if you bother to learn the basics of the company you're supposed to be running!"

Nick grinned at her. She often chastised him for not being able to retain all the information from their case file as easily as she did. "We all know that you could run this operation all on your own if it didn't make criminals nervous to deal solely with a woman," he admitted.

Jen just smirked. "It's just as well. I don't much like being by myself when everyone I'm talking to has a gun and I don't." She turned to Abdul, their handler. "Speaking of which, are you sure I can't have a gun? Just a small one concealed?"

Abdul gave her the same answer he'd given since the beginning. "No gun for you. If anyone finds one on you, it'll be suspicious. Wesley isn't really supposed to carry, but I know I can't send you both in unarmed every day."

The answer never made Jen very happy, but she did understand the reason for it. Thankfully, her annoyance couldn't set in. Nick moved across the room to come sit beside her on the sofa. Inexplicably, she felt calmer when he was close. And she was quickly distracted by having one last beer of the night with her colleagues.

After everyone had left, Nick collected the empties while Jen did the dishes. He came to join her after taking the trash outside. "I'll dry," he volunteered.

She smiled. This was a familiar evening activity for them. Jennifer washed each plate and glass, handing them to Nick. "Oops!" she exclaimed, nearly dropping a wet dish.

Nick caught it before it fell. In the slight scramble, his hand ended up covering hers. They looked at each other, his warm brown eyes boring into her bright turquoise. Jen felt her heart start to race. Nick leaned closer, pulled toward her with a magnetic force. But she broke their eye contact, glancing up and around for the cameras. Her action reminded him of their predicament, and he froze. Nick gave her the subtlest of nods, understanding and agreeing with her. Reluctantly, he took the dish from her and took a step back. They glanced at one another and quickly looked away.

"Do you want to shower tonight or wait till morning?" Jen asked, breaking the silence between them.

"Whatever you want. I'm alright with either."

"I'm going to wait till morning, I think. I'm too tired to think about washing my hair right now," she replied, whining slightly. "So it'll be free tonight if you want it."

"I probably will. Though you might want to reconsider waiting on that hair," he teased.

Jen elbowed him gently as she smirked. They knew each other quite well at this point. Well enough to joke with each other like this. And well enough to feel comfortable in each other's presence, wherever they were.

Nick dried the last glass and went to the bathroom to shower. Jen put the last few things in the kitchen away and went to change into her pajamas.

She sighed to herself, not wanting to appear outwardly as she was feeling inside. It sometimes made her nervous, this comfortable dependence she was developing on Nick. Even now, when he was in the next room for ten minutes, she craved his company. And what was more, she was fairly certain that he felt the same way. He looked at her with an expression that was…Jen wasn't exactly sure what it was, but it was powerful and deep.

He came out of the bathroom in his singlet and sweat pants that he always wore to sleep. She slipped past him to brush her teeth while he got into bed. When she returned, they turned out the light.

Nick settled under the covers and let out a contented sigh. "You know," he said just above a whisper—hopefully quiet enough for SIS to not be able to hear, "I really like being married to Trish."

Jennifer grinned in the darkness, happy no one could see her face clearly. "Really? I don't much like being married to Wesley."

He faltered, unsure of how to respond to the rejection.

But she quickly added, "But I do love living with Nick."

They both rolled over to face each other. Nick tentatively reached out to stroke her cheek. She leaned into his touch. He was encouraged by her reaction. "I can't tell you how much I wish we weren't working right now."

"Or at least weren't being surveilled every minute of every day," she agreed.

"Jen, when this is over…" he breathed, afraid to finish his own thought.

"Yes," she replied immediately. "When this is over."

It was strange, Jennifer realized, that they only seemed to be able to talk when they couldn't really see each other. The light of day always precluded their discussions. That, and the fact that when they could see each other, they didn't really need the words. They already knew how the other felt, even if neither of them had ever said anything.

Jen scooted closer to Nick, nuzzling her face in his chest. He put his arms around her. In the nighttime, the relationship between Nick and Jennifer blurred with the relationship between Wesley and Trish. But that was because in the nighttime, they didn't need to be Wesley and Trish; Nick and Jen could be themselves, and all they wanted to do was be closer to each other. And for the time being, all they had was the silence and darkness of the nighttime.


	4. Chapter 4

"Good news, Claybournes, we're going to arrest you on Wednesday," Abdul announced upon entering their house on Monday morning.

Jen put down the dishtowel she was using to dry the breakfast dishes and came out to the living room to join Nick. "What's happening?" she asked, surprised at the quick development.

Abdul smiled. "We've got eight arrest warrants ready, thanks to the evidence you collected through Muhammad Hartono. Well, ten, including Trish and Wesley."

Nick was dumbfounded. "We…we're done? That's it?"

"You'll be picked up by some uniforms at the shipping office, taken back to HQ, debriefed, and sent on your way. You'll be back in your own homes on Thursday."

Jen looked to Nick, and they exchanged knowing smiles. They'd be free from the confines of their undercover lives.

"Nothing changes in your directive. No one can know you're leaving, least of all Hartono. But if you want to pack up your things, it'll make it easier on the agents who will be clearing out this house." Abdul took a sip of coffee from Nick's mug and left, leaving both Nick and Jen to frown at his impolite action.

"I'll get you another cup," Jen grumbled, taking the offending mug. Even after three months, they hadn't gotten used to his strange, overly familiar manner.

Nick followed her into the kitchen, standing behind her at the counter, just a bit too closely to be appropriate or professional. "Jen…" he whispered in her ear.

She wavered between melting against him, like she wanted, or moving away from him, like she knew she should when cameras were watching. But she couldn't decide which way to go, so she just stood still exactly where she was. She swallowed hard. "Two more days, Nick," she whispered back.

He stared at the back of her head, longing to tangle his fingers in her golden hair, press kisses up and down her neck. The skin at her clavicle looked incredibly enticing. For not the first time, Nick found himself wondering what it would taste like. He closed his eyes, trying to tamp down his desire for her. "Two more days," he agreed, stepping away from her.

Jen poured him another cup of coffee and turned to hand it to him. Her eyes glanced at his lips, and she fought the urge to throw the coffee on the ground and fall into his arms and kiss him. She'd fought that urge a lot recently.

Later that night, they lay in bed side by side, each staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. "Are you awake?" she whispered into the darkness.

"Yes," he replied, rolling over to face her.

Jen remained in her position. She didn't want to get too close. Not now that they knew exactly when they'd be able to be together.

"If you'd like to, I want to take you out to dinner on Friday."

A slow smile spread over her lips. Now she couldn't resist rolling over to look at him, as much as she could in the dark. "Are you asking me on a date?"

He grinned, his teeth reflecting in the moonlight. "Yes, I am. I figured we could probably use a night apart from each other in our own homes and, if you want to, I want to see you. As ourselves. Without hiding and whispering."

Jen felt her heart pounding right out of her chest. "Yes, I very much want to. Can you imagine? We can actually sit in a public place and have an entire conversation as ourselves!"

"Perhaps we can dress as Trish and Wesley. Just so we recognize each other."

She pressed her face into his chest to muffle her laughter. When she caught her breath, Jen told him very seriously, "I don't know how you dress on your own, but if I ever see you in another one of those awful shirts, I'll burn it myself."

He smirked. "I must say I don't mind Trish's outfits on you."

"Well, don't get used to that. I hate these awful clothes. I promise I don't dress so garish."

Nick gently stroked her hair. "You're very beautiful, and I can't imagine you look any less gorgeous in anything you'd ever choose to wear."

Jen could feel them entering dangerous territory. "Two more days," she whispered. "Go to sleep, Nick." She rolled over onto her other side to face away from him, protecting them both from whatever might happen.

By the time Wednesday arrived, Jen was a basket of nerves. She was excited to be done with the undercover work. She was anxious over what her life was going to be after she left. She was nervous about being convincing in these last few hours as Trish Claybourne. And every time she looked at Nick, every single feeling was amplified.

As they walked into their office for the last time, Wesley held out his hand to his wife. She took it with a strained smile. He gave it a comforting squeeze. "Everything's fine, Trish," he promised.

But waiting in their office was none other than Hartono himself. That was an unexpected development.

Nick could see that Jen was too off-kilter to handle this situation. He immediately took control. "Mr. Hartono, what can we do for you today?" he asked, smiling Wesley's smarmy grin.

"I've been told by some of my friends that your last shipment arrived late. Would you care to explain?"

Abdul had told them that the agents were going to start seizing back the cargo that had been used to gain intelligence about Hartono's network. But neither Nick nor Jen knew that they'd begun that before the arrests.

Jen was quicker to come up with something. Probably the adrenaline keeping her sharp. "We had a strike by some of our dock workers. Nothing too big, but just enough to disrupt operations. It's all been sorted. Nothing like that will happen again, I assure you," Trish told him.

That seemed to satisfy Hartono for the time being. "See that it doesn't," he sneered. He turned and left the office.

Nick closed the door behind their client before leaning against it, exhaling. "I thought for sure our cover had been blown. He'd seen the agents, or he knew something."

Jen slumped into the desk chair. "I know. I wasn't expecting to see anyone today except the police."

And right on cue, shouts rang out in the warehouse below their office. "POLICE! DON'T MOVE! POLICE! DON'T MOVE!"

Nick and Jen smiled at each other. Soon enough, they'd be among those shouting those familiar words.

Before the officers made it up to the office, Nick crossed over to Jen. "Goodbye, Trish Claybourne."

She stood up and held his hands. "Goodbye, Wesley Claybourne."

A moment later, they were being handcuffed and roughly led outside to squad cars, sirens blaring all around them.

The debrief at headquarters went quickly. Seven of the eight arrest warrants had been successfully carried out. Hartono had escaped and gone to ground. Trish and Wesley would be sentenced to seven years in prison, and the word would be spread on the streets so no one would go looking for the Claybournes.

And then, before they knew it, Nick and Jen were given back their belongings and driven back to their own homes.

Nick looked around his tiny, boring flat and felt strangely empty. He was glad to be out of the Claybourne house with all its surveillance. But being alone felt odd. And this place no longer felt like home.

Jen couldn't be happier to be home. She was amongst her own things. She fell asleep in her own bed with ease, something she'd not been able to manage in three months undercover. Waking up, however, was strange. She hadn't woken up without feeling Nick's presence in such a long time. The absence was palpable to her.

She fixed her hair and makeup just how she wanted them and wore her very favorite dress and waited anxiously for Nick to pick her up on Friday evening. Before they'd departed, she'd given him her address and he'd told her what time he'd come by.

He arrived right on time. An admirable trait. She involuntarily sighed happily as she watched through the window at him getting out of his car, wearing a green button-down shirt and what looked like a green and blue striped tie, and coming to her front door. She checked her makeup in the mirror before answering the doorbell.

His eyes went wide when he saw her. "Jen, you look…perfect."

"You don't miss those skirts?" she teased.

"This is a definite improvement," he said approvingly, admiring the way the blue silk was draped over every curve of her body. "Shall we?" he offered, holding out his hand for her.

Jen paused, chewing on her bottom lip. She looked from his hand to his eyes to his lips. Nick followed her gaze. Without waiting for an invitation, he took two steps forward and took her face in his hands and kissed her. Jen didn't even hesitate in reciprocating, her hands finding their way to his cheek and neck.

Their mouths moved against each other comfortably. Nick's tongue darted out against her top lip and she turned her head to deepen their kiss. All the months of pent-up attraction and affection were spilling out on the porch of Jen's little house. Nick wrapped his arms around her, pulling her impossibly close to him. He took a few steps forward, causing her to bump against the doorframe.

They were jolted out of the kiss by the impact. They stood there, in each other's embrace, panting breathlessly.

"I've wanted to do that for months," he told her.

She laughed softly. "Me too. Worth the wait though, don't you think?"

"Mmm," he agreed. He stroked her hair affectionately. "Do you want to go inside?" he asked as gentlemanly as he could manage.

"I think we should go to dinner," Jen replied, specifically not answering the question he asked.

He let go of her and took a step back. "Probably best."

"Nick, you've got to understand…" she began, worried she'd made him feel rejected.

"I do. We hardly know each other. I mean actually know each other. I know more about Trish Claybourne than I do about Jennifer Mapplethorpe."

She nodded. He understood perfectly. Perhaps they did know each other better than they realized.

"If dinner goes well, you can invite me in afterward," he quipped.

Jen lightly smacked his arm, laughing. She turned to lock her door.

When she turned back around, they locked eyes for a millisecond. But that was enough. Dinner was going to go very well.


	5. Chapter 5

"Dinner tonight…yeah, I could do that. Actually, instead of going out, why don't you come 'round mine?" Jen grinned, trying to hide her face behind her hand. "Yeah, that would be good…Alright, see you later." She hung up the phone at her desk and stared off into space, excited about her evening.

She and Nick had been dating for a few weeks. They went out for dinner or drinks almost every night, unless one of them was working late. Usually he was the one who had to cancel—Homicide called for some late nights. Jen used the time to herself to stay late at Fraud, doing in-depth research for her cases. She enjoyed the quiet. But she enjoyed spending time with Nick even more.

Jen had worried it would be strange, dating the man she had lived with, feigned marriage with, for three months straight. She thought there may have been some awkwardness, not being able to hide behind characters or a job. But instead they were just as natural together as Jen had ever experienced with a man. Other than scheduling around work, everything was just so easy between them. They each understood the other's commitments to the job, so that never got in the way. They loved the time they shared, laughing and talking and kissing in his car and at her front door.

The one thing that hadn't felt natural or easy was the issue of sex. They'd spent three months sharing a bed and falling asleep together. That, they knew how to do. That kind of trust and intimacy was second nature. But the other…it was as though they kept missing the other's meaning.

Jen kept waiting for Nick to make a move, do something more than hold her close and kiss her deeply. They'd kissed on her porch dozens of times since their first real date after leaving SIS. But nothing more than that. Nick seemed to be waiting for Jen to invite him inside. She would look at him and open her mouth to ask him in, but the words always seemed to get caught in her throat. So he would kiss her softly once more and say goodnight, leaving her weak-kneed at her front door.

And so tonight, Jen resolved to cook dinner for him herself. It wasn't as exciting as it might be for some new couples; she and Nick had cooked for each other for months. But he would be in her house, in her kitchen, all night. Jen couldn't stand any sort of awkwardness between them. It was infuriating. Besides, she hadn't had sex in quite a long time, and she very much wanted to get Nick into bed. And not to sleep.

Nick arrived at Jen's doorbell at exactly seven. She hurried to open it, wiping her hands on a dishtowel tucked into her waistband. "Hi!" she greeted brightly. "Oh!"

He held out a bouquet of tulips to her. "I don't like showing up to anyone's house empty-handed," he explained. "And I don't think I've ever bought you flowers before."

She grinned. "No, you haven't. They're beautiful, thank you." Jen took the flowers and put her free hand behind his neck to pull him down for a quick kiss. "Come on in," she invited.

"Your place is beautiful," he complimented.

"Thanks! It's really just a place to stay when I'm not at work, but I did try to make it into something I like."

He nodded, looking around at the floral landscape pictures on the walls, the red and gold tones in the rugs and furniture. "It feels like you."

She cocked her head, interested in his assessment. "Does it?"

"Warm and pretty."

Jen arranged the tulips in a vase in the kitchen, grinning. "You think I'm warm and pretty?"

Nick crossed around the counter to stand behind her with his hands on her waist, nuzzling into her neck. "Mmm," he hummed. "You're very pretty, and you've always warmed me right up."

She leaned back into his embrace, reaching around behind her to stroke his cheek. This evening was going exactly as she'd wanted. She allowed him to kiss and nip at her neck before she turned and began kissing him. His tongue slipped right into her mouth. Jen couldn't help moaning into him. If his mouth was good at this, she could only imagine how he'd use it elsewhere on her body.

DING! The timer on the oven went off, startling them off each other.

Nick moved away, allowing Jen to see to her cooking. "I've made that rosemary chicken you like," she told him.

He chuckled, "I forgot you've cooked for me before."

She laughed with him, "Yeah, it's weird, isn't it?"

"A bit, yeah," he agreed.

They sat at the kitchen table, eating and chatting as they'd done a hundred times. She asked him about his cases, fascinated by Homicide work. He told her as much as he was allowed. He asked her about Fraud, which was much less interesting, but he did love how excited she got about the work she did. Even if it was far beneath her abilities, as they both well knew.

After dinner, they cleaned up together. Jen washed the dishes and Nick dried them for him. He paused, holding a plate in his hand. "I just realized I don't know where your dishes go. We've done this dozens of times, I just forgot that this was different."

She turned off the water on the sink and dried her hands. "There's a lot of that, isn't there? So much is the same but just slightly different. We worked so hard to change our instincts to be Trish and Wesley. It's like we've got to retrain ourselves to be Jen and Nick, eh?"

"Yeah, I guess so." He put the plate on the table and leaned against the counter, his arms folded across his chest. "I guess that's why things between us are…off."

"Off?"

He raised his brow at her. She nodded in understanding. "Everything is so easy with you, Jen. And I know you feel it too."

She nodded again. "Then why do we keep missing the mark? I mean honestly, Nick, what are we waiting for? I think it's fair to say that we've wanted each other from practically the moment we met."

His eye lit up. "The moment we met?"

Jen glanced at his excited warm, hazel eyes. She just smirked.

Nick furrowed his brow, thinking. "Could we just be making too much of this? Just sort of rip the band-aid off, as it were?"

She snorted, "That's a wonderfully romantic way to put it."

He turned, standing close in front of her. "Oh I can romance you, Jennifer, if that's what you want." His voice had gone low and husky.

Jen liked this shift in mood. "I'd like that," she murmured, reaching up to stroke his cheek and neck.

Nick took the invitation to kiss her. It was slow, sultry, and deliberate. He broke away and whispered, "We should finish the dishes."

"We can do it in the morning," she replied breathlessly.

"Am I staying over?" His hands moved up and down her waist, brushing the sides of her breasts.

She hummed in appreciation. "I hope so. I've missed waking up next to you."

"I can barely sleep without you," he confessed, moving in to kiss her again.

It seemed that their agreement about their situation had opened the floodgates of their passion. Everything they'd tried to ignore and suppress for months came crashing through. Jen's fingers clawed at the collar of his shirt, trying to loosen his tie and fiddle with the buttons, expose more of him to her. Nick had already untucked Jen's blouse from her trousers to reach her bare skin.

"Where's your bedroom?" he asked, his voice muffled into her neck.

She chuckled and pulled away from him. With a glint in her eye, she took hold of his tie and led him down the hallway. He followed eagerly, happy for her to hold his leash.

Their lovemaking was passionate and exciting, but tender and romantic. Nick worshiped her body in all the ways he'd fantasized about when he knew he shouldn't. Jennifer reveled in the feeling of him on her, in her. She hadn't fully realized how much she'd wanted him before now. Now, she knew she'd never get enough. The care and attention he paid her was that of a man in love. And before she'd met Nick, that realization would have terrified her. But with him, it made her heart expand in her chest, warming her from the inside out.

They fell asleep holding each other, as they'd done many times before. This time, however, there were no barriers between them. No job. No clothes. No awkwardness. No surveillance.

After that, Nick spent more nights at Jen's house than he did at his own. He hated that tiny flat anyway. In fact, he'd begun looking for a new place. A house, perhaps. Something big that he could renovate. Somewhere they could make a home of. Together. There was no doubt in his mind about that now.


	6. Chapter 6

Nick hung up his cell phone, sitting at his desk, feeling mildly ill. After a moment, he stood up and went outside for a little privacy. He took his phone out again and dialed Jen's number.

"Hi, stranger," she answered, a grin evident in her voice.

He smiled slightly. Hearing her voice made him feel better. "Hi. Listen, I got some news."

"What's going on?"

"Just got a call from Abdul."

Her eyes went wide. She turned around in her desk, shielding herself from onlooking coworkers. "Why? What's going on?"

"Bowers was undercover on a setup to try to make good on that last warrant. He got made."

A wave of terror crashed over her. Bowers had been one of the SIS agents posing as a neighbor to the Claybournes. He'd become a good friend to them in their months together. Apparently SIS was still after Hartono after he'd escaped capture during the round of arrests that had set Jen and Nick free. "Bowers, I can't believe it. Is he…?"

"Dead," Nick confirmed. "Abdul called to warn me in case Homicide got called and I got put on the case. But I haven't heard anything from it, so another squad must have taken it."

Jen swallowed hard. "Is there a funeral we could go to?"

"No, Jen, you know we can't do that."

She nodded. "No, you're right, of course. I just…I can't believe it. I guess I never really thought what we were doing was so dangerous. We had that one shooting early on. But other than that…"

"Yeah, we got lucky." He sighed, rubbing the back of his head. "Listen, I gotta get back to work. I'll see you at home later."

Jen was back to smiling. She couldn't help it. He'd called her little house 'home.'

Nick had started staying at Jen's fulltime. He'd purchased a big, broken down house to renovate. It wasn't fit for habitation yet. He hoped to work on projects slowly, so he and Jen could move in there when it was finished. He hadn't told her yet. It was only a few months into their actual relationship. They had still spent more time as Trish and Wesley than they had as Jen and Nick. But Nick knew without a doubt that Jen was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Even without saying it, he knew she loved him as he loved her. The look in her eyes and her kiss every night before bed was all he needed to be sure.

One week after the news of Bowers, Jen was still feeling out of sorts. Nick had probably noticed. She was distracted and erratic. She'd taken some time off of work to deal with it.

Jen stared at the handcuffs sitting on the coffee table in front of her. She knew she shouldn't…but she needed to figure it out.

It had been three days since a suspect had escaped handcuffs, taken her gun, and barely missed shooting her in the face. That was not the kind of excitement she'd expected as a Fraud detective. But the woman had somehow gotten out of handcuffs. And nearly killed Jen in the process. Jen couldn't stop wondering: how did she do it?"

"Jen!" Nick called, announcing his presence when he arrived home that afternoon.

"Yeah," came the response from the living room.

Nick frowned. Her voice sounded strange. Sad, somehow. He followed the sound to find her sitting on the sofa. "You alright?"

She turned to face him, her face full of shame. Jen held up her hands, showing off the cuffs locked around her wrists. "I can't get the key in the lock by myself," she told him with a frustrated sigh.

Nick couldn't help laughing. "Did you handcuff yourself!?"

"I wanted to see if I could get out of them like…"

"You just couldn't let it go, could you? You know she was double jointed! That's how she got out of the cuffs. You left her too much space to maneuver. See, Fraud's made you soft. Just because your offenders aren't usually violent doesn't mean you're safe!" he scolded.

"Well I've no intention of making the same mistake and getting shot at again. It's really inconvenient. People keep asking if I'm okay and if I need counseling. I took the time off to get the Senior Sergeant off my back," she said bitterly.

"They're all just being nice. They don't know you spent three months with SIS being threatened by terrorists," he replied kindly. He knew she was still upset over Bowers, but knew better than to bring it up. Instead, he just came to sit beside her on the sofa.

Jen sighed, resting her head on his shoulder. "I know. But it doesn't make it any less annoying. Now, can you get these things off me, please? I've been sitting here for over an hour."

He chuckled and picked up the key from where it sat mockingly on the coffee table. But before unlocking her cuffs, he paused. "Actually…"

"Oh Nick, don't tease me. This isn't funny," she whined.

"It is funny, actually. And I think we'd regret not taking advantage of this opportunity, Jennifer," he said in a very serious tone.

Jen saw the slight twinkle in his eye and suppressed her smirk. She had a feeling she knew the answer, but she asked anyway, "What did you have in mind?"

Nick grinned and dropped the key back on the table before pushing it out of the way. He dropped to his knees in front of where Jen sat and immediately started unbuttoning her trousers.

She couldn't help but laugh at his immediate eagerness. "Going a bit fast, aren't you?"

"Not often I have a tied-up woman at my disposal."

"At your disposal?"

He paused, knowing that was bad terminology. But he didn't correct himself. "I promise you'll enjoy it."

Nick went back to his work on her trousers, successfully pulling them off her where she sat, leaving her only in her blouse and panties. He lovingly rubbed his hands up her thighs. She opened her legs so he could kneel in between them.

"This will be interesting, since you won't be able to take your top off," he noted.

"Well luckily I wore something with buttons today," she replied, awkwardly maneuvering her cuffed hands to undo her blouse.

Nick grinned as he watched her slowly work, continually rubbing her bare thighs in anticipation. When she'd finally gotten the blouse open, he grasped the chain on the handcuffs and put it behind his head, forcing her arms to go around his neck. He used the space created to press open-mouthed kissed to her newly-exposed stomach and up her chest and neck before kissing her deeply.

Jen moaned into his mouth, wrapping her legs around his torso where she sat. Normally, she would run her fingers through his hair or caress his cheek as they kissed. But she couldn't move her hands that way. It was strangely arousing.

He moved back down her neck, sucking hard at the spot just above her shoulder that he knew drove her wild. He was rewarded with another moan from her and a tightening of her leg muscles around his body.

Her hands clawed wildly at the collar of his shirt as his mouth found her breast. Feeling his tongue and teeth through the fabric of her bra was a new sensation, one that was quickly leaving her breathless. "Why are you still dressed?" she asked him, panting.

He chuckled and extricated himself from her, standing up so he could remove his clothes. Jen watched him hungrily. Nick watched her eyes rove up and down his body. He grew hard and twitched slightly. Once all his clothes were abandoned on the floor, he bent down and hooked his thumbs around the waist of her underwear. She raised her legs to let him pull them off her. Jen licked her lips in anticipation of what he was going to do next.

Nick decided that he'd liked having her arms around him and wanted to try it again. "Mind your hands," he told her as he reached beneath her bum and lifted her up into his arms. She put her cuffed hands behind his neck again.

Jen linked her ankles behind his back, squeezing him as they kissed. She could feel him against her and didn't know how long she could bear it before he was inside her.

She didn't have to wait long. Nick kept one arm securely around her waist underneath her open blouse and used his free hand to reach between their bodies and stroke her. His fingers were immediately coated in her wetness. He grinned proudly and guided himself into her and groaned in satisfaction.

It was all Jen could do to try to hold onto him as he thrust into her. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she was impressed by his strength and prowess, standing in the middle of the room and having his way with her. She could barely breathe as he stroked inside her over and over. Her head involuntarily fell back as she arched against him.

Nick kissed and licked her exposed neck, ignoring how his legs were shaking from exertion. He could tell he was close. As was he. He wouldn't stop now for anything.

"Oh my god, Nick!" Jen's voice put him over the edge. She then lost all ability for coherent speech as her whole body shuddered in his arms.

He collapsed onto the sofa. She was seated on his lap with her legs splayed out on his sides. Her arms were still draped around his neck. The handcuffs lazily knocked against the back of the sofa. Nick held her close to him, feeling her blouse damp with sweat. Jen tried to catch her breath with her face pressed against his shoulder.

"When you can move, let's get that key for you, eh?" he suggested.

Jen turned her head and smiled, giving his neck a small kiss. "Maybe later. I bet these cuffs could go around the bedpost quite nicely," she murmured.

Nick's mind swirled with ideas and, still wonderfully inside her, he felt himself begin to grow hard again. "Yeah, we can leave the key here for now."

Jen yelped as he suddenly stood up and carried her to the bedroom, laughing with excitement as he attached her arms above her head to the end of their bed.

He sat back to look at her. Naked from the waist down. Her blouse still covering her arms, but open to expose her to him. The bra, however, was a barrier he didn't appreciate.

Nick leaned in to kiss her again, using the opportunity to undo the hooks behind her back, trying to get under the blouse and around her arms. And once he'd gotten it unhooked, he had to pull it up and over her head, since there was no way of getting the straps off her arms.

Jen had to laugh. "Oh this is ridiculous," she scoffed as he put her bra behind her neck.

"Is it?" he asked in return, his voice husky with desire. His mouth immediately moved in to cover her exposed breast, using his teeth and tongue to turn her doubting laugh into gasps and moans of pleasure. Jen arched against him, struggling against the binds keeping her hands away from him.

Nick took his attention down her body, pulling her hips into a better angle and resting her thighs on his shoulders. Gently, his lips and tongue caressed her, his nose nuzzling exactly where she needed him. Jen writhed around, her toes curling against his back. Grinning with satisfaction, Nick licked and sucked and nipped her with a bit more gusto.

Not being able to grab at his hair or push his face where she wanted him was killing her. Her hips bucked against his face. She felt her mouth go completely dry from her prolonged panting. Her entire body was vibrating and thrumming with what felt like an unending climax.

Nick could taste his own juices having mixed with hers from their first round in the living room. It was intoxicating, and Nick thought he might pass out; never in his life had he been more aroused than having his face between Jen's legs as she shuddered and moaned.

He needed her. Nick forced himself to get up and unhook the handcuffs from the bedpost. Jen immediately launched herself at him. She pushed him to lie back on the bed, straddling him and kissing him deeply. Now she could taste them both on his tongue.

Jen broke away to gasp for air and to sit up so she could lower herself onto his hardness.

"God, Jen, that's so good," he growled.

She watched his eyes practically roll back in his head. It wouldn't take him long to finish, she knew. She started a steady pace, which he matched with upward thrusts. Jen balanced herself on his chest. The cold metal of the handcuffs on his skin caused an erotic shiver down his spine.

He gripped her hips, clawing at her backside, surely leaving bruises and scratches all over her. Jennifer was happy to be marked by him like this. She could have the memories of what they'd done for weeks until everything faded from her skin.

Jen leaned forward, changing their angle. "Come for me, Nick," she whispered in his ear, eliciting a groan from him. He pumped into her harder, faster. Jen was sure she'd shatter into a million pieces in ecstasy.

When he spilled into her, she crumbled against him, thoroughly spent. Nick helped her roll off him so they could catch their breath. He stood up to clean himself off. Jen barely noticed when he pressed a few kisses to her sweaty hair and left. But he returned a few moments later. With a small click, he turned the key in the handcuffs and removed them.

After getting the tangled blouse and bra off her body, he looked at her wrists. The skin was raw and red. He kissed and rubbed her wrists, trying to help restore the blood flow. "I think you'll want to wear long sleeves for a little while," he suggested.

"I don't even care that I'm going to be too sore to move for the rest of my life," she commented, her voice still breathy and utterly exhausted.

"I'll make dinner later, alright?"

"No," she protested. "You've worked very hard today. Order takeaway."

He chuckled, pulling her naked body into his arms. "Okay. I'll order something for us a little later."


	7. Chapter 7

Nick had noticed all evening that something was off with Jen. She'd been quiet and moody and insisting she was fine. Her lips were pressed together in a thin, anxious line, and her brow was knit in a way that he knew meant she was upset about something. She was avoiding his gaze, but when they did make eye contact, he saw a fear in her that made him uneasy. But Nick knew that Jennifer Mapplethorpe was not a woman who took kindly to being pushed. The best thing he could ever do for her was just remain close by until she opened up. He'd be there when she was ready.

They got into bed that night and turned out the light before sharing their usual goodnight kiss. But instead of lying back and going to sleep, Jen scooted over to nuzzle into Nick's chest. He put his arms around her, rubbing her back through her sleep shirt and gently kissing her hair. "What's the matter, Jen?" he asked quietly.

She swallowed hard, willing her heart to stop racing. She couldn't avoid talking about this anymore. "Do you see a future with me?" she asked.

Nick suddenly realized that whatever was bothering Jen might have very serious consequences for their life together. He didn't like the idea of having this conversation in bed. He proceeded cautiously. "Of course."

"I mean really. Like…years from now?"

"Jen, we live together. I don't intend on moving unless we do it together."

She sat up and turned the light on, blinking in the brightness. "Do you see us together in about twenty years?"

He pushed the covers off so he could sit up with her. "Jennifer, I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you," he replied in as serious a tone as he could convey.

Jen smiled, but it was strained. Her arms hugged her body tightly. "I feel the same way," she confessed.

"That's good, yes?" he asked, trying not to laugh to relieve the tension in the room that he still didn't understand.

She swallowed hard. "Yes, it is." Jen knew she had to just say it. It would all be alright. Somehow, it would be alright. She still didn't know how she felt about it, but Nick would be there to help her figure it out. He'd never let her feel like she was alone since the day she met him. Nick Buchanan gave her the security and comfort that she never knew she'd been missing. Nick felt like home.

"You're scaring me a little. What's going on, Jen?" he asked with concern.

"I'm pregnant."

Her words hung in the air between them. A thousand years passed as Nick stared at her in shock and Jen stared back in apprehension.

Nick thought he'd blacked out for a moment. His heart might have stopped. He wasn't entirely sure. "Are…are you sure?" he choked out.

She nodded. "Got a blood test at the clinic this morning. Seven weeks along."

"What do you want to do?" he asked, not sure how else he was supposed to react.

"I don't know," she replied honestly. "What do you think?" Jen desperately needed to know if he wanted this. If he didn't, she wanted to know so she could prevent herself from being happy. She wouldn't let herself think about how much she wanted to be the mother to his children. It was an abstract idea before now, one that brought her more joy than she'd really allow. But if he didn't want children with her, or at all, she needed to know now so she could keep that daydream buried down deep where it surely belonged. She searched his dark hazel eyes, finding only confusion and concentration and a similar sense of searching. Jen could only imagine what he was searching for: the words to let her down.

Nick felt his eyes start to prick with moisture. He blinked it away. This news was so unexpected. He knew he and Jen hadn't exactly been careful. She was on the pill, but they hadn't bothered with condoms in quite some time. Obviously this was a possibility. One that, if they really had been serious about preventing pregnancy, they would paid more attention to. He searched her eyes, hoping to find a clue. He only found the same concern and confusion he was sure were reflecting back at her from his own expression. He didn't want to look away from her, though. No matter what, he wanted to be with her, locking eyes like this forever. Involuntarily, his mouth spread into an excited grin. "Jen, we're going to have a baby!"

She laughed cathartically. "You're pleased?"

"I've never thought about having children. Honestly. It never occurred to me as something I wanted or didn't want, really. But I love you, Jen. You're my heart and the only person I've ever even considered having a family with," he told her. "And I want that. I want you and I want us to have a family."

Jen leaned forward and took his face in her hands and kissed him. She was crying and laughing and couldn't stop either. "I love you, I love you, I love you," she chanted between her kisses. She rested her forehead against his, beaming in excitement. "Nick, we're going to have a family!"

When they made love that night, it was the most tender, beautiful thing Jen had ever experienced. She didn't know if it was because of the pregnancy or because they'd finally said those most important three words out loud, but she had never felt so loved in all her life. Now, more than ever, Nick really was her home, and she knew he would keep her safe and warm for the rest of their lives. And they would do the same for their child.


	8. Chapter 8

Nick sat next to Jen in the waiting room of the obstetrician's office, his leg bouncing nervously. She put his hand on his knee and smiled softly. "Try to calm down," she told him quietly.

He just smiled back and tried to stop the bouncing. He put one arm around her shoulders and his free hand in his jacket pocket to wrap his fingers around the small box he had hidden. Nick had it all planned out. They were going to the twelve-week appointment where they could hear their baby's heartbeat for the first time. And after they did, when they were alone, he would ask her to marry him.

For weeks, they'd been talking about their plans for their family. Jen wanted to convert the spare room into a nursery. Nick had been thinking about paint colors for the project; his house—their house—wasn't nearly ready for them to move into, nor would it be before the baby came. After he proposed, he'd tell her about the house. But until then, they'd need a nursery in Jen's place.

Nick was in awe of the change in Jennifer. The life growing inside her had made her blossom. She was always smiling. She had an ethereal glow about her, a radiance that was practically blinding. Nick was just happy to bask in her light. But she wasn't the only one who was different. Nick had never considered himself a family man or one to prefer staying home if there was something interesting to do elsewhere. Now, however, he couldn't wait to leave work to get home to Jennifer, to sit beside her on the sofa and snuggle up to watch a DVD or have a quiet homecooked meal or even go to bed early and just rest his hand on her barely-showing pregnant belly. Their family was just starting, and it had already become his whole world.

"Jennifer Mapplethorpe?"

They looked up to see a pleasant-faced nurse calling for Jen. They stood up to follow.

"Wonderful. You and your partner can come right back here. I'll take your vitals and then the doctor will be in after," the nurse explained.

Jen beamed at Nick. No one had called him her partner before. She hadn't really thought of him in those terms before. He wasn't just her boyfriend or her lover or the father of her child. He was her partner. The moniker seemed fitting for a pair of detectives.

Once in the exam room, Jen got undressed and put on the hospital gown. She noticed Nick watching her. "Do I look different than I did this morning when we got out of bed?" she teased.

"No, I was just thinking about how immensely fat you're going to get," he replied with a smirk.

She laughed and lightly smacked his arm. Obviously Nick was in just as giddy a mood as she was. Jennifer was glad. This was an exciting day.

The doctor came in and greeted them with an exuberant expression. "Ms. Mapplethorpe, hello!" He shook her hand and checked her file. "Right, this is your twelve-week appointment, which is when we'll do the ultrasound and make sure everything is tip top with your baby. Shall we get started?"

Jen settled onto the exam table. Nick sat beside her and held her hand. The doctor conducted the exam.

"Alright Mum and Dad, are you ready to hear the heartbeat?" the doctor asked.

Nick and Jen both nodded in excitement. With the flip of a few dials, the doctor moved the ultrasound wand over Jen's abdomen, searching for the image of the developing fetus in her womb. They all watched the monitor in anticipation.

The doctor frowned. Nick noticed immediately. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"Give me just a moment to try something."

Jen felt ice in her veins and squeezed Nick's hand, demanding comfort.

"Oh dear."

"Doctor, what's wrong with our baby?" Jennifer pleaded.

He turned off the monitor. "I'm so sorry. There's no heartbeat because the fetus stopped developing. I'm afraid you've suffered a miscarriage. Have you felt any pain or discomfort in your abdomen or lower back in the last few days?"

"No," Jen replied, still too shocked to have any reaction.

"The body will usually expel the miscarriage, like a very heavy menstruation. If you haven't experienced it in the next week, you'll need to come back so we can perform the procedure here." The doctor looked at each of them with a sad expression. "I am very sorry for your loss. I'll let you get dressed. If you have any questions, please let me know."

Jen sat up on the exam table and stared blankly into space. Her hands drifted to her stomach. She felt sick. Trying to blink back tears, she stood up to change back into her clothes.

Nick watched her, unsure what to do, unsure what she needed. "Jennifer, look at me, please," he requested.

She turned to face him as she straightened her blouse. Her turquoise eyes had gone dull and shone with tears she wouldn't yet allow to fall. The beautiful glow she'd had for weeks had faded. She'd gone pale, and her hands were trembling.

"Come here," he said quietly, holding his arms out to her.

Jen was instantly there, sitting on his lap, curling her body around him as close as she could be. He held her tight and softly kissed her clavicle as she began to cry.

Nick felt the ring box like a lead weight in his pocket. He couldn't possibly propose now. This was supposed to be a happy day. And an engagement ring was to make it the best day of their lives. But this was the cruelest tragedy Nick could have ever contemplated.

Their family was gone before it began. All they had now was each other. And maybe that wouldn't be enough.


	9. Chapter 9

Nick Buchanan had never been a patient man. He always respected rules and procedure, and he always followed the directions of his superiors; that was how he'd gotten promoted so quickly. But in all his life, Nick had never been satisfied to wait around for things to happen. Follow the lead, question the witness, demand the evidence be turned over, onward and upward.

But he knew better with Jennifer. He knew he couldn't force her to open up. He knew he couldn't command her to process the miscarriage before she was ready. And so he tried to wait for her.

Every single day for over a month, she went through the motions of life. They woke up, she would shower and get dressed. They'd have a quiet breakfast, making small talk about the weather or what was planned for the day. They would each go to the station separately, and they would each come home when their shift was done. Sometimes Nick would stay late with a case in Homicide. Jen didn't usually need to put in overtime. But lately, she seemed to barely be home for dinner anymore.

Soon, she wasn't even bothering to phone him to say when she would be home. He learned to stop waiting up for her. Nick went to bed at least three times a week feeling the vacant loneliness of her absence.

But still, he never pushed, never tried to get her to talk about anything. She needed to deal with the loss of their child in her own way. He was hurting, certainly, but that must be nothing compared to what it was like for her, having their baby die inside her body.

Jennifer arrived home after midnight one night. She tiptoed into the bedroom as quietly as she could, trying not to disturb Nick. She didn't want to bother him. About anything. She watched him sleep, his dark outline breathing slowly in the glow of the moonlight peeking through the curtains.

In another time, she would have smiled. But Jen hadn't smiled in a very long while. Her face felt frozen sometimes. She couldn't help but think that more than the baby had died inside her. Would she ever feel like herself again? Would she ever be able to love Nick again? Would she ever be able to look in the mirror and feel something other than shame? The answer to all those questions felt very far away.

Nick's patience was dwindling. After two months, he too began to keep long nights. He started taking some of his things out of the drawers and putting them in his partially-renovated house. She was at work anyway; what did it matter if he slept on the mattress on the floor next to unfinished drywall? He had no real intention of leaving her, but Nick couldn't help but feel like he was being pushed out. He may as well have some clothes waiting for him.

The more time they spent apart, the more Nick's hurt turned to anger. The anger, however, made him feel guilty. It wasn't her fault. He knew it wasn't her fault. She was certainly entitled to deal with all this in whatever way she needed to. He needed to respect that and be understanding. But when had she even tried to be understanding for him? He stayed by her side as much as she would let him, and what had she done in return? Avoided and ignored him. If she really loved him and cared for him, shouldn't she have spared some passing concern for how he was doing with all of this?

For the first time in quite a while, Jen came home early one afternoon. Her sergeant had told her she'd used up far too much overtime and ordered her to take two days off. She found Nick's car loaded up with boxes. She hadn't expected him to be home in the middle of the day like this. Panic gripped her heart as she ran inside, calling his name.

He came out of the bedroom holding the last of his things. "Jen? What are you doing here?"

"I live here. I thought we both did. What is all this?" she asked.

Nick put the box down on the armchair. "I didn't think you'd notice. But I didn't want to be in your way anymore."

"So you're leaving?" Jen's tone was accusatory.

"Don't you want me to? Now you don't have to avoid being at your own house," he fired back.

A lump was forming in her throat. "No, I don't want you to go. I just…I don't know how to be here anymore. I don't know what to do."

"I thought we could figure it out together," he responded gently.

Jen rushed into his arms, clutching the fabric of his shirt. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I didn't know how to deal with all this. More than anything, I'm sorry I let our baby die."

Nick stiffened. His hands barely touched her. He swallowed hard.

She noticed that he didn't respond. And it clicked. Jen pulled away from him, taking a step back, away from his lack of embrace. "Oh my god. You blame me, don't you? You blame me for ruining our lives and our family and our future."

"No, of course not," he protested half-heartedly. Nick knew those words were false. Even if he felt exactly what she accused him of, he knew it was wrong.

"You do. All this time, I thought you were giving me space, letting me find my way back to you in my own time. But you were blaming me for it," she realized.

His gaze fell to the floor.

"Nick, look at me," she begged, praying that she was wrong, somehow.

"I can't," he mumbled.

"You can't?" Her voice cracked.

His eyes met hers, and he felt his heart burst into a million pieces. "I can't look at you without feeling sad."

Every emotion Jen had been trying to work through for the last two and a half months exploded within her. The chief among those was indignant rage. "Get out," she said in a low tone. She pushed her hair away from her face and repeated with a screech, "GET OUT! I don't ever want to see you in my house ever again. You've already taken everything of yours, haven't you? You've no reason to come back. So just get out!"

And he did.


	10. Chapter 10

Jennifer stared at the amber eyes looking back at her from behind the cage. She sighed. This was possibly the most desperate, pathetic thing she'd ever done. But it was the first decision she'd made in the three weeks since Nick left that felt at all comforting.

"I'll take him," she announced.

The shelter worker smiled excitedly. "Wonderful! Do you know what name you'd like to give him? I can register him now if you know."

Jen frowned. "What name does he have now?"

"Jerry."

With a shrug, Jen replied, "Might as well keep that. No reason to change things on him." She put her finger through the cage and allowed the orange cat to nuzzle her. "Hello, Jerry. You're going to come home with me. I hope you don't mind."

And that was how Jennifer Mapplethorpe lost a baby and the man she loved and ended up with a cat. Once she figured out she needed somewhere to direct her love and attention, getting a rescue animal seemed the best idea. She'd never imagined she would be the kind of woman to have a cat and love it like her best friend, but it seemed fitting now.

She sat on the floor, tossing treats and toys at him, hoping he'd be interested in something and he'd start to like her. But Jen needn't have worried. Jerry was sweet and affectionate. He snuggled up with her when she sat on the sofa with a glass of wine. He curled up on the bed while she slept, filling the space left by Nick's absence. It was as though the cat sensed how broken she felt and wanted to be the one to fix her. And in a strange way, he did.

Part of Jen hated that she was _that girl_ who deals with heartbreak by focusing her love on a cat, of all things, but Jerry was special. Jerry had a troubled past, and he and Jennifer seemed to heal each other.

Nick, on the other hand, tried to heal himself in equally pathetic but vastly less effective ways. Every night after he got off his shift, he'd head to the bar with some of his mates and find a woman to go home with.

He and Simon Joyner were quite the pair, betting each other on who could get which girl in the bar. Simon was always the pretty boy, and he usually ended up with the most gorgeous blonde in the room. Nick avoided blondes as much as he could. The point of all this was to not think about Jen. And the shimmer of golden hair made Nick's heart leap in a way he really wished it wouldn't, until the woman turned and it wasn't Jennifer's turquoise eyes looking at him. Nick gladly introduced those girls to Simon.

But Nick did plenty well on his own. He was well aware of his own appeal, his quiet and stoic nature, his fit physique, his disarming smile. More than once, he'd been able to use his subtlety to steal a gorgeous woman away from Simon and his overly boisterous charms.

After a few months, the mindless, meaningless sex definitely lost its appeal. Simon could have his fun, but Nick knew this just wasn't like him. Instead of enjoying himself, he ended up just feeling lost and empty at the end of the night. The distractions weren't helping.

As much as it pained him and as much as he tried to ignore it, Nick knew the only thing that would make him feel any better: Jennifer.

Nick was desperate for her. They'd been apart for months now. And he was still hurting, both from the miscarriage, destroying his dreams for the future, and their breakup, which had wounded him to his core. He had done the one thing he'd never, ever wanted to do; he had hurt Jen. She was hurting enough as it was, and instead of talking to her, explaining what was wrong, he just slowly retreated from her. And when she figured out what was going on, she had felt like he was abandoning her. He'd never wanted to do that. But he did. The guilt was eating him alive.

If only they had discussed things. But they never seemed to be able to talk about anything important. Undercover, they hadn't talked about anything. It would have compromised their mission of they had. And they had gotten into that habit, it seemed. For Christ's sake, they'd been living together for three months before they even said, 'I love you.' They had just always _known_ each other. A touch, a smile, a glance. Those were all the things they really needed to communicate. And it had failed them miserably. It was time for words.

Pen and paper in hand, Nick sat down at the table he built from a sheet of plywood on a pair of sawhorses in the construction zone of his house, and he began to write.


	11. Chapter 11

_Jennifer,_

 _It's been six months since we last saw each other. It was an abrupt end to something that I thought would last forever, and I'm sorry for the part I played in driving you away. I miss you every day._

 _I don't want to dwell on the past and what we've lost and what we each did to make a difficult situation worse for each other. I wasn't sure if you wanted to talk to me, so I thought a letter would work best, in case you hate me. I never want to make things harder for you. But I did want to tell you that I wish we could go back to how things were, and if we can't, I want to start over. If you want to. We could pretend like we've never met and start fresh. I know I would fall in love with you all over again._

 _And I suppose that's all I wanted to say. I love you, and I miss you. If I'm ever lucky enough to see you again, I promise we won't ever rehash what's happened. I just want you in my life._

 _All my love,_

 _Nick_

Jen read the letter three times. She didn't want to cry for him anymore, but by the third time she read his words of love, she had dripped tears all over his carefully scrawled writing. But Jen knew she couldn't do this anymore. Nick was right, they shouldn't dwell on the past. It was time to move on.

After wiping away her tears, Jen ripped up the letter and threw it in the bin. She hurried into her bathroom to redo her makeup. She needed to get to work. That would teach her to check the post in the morning.

"Mapplethorpe!" the portly sergeant barked as soon as she walked into Fraud.

"Yes, Sarge?"

"Pack your things and head upstairs," he told her gruffly.

She blinked in confusion. "What?"

"You've been seconded to Homicide. You start today with Stanley Wolfe. He's out a detective on disciplinary leave, so you're filling in."

Jennifer's heart leapt in excitement. "Thank you, sir."

The sergeant just nodded and left her to put the things on her desk into a box and carry it to the elevator. With a deep breath, she pressed the button to go up to the floor that held the Homicide department. As the elevator climbed, she briefly thought back to the letter she'd received that morning. Would she be on Nick's squad? Would those elevator doors open to reveal him standing there? She hoped the answer would be _no_ to both of those questions, but a small bit of her heart tugged at her with the tiniest prayer that she'd get to see him again.

But the doors opened and revealed a lot of people rushing around, just like they did on the Fraud floor. A tall middle-aged man stood nearby. "Jennifer Mapplethorpe?"

"Yes?"

He extended his hand in greeting. "Detective Senior Sergeant Stanley Wolfe. Welcome to the team."

Jen shifted the box in her arms to shake his hand. "Happy to be here, sir."

Wolfe showed Jen to the desk she'd be using for the time being, and pointed out the other members of the squad. "That's Simon Joyner and Matt Ryan. We're a bit short handed here, with Duncan Freeman out. You may have heard, he's under investigation for discharging his weapon on a suspect." He turned to the two men at their desks. "This is Jennifer Mapplethorpe up from Fraud. Show her the ropes, will you?"

"Sure, Sarge," Simon replied with a friendly smile.

Jen looked to Matt Ryan and was taken aback by his expression. He looked at her with wide eyes and a slack jaw. She tried not to laugh, and he immediately blinked and came over to shake her hand. "Hi. Great to have you here, Jennifer."

"You can call me Jen," she told him kindly. He had a bright smile. Sweet and sincere. He seemed very kind.

Wolfe came by and called them into the briefing room. Superintendent Bernice Waverly was going to give them a new case. Jen's first homicide investigation. She couldn't wait.

Over the next week, Jen learned more and worked harder and had more excitement than she had in most of her time with Fraud put together. She loved every second. But she returned home late nearly every night and longed to tell someone about her day. The only one to tell was Jerry. And as affectionate as he was, a cat really can't react to tales of dead bodies and suspect interviews with much enthusiasm. Despite hating herself for it, Jen lay in bed wishing she could roll over and tell Nick all about what she was working on. He would have understood her excitement at the work and her nerves about working with a new squad.

The worst of it was when Duncan Freeman returned, reclaiming the place she'd taken. Thankfully, she'd been moved to Wilton Sparkes's squad so she could remain in Homicide. But Sparksey wasn't at all like Wolfie. In two weeks, she'd gone from being a valued member of a team to fetching coffee and doing filing for a misogynist. It took everything in her to wait until she got to the ladies' bathroom before erupting in angry complaints.

Waverly overheard her once, and she gave Jen a good talking to. It was helpful to receive the support and guidance of the older woman, a feeling of solidarity and respect from her superior and a vote of confidence.

During that week, Jen went home and drank a big glass of wine and buried her face in her pillow, wishing she could vent all her frustrations with someone who would understand. Someone who knew these people and the work they did and help clue her in on the dynamics that she was trying to navigate under threat of being sent back to Fraud if Sparkes didn't want to keep her around. Jen held her mobile in her hand, her finger tracing the speed dial key she'd never bothered to deprogram from Nick's number.

She was almost desperate to talk to him. To have him come over and hold her in his arms and listen while she talked and kiss her hair and tell her everything would be alright. Nick had always made her feel safe. _Until he didn't_. Her mind flooded with the expression on his face when he told her he couldn't look at her without feeling sad. Where his eyes used to sparkle with affection and tenderness, they showed sorrow and resentment.

Jen threw her phone across the room and turned out the light. Everything would be better in the morning. And even if it wasn't, at least she could go to work and focus on an interesting and exciting case.

While Jennifer was getting her feet wet in Homicide, Nick was assigned to a special task force on organized crime with members of Armed Robbery. It was a long job, scheduled for at least six months and budgeted for up to two years.

Nick was of two minds about it. Of course, he'd go wherever his superiors sent him, and he'd be dedicated to the job he was doing. But he wasn't confident in the organization of the task force and preferred his regular work in Homicide with people he knew and trusted. All the members of this team were new to him, despite a few having been on other Homicide squads.

As usual, Nick mostly kept to himself. He wasn't much good company anyway, these days. He'd put himself out there, writing that letter to Jen. And he hadn't heard in word in return. Perhaps she was still mad at him or hurt by what they'd gone through. He knew that was a possibility. But he had hoped that by now, she'd have missed him the way he missed her. After a while, the sting would go away. Then he could go out with his team and actually have a good time.

He did his best, joining in when they all went to the pub and watched footie after a long day. But he mostly stayed quiet and drank his beer off to the side, not really engaging in much conversation.

"Oi, you hear about the new girl in Homicide? Christ, I hate that we're off on assignment when they finally get a good-looking one on one of the squads."

Nick couldn't help but perk up at that statement, curious as all the other men.

"She was brought up from Fraud to cover for Duncan with Wolfie, yeah?"

Heart in his throat, Nick knew it was Jen they were talking about. She was on Homicide. At least temporarily. This assignment couldn't have come at a better time. Or a worse time, depending on how Nick wanted to look at it.

"Yeah, she got moved over to Sparksey's squad. She'll be gone by the time we're back."

The men all laughed. "We'll see how long it takes her to be sick of doing his filing and getting called 'sweetheart.'"

"This one, especially. We all know how Sparskey likes tight blondes. And if what I heard from Dunnie is true…"

They trailed off, laughing and making lewd comments. Nick felt a flash of protective anger, opening his mouth to tell them off for saying anything about his girlfriend. But Jennifer wasn't his girlfriend anymore. Nick did his best to tune out their conversation.

He took another swig of beer and couldn't help but smile to himself. _Good on you, Jen_. She'd be a brilliant Homicide detective. And no pigheaded sexist like Wilton Sparkes would get in her way, he knew. He also knew that there was every chance that Jen would still be in Homicide when he got back from this task force assignment, and seeing as she hadn't responded to his letter, Nick had no idea what would happen when he returned to Homicide.


	12. Chapter 12

Jennifer sank down into the grass with heaving sobs. She hadn't cried like this in a long time. It almost felt good to have so much emotion; a part of her thought she'd died inside, and she'd never really feel anything ever again. This she felt. She felt it in every cell of her body. The guilt of it had caused her to vomit, and she still felt sick. Her mind just kept repeating the same thing over and over. _You did it again. You killed another child. First yours, now someone else's. You did it again._

She was given a month's mental health leave afterwards. Jen was grateful for the time off to recover and essentially grieve all over again. After about three weeks, she couldn't take it anymore. Her work in Homicide had given her a purpose the purpose she'd been searching for. She had friends, finally, and they actually seemed to really like her. And being alone at home for weeks on end was just too much. Jen had actually hidden her phone from herself because she would sit on the sofa with Jerry in her lap and stare at the phone, constantly wondering if she should try to call Nick. After all, he was the only person who would understand how she felt.

But she knew she couldn't. As much as she wanted to share her pain with him and have him relieve some of the burden, it wasn't fair. She needed a friend, and he had made it clear in his letter that he didn't just want to be her friend. Jen couldn't use him like that. It wasn't fair to either of them to have a glimpse of each other in their lives if they couldn't have what they both really needed. Nick wanted to start over and fall in love all over again. Jen wasn't sure she could look at him again without feeling the same hurt he'd caused in her when he left. She would give anything to start over with him, to feel that sense of home that she'd been craving in his absence, but she couldn't just erase everything that happened like he had asked. If anything, her reaction to shooting that kid was proof that she really hadn't recovered from her own loss.

And so Jen had returned to work early, against orders, because she simply couldn't bear to be alone in her house anymore, haunted by a doctor's office and a teenager with a shotgun and her guilt over the deaths she'd caused. She needed the comforting distraction of her work.

Slowly but surely, it all got a little easier. The dull ache in her heart began to fade. The Homicide cases kept her interest and left her feeling good about the work she did. The difficult subject matter only served to heal her. A smothered infant, a pair of traumatized children seeing their mother be murdered, countless kids who experienced horrible things and survived, countless more whose lives were cruelly taken away.

Strangely, Jen figured out that those were the cases she was best at. They hurt the most, but the work felt the best. Perhaps this was really her purpose, to work with those children and help solve the crimes they had become a part of. It was in these cases where she felt the most useful to the team, where they really relied on her to see through the muddled issues to solve the mystery.

All of this changed, however, when the horror came too close to home. From their first interaction, Jennifer had felt an immense respect for Bernice Waverly. So when a laughing clown attacked her computer, Jen knew she had to step in and help any way she could, no matter what the cost.

When Josh was taken, Jen took it upon herself to stay with Bernice and keep a personal eye on her. But instead, they'd all played right into Billy Pierce's hands. Bernice was too late to save her son, and Jen was once again face to face with the loss of a child.

Josh wasn't her child, of course. And Bernice was no more at fault for her son's death than Jen was for the loss of her baby; rationally, she knew that was true. But Jen knew what Bernice felt in that moment, and Jen knew she'd only felt a tiny fraction of it. Joshua Waverly was thirteen years old. He was a real person who lived a life and had people who knew him and loved him. Jen and Nick never got that far. They had mourned the loss of the promise of a child, while Bernice lost the son she'd birthed and raised for all those years.

Once again, Jen found herself staring at the phone, desperate to call Nick. Instead, she filled out paperwork for a secondment to Counterterrorism. It was time for a change.

The day after Jen left on her month-long secondment, the squad gained a new member to fill the loss created by Jennifer's absence. Nick Buchanan rode the elevator up to the Homicide floor and took a deep, cleansing breath. Back home where he belonged.

Two years on special assignment had left Nick a little lost and utterly exhausted. Doing the same thing day in and day out was never something he enjoyed, and the task force proved ineffective and useless. They were only disbanded when they ran out of money. Nick wasn't sorry to leave. Returning to Homicide was all he'd wanted to do from the day he'd left.

"Nick! What are you doing back up here?"

With a friendly grin, Nick gave Simon Joyner a hug in greeting. "I'm back in Homicide. Time to teach you all a lesson from an old-timer," he joked.

"What squad are you assigned to?" Simon asked.

"Stanley Wolfe. I'm glad, actually, I've heard he'd good, and I'm looking forward to working with him," Nick replied.

Simon smiled widely. "You're about to be even more glad. Matt Ryan and I are with Wolfie, too. And you remember Duncan Freeman?"

"Christ, all three of you!?" Nick exclaimed with a laugh. "It's a wonder any murders get solved with you lot on the case!"

Matt and Duncan came over to greet their old friend. Nick had been on Homicide when Matt had started many years earlier, and he'd been in uniform with Simon and Duncan before that. Nick had grown up as a cop with these guys, and it was surely a sight for sore eyes to see them all again.

"Nick, this is Allie Kingston. Brand new to Homicide, but we're showing her the ropes," Duncan introduced as Allie walked by.

"Yeah, showing me the ropes to hang myself with," Allie quipped. "You better not be as big an idiot as this lot," she added, shaking Nick's hand.

"Nah, Nick was always the one to keep us out of trouble," Matt teased, patting Nick on the shoulder. "Here, let me show you your desk. You'll be right over here."

Nick followed Matty to the desks. He walked by an empty desk with a very tidy notebook and cup of pens and a framed photograph of an orange cat propped up against the desk lamp. "Simon, this your cat?" Nick asked.

Simon just laughed in response.

"That's Jerry. He ran away last year. Poor thing. Dunno why she keeps that picture, I know it makes her sad. But maybe she's just used to it by now," Matt mused aloud.

Nick was intrigued. "Who?"

Matt explained, "Oh you'll be sitting here, right beside our missing comrade, seconded to Counterterrorism. You probably don't know her. She was still in Fraud when you left Homicide. But she's great. Jennifer Mapplethorpe."


	13. Chapter 13

Everything came in small bursts, in secretive smiles and quick glances. It was as though the clock turned back, and they were back undercover together. That trust and shorthand working habit had returned. But this time, there was no desperation to be together. At least not in the same way.

Jennifer returned to Homicide that Monday after the party at Matt's when she'd run into Nick again. She wanted to be mad at him for not giving her a heads up to prepare for working with him. But she couldn't be upset at him for it. It was an unexpected complication, surely, but it was the best workplace change she could have ever asked for. Nick was back in her life. And for the first time since all the terrible things had happened between them, Jen felt at home.

Nick was happier than he'd been in years. He was back on Homicide, and he was back with Jen. As much as he could be. Working with her was just as natural and easy as he remembered. Even better, actually, because she'd become a brilliant Homicide detective in their years apart. She had great instincts and a strong work ethic, and she was better than anyone in the squad at analyzing nuanced issues of a case. Nick had to consciously remember to regulate his face at certain times during the day. It wouldn't do to have a beaming grin when Jen shared a theory in a case briefing. He was just so wildly proud of her and felt so lucky to work with her every day.

The best part about being on the squad together was the social aspect. Yes, they worked together each day. But the crew had a tradition of going out for a drink whenever they closed a big case. Jen had felt out of place on these outings with Matt, Simon, and Duncan at first, but they'd gotten used to her. And now with Allie and Nick on the team, all six of them went out together all the time. But Matt had Emma to go home to. Simon and Duncan, always on the prowl, tended to find attractive young women to take home. Nick and Jen and Allie were often the last ones there.

"Alright, you lot. I've got to get to bed. Early day tomorrow," Allie announced, throwing a few dollars on the table to pay her share of the tab.

"Early day?" Jen asked.

"Allie's a runner. She gets up early to run every day," Nick answered for her.

Jen grimaced. "You run on purpose? For fun?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty good at it, too," Allie replied with a wink before leaving the bar.

Nick and Jen were left alone. "Not a fan of running?" he asked curiously. "If I remember correctly, you used to go running most weekends."

Jen's mind flashed on the last time she'd gone for a run in the park, ending with vomit and tears after Wolfie's phone call about ballistics results. "I've gone off it," she said simply.

She took a sip of beer and watched him watch her. He was smiling that signature Nick Buchanan smile of his. Something amused him.

"What?" she asked.

"You seeing anyone, Jen?"

She nearly choked on her beer. "I've got a framed photo of my runaway cat on my desk. You think I'm seeing anyone?"

He shrugged. "That bloke with the computers seems rather keen on you."

"Paul?"

"Yeah, him. Seems sweet. You and he ever…?"

Jen scoffed, "That would never happen."

"Why, because you work together?"

"No, because he's my cousin."

This time Nick was the one taken by surprise. "Wait, really?"

"Yes, really, and don't tell anyone. He didn't disclose it on his job application, and he doesn't want anyone to think we give each other special treatment," Jen explained.

"But he does give you special treatment. I thought it was because he had a crush on you!"

"No, he gives me special treatment because he knows I'll tell his mother if he doesn't do exactly what I want him to. Besides, I used to beat him up when we were children."

Nick threw his head back laughing. He could just imagine Jen as a scrappy little blonde child, pushing her younger cousin's face into the mud or something else equally ridiculous.

"What about you? Allie's rather pretty. You two seem to get on rather well," Jen posited.

"Oh Christ, no," he protested.

"What's wrong with her?"

"Nothing, really. But it's not like that. She's like a little sister to me. I want to help her learn. She's so pigheaded and abrasive, and I know it's because she's insecure. But she's got the makings of a great detective," Nick replied. He took another sip of beer before adding, "Besides, there's only one woman I'm really interested in."

Jen swallowed hard. "Oh?"

Nick's hazel green eyes met her turquoise blue. "You know how I feel about you, Jen. That hasn't changed. But we work together now. So don't worry, I know better. I'm not about to make any sort of move on you."

"Oh." Jen was flattered by his admission and was quite surprised to hear it. She pursed her lips to keep from smiling.

Nick could see how she tried not to grin. "By the way, I like your haircut."

"Thanks," she answered, running her hand through her shoulder-length blonde hair. "I suppose I wanted a bit of a change."

He nodded. "You always did."

"Well, you look exactly the same."

Nick shrugged. "I was always happy with what I had."

"Not with me." Jen regretted her words as soon as they came out of her mouth. There was no need to get into any of this now. Or ever.

"I was always happy with you. But we both needed time," he replied softly.

She nodded. "It's been a long time, Nick."

"Yeah, it has."

This conversation was headed down a dangerous path, and Jen knew she needed to reel them both back in. "We just have to find a way to work together. I think we've done alright so far, eh?"

"Yeah," he agreed. It took everything in him to keep his hands wrapped around his glass of beer and not reach out and stroke her cheek like he used to. "You look really good, Jen. Are you happy?" he asked quietly.

"Good days and bad, but yeah, I'm happy," she told him. "Are you happy, Nick?"

A gentle smile played on his lips. "I'm getting there."


	14. Chapter 14

"A mother's instinct is to protect her child."

"Yeah, but at what cost?" Nick asked, the anger and frustration rising in his voice. "She risked going to prison until her son was grown up. She didn't think it through."

"She was scrambling," Allie agreed. "Once we started finding holes in her story, she just came up with another one."

"Well, wouldn't you? For your child?" Jen added in a quieter voice.

Nick turned to meet her eyes and saw something there he hadn't seen in a long time. Allie and Miriam, the social worker, were discussing what would happen to the child's mother who lied to protect her son who murdered her husband to protect her. Nick offered to walk Miriam out, unsure if he could stand so close to Jennifer when she had that expression on her face.

"Poor kid. This is gonna stay with him for the rest of his life," Allie said, staring at the picture on the board of little Jordan.

"Yeah," Jen replied with a heavy sigh. "And us." She picked up her notebook and walked away. She couldn't bear to look at those pictures anymore, not now that they knew the truth. She especially didn't want to be anywhere near Allie when she eventually lost it. Allie was always so harsh and judgmental with everyone, and Jennifer knew it would be best to keep the professional relationship and distance between them; Allie wasn't the kind of person to understand or appreciate the reasons this case had gotten under Jen's skin.

Nick returned to the desk after seeing Miriam off. Allie was staring off into space with a pained expression as she tried to understand what they'd just learned. Nick picked up his jacket and car keys and silently left before she noticed him. He assumed Jen had already left to go home, wanting to escape everyone. That's what she always did when she got upset, retreated away to deal with it on her own.

But on his way to the elevator, Nick caught a glimpse of golden blonde in the window to the break room. He entered quietly and found Jen standing over the sink, her hands gripping the countertop so tightly that her knuckles were turning white.

"Jen?"

She whirled around at the sound of his soft voice. Her lip trembled as she desperately tried not to cry.

"You want me to take you home?" he asked, going out on a limb to see how she'd respond. They weren't together, of course. They couldn't be. They both knew that. But that knowledge didn't stop Nick from wishing Jen wouldn't turn away from him in this moment.

Jen searched his eyes and saw the warm hazel brown that had haunted her for so long, reminding her of the depth of feeling and comfort and safety that constantly tempted her. And today, with all the pain and horror of this case, she was ready to give in to that temptation. She nodded and reached out her shaky hand to him.

Nick took her hand in his and gave it a comforting squeeze. They slipped out of the station unnoticed. Jen got into Nick's car, as though they were going out on an investigation together, but instead he drove to her house for the first time in years. They didn't speak as they drove. Jen sat and stared out the window, her hands folded in her lap, clenched tight. Nick kept glancing over to her to check if she was alright. He figured she was as alright as she could be.

He walked with her to the porch and then went inside with her when she unlocked her front door. If she had a problem with him in her house, she didn't indicate as much.

"It's late, but you should have something to eat. I can make you something," he offered.

But Jennifer shook her head. "I'm not hungry. But you're welcome to anything," she told him.

"You going to take a shower?"

She nodded. She almost smiled. He remembered how she liked to take a long, hot shower whenever she was stressed or upset. She shouldn't have been surprised. He had remembered how she only drank tea in the afternoons.

"Do you want me to go?" he asked, silently begging she would say no.

"Not yet," she replied cryptically before going into the bathroom for her shower.

While she was gone, Nick wandered around the house. It looked mostly the same. The same landscape paintings on the walls. The same warm gold and red and brown tones in the furnishings. There was an unused cat dish underneath the table in the hallway leading to the bedroom. That was new. The hallway had been repainted, too. It was brighter than he remembered. But rather than get swept up in memories and inadvertently go to her bedroom—what had once been their bedroom—Nick retreated to the kitchen. After all, just because Jen wasn't hungry didn't mean he wasn't.

Jennifer took her time getting out of the shower and towel-drying her hair and putting on her pyjamas. It was strange knowing Nick was waiting in the next room. And yet not strange at all. Every day working with him simultaneously felt like they were right back where they had been, like no time had passed, and also like they had so many more than three years between them, like it was crossing an ocean every time they looked at each other.

Regardless of what this was, Jen only knew that they worked well together, and her life had gotten a lot better each time he had been a part of it.

She wandered out to the kitchen to find him standing in front of the open fridge eating some sliced turkey out of the deli package it came in. Like no time had passed at all.

"Nick?"

He turned and guiltily put the food back where he found it. "Sorry."

Her lips quirked into a small half-smile. "Nick, will you stay with me?" she asked in a small voice.

"Of course," he replied without hesitation. He followed her back into the bedroom, turning out lights as he went.

Jen got under the covers and curled up facing the wall. Nick removed his clothes until he was only in his boxers and singlet. He got into bed with her, wrapping his arm around her and holding her close against him. He knew better than to kiss her, but he couldn't resist nuzzling into her damp hair and breathing deeply the scent that used to sing him to sleep every night. Jen reached out and turned out her bedside lamp. "Thank you," she whispered.

"Of course," Nick repeated.

They fell into a comfortable silence for a few moments, as though they were going to fall asleep. But neither of them would be getting much sleep, not after that case. Jen sighed audibly. "I hate these cases. The ones with kids."

"You're really good with them," Nick noted, hoping that observation wasn't overstepping.

"Yeah. I know. And I like it, in a weird way. But knowing what Jordan saw and what happened to him that led to what he did? It's just not fair. He's just a child with his whole life ahead of him."

"No, it's not fair," he agreed. Was she going to talk about…?

"It just never gets any easier. I wish there were more I could do, you know?"

"Our job is to solve homicides, to bring killers to justice, and to make sure that every death is answered for. Sometimes that's everything, and sometimes that's just barely scratching the surface. But Jen, you're a brilliant Homicide detective. One of the best I've ever seen."

She smiled at the compliment. "I've been doing this for nearly three years now."

"Has it really been that long?"

"Hard to believe, I know. Three years since…" she trailed off, unable to put words to their past. As much progress as they'd made, she still wasn't sure she'd ever be able to say anything about it.

Nick squeezed her a bit tighter in his embrace. "Yeah," he said simply.

Jen settled in against him, feeling the comfort of his presence bring her the rest she so desperately needed. It was just like when they were undercover, and she'd needed him near her before she could even contemplate the idea of sleep. She yawned and said, "You know how I feel about you, Nick. You must."

He just hummed noncommittally. Did he know how she felt about him? He was never quite sure. But he did give in to his impulse and pressed a light kiss on the shell of her ear. "Sleep well, Jen," he murmured as he closed his eyes and drifted to sleep.


	15. Chapter 15

Jennifer lay in bed, staring at Nick's sleeping face. _It's different than last time_ , was all she could think.

Last time, it was new and fresh and relatively easy. Being together had felt freeing and comfortable. Now, everything was more complicated. Every second they spent together, being Nick and Jen and working on Homicide together, built more and more between them. The past flooded back. Everything that was good and right between them, everything so natural. And yet learning to work together put up barriers around their personal life.

It was almost easier being undercover with SIS. They had real barriers preventing them from being together, worrying about keeping their cover and being under constant surveillance. But now, they were Nick and Jen. As long as they were careful and nothing interfered with their work, they were terrifyingly able to spend their off-duty time together. Nothing felt free or easy.

Jen sighed quietly as she looked at him. How had they gotten here? How had she allowed herself to fall into bed with him?

It was a moment in interview. After five years, Nick had solved a case, returned that little boy to his mother. He never gave up. He took the time to tell that woman personally, speak to a distraught young mother, do it all himself. After so long, that was the moment. Jen saw that Nick was still Nick: a brilliant detective and a man who cared so much about the people involved in his cases.

Jen had seen how upset he got over that case, despite the good result. When they knocked off for the evening, she suggested they celebrate.

"Sure, you want to get a drink somewhere?" he had asked.

"I've got a nice bottle of wine at my place, if you'd like to come share it with me," she'd offered.

He had eagerly agreed. They'd started out innocently enough. He got wine glasses from the cupboard where they'd always been, the old habits coming back. They sat side by side on the sofa, toasting to a job well done. One glass of wine turned into three, one bottle turned to two. The safe distance between them disappeared. Jen leaned against Nick's side. His fingers lazily tangled in her hair.

And all of a sudden, the laughter died down. Their eyes met. Nick took his hand from her hair and traced the line of her cheekbone and jaw. "I've missed you, Jen," he said quietly.

Perhaps it was the wine or just the tenderness in his voice. Maybe it was the nostalgia of being on this sofa with him, happy like they used to be, or maybe it was just an itch that needed to be scratched. Whatever it was, Jen leaned in without a word and kissed him.

From there, it escalated without pause. She straddled him, kissing and sucking on his neck. His hands went up her blouse, caressing the bare skin over her ribcage. Jen began to unbutton his shirt, grinding her hips on his lap. He grabbed her ass and pressed her even closer. Before she knew it, Nick had lifted her up and carried her into the bedroom, kissing her the whole way. Memory led him to their destination without even needing to look. He dropped her on the bed and took his shirt off before pulling her trousers off her. Jen watched him with a giddy grin as they continued to undress.

Finally, they were skin on skin, kissing and tangling arms and legs together. Jennifer gasped as his tongue traced a line down her neck, between her breasts to her stomach. His hands, still so gentle but commanding with their rough texture, traced her waist and hips and thighs. By the time his nose and lips and tongue found their way between her legs, she was writhing in need for him. His teeth grazed her folds as he licked and stroked her to a shuddering mess. When Jen was certain she couldn't possibly stand any further feeling, he inserted two fingers inside her, sucking hard as he thrust in and out of her. She screamed his name, unable to breathe, seeing stars and spots in front of her eyes.

Nick slowed his pace, kissing her thighs gently, easing her down from her climax. She was limp in his arms as he moved her to the center of the bed. He positioned himself above her, suddenly frozen as he stared at her. Even with his cock throbbing, poised to enter her, Nick was struck with the overwhelming realization that he had dreamed of her, fantasized of exactly this, for years. He had told her that he missed her, but that was hardly the half of it. He ached for her in every possible way.

Jen regained some sense of reality and consciousness and noticed the way Nick looked at her, unmoving. She wrapped her legs around his waist, crossing her ankles behind his back to encourage him closer. Nick got the message. He entered her swiftly and kissed her deeply, allowing her to swallow the groan he emitted. He was overcome with his need and desire for her in every sense. As he moved within her, she raised her hips to meet him, finding their old rhythm anew until they found their completion together.

And now, Jen nuzzled into his bare chest while he slept, letting the feeling of his hot skin warm her body again. Her hand wandered the ridges of his muscles, tracing his pectorals and abdominals and resting low on his belly beneath the bedsheet. The image of him, rock hard and thrusting into her over and over and over was still very fresh in her mind. The power and strength and sheer virility of this man had always had an awe-inspiring effect on her. That hadn't changed.

But he was different. They both were, surely, but the change was very subtle in Nick. He had always been quiet and focused, but he was much more serious now. She'd thought it was just from working together, that he was keeping a professional boundary. But it was more than that. He was guarded in a way that, even undercover with SIS, he hadn't been before.

A vice grip clutched at Jen's stomach as she recognized the part she had played in making him this way. Her sweet, playful Nick was more stoic than before, less open. She'd seen it in interview but had forced herself to push it out of her mind. She couldn't ignore it now. He had watched him bubble with rage over an old woman planning for her son to kidnap a little boy, taking Eddie away from his mother. Nick would have made an incredible father. Their child would have been able to depend on Dad for anything in the world. Nick would have been their provider and protector, sharing all his love and devotion with their little family.

But that was all gone now. Jen knew she couldn't allow herself to get even close to that again. It hurt too much to even contemplate. They couldn't go down that road again, couldn't repeat what they'd done before, couldn't go back to they way they used to be. Everything was different now.

Jen gently pushed him. "Nick? Nick, wake up," she murmured, shaking him a little rougher.

He groaned. "Jen? What is it?" he asked with concern, blinking awake and looking at her in the darkness of her bedroom.

"You have to go. You can't stay the night," she told him firmly.

"I can't?" He sat up, confused at what was happening.

"We can't do this, Nick. We work together. And we can't be the way we were before. Too much time has passed, we've both moved on. This was just falling into old patterns because we got drunk."

She was so sure of herself. He completely disagreed with everything she was saying, but what could he do? Nick wasn't very well going to remain in the bed of a woman who didn't want him there. "Alright," he replied simply, pushing the covers off and getting up.

"You're upset." It was a statement, not a question.

"No, I promise I'm not," he replied. Nick pulled his shorts and trousers on and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "We were drunk, like you said. And we can't be dating while we're on the same squad. But I had a great time."

She smiled softly, watching him dress. "So did I," Jen admitted.

"Let me know if you want to do this again sometime," he said with a smirk, kissing her one last time. "I'll see you at the station."

When she heard the front door close behind him, Jen flopped back down on her bed. As usual, he had been absolutely perfect about everything. He didn't put any pressure on her. He didn't try to change her mind. He understood. Nick always understood. And, as always, the sex was incredible. Let him know if she wanted to do it again sometime? Jen smiled to herself. Perhaps she would.

And she did. A few times a week, when they got off work at the same time and weren't working on an overly complicated case, Jen would give him a look and a wink from where they sat at their desks. And a few minutes after she got home, Nick would show up. They'd have sex. Sometimes in the bed, sometimes on the couch, sometimes on the dining room table. After that first time, he knew to leave as soon as they were finished. She did let him use her shower sometimes. And sometimes she'd join him in the shower before it was time for him to go.

It was casual and fun and absolutely perfect. Jen hadn't been this happy in a very long time. She smiled more and joked with her colleagues, Nick especially. They were in perfect sync on their cases and in their sex life.

On one case, Nick was in interview with Matt, and Jen was watching on the monitors with Duncan. She noticed, perhaps for the first time, the differences between Nick and Matt. At first she thought the different body languages were an interrogation tactic, but they weren't working too hard with this witness. Matt sat forward, his forearms resting on the table as he spoke. Nick was sitting back, his arms crossed over his chest as he listened with furrowed brow. What really caught her attention, however, was the way his legs were spread out underneath the table. His knees were further apart than the width of the chair. Come to think of it, he usually sat like that. And when she realized why, she pursed her lips, hoping Duncan was focusing on the interview and not noticing the way she blushed.

When he came out of the interview room, she was waiting for him. Duncan took the witness with the uniformed officer, leaving Nick to fall back with Jen.

"Can I help you with something, Detective Mapplethorpe?" he asked with a secretive smile.

"You've got to stop sitting like that," she told him in a low voice.

"Like what?"

"All…spread out like that."

He chuckled. "Is it distracting you?"

"It is now that I've noticed you do it all the bloody time," she hissed.

"What can I say? It's comfortable."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm sure it is, but I don't need people seeing your legs all spread like that and thinking…"

"Thinking what?" he murmured quietly, aware they were in the halls of the police station but unable to resist baiting her a bit.

Jen furrowed her brow, recognizing the game he was playing. "That putting your legs together might be uncomfortable for what you've got in your trousers. I know perfectly well that it is, but I don't want anyone else thinking about it."

"You don't?"

The tone of the conversation suddenly shifted. Jen looked into his eyes and admitted, "No. Just you and me. No one else."

Nick gave the smallest of smiles. After a few weeks of casual sex, Jen had finally acknowledged what Nick had known from that first time and long before. No one else. Just Nick and Jen.

When she asked him what time his shift was done that day and gave him that familiar wink, Nick had a feeling that perhaps she'd let him spend the night this time.


	16. Chapter 16

Two days of frenzied work, desperately searching for hard evidence against a rapist and murderer. Two days of coffee and cold pizza and nonstop interviews and phone calls all around the world. Two days trying to convince the DPP that Daniel Worthington had raped all those women and murdered Zoe Fulton.

In an effort to speed up the process, Jen went to Claudia's house to share their new evidence after Claudia didn't answer her phone. Instead of just consulting with a colleague, Jen found Claudia tied to her own bed with tape over her mouth and her clothes cut off her body. Worthington attacked Jen with a pair of scissors. She fended him off as best she could, tumbling to the floor, ready to kick him in the face if she needed to. Claudia had grabbed Jen's gun and emptied the magazine in Worthington's chest.

Jen had called Wolfe and the ambos and held Claudia tight until everyone arrived, afraid to let her go for even a second, just stroking her hair while she cried against Jennifer's shoulder. Everyone from Homicide showed up to take care of things. And as soon as Claudia was taken to the hospital to be treated for her trauma, Wolfie had the ambos look at Jen as well. She was given the all-clear to leave shortly thereafter, and she'd jumped on the chance to go home.

The first thing she did was take a hot shower. She spent more time than was strictly necessary scrubbing that horrible man's touch from her skin. After that, Jen had put on her sweats and poured a large glass of wine. She sat on the sofa, absentmindedly running her hands through her damp hair and staring blankly into space as she sipped her merlot.

A knock at the door jolted her out of her daze. With a frown, she put her wine down and got up. She looked through the peephole and was surprised to see Nick. "What are you doing here?" she asked accusatorily as she opened the door.

"I wanted to see if you're alright."

"You know I'm fine. You saw me an hour ago at Claudia's. The ambos said I was alright to go," Jen replied gruffly.

Nick just gazed at her softly. "That's not what I mean. I just don't think you should be alone right now."

She frowned, her brow furrowing in annoyance. "You shouldn't be here, Nick. I just saved a colleague from getting brutally raped. I'm not about to have sex with you."

"I'm not here for sex, Jennifer," he told her flatly.

"Then you have no business being here."

She tried to slam the door in his face, but he stopped it with his hand, pushing it back open and going inside. He closed and locked the door behind him. "I'm not going to let you push me away. You can't keep trying to deal with all these things on your own," he pointed out.

"Even if I shouldn't be on my own, why do you think you should be the one? We are coworkers and we're…whatever we are. But that's all!" she insisted. Her voice shook, betraying the words she was trying to make herself believe.

"Jennifer," he said quietly, the yearning of his tone painfully obvious.

"Nick, please don't," she begged. "We can't."

"Why not?"

She swallowed hard and confessed, " _I_ can't."

"Jen, you can't tell me you don't feel about me the way I feel about you. How I've always felt about you."

She shook her head, ignoring the tears that tumbled down her cheeks.

Nick crossed the room and pulled her into his arms. He couldn't bear to stand there and watch her cry. "Why won't you let this happen? Hmm? What's the hesitation? You know we're good together."

"I can't lose you again," she murmured, clutching his shirt and pressing her face into his chest.

"I'm not going anywhere, Jen. I'm not leaving," he soothed.

"You did last time."

Nick's heart skipped. He didn't quite have words yet about that. In the months—almost a year now—since they'd started together on Homicide, they hadn't said a single word about their past relationship and the way it ended. They'd each made veiled references to things. Jen and her skill working with children, Nick and his unending affection for her. But they'd come so far in the last few weeks. True, they only had a physical relationship outside of work right now, but Nick knew they had more there than Jen would allow. Perhaps this was the moment, the crucial juncture for them to finally heal. Nick could finally explain why he left because Jen was finally in a place to hear him.

Jennifer glanced up, her eyes shining with tears, waiting for him to respond. And Nick realized they couldn't have that conversation now. Jen had been in danger, had been half-strangled by a murderer who was about to rape their colleague. Nick could barely look at her when she was this vulnerable. His breath caught in his throat to see her in so much pain. He couldn't add to that by explaining that he only left because she practically pushed her out the door. No, now was not the time for that.

So instead, Nick gently led her into the bedroom. "You need your rest. Let's go to bed," he suggested softly.

Lacking her earlier angry fortitude, Jen didn't protest as he stripped down to his boxers and singlet while she brushed her teeth. She didn't say anything as he got into her bed and opened his arms to her. She stayed silent as she turned out the light and let him hold her tight against him.

"I'm so sorry, Jen," he whispered, dusting kisses on her forehead. "I'm so sorry for everything."

"Nick, you left me," she finally said. Her voice was hoarse with emotion.

"I know. I know, and I'm sorry."

She swallowed the lump in her throat, knowing that she needed to say all of this now, before she lost her nerve. She couldn't allow things to continue if she didn't get the years of hurt out in the open at last. "I can't tell you how many times I wanted you and needed you when we were apart. Things that only you would have understood. I was so lonely and empty that I dialed your number a hundred times, ready to beg you to come back."

"You never called me," he replied, surprised by her admission.

"No. I never did. I usually threw my phone across the room. Because whenever I got really close to wanting you back, all I could see was the way you looked at me on that day you left. With pain and with accusation and with pity. You told me that you couldn't look at me without feeling sad. Nick, I've heard your voice in my head repeating those words every single day since that moment. Do you have any idea what kind of torture that was? To have the one man who promised to love me forever look at me like that? Say those words?"

The whole time she spoke, Jen didn't sit up and look at him. She remained with her cheek on his chest, her hand on his stomach curled into an anxious fist. Nick wanted to shake her, yell at her, tell her what kind of torture it was to live in this house with her and have her ignore his existence, to take all her pain—pain that he shared—and collapse in on herself. He might have moved out, but she'd abandoned him months earlier. At the time, Nick had been confident that leaving was the kindest thing for both of them. Maybe he had been wrong.

"I'm sorry," he repeated quietly. There wasn't anything else he could say.

Jen sighed. "Go to sleep. We have to go to work in the morning."

For about a week after that night, after they woke up in each other's arms, each just a bit too quiet and sullen to indicate normalcy, Jen and Nick avoided each other. She didn't invite him over, and he didn't show up at her house unannounced. They focused on their cases, keeping their professionalism at the forefront of their interactions.

Then, Wolfie assigned them as lead on a case together. They were forced to spend nearly every moment together in the morgue, interviewing the staff and working with Ronnie. They were so perfectly in tune when they worked that all the rest of the awkwardness fell away. Somehow, they'd each become an extension of the other when they worked. The trust in the other's abilities that had immediately connected them from the moment they met with SIS carried them through. And despite the victim stabbed in the neck with a screwdriver, the missing corpse of an elderly woman, the personal items stolen from bodies in the morgue, and various coverups of everything in between, Jen realized she hadn't had so much fun and satisfaction at work in quite a long time. There was something about having Nick by her side on a case that was different than when she was partnered with Matt or Duncan or Allie. Everything with Nick just sort of clicked.

"I know we have to go through all of these morgue tapes tonight. D'you want to come 'round mine and get some takeaway while we watch?" she suggested casually. "Just to get away from the station for a bit? You know my TV is better than the ones we've got here."

Nick saw her offer for the olive branch it was. He eagerly took it. "Yeah, that'd be good. I can get Indian from that place down the road and meet you there around seven?"

She nodded with a smile. She'd realized, with all the fun they'd had on this case—as much fun as solving a murder and a ratting conspiracy could be—she had missed him outside of work as well.

They had gone through all the rest of the tapes and written notes for their report before ten that night. The samosas and biryani and tiki masala was all gone by the time Jen had nuzzled against him on the sofa and pressed a gentle kiss on his neck. Nick took the hint, and they were in the bedroom before they knew it.

When they were lying in each other's arms, naked and gazing into each other's eyes, Jennifer finally confessed, "You know, you're the best partner I've ever had."

"Am I?" He smirked with unspoken innuendo.

She nudged him with a small chuckle. "No, honestly. I've never worked so well with another cop before. I love getting partnered with you on cases. And yes, you're also the best sex partner I've ever had, I will grant you that. But also…you were a wonderful romantic partner, too."

He stroked her hair, letting his fingers graze over her cheek as he tucked a tendril behind her ear. "I could be again. If you want me to."

Jen leaned in to kiss him. She tried to put her answer into the movement of her lips and tongue against his.

But Nick pulled back. "I'm serious, Jennifer. If you want to do this for real, to try again, just say the word. I've been trying to win you back since the moment I saw you at Matt and Emma's."

She arched her brow in interest. "I thought you told me you weren't making any moves since we work together."

"I lied. I figured I'd have a better shot from being noble."

Jen couldn't help but laugh. "Well, you were right.

Nick kissed her lips and moved to her jaw and down her neck. "Just say the word, Jen," he said between kisses.

She sighed happily. "And what word would that be?"

"Yes. Just say yes. Yes to me, to us together." Nick paused, locking eyes with her, searching for her answer. He saw doubt and worry and…he knew before she opened her mouth.

"Yes."


	17. Chapter 17

Jen had been afraid of this. She'd been afraid of allowing herself to really be in a relationship with Nick, to open her life and her heart to him completely, only to have their cases interfere, or vice versa. There was no escape now, between home and work. Often, it was wonderful to share literally everything. They fit so well together in every way. Nick had been right about that.

But of course, it couldn't be perfect all the time. In two days, this case had infiltrated every part of their lives, causing a strain on their relationship. One morning, they were sharing a cup of coffee, forgetting that Matt and Claudia were sitting there with them. Jen brought over her mug and took a few sips, putting it on the desk beside her. Nick had picked it up and had a few sips himself before Jennifer took it back from him. Thankfully, no one had noticed. But they were so natural together, so wonderfully in tune to each other.

And then they'd figured out that the killer they were looking for was a grieving parent exacting revenge on those who had assaulted and killed others and gotten off on a light sentence. That interview with William Clegg had done it. Nick had bonded with the father while Jen had gone a bit too hard on the mother in the questioning.

"That was a tough one, eh?" she said as they left the Clegg house.

"Sure. Compared to those parents, what do we have to complain about?"

Jen didn't want to read into Nick's words. He meant complaining about the difficult questioning, certainly. He didn't mean that they, losing a baby in a miscarriage, had nothing to complain about compared to parents grieving the loss of their eighteen-year-old son. She decided to tread carefully, trying to redirect the conversation. "You did some good work with the dad in there. I didn't know you knew your outswing from your flipper."

"Didn't get us anywhere, though, did it?" Nick replied bitterly. He sighed, "Poor bastard."

She heard his tone and knew her concerns were valid. "We can't rule Clegg out as a suspect. I mean, his wife alibied him, but she could be in on it."

"Jen, we've talked to five fathers today. Any one of them could be the shooter," he reasoned.

But she wasn't going to let him make this too personal. "Yeah, and we'll find the shooter and we'll bring him in. We can't leave the killer out on the street."

"Fine, you bring him in, then. Because I don't want to be the one doing it." He was starting to take out his anger on her, and he couldn't stop himself.

She scoffed, "You're starting to sound like one of those talk-back callers."

"Yeah, well part of me agrees with them. I don't reckon society needs these thugs either."

Jen shook her head in disbelief. "Just like our killer."

Nick huffed at her with a bitter smile, continuing the walk to the car. "Odds are, he's a grieving parent."

"He's still a killer!" she reminded him.

"Yes, a killer. A killer who is acting out of sheer grief over the loss of his child."

"Nick, I know, it's awful!" And she did know. She knew exactly how awful. Just like he did.

"Yes, it is." Nick paused to recollect himself, looking away from her. He wasn't going to talk about this here and now. "Jen, for the first time, I've gotta go out and catch someone I don't wanna catch."

"The bottom line is, he has to be stopped." Jen desperately needed him to keep focused on their case and not on their personal issues.

"Yeah. And locked up. And punished. You really think any of those parents can be punished anymore?" Nick got in the car and refused to talk about it any further.

Jen sat beside him the rest of the day and kept her mouth shut. They were in the middle of an investigation. They couldn't get into this. It was killing her to see him in this much pain, but she didn't know what to do.

They had gone to their own homes that night, each making some excuse about being tired, needing to go to the gym or do a load of laundry.

The next day, they'd found that it was Clegg who was their killer. Nick and Jen had attempted to apprehend him at home, but he wasn't there. They found him pointing a gun at the man who had gone to jail for killing Peter Clegg, barely serving half his sentence before being paroled. Nick had driven like a madman to get there, and Jen had practically jumped out of the moving car with her gun out.

Nick tried to talk William down. There were so many people around, no way to get a clear shot. The press were circling, civilians were crying.

"Killing him's not going to help you and your wife. It's not going to make you feel any better," Nick told him.

"I want justice for my son. They let him go free! How can they do that? How can they, the bastards!"

"William!" Nick shouted, standing tall, moving closer to the gunman.

"Nick!" Jen cried, her tone begging him to rethink this stupid choice.

He ignored her. "Don't make me."

Clegg almost laughed. "What, shoot me? I'm already dead. So's Jane."

"No, she's not," Nick insisted, walking ever closer. "She's waiting for you at home. She wants you with her."

"My son was just starting out his life. He dreamed about playing for Australia."

Nick nodded. "I know. And he probably would have."

"And he killed him!" William pointed the gun back at his victim.

"Come on, William! Peter wouldn't want this!"

Clegg turned to him and said incredulously, "You know nothing about my son. He was so much better than this piece of garbage."

"He was. And you know what? You're betraying his memory."

"What? What are you talking about?"

Nick tightened his grip on his gun, holding it steady. "Do you think you're honoring your son? Do you really thing Peter wants to be remembered like this?"

"Peter was a fine sportsman. He was fair. He was honest. He was the kind of son a man can be proud of. That's how he'll be remembered!" Clegg insisted.

"No. People won't remember that. They'll only remember you, the father that became a killer."

"This is not about me."

"Isn't it? This is all about you, William."

Clegg couldn't face Nick's words. He turned back, pointing his gun at the boy's head. And Nick shot. The gun was pointed on Nick, and he shot Clegg again. Everyone came rushing forward to protect the civilians. Nick checked for a pulse and upon finding none, he closed Clegg's eyes.

Later that evening, after all the statements were taken and everyone was sent home, Jen sat in Nick's car. They listened to Waverly on the radio as Nick stared into space and Jen watched him carefully. She could see the tension in his jaw and turned off the stereo.

"You had no choice," she assured him.

"I know," Nick replied, trying to convince himself of the same thing.

Jen reached over and took his hand where it sat on the gear shift. He turned his head to look at her. And just like that, he felt her wordlessly tell him that their disagreement from the day before was over. The way the personal had bled into their work and that had affected their relationship when they'd avoided each other after, all that was behind them.

Nick looked away, content to let the touch of her hand soothe him.

"Let's go home," she recommended quietly.

He just nodded and put the car into gear. Without even really paying attention, Nick drove home.

Jen frowned. This wasn't the way to her house. When they parked in front of a big brick house, she asked, "Where are we?"

"My house," he replied. He knew very well that she had never been here before. But it was time she saw it. Time she knew.

She followed him inside and immediately saw the construction equipment all around. "You renovating?"

"Slowly, yeah. I've been working on it since I bought it."

"When was that?"

He paused, not knowing how she'd react. "Almost five years ago. Just after I moved in with you."

Jen was taken aback by his answer. "What?"

"It was a mess. I wanted to get it fixed up a little before I told you. I'd bought it for us."

Her first instinct was to say 'oh Nick,' and melt into his arms. But that was last time. He'd bought it for them last time. This time was different. So instead she replied, "Are you going to give me a tour?"

Nick showed her around the finished kitchen and partially-complete living room and dinging room. He led her upstairs toward the master bedroom. On the way, they passed a closed door.

"What's in here?" Jen asked.

"Guest room. It should be a guest room," he said, correcting himself.

"Should be?"

"It's actually the first room I started working on, but I couldn't finish it. I don't go in there now," he replied cryptically.

Not one to appreciate vague responses like that, Jen put her hand on the doorknob to go in, but Nick stopped her, grabbing her wrist.

"It was going to be a nursery."

Jen took her hand away. She looked up at him and nodded slightly. "We don't have to talk about it. Especially not today. I know what's been going on the last few days."

"Do you, Jen?"

She placed her hand on his chest, above his heart. "Yeah, I do. I see it in you all the time. I don't think anyone else understands why this case got to you, but I do."

"Yeah?"

"I know there's nothing you wouldn't have done to protect our child." Her voice cracked as she tried to swallow the lump of emotion in her throat. "You were going to be an amazing dad."

Nick took her hand in his and squeezed it as he confessed to her, "This case, Jen. I knew what William Clegg was going through. That powerlessness when a child is taken away. I know we never met our baby, and it's not the same as having raised a kid and watching him grow up for eighteen years. But I just…I could have been William Clegg. If there had been someone to blame, that could have been me."

Jen shook her head. "No, it couldn't. Because you had me to blame, and you never did anything to punish me for losing our baby."

"I left you."

The smallest smile crossed her lips. "Yeah, well, I made it pretty easy for you to go."

And in that moment, Nick knew she had finally forgiven him for leaving, finally acknowledged that she had put him in that position, that he hadn't been really given any choice. "I love you, Jennifer," he murmured quietly.

"I know you do." She pulled him away from the closed door of the guest room. "Come on, show me the master bedroom."

They made love that night in a passionate, patient manner. It was slow and reverent. It reminded Jen of their first time together, when she had first felt his love for her. As he thrust into her, bringing her right on the edge of climax, she grabbed his face in her hands, locking eyes with him.

"I love you," she gasped, pulling him into an all-consuming kiss.

Last time, they'd waited far too long to say those words. This time, even though it was evident in every look they gave each other for the last year, they knew that the words mattered. They whispered those words into each other's skin until they both fell asleep.


	18. Chapter 18

Nick had never seen Jennifer like this before. She was always focused on a case, intent on solving a murder, bringing justice for the victims. He knew she could get a bit single-minded and practically obsessed when it was a case she really cared about.

But this was new. This wasn't a case. This was her partner on that case. And had been more interested in him than she was on finding the killer.

And Nick found that he didn't like it.

"Why are you so interested in him?" he asked her while they ate takeaway Thai food in the kitchen of her house. He tried to play it off as a casual inquiry.

Jen was too distracted by her frustration that she didn't think about any motivation for his question. She just launched into an explanation. "Because Rhys Levitt has been a detective for, I don't know, ten minutes, and he's put on Homicide just because his aunt is Commander!? He doesn't know how to do anything. He's arrogant and far too clever in the most annoying way, and he keeps throwing me off, and no one should be allowed to be that young and attractive and educated and show up trying to take my job!

Something inside Nick's stomach jumped and twisted as she spoke. Clever? Attractive? Not words he enjoyed hearing her use to describe another man, which was something he wasn't comfortable admitting to himself.

Jen continued to rant. "His whole attitude is infuriating! He just grins and makes jokes and takes everything lightly. And he's always on that damn phone of his. I cannot understand his sense of entitlement. My god, when I joined Homicide, I'd been a detective for three years in Fraud, and I felt like I had to earn my place for the next year I was here! Maybe that's the difference. I was a young, attractive woman in a man's world. He's a young, attractive man in a world of his own," she grumbled.

"That's twice now that you've said he's attractive," Nick noted.

"Well he is. You've seen him. He'd be better off as a film star than a detective."

"I think you're a bit obsessed with him, Jen."

She protested, "I am not! He's my partner on this case, and he's driving me mad."

Nick smirked, deciding that teasing her might make him feel better. "You're sure you don't have a bit of a crush on the young, attractive new detective?"

Jen scoffed, "Don't be stupid. He's a boy."

"And you aren't considering the fun of having a boy toy?" Nick had to cover his mouth with his napkin to keep from bursting out laughing.

Jen's eyes went wide at his comment. She stared at him, about to protest the lunacy of that idea, but she stopped herself. He was laughing, yes, but there was something else behind his eyes. "Oh my god, you're not just taking the piss, you're jealous!"

"Oh now you're the one being stupid," he argued, trying to deny that she was absolutely correct.

"You are! You don't like that I called him attractive and I can't stop talking about him!" Now Jen was the one laughing.

"Well, since you mentioned it..."

She stood up from the table and went over to his chair, forcing him to allow her to sit on his lap. She stroked his cheek and hair and cooed, "Nick, you know how I feel about you. And even if I did have a crush on Rhys—which I do not," she insisted, "that wouldn't change how I feel about you. Besides, he's just a pretty boy, and you're an incredibly sexy man."

"And you prefer a man to a boy, is that it?"

She pursed her lips, trying not to smirk. "Well, you know me pretty well. You think a boy could do what you do? You think anyone else could satisfy me like you?"

As a show of agreement, his hand moved up her thigh and gave her bum a squeeze. He let out a sound somewhere between a growl of desire and a hum of appreciation. Jen laughed at his response and kissed his forehead. Nick held her tight against him and sighed, the jealous feeling in the pit of his stomach quelled for the time being. "I just love you, is all," he explained quietly.

"I love you, too. And no arrogant boy could ever change that." The venom with which she said the word 'boy' was more than enough to convey her displeasure at the idea.

Nick just smiled and breathed in her scent, placing small kisses to the part of her neck and chest exposed from her blouse. "You know, we could clear up the food now and I'll show you what a man can do."

Her body shook slightly as she chuckled. "I was hoping you'd offer."

"Yeah, I've noticed you've been a bit frustrated. You might need a bit of a release…"

She stood up, laughing, "God, if you only knew! You'd better be ready, Buchanan, because I am desperate for my man to give me the release I need."

They quickly put the food in the fridge before they dashed into the bedroom. Immediately, she began yanking at his tie roughly, pulling him down to kiss her. "Show me what a man can do, Nick. Take me like only you can," she murmured against his mouth. She pressed her body against him, grinding her hips against his.

He growled, "I'm going to fuck you till you can't remember any other man's name."

Her hands clutched tightly at the fabric of his shirt. "God, yes."

Nick picked her up by her waist effortlessly and tossed her backward onto the bed. She landed with a surprised yelp, but her lips curled into a hungry smile. He straddled her thin body and with a swift roughness, ripped all the buttons of her blouse, exposing her to him. He didn't waste any time dipping his head down and covering her breast with his mouth through her thin bra. Jen gasped as the pressure of his teeth and the wet heat of his tongue teased her, causing her to arch up against him. She clawed at his head, pulling his hair and digging her nails into his scalp.

He pulled away from her to roughly pull her trousers off her legs. Nick didn't take his usual care in seductively stripping her down. No, Jen needed a release, and he'd give it to her. A few of them, if he could manage it.

As soon as she was completely naked, Jen jumped up to bring Nick to a similar state. The buttons of his shirt littered the floor along with hers as she ripped it off him, just as he had done to her. He was still undoing his tie when she pushed his trousers and boxers down onto the floor. Jen took his cock in hand and gave him a few quick, aggressive strokes before devouring him in her mouth. Nick still had his arms in his sleeves when he froze, groaning loudly at the feeling of her tongue and lips moved up and down on him. Watching her take as much of his length as she could into her mouth, feeling the head of his cock hit the back of her throat, never lost its appeal. God, she was good. She knew exactly what to do to drive him wild.

But Nick remembered this wasn't about him. This was to show Jen how much of a man he was. As much as he was enjoying himself, they could do this another time.

He took a handful of her hair and yanked her away from him. In her surprise, Jen's teeth grazed against him a bit too roughly. Nick moaned from a mixture of pain and arousal and threw her back onto the bed.

Jen was breathing heavily and smiling. This was exactly what she needed. All her frustrations with Rhys, all the annoyance at constantly scolding an inexperienced boy, all the struggle at holding her tongue to keep from yelling at him. It only served to remind her how nice it was to work with Nick, with whom she could communicate with just a single glance. And right now, their eyes met with a singular desperate yearning.

Nick crawled across the bed to her and kissed her roughly, thrusting his tongue into her mouth. Jen dug her nails into the back of his neck and sank her teeth into his bottom lip, grinning at the groan she elicited from him. He moved his attention down her neck, sucking hard on her golden, creamy skin. Jen could already feel the mark he was making, and it didn't bother her in the slightest. Yes, let him mark her, let her look in the mirror tomorrow and see the evidence of his attentions, let the bruise give her that echo of pleasurable pain for days.

He moved down lower, palming her breasts, rubbing his calloused hands over her before catching her nipple between her teeth. Jen screamed, writhing beneath him. Nick lifted his head, making sure that had been a scream of enjoyment. She blinked at him and bit her lip with a smile, blushing in slight embarrassment of her wantonness.

With a proud smirk, Nick turned his attentions to her other breast, licking and sucking on her until she was clutching at him and panting.

"God, yes Nick!" she gasped.

His hand wandered down between her legs. He stroked between her folds with his middle finger, pleased to find her wet for him. Nick moved his fingers over her, never quite entering her, never quite putting enough pressure where she wanted him. She moaned and tried to grind her hips against his hand, and he finally pushed two fingers inside her, curling to find the exact spot she needed. He moved aggressively, forcefully plunging her over the edge of climax before she even knew what was happening. Her inner walls clenched against his fingers as stroked her.

When her body began to quiet, Nick sat up on his knees. "Get up," he instructed.

Feeling rather weak and wobbly, Jen rose up to mirror his position. She leaned into him and kissed him messily, wordlessly thanking him for his efforts thus far.

Nick indulged for a moment before pushing her off him. "Turn around," he commanded gruffly.

Jen did as he said, sitting on her knees, facing away from him. She felt his hand in the middle of her back shove her down so she was on all fours. Her heart raced in anticipation of what he was about to do.

With a tender gentleness unlike their night thus far, Nick traced the curves of her body, softly caressing her breasts, her slender waist, her full hips, and landed on the flesh of her ass. He massaged it for a moment before lifting his right hand back and spanking her. Jen yelped at the sting of it before emitting a breathy laugh. Oh how she loved it when Nick got like this, when he didn't treat her like a fragile flower, when he used his strength to give her strength of her own.

Nick spanked her a few more times with each hand until red welts rose up on her skin. Then, he spread her in front of him and lined up, thrusting inside her, quick and hard. Jen moaned loudly, "Christ, that's good!"

He didn't bother to ease her into his pace. He pounded into her from the first moment. Jen turned her head back to try to look at him, see the image of him taking her from behind like this, shaking her whole body with the force of his thrusts. Nick took the opportunity to grab a fist full of her hair, tangling and pulling it, anchoring her to his movements. With his other hand, he reached around to stroke her in time to his thrusts, teasing her over the edge. He pulled out of her as she was trembling with her orgasm, leaving her to collapse onto the bed.

He picked her up easily, her lithe body weighing very little in his strong arms, and flipped her over. As soon as Jen regained consciousness, she instinctively hooked her leg over his hip, pulling him in to her. He wasted no time entering her again, kissing her as he did so. She crossed her ankles behind her back, urging him in deeper. Her hands clutched at his shoulders and back. His movements were so frenzied that she couldn't hold onto him, her nails scratched him over and over and over. Nick hissed in pain but couldn't even think about stopping. He could tell from her high-pitched moans that she was close, again, and he knew he was only moments away from being spent, himself. She bucked her hips against him to find her release. Her nails clenched his back as her muscles clenched his cock. The sting of her scratches mixed with the warmth of her body made him tumble into oblivion, jerking his hips against her once, twice, three times more as he emptied himself inside her. He collapsed on her in exhaustion.

They were quiet, the only sounds were their panting breaths. Nick realized he was probably crushing her, so he removed himself from her and fell onto the bed. Jen caught her breath and sat up to look at him, this god of a man she loved so much.

She was mildly surprised to see a number of angry red scratches all over his back. Some had even drawn blood. Jen immediately felt guilty for what was certainly an immense amount of pain. She rolled herself over to lie on top of him. Her hips fit strangely well against his muscled ass, and she couldn't resist grinding against him and chuckling as he moaned into the pillow. Jen went to work soothing the scratches she'd caused, kissing and licked every single mark. Nick hummed appreciatively,

"Feels good," he mumbled sleepily.

Jen grinned. "I'm sure you're going to be in a lot of pain tomorrow."

"Worth it," he scoffed.

"I agree. I don't think I'll be able to walk in the morning," she joked.

Nick perked up slightly at her words. He turned, forcing her to roll off him. He settled himself between her legs again. "Oh dear, we can't have that, can we? You're a very important Homicide detective, Jennifer. Can't have you in anything less than tip-top shape."

Jen smiled up at him warily. "Oh? And how are you going to ensure my wellbeing?"

With the proudest smirk Jen had ever seen, Nick lowered himself all the way down and buried his face between his legs. Jen was taken by surprise, her thighs tightening around his ears. He didn't slow, using his lips and tongue to stroke her to yet another climax. Her body trembled and shuddered. Nick kissed his way back up her body to her lips, letting her taste the mixture of their juices on his lips.

"God, I will never get used to how good that is," she moaned against his mouth.

"A real man never lets his woman get too settled in their sex life," he replied.

She laughed, "And what a man you are."

He grinned at her praise, kissing her softly a few more times before rolling over so they were lying side by side.

Jen was so exhausted that she couldn't even get out of bed to put on something to sleep in. She usually hated to sleep naked; she'd wake up in the middle of the night freezing cold. But tonight, she just couldn't move. Nick had exhausted her too thoroughly for her to even care. He held her in his arms all night.

The alarm went off far too early the next morning. Nick got up first, taking a quick shower so the bathroom would be free for her to use. Jen sat up on the edge of the bed. Every single muscle in her body felt like jelly. She felt a soreness she didn't think she'd ever experienced. There was no way to know how many bruises he'd given her the night before, but it felt like he'd beaten her, not made love to her.

Nick came out wearing a towel around his waist. "Jen, you alright?" he asked, seeing her sit there, frozen in contemplation.

Jen tried to stand to greet him. She really did try. But her knees buckled under her almost immediately. "Oh my god, I can't walk!" she exclaimed. "I was kidding last night. But I really don't think I can walk!"

Immediately, Nick flew to her side. "Oh Christ, Jen, I'm so sorry. I should have been gentler. Oh my god, I can't believe what I did to you!"

She put her hand on his cheek to calm him out of his apologetic panic. "Don't you dare be sorry. That was the best sex I've ever had in my life. And I'll be fine. Eventually. I'll call in sick."

"You're going to call in sick?" he asked in disbelief.

"I think I have to. Hopefully with a little more time, I can come in this afternoon. But you go. No one should know it's your fault I can't walk," she teased.

Nick still felt inexplicably proud of that. "You're sure?"

"I'm sure," she insisted, kissing him softly. "Go get dressed and head in before Wolfie starts to wonder why two of his detectives are late."

Per her instruction, Nick did dress for the day, putting one of the three suits he kept at her house for occasions such as this. But as he put on his shirt, Nick felt the burning pain of the scratches all over his back. Despite the pain, he grinned. Best sex she'd ever had, that's what Jen had said. Nick couldn't help but agree. Perhaps he would thank Rhys when he saw him later. Rhys didn't need to know why.


	19. Chapter 19

They settled into a routine that Nick found he adored. He'd never been one to enjoy monotony; he found it tedious to be saddled with the same thing day in and day out. But there was something about waking up next to Jennifer every morning—her house during the week for the easy drive to work and his house on the weekends when they wanted to get away from everything—and making eggs for them both while she made a pot of coffee. They shared the bathroom, Jen showering first and getting dressed and doing her makeup while he showered and shaved. It was all simple and predictable and thoroughly lovely.

It was something Nick had known for years but was just starting to really understand. This was his life, his future, his world. There was nothing in the universe more precious to him than Jennifer Mapplethorpe, and he would do anything for her.

A John Doe stabbing victim started out as a case just like any other. Nick and Jen were partnered, as they increasingly were on cases, which suited them just fine. They spoke to fifteen-year-old Stewart about the victim, and Nick saw firsthand the way Jen interacted with children. There was something about it that never failed to give him a strange twinge of pride. To see her so gentle and kind and compassionate, and knowing that this was the woman he loved, that he was lucky enough to get to love her.

He was lost in thought, pouring a cup of coffee, when Jen came to put her hand on his shoulder. "Rhys and Paul found the victim's hotel. Let's go."

They went to investigate. The room was a complete mess. Nick was slightly sickened. "How can anyone live like this?"

Jen just chuckled. "Oh come on Nick, we can't all fold our underwear."

"I don't fold my undies!" he protested.

But she gave him a very pointed look, and there was no arguing. She knew very well that he did fold his underwear, and she got annoyed with him when he folded hers as well.

When they went back to the station, Nick was still in a bad mood. She put her hand on his while he drove. "If you want, you can come 'round mine tonight and scrub clean my stove."

"Honestly, how can anyone live in filth like that!?"

Jen just laughed at him. "I cannot tell you how glad I am that you're a neat-freak."

"Why, because you're too lazy to clean anything?"

She rolled her eyes. "You know very well that I clean just fine. But no, I like that you want to take care of things. You cook and you clean and you fix things, and it's lovely."

He took one hand off the steering wheel to hold her hand. "I like taking care of you, Jen."

"I know you do." She lifted his hand to her lips and kissed it reverently. "But let's take care of this case for now, and you can clean and take care of me later, hmm?"

Nick just grinned. That, however, was the last nice moment they had together all day.

Rhys and Allie and Jarvis went on a raid when Rhys wasn't able to convince Wolfie to let him swap with Jen. Jen was perfectly content to follow up her own leads, though was mildly curious why Rhys wanted to avoid a raid. He dealt with his failures in the field by showing off, unfortunately at Jennifer's expense.

"Single woman, mid-thirties, no family. Do you realize you're old enough to be Stewart's mother?" he asked her, using his psychology degree to his advantage.

Jen had fended him off sufficiently, but it stuck with her. She was in a rotten mood when she and Nick were at her house for dinner later.

"This case is bothering you, eh?" he ventured to ask.

She shrugged. "I'm just worried about Stewart. He's mixed up with something and now he's missing?"

"We'll find him," Nick assured her.

Jen turned her attention back to her pasta and didn't discuss the case any further. Nick was content to follow her lead. He didn't want to do the wrong thing and bother her.

Her mood persisted all night. She kissed him and curtly said goodnight and turned away from him. She did, however, sigh happily and snuggle into his embrace when he dared wrap his arms around her. Nick took that as a sign that whatever she was upset over would pass; everything would be fine.

Disaster struck the next morning, however, confirming the suspicions Nick hadn't allowed himself to really consider. Stewart's body was found on the train tracks. He had jumped or been pushed over the bridge to his death.

The look on Jennifer's face told Nick everything. She blamed herself. She turned away to hide her emotion. And he followed, standing as close to her as he could while they were on duty. He wanted to ask her to tell him why she was reacting this way, but he couldn't do that at work, not when there were others around. But he vowed to keep a closer eye on her through the rest of this case. He knew Jen was apt to make rash decisions when she was emotionally invested, and he didn't want her to make any mistakes.

And of course, she did. She yelled in interview so much that Nick was almost prepared to pull her out. Jen was a consummate professional always, however, and she played it just enough to provide the 'bad cop intimidation' that she was surely trying to use to cover up for her genuine rage at their suspect. Nick sat beside her and watched, waiting for the moment she needed him. Obviously she could take care of herself, but he never wanted her to feel as though he weren't right there when she did need his backup.

Thankfully, the interview did yield the name of Stewart's friend, Jared. Even having to chase down a frightened teenager, Jennifer got a moment of happy reprieve. Jared's mother attacked Nick with a rake, and Jen just laughed at him.

All good humor was lost when Jen gave Jared her card, imploring for him to call if he knew anything, if he needed anything, if he was involved with the pirated DVDs in any way. Nick, once again, did nothing more than stand by patiently, watching and waiting. Jared's mother threw them out of the house, and he followed Jennifer out, ready for whatever her next move was.

Back at the station, Rhys was back at his incessant annoyance of Jennifer. "More late nights. Should make you happy, Jen," he quipped.

Nick stood by quietly, exercising every ounce of self-control to keep from bludgeoning the little prick's head in. Jen just ignored it, glaring at Rhys for a moment before setting back in to work. What Nick hated most was that Rhys wasn't entirely wrong. Jen did love digging into a case and letting an investigation consume her entire life.

It was a few hours before Nick had a moment to look up from the data he was reviewing. Jen was off doing something somewhere, and he was rather certain she hadn't eaten. Best to check on her.

He found her reviewing their interview with that obnoxious baker. She shared her theory about fingerprints, that he was avoiding touching anything to prevent leaving prints that perhaps would link him to something. Nick couldn't help but smile. She was so clever. If they weren't in the midst of an emotional investigation in the station where anyone could walk by, he would have kissed her.

They went back to the bakery together to find some prints. Jen was so determined, anxiously so. Nick remained calm. There was no use in both of them being nervous, and he had every confidence that she was entirely right and would crack this case in no time. Once again, he stood by, watching over her as she took action and collected fingerprints from the bin lid.

Jen's nervous energy persisted as she paced around the desk waiting for the analysis results. Nick was starting to get a bit annoyed with her for it, and he asked her to give it a rest.

She sat back down beside him and revealed her truer feelings. "Do you think I work too hard?"

"Huh?" Nick replied, taken aback by her sudden willingness to actually discuss what was really bothering her.

"Do you think I spend too much time at work?"

Nick hesitated. "It's Homicide," he reasoned with a shrug.

"I've got a life. I see family and friends," Jen rationalized.

"Yeah, you see Dunny, you see Matt, you see me," he teased.

"Not just you lot! I mean just because I'm not married with kids doesn't mean I'm over the hill."

His eyes sparkled as he responded, "Not by a long shot!" But of course this was all connected, wasn't it? Nick knew that and was selfishly hoping to avoid it. He couldn't anymore. "What is it about this case that's got under your skin?"

But Jennifer didn't respond. She couldn't, not at work. Nick knew that but had again hoped that the answer was less personal than he feared.

When they got home that night, Nick was putting the bins out to be picked up in the morning and came back in to find Jen tossing a salad.

"Need a hand?" he offered.

"I don't actually know why this case has got under my skin," she replied, continuing their conversation from nearly two hours prior.

"Well, I know the cases with kids…"

"Little kids, yeah. Or when we have grieving parents. Those really get me, as much as I wish they wouldn't. But this one, I don't really know. You know our child would be nearly four years old by now?"

Nick felt the bile rise in his throat. Not once in the four years since the miscarriage had Jennifer addressed it so head-on. It was always referenced indirectly, always shoved under the rug where it didn't hurt so much.

Jen continued, "But Stewart and Jared are fifteen. Still children, but not in the same way. I don't think of them like they could be my children. They couldn't be my children. Well, biologically, sure, they could be, but I mean…you know what I mean."

"You always want to protect people who need it, Jen," Nick replied in a strained voice.

She turned at his tone, surprised to see the pain etched on his face. "I just want to keep them safe."

"I know you do," he whispered, pulling her into his arms. He couldn't look at her just then, but he needed to hold her, and he hoped she wouldn't talk about this anymore; it just hurt too much to hear.

And in the end, when Jen had gone to Jared to beg for his help but backed off when she saw his fear, when he had taken it upon himself to get a recording of the confession, Jennifer had barely arrived in time, shooting the lock off the bakery door. Nick handcuffed the murderer as Jen comforted Jared.

After was said and done and the team was finished writing up reports, Rhys just had to run his mouth one last time. "You know, you really are good with kids," he commented.

"Yeah," Jen dismissed.

"No, really."

She watched the young detective as he walked away. Nick didn't want to rehash the conversation from the day before. He tried to distract her by taking her out for a drink. Jennifer declined so she could tie up the last ends of the case. As always, he would follow her lead. She wasn't in the mood tonight. He'd leave her be. "Alright. See you tomorrow," he said good-naturedly.

But Jen stopped him. "This will only take about ten minutes, if you're okay to wait."

Nick sat right back down at his desk, smiling softly as he watched her.

While she waited for an answer, she whispered to him, "We can have a drink at yours tonight. It is Friday, after all."

And ten minutes later, he did take her to his house. He poured her a glass of wine and sat with her on the sofa amidst the construction equipment he still hadn't had a chance to finish using.

"Which room are you doing next?" she asked, eyeing dusty sawhorses and pile of lumber.

"I thought maybe the dining room. But what do you think?"

"It's your house, Nick."

He leaned over and kissed her neck softly. "You make it home."

"Nick…" she warned.

He put his wine glass down on the table and kneeled in front of her. "Tell me what you want, Jennifer," he begged. His hands traveled up her thighs to her hips.

A naughty grin curled across her lips. "Take off your shirt."

He sat up on his knees to unbutton his shirt and throw it off. Nick looked up at her, waiting for further instruction. She was eyeing his bare chest hungrily.

"Take off my trousers," she commanded.

Nick happily turned his attention to unbuttoning and unzipping her trousers and pulling them off her long legs. He couldn't help but bury his face in her lap, pressing reverent kisses and caresses to her thighs.

Jen hummed happily at his attentions. She sipped her wine and spread her legs so he could settle in between.

"Anything you want, Jen. Always," he murmured over and over against her skin.


	20. Chapter 20

It started out as such a good day. Waking up in Nick's arms, having a quickie in the shower, laughing and teasing over breakfast before driving to the station together. This case was relatively low-pressure for them; as much as they enjoyed being lead detectives together, it was nice when Allie and Matt ran the room and Nick and Jen could just provide assistance as needed.

It was that good mood that caused Jen to perhaps go a bit far teasing Jarvis in the briefing room. "Oh I don't see anything wrong with older people having sex," she announced with a proud smirk.

"Mapplethorpe!" Jarvis whined.

"Well, I don't. I mean, is there a cutoff age, because personally, I don't plan on giving it up. Do you, sir?" she teased.

Jarvis moved them on from that very quickly. Everyone was given their assignments for the day. Jen and Rhys would be coordinating the search of the tip, unfortunately.

As they made their way out, Nick stopped her in the corridor. "Don't plan on giving it up?"

She stifled a laugh. "I was just taking the piss on Jarvis, but no, I don't plan on giving it up at all. So you'd better keep fit, Buchanan."

Nick grinned. "Thanks for the heads up."

Jennifer winked at him and went to catch up with Rhys. The rest of the day was spent combing through garbage for hours and hours until she got to come home to shower with Nick again. He claimed he didn't mind the smell of rubbish all over her as long as they could get clean together. Jen had pressed her body against his under the hot water and sighed in contentment. No, she'd never ever give this up.

But who would have known that a casual trip to get a coffee with Rhys would spell disaster?

"Trish! Trish!"

All of the blood in Jen's body ran cold as she told Rhys to wait for her and ran over to greet Gina brightly. In all reality, it was a bit of a surprise that she'd never run into anyone from her life undercover before. Thankfully, Homicide didn't tend to do much work in this part of town, and even when they did, very few people would look at Detective Mapplethorpe with her short hair and her smart suit and see wild, casual Trish Claybourne. But Gina did.

Gina and her husband Mark had lived on the same street as the Claybournes. Trish and Wesley made quite good friends with them. Particularly because Mark worked in customs and it helped their phony business to be chummy with a customs officer.

As soon as she could shake Gina, making her promise not to tell anyone she'd seen Trish with that attractive young man, Jen made an excuse to Rhys to run back to the station.

"I need to talk to you. Right now. Gina recognized Trish," she whispered, practically dragging him into the break room.

When they were alone, Nick spoke in a low, worried tone. "Where were you? It thought you were supposed to be at the tip."

"We just went to get a coffee, and she was there," Jen explained.

"Rhys has no idea?"

"I don't think so."

"What did you say to Gina?"

"I told her as little as possible. She thought I was fooling around."

Nick's head popped up. "What?" he accused.

"With Rhys."

"Of course," he replied in realization. Trish fooling around on Wesley. Yes, that made the most sense.

"It just all came flooding back so I had to come here and tell you."

Nick knew all too well how much she had hated being undercover, how hard it was for her to live in the constant lies. "You okay?" he asked with concern.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she insisted.

"Rhys?"

She scoffed, "He's going back to the tip."

And when Duncan came to interrupt them, that was the end of it. That would be the end of it. Nothing had happened, their cover hadn't been blown, nothing to worry about.

Jen was in an anxious mood all day and night. When she took a shower to wash off the grim of the garbage at home, she wouldn't let Nick join her. He hadn't pushed, but Jen suspected that he knew she wasn't as fine as she had tried to tell him.

But after her shower, when she snuggled into bed with Nick, she knew there was nothing to worry about. The threat was behind them.

Or so they thought.

Their very next case was a slaughtered family. They walked up to the house to see Rhys run out and vomit in the garden.

There was never anything easy about seeing a little girl, a young boy, and a mother being murdered execution-style. But the greatest shock came when Nick went into the kitchen.

"What is it?" Jen asked, seeing his face.

"Tell me I'm wrong," he whispered.

He wasn't wrong. It was Abdul. Their handler in SIS. It had been years since she'd seen him, but after that run-in with Gina, Jen had thought about him a lot, wondering if they should get in contact with him. Now they couldn't.

Jen tried to follow Nick's lead, to keep her mouth shut and just work the case like any other, pretending they didn't know so much more than they were allowed to let on. He was right, of course, that they couldn't say anything and if there was anything SIS needed from them, they would be contacted.

But it was Jennifer's worst fears realized. After a lifetime of being alone and self-sufficient and independent and trying to keep her head up and her heart closed off, she finally found a home at Homicide and a family with her squad. Being undercover with SIS hadn't been so difficult at the time because she had Nick with her, and she didn't have anyone else out there waiting for her in the real world. It was so different now. She had Nick with her again, but it wasn't the same. The depth of feeling between them, the devotion and love that they'd fought so hard for, was everything to her. And the risk of exposure of their relationship was always real, but this case with Abdul's family seemed so much more urgent and dangerous than anything else.

Four years earlier, they had received their last communication from Abdul. It was a simple message, that they were officially released from duty on the Claybourne case. She'd felt so free, knowing that they weren't going to get the call to bring them back undercover. Of course, she hadn't had much time to enjoy that feeling, as she and Nick were too preoccupied with the excitement of her pregnancy. It was two days later that they'd gone to the doctor and gotten the news of the miscarriage and their lives were irreparably shattered.

And now, four years later, Jen's fears were resurfacing, worse than ever. They were back under the thumb of SIS. But this time, she had to lie to everyone she cared about. Matt and Duncan and Wolfie. It was one thing to have her private life separate from her work life. This felt very different. Secrets were secrets, lying was lying, but for Jen, this was just too much. Too much isolation and deception. At times, she felt like she could barely breathe from the crushing weight of it all.

Allie was so horribly suspicious, following them around and accusing them of shagging. It was true, obviously, but Jen and Nick had been so concerned about their problems being brought back with SIS that they barely remembered that they were also keeping their relationship a secret. Even so, that was an easy secret. They were good at that one. They kept their work life and home life separate, and that suited them just fine.

When SIS agents came pointing guns at Allie and she, rather predictably, reacted like a rabid dog caught in a corner, Nick had thankfully been able to talk her down and get her to go back to the station. Jen stood by quietly and watched, thankful that Nick had such a good relationship with Allie that she would listen to his instructions.

And Nick and Jen were dragged back undercover.

Jen couldn't believe it was real. Again. Not knowing when she'd get to sleep in her own bed. She couldn't even remember if she and Nick had made the bed that morning, or if they had just pulled the covers up and left the decorative pillows on the floor like they usually did during the week. She'd find out when she went home in however many weeks or months.

It was like some kind of nightmare déjà vu. They got dressed in their Trish and Wesley clothing once again. The last time they'd done this, they'd laughed, both of them looking so ridiculous. There was no laughter this time.

But at least Nick was there. He was there before, but this time was different. They had gone through so much since then. And of course, SIS couldn't know that. Denying her feelings for him wasn't so easy this time. Spending three months together pretending to be married had brought them close, had made them open to the possibility of dating out in the real world. And since then, they'd fallen in and out of and back in love, they'd moved in together—twice—and they'd nearly started a family together. Everything between them was so much deeper than Jen had ever imagined it could be. It was going to take a lot of concentration to keep a professional distance from him now that she needed him so desperately.

They entered the house that would now be theirs. It wasn't as nice as the last one. But then again, Trish and Wesley had just been released from prison this time.

Jen sat on the bed, trying not to lament her fate too much. Nick came to sit beside her to make the call to Hartono. He held her hand tight, silently promising to help get them through this, to keep them safe and get the job done. She squeezed his hand right back, echoing that promise.

If nothing else, they had each other. And that would get them through.


	21. Chapter 21

So much had changed in just two days. In two days, Nick Buchanan had seen his entire life crash around his ears. He was rather sure he was crying, but he couldn't quite tell. He held Jen's unconscious body in his arms in the backseat of the car as they were whisked to the medic. It was only a flesh wound to her arm. Rationally, Detective Buchanan knew that. It would be fine. She'd get treated, and she'd be fine.

But Nick couldn't stop thinking that the woman he loved more than anything in this world had gotten shot right next to her and passed out from the shock, and he was clinging to her with a desperation that terrified him.

How had this happened? How had they gotten here?

That first day they woke up in the Claybourne house had begun so nicely. Suspiciously nicely. He held her in his arms, just like when they were at home. He'd felt her get out of bed, and he followed her shortly. That was when the strangeness started. They weren't at home. They were undercover, posing as a married couple. The people watching on the video surveillance didn't know that they were a couple in their life outside these walls. It was strange not to kiss her good morning.

She looked so beautiful, though. Fresh and warm from sleep. Her hair mussed and her eyes still tired. Standing there in the morning sunshine by the window, gazing out pensively. Nick approached her with a soft smile, feeling just as in love with her as always. But it took everything in him not to wrap his arms around her and hold her close, pressing kisses to her hair and cheeks and neck. So he just leaned against the wall beside her, making idle small talk for the cameras. It was difficult for him to see her so ill at ease with him when they were alone. But of course, they weren't really alone.

"I thought it was gonna be easier this time. Last time we hardly knew each other," he noted.

"It's different this time," she replied knowingly.

"Mmm," he hummed noncommittally. Oh Christ, how he needed to hold her, to tell her he loved her, to comfort her through all this horrible mess. He leaned in as close as he dared. "You know how I feel about you," he murmured, repeating that old phrase they'd used so many times as a shorthand, saying everything they needed when they couldn't say the words they wanted.

Jen looked into his eyes and placed her hand on his cheek. It felt so normal, all of a sudden, about to kiss, despite the swirl of conflict and stress in her turquoise eyes. They looked rather gray today, though perhaps it was just the light. He stopped paying attention when he closed his eyes as her lips parted for him.

Shouting interrupted their romantic moment. Masked men with guns pulled them apart and threw them on the floor. Nick could hear Jen screaming his name, and his heart stopped beating. The most visceral roar of pain came from his throat, calling her name, begging for her life.

 _Click!_

The trigger of an unloaded gun echoed in the room. Nick and Jen both snapped their gaze up at their captors. Burns and Radcliffe removed their masks and began berating them for their lack of preparedness.

Nick nearly lost his mind. Jen was shouting angrily, swearing up a storm at these men who were supposed to be protecting them. Nick seethed beside her, trying to decide whether to shout or strangle someone or just pick Jen's tiny body up off the ground and walk straight out of that bloody house.

In the end, they went to McAllister and shouted at him, being scolded and put in their place on this op. And, even worse, Nick was tasked with going to Hartono by himself.

Jen protested, of course, not wanting him to go alone. When it was time for him to go, she blared the radio and came to fix his collar innocently. It was bliss to just feel her affectionate touch like this. They tried to talk, but Radcliffe interrupted them. Again. Nick had a job to do.

"Wait."

Nick turned to see more of that swirl of emotion on her face. That look of insecurity that made him just want to kiss her senseless, if only to make her smile for a moment. "I know," he replied, hoping they could continue the wordless communication that being undercover the first time had taught them. They had better ways now, of course, but they still had that magical way of reassuring each other with just a look. A glance could communicate so much.

And with that, he left to speak to Hartono. It didn't go well, and they waited all day and well into the evening for a response.

Nick had tried to keep her distracted, keep her from being too anxious. But there wasn't much he could do when he was feeling just as nervous, and there were cameras everywhere preventing them from being themselves.

"We can't be separated again," she told him definitively.

He sat down on the bed with strained expression. "Let's just…let's just play it as it comes, alright?"

"No, next time I come with you, and we do this together," she insisted.

Nick leaned across the bed, about to reach out to her, but he sighed and stopped himself. "Okay. Okay, we do this together," he agreed. How could he refuse? He never wanted to deny her anything. And he had missed having her with him today. There was no one else he would rather have by his side on this or any other op. His desire to keep her safe didn't outweigh his immense respect for her skill, his knowledge that she was the best cop he'd ever known, and she made every job better and easier.

And that was what brought them out in the open together, walking together, paranoid over who might be lurking while they went to meet Hartono, trying in vain to trust that their SIS protection was somewhere around to do their job.

 _BANG_

A man standing in front of them fell at the sound of a gunshot.

 _BANG_

Another shot rand out and Jen was down. Blood pouring from her shoulder. Nick collapsed, gathering her in his arms, screaming her name. Her eyes rolled back in her head as she struggled to remain conscious but ultimately failed. Her body was limp. Her blood, hot and sticky on his hands.

"No, Jen, please, Jen," he begged through dry sobs.

"She'll be fine, let's go."

Nick wasn't sure who had said it, but he was too consumed with panic to think straight. He followed instructions when he was told to pick up Jen and take her to the car. What car? There was a car? Go where? Who?

That brought them to the car. Nick's tears slid down his cheeks and landed on her blouse. He tried to stroke her hair, but his fingers got caught. Too much blood. Her bright blonde tresses got slicked back with the deep red of nearly-tried blood on his hands.

The rest of the afternoon was a complete blur. Doctors and nurses took Jen out of his arms and wheeled her away on a gurney. He was led into another room to wash up and change his clothes. He numbly agreed to everything anyone told him. Active thought was too much. His mind was full of mush, just a series of shouts and sounds and the blood and the dead weight of Jennifer in his arms.

They were eventually sent back to the Claybourne house. Jen was awake now, and well bandaged. Her maimed arm was in a sling. Nick helped her into the bedroom so she could get comfortable. She only had the use of one arm, so he gently undressed her and helped her put on her pyjamas.

Jen didn't say much. She seemed pale and weak and exhausted. Nick didn't want to overwhelm her with his fear and stress and all-consuming need to keep her close to him at all times. But he hovered nonetheless.

"The anesthesia's wearing off," she said quietly. "Could you get me those painkillers the doctor gave?"

"Of course. Let me get you some water with that." Despite needing to leave the room and be without her for a moment, Nick finally felt like he could breathe again. She was here, she was safe, she was going to be alright.

They had just sat down together on the end of the bed so she could take the pill when Burns came in. Nick stood immediately, feeling like a wolf protecting his pack. Burns tried to speak to Jennifer, offer kind sympathy, but Jen wouldn't have any of it. Good on her. She demanded to know who the shooter was, if it was Abbott.

And then it clicked in Nick's mind. That's what this was all about. They were bait. This was exactly what they were supposed to do. SIS didn't care if they got killed. And Nick was ready to make sure someone did get killed on this op.

He grabbed Burns by the jacket and slammed him into the wall. Behind him, Jen stood up. "Nick, don't!" she shouted despite her weakness.

But Nick could barely hear her. He could barely hear anything. The blood was rushing in his ears. He vaguely knew he was shouting, but he didn't know he was saying, such was the power of his rage in that moment.

"Nick, I understand you're pissed off," Burns said, trying to diffuse the situation.

"PISSED OFF?!" he roared. But he took a breath to calm himself before he really did kill this man. "Doesn't even begin to cut it, Burns. I wanna break your neck," he whispered threateningly. Nick slammed Burns against the wall once, a catharsis for all the visceral emotion consuming him. It wouldn't help anything to actually harm this man. Burns was only a messenger for McAllister, the man who put them in this mess to begin with. He was the one responsible for what happened to Jen. "Look at her," he hissed at Burns, going to stand beside Jennifer. He needed to be close to her, needed her quiet strength to calm and comfort him.

That night, they were forced to stay in the house once again. Still cursed to be Trish and Wesley Claybourne. But Nick had no intention of doing this nonsense anymore. Not when McAllister would rather use them as cannon fodder.

They spoke quietly under the cover of darkness. Soft touches and murmured words of a plan. It felt strangely familiar, hiding from the cameras at night that way. Just like last time. It was even a little comforting, despite their circumstances.

But they didn't even need to put their plan in place. McAllister was taken off the job, and SIS was now working with Homicide. Nick and Jen got to go home to their squad. Jen couldn't participate, of course. But everyone was glad to see her up and about. And Nick could focus on the job knowing that Jen was on the mend.

When Wolfie gave the plan of attack to find Abbott, he concluded by saying, "You'll be there, Nick."

Nick could see in the senior sergeant's eyes that he understood. Wolfe understood the deep need for Nick, personally, to see this through, to be the one to get Abbott.

He turned to look at Jen. She nodded at him. She knew it, too. She knew that he needed to feel as though he avenged her for the pain he couldn't protect her from. It was all there in that look she gave him. She knew.

Later that day, when they'd captured Hartono, Nick had broken off from the rest of the groups, running around the stadium in search of Abbott. Nick needed to find him. Nick needed to be the one.

He was hyper-focused, searching the halls, holding his gun at the ready. And there he was. Nick shouted, announcing his presence, just like regulation required. He was going to do everything right on this one. Even if this was pure personal revenge for Nick, no one was going to get this scum off because the Homicide detective went off the rails.

And Nick very nearly managed it. He shot the gun out of Abbott's hands before running to arrest him. But he was gone. Nick cautiously searched for him again when all hell broke loose.

Abbott leapt down to tackle Nick, beating the ever-loving shit out of him. But Nick Buchanan, full of righteous rage over what this man had done to the woman he loved, would not be taken down so easily. Nick finally got the upper hand, throwing Abbott to the ground, pinning him down, and furiously slamming his head into the concrete.

It wasn't until Allie pried him off Abbott that Nick realized it was over. It was over. It was all over now.


	22. Chapter 22

"So, finally you get to sleep in your own bed," Nick commented as they got into the elevator.

"Yeah," Jen replied gratefully. It had been a horrendous few days in every conceivable way. "But it'll be strange without you there," she added.

Nick watched her, not trusting the expression he saw on her face. She'd been so closed off while they were undercover, wound so tight. He'd tried to be a comfort to her as best he could, but she hadn't reacted well. Often, when she was upset, Jen would retreat into herself and pull away from anyone who tried to get close to her. It was what ended up destroying their relationship the first time. He didn't want that to happen again, of course, but he didn't really trust that anything would be different this time if anything really terrible happened. Being strong-armed into going undercover and then getting shot would have been enough for most people.

But, shockingly, Jen didn't seem to want to be alone, to deal with her struggles on her own. The elevator let them out in the parking garage, and she took Nick's hand as they walked to his car. She was still quiet, however, and that worried him.

As they drove, he kept glancing over at her. She noticed. "I'm just tired. And the painkillers are wearing off," Jen explained.

He sped up a bit so he could get her home quicker.

But it seemed that wasn't what she'd really had in mind. "Why are we here?" she asked in confusion when he parked in the driving way of her little house.

"You said you wanted to spend the night in your own bed," he replied quietly.

Jen held his hand in the car, pausing them before getting out. "Thank you. Though I guess I wasn't thinking about what I was saying. I assumed we'd go home."

He raised his brow in question, unsure what she meant.

"You told me once you bought that house for us. And since we aren't going to be going to work for a few days, maybe we should take some time and relax together at home. Our home," she said softly.

Nick felt his mouth go dry. He swallowed hard and cleared his throat. "You want to grab anything since we're here?"

She shook her head. "I've got everything I need at home. Let's go home, Nick."

He held onto her hand, giving it a squeeze as he drove them across town to his house. Their house.

As soon as they got inside, he gave her strict instructions. "Go take some pain meds and get right to bed."

"I'd love a bath, actually."

"Do you need any help?" he asked kindly.

She gave a small smile. "Well, I do only have use of one arm. And I'd like to wash my hair."

Nick nodded. They went upstairs so he could run the bath for her. She took a couple pills and joined him.

As the warm water filled the tub, Nick took great care in undressing her, mindful of her injury. More than once, she hissed in pain as he bumped or moved her the wrong way. A steady stream of, "Sorry, oh Christ, sorry," came from his lips. And despite her pain, she was endeared to his attempts and tried to insist it was fine.

He helped lower her into the hot bubbly water. Nick took a small basin from beneath the sink and used it to pour water over her hair. He sat on the edge of the tub and massaged shampoo and conditioner into her blonde tresses and rinsed everything out. They didn't speak, but Jennifer's hums of approval and appreciation were enough.

"Relax," he whispered, once he was finished. He pressed a small kiss to the side of her neck and moved out of the room.

"Wait, please stay with me," she requested. "Join me?"

Nick smiled softly, his warm hazel eyes shining with utter adoration. He didn't like the bandage on her arm, but that was the only thing covering her skin now; the bubbles had all gone from the bath. He efficiently stripped off his clothes and got into the bath, settling behind her. Jen nestled in between his legs and rested her back against his chest.

"Was this your plan when you installed this tub?" she asked as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Something like this," he murmured. Nick began to press slow, open-mouthed kisses up and down her neck. Her wet hair was a bit uncomfortable against his cheek, but he didn't mind. Jen tilted her head to give him better access and sighed happily. Oh, how he loved the sounds she made.

Jen couldn't quite believe how lucky she was. It overwhelmed her to think about sometimes. How on earth had she managed to find a man so kind and gentle and brilliant and strong and utterly perfect? It didn't seem right, that he should be so wonderful to her. After all, she was often distant and quiet, focusing too much on work and getting frustrated with herself for stupid, selfish reasons. And now she'd gotten herself shot. Obviously that wasn't really her fault, but being so weak and helpless like this was infuriating. Thank god for the pain medication dulling her senses in every regard, or Jen would probably be consumed with doubt and self-loathing. But instead, she had Nick here, sharing a bathtub in the house he'd bought for them and made a home, washing her hair and ensuring she had everything she needed while she recovered. And now he was kissing her neck and his big, strong hands wandered her body under the water and…

Jen gasped as the fingers of his right hand slipped between her legs. His usual rhythm was altered by the weight of the water, but he was undeterred. He traced and stroked her, causing her to squirm under his touch.

"Don't move your arm; you'll hurt yourself," he warned, whispering in her ear.

She didn't care what he said. He could say anything he wanted to her in that tone, his hot breath on her. But she did try to stay still. He was right, jostling her arm would ruin this. She would enjoy his attentions. His left hand had begun palming her breast, rolling her pebbled nipples under his thumb. And when he thrust inside her, first with one finger and quickly adding a second, Jen arched into him and let out a breathy cry. Nick chuckled against her neck but didn't slow for an instant. His hardness was growing against her bum. The whole effect was overpowering. She was panting and moaning loudly. There was nothing to stop her from giving in to him completely now. No more cameras watching them, no more cops or agents or terrorists around any corners, no propriety to maintain here in their own home.

Jen cried out his name as she came, trembling amidst the sloshing water around them. Nick's fingers were clenched inside her, but he didn't relent. If once was good for her, another would certainly be better. He changed the angle of his hand, ignoring the wrist cramp he was surely going to sustain. His fingers curled in her once more and his thumb pressed and rubbed exactly how he knew she liked. Anything to help her feel better, to forget her pain, to know how desperately he loved her.

And before the aftershocks of her first orgasm were finished, a second crashed over her. She let out a sound somewhere between a scream and a moan. Her body crumpled in his arms. She was entirely spent.

Nick grinned with pride, though his erection was growing painful at this point. Giving Jen pleasure, hearing and feeling her come, never failed to arouse him. And her bum pressing against him like that was doing nothing to help his situation. He sighed in slight frustration. "Jen, I'm sorry, you've got to get up."

"Hmm?" She hadn't quite returned to earth yet; she was collapsed against him limply.

He shifted against her and groaned at the sensation of his cock rubbing against her skin under the water.

Jen could feel that. She blinked her eyes open. "Oh. Sorry, let me…" She realized with the use of only one arm, she couldn't really get up by herself, and she wasn't entirely sure what she could do to help him. She should have thought about this before she let him get her off.

"I should…" he trailed off awkwardly, not too happy with the situation they'd found themselves in.

But Jen came up with a solution. She sat up as best she could, cradling her injured arm, and leaned forward. This new angle pressed her bum and lower back right up against Nick. "Go on, then," she instructed.

"Jen…"

"Nick, it's all I can do for you right now. And I want you taken care of. Please. I want to hear you," she insisted seductively, craning her neck around to smile at him.

At her words, Nick's cock twitched against her. He took himself in hand and rubbed against her skin under the bathwater. Jen moaned at the feeling; it was new and different and highly erotic. Nick moved with increasing speed. He grunted and groaned as he got closer and closer. His eyes were fixated on the gentle curve of her spine beneath her taut, golden skin. When he came, he ejaculated out of the water and onto her back.

Nick closed his eyes and leaned back as he caught his breath. It only took him a moment to regain consciousness. He was going soft very quickly. He washed Jen's skin off with a washcloth before he disentangled himself from her and stood up. He got out of the bath and grabbed a towel so he could help her stand and wrap her up to keep her warm.

"I've never had so much fun in the bath before," she quipped. "Thank you." Jen nuzzled into his embrace, resting her cheek on his chest, tucked neatly under his chin.

He grinned and kissed her hair gently. "Thank you," he murmured in reply.

Jen could barely stand due to her exhaustion at that point. Nick helped her put some clothes on and get into bed. He held her in his arms and whispered to her softly as she fell asleep.

"I love you, Jen. And I'm going to keep you safe and try to make you happy forever," he repeated over and over until her breathing was slow and deep and even.

For the next few days, Nick and Jen spent most of their time lounging around the house. He made them food when they were hungry. They barely left the comfort of each other's arms. Jen hadn't been this calm and content in a very long time, if ever. She never wanted to leave this happy bubble of love. It was just her and Nick together without all the worries and complications of the outside world. Here, in their home, they could be the best of themselves. It was pure paradise to simply exist and to love and be loved wholly and completely.

On their final day off before they had to return to work, Jen was finally able to move her arms without excruciating pain. She was off the meds and only had a single bandage over her healing wound. And even though it was their last quiet day together, she couldn't be unhappy. Jen felt like herself.

They had packed up a few things to take to Jen's house to sleep there; it was easier to get to the station from her house in the mornings. But before they left their blissful cocoon, they sat on the sofa in front of the television, enjoying the last moments of quiet. Jen flipped through a magazine while Nick watched the rugby match.

When an advertisement came on, Jen turned her attention to Nick. "Thank you for this," she told him.

"For what?"

"For taking care of me, for being so sweet and wonderful and loving."

He smiled at her. "Well, I love you, so it isn't hard."

"You've gone above and beyond, honestly. I don't deserve you," she said, kissing him softly.

The kiss, however, soon deepened. Nick's hand tangled in her hair, anchoring her against his mouth. Jen's hands traveled down his chest to his lap. Without breaking their kiss, she undid his trousers and reached into his shorts, grasping him in hand. Nick moaned against her lips. She gave him a few strokes, pumping him to hardness. Her ministrations caused him to pull away and gasp with arousal.

With a glint in her eye, Jen shifted where she sat on the sofa so she could lean down. Her tongue spread the bead of moisture over the head of his cock before she immediately took him in her mouth. She sucked hard on him, making him grip the sofa cushions tightly. As Jen slowly bobbed her head over him, each time taking in more and more of his length, Nick found himself captivated, as always, by the eroticism of this act. She had no hesitation in this or any act of lovemaking in which they engaged. But with this, she held all the power. He was weak under the spell of her talented lips and tongue.

Nick wasn't going to last long. Jen could feel him tense up in her hand. She sucked him faster, moving up and down his shaft with gusto. When he came into her mouth, she slowed, using the suction her lips created in order to milk every drop out of him.

Jen released him to grab a tissue and wipe her mouth. She grinned with satisfaction to see him slumped on the sofa, unable to move or speak. "A small token of my appreciation for taking care of me," she told him, kissing him one last time.

He was too spent to respond in any fashion, which didn't bother her. He had given her so much, this week and in all the time she'd known him. And if she could give him even a bit of the pleasure and love and affection he gave her, she would be happy. Tomorrow they'd be going back to work and back to reality. But just for now, just for today, they could remain together in a world all their own.


	23. Chapter 23

Nothing good ever lasts. In her stronger moments, Jennifer Mapplethorpe recognized that this theme of her life was horribly pessimistic and pathetic. But the truth rang clear nonetheless.

It had been a year and a half since she was 'introduced' to Nick at Matt's house after her return from Counterterrorism. It took many months after that before they ended up in bed together again. And even longer for her to allow them to take up a relationship together again. But they'd been together and committed and in love for almost a whole year now. Their first attempt at a relationship and its disastrous ending had lasted about this long. She should have known better. She should have known it couldn't last. Nick was the best thing she'd ever had in her entire life. It was foolish to think she could hold onto him and their love forever.

After they'd returned to work after their undercover SIS nightmare, things deteriorated rapidly. Something shifted, and Jen wasn't quite sure how or why. But it was different, and she couldn't ignore it.

They'd been together for months, very careful about keeping their personal relationship away from their work, or at least keeping it from being common knowledge. Now, however, everyone knew that Nick and Jen had known each other for years. And whether or not it was true, Jen couldn't help but sense their eyes on her, their judgments and questions and suspicions about her and Nick.

They had gotten sloppy since their return. Their first day back on the job, Nick had forgotten his watch on the dresser in her bedroom. She'd returned it to him on the sly at the crime scene. He had smiled in affectionate embarrassment, but she had swallowed back panic. What if Duncan or Rhys saw? What if Allie started asking more questions? What if someone told Matt and he were forced to report them up the chain of command?

Everything felt personal now. Getting hit on by a sleazy robbery sergeant was not longer just an annoyance, it felt as though he was trying to trick her into confessing her transgressions. Asking if she was married, had a boyfriend, bat for the other team? Jen came up with a scathing remark, whatever it was, she couldn't recall. But her heart beat faster, and she choked back the knowledge that she did have a boyfriend who had nearly beat to death a man who shot her just a few weeks before.

And as if Jen weren't caught up in her head enough about all of that, a quiet night in bed with Nick was interrupted by a surprise visit from Matt. Thank god he'd arrived just a bit too late for polite company and she had a reasonable excuse not to invite him in. And thank god he hadn't shown up an hour earlier when Jen would have had to leap off of Nick to answer the door with weak knees, flushed skin, and panting breath. There wouldn't have been any way to explain that she'd obviously been in the middle of having sex.

After Matty left, Jen curled up on Nick's lap at the end of her bed. He often held her like that when she was upset. He'd held her like that in the doctor's office on that terrible day that had ruined their lives. He'd held her like that on her last birthday when she'd gotten a rather rude voicemail from her mother. He'd held her like that after she got shot. And he held her like that now when her mind was swirling with the stress of lying to everyone in her life.

"You okay?" he murmured, holding her tight in his arms.

"Yeah," she lied. She was lying to the squad about her personal life, and she was lying to Nick about her feelings. It was going to eat her up inside, she knew. But she couldn't let him go. Not yet. She wanted to stay here with him like this forever, outside world be damned.

And she was able to stave off the inevitable for a few days. For a few days, she and Nick lived in their little bubble, work went fine, and everything was alright. Until Matt proved, once again, to be an ineffectual sergeant and Jen had argued with him.

Nick, agreeing with her position, jumped to her defense. "Matt, Jen's just saying…"

And that was all Jen could stand to listen to. She stormed out of the station before she did anything really stupid. The rage and fear pounded in her ears as she hurried down the road to her car. She vaguely heard Nick yelling her name and chasing after her. She stopped and tried to keep calm.

"What's up?" he asked with concern.

"What was that about?" she asked angrily in return. So much for staying calm.

"What?"

"If I'm having a difference of opinion with my sergeant, I don't need you to come in to bat for me," Jen accused.

He defended, "Hang on, hang on, I was agreeing with you."

"Yeah, well, don't. I can stand on my own two feet, Nick."

"Yeah. I know you can."

The gentleness of his tone and the concern in his eyes made Jen realize that she was being an absolute nutter about all this. He was just trying to help, to be on her side, like he always was. It wasn't his fault that everything good and nice was getting twisted in the anxious fog of her mind. "I'm sorry, it's just all this secrecy and springing apart all the time and Matt nearly catching us the other night…I still feel like we're living undercover," she admitted.

"Mmm. It's not easy."

Jen could feel the tears starting to prick her eyes. "No, it's not easy. And I don't know how to fix it." She gave him a quick kiss and said, "See you tomorrow." Jen rushed away before he could say anything else.

Shortly after she arrived home, Nick came through the door, dropping his keys on the counter as though it were any other day.

"Maybe I wasn't clear when I said 'see you tomorrow' that I don't actually want to see you till tomorrow," she said scathingly.

"Yeah, well, I don't want to wait that long. This relationship can't just be about what you want, Jennifer," he snapped.

Jen stared at him, shocked by the vitriol in his voice, the anger and accusation of his eyes. The last time she saw him look at her that way was the day he moved out, the day he told her he couldn't look at her without feeling sad. It was coming, she knew, he was going to leave her again. And as much as it felt inevitable, she couldn't help but cling to him with greedy tenacity. She sat down on the sofa and buried her face in her hands. "I know. You're right. I'm sorry."

Nick had clearly been geared up for a fight and was taken aback by her reaction. He sat down beside her and placed a gentle hand on her back. "What's wrong, Jen?" he murmured.

She turned to face him, unshed tears shining in her eyes again. "Nick, I love you so much. And when we're here, just us, I'm so wildly happy. But out there in the world, at work and everything, I just don't know anymore. I feel like it used to be easier. It's changed since we came back from SIS. And I don't know what to do."

He pulled her into his embrace and kissed her hair. "We don't need to figure it out tonight, eh? We've had a long day. We both fought with Matt. This case is going nowhere, and we're all frustrated. Let's just get some rest. It'll be clearer in the morning."

Taking his advice, Jen got ready for bed and snuggled against him, not daring to allow an inch of space between them. Nick held her close all night.

All the next day, Jen continued to be quiet and sullen. Nick didn't try to push her. He knew what the inevitable conversation would be, and he was in no rush to have it.

While at work, she tried to address the issue, to apologize for snapping at him the night before, but a phone call interrupted them, and they were off to chase a suspect. Jen didn't try to bring it up again over the next few days. Something told her that trying to talk to Nick would be futile. But she hadn't really made the decision until she heard the words come out of her mouth, asking Matt for personal time off.

Nick, of course, overheard Matt granting her five days of leave and immediately followed her. She could feel the hurt radiating off him, and it broke her heart.

"Why five days?"

"I need some time out."

"From Homicide or from me?"

She sighed, not wanting to answer that question.

"When were you gonna tell me?"

"We can't have this conversation at work," she warned.

"Well you had it with Matt."

"And I'm sorry, I just need some space. I think you do, too."

"Can't we just…can't we talk about it?"

"Yes, we could talk about it, but this is the one thing we never talk about. We deliberately avoid talking about it." _Just like everything else that actually matters outside just being together_ , she prevented herself from adding. He was so close, his eyes boring into her soul, his lips near enough for her to kiss and try to forget everything else, as she had been doing for months. But it was too late for that now. Nothing good ever lasts. "If we stay together, one of us is gonna have to leave Homicide."


	24. Chapter 24

"If we stay together, one of us is gonna have to leave Homicide."

Jennifer's words echoed through Nick's mind for days. She'd packed a bag that very afternoon and left, simply saying she'd be at her mother's. At least she'd kissed him goodbye. The tingle of her lips on his had the familiar sting of finality.

During the work week, Nick and Jen usually stayed at her little house, thanks to its proximity to the police station. It felt wrong to be there without her, though. And being at his house—their house—felt so hollow and empty. He'd moved into that house after their relationship ended the first time, and it felt terrifyingly similar to be there now.

And so, as soon as he knocked off for the weekend, Nick made an impromptu visit to his mother. She still lived in the old house where he'd grown up, where his father had died, where he'd helped raise his younger sisters, where he'd learned cooking and cleaning and laundry and the joy of caring for others. He never quite enjoyed going back there, always feeling cramped in the outdated architecture, being reminded of the difficulties and pressures of his youth.

But he needed to go to his childhood home, not just to escape the conspicuous emptiness of two houses without Jen, but because he desperately needed someone to talk to. No one on the squad could know what he and Jen were dealing with; that was precisely half their problem. Nick had always been able to talk to his mother, though. Not nearly as often as he should have, but she never failed to get his head right when he was having trouble.

He was surprised to find that his mother wasn't home. The front door was unlocked, as it always was if someone were in the house. "Mum?" he called out. "Mum, it's Nick."

"She's at a golf tournament, if you can believe it," a female voice called out in response.

Nick immediately sighed in relief. "And what are you doing here?" he asked with a grin, following the voice to the kitchen.

A woman with honeyed brown hair and hazel eyes exactly like Nick's smiled at him from the table. Her tanned skin was practically glowing. She looked really good. "I came by for a surprise visit last night, only to be informed that Mum's out all day today, so now I'm just raiding her fridge and wondering if I can get away with smoking inside like Kimmy used to."

He laughed and hugged her, kissing the top of her hair. "It's good to see you, Danielle."

"And you, Nicky. How are you?"

"I'm alright," he replied simply, pulling out a chair on the other end of the table to sit down. He realized that he had his legs spread wide and almost smiled, remembering a time when Jennifer had scolded him for sitting that way because it gave people the correct idea that he needed the extra space between his legs in order to be comfortable. But the memory of how happy and free they'd been just a few months earlier caught in his throat.

Danielle saw the flash of something in his eyes. "You're not alright," she said, immediately seeing through him.

Nick looked at her carefully, suddenly wondering why he hadn't immediately thought to call her, why he hadn't been talking to her though everything that'd been happening. He loved all his sisters—Kimmy, with her wild and artsy ways, and Hope, with her brilliant mind and infuriating attitude—but Danielle was by far his favorite. They shared a common sensibility, a quietness that their mother and other sisters lacked. Danielle always understood him and saw him the way the others never had.

As he quietly contemplated, Danielle scrutinized his face and frowned. "What's wrong, Nick?" she asked softly. "Something must be wrong, if you've come home to Mum."

"It's a rather long story, I'm afraid," he answered finally. "I was just wondering why I didn't tell you sooner. I can't really talk to anyone about it, about most of it, but I probably should have."

"Well, Mum won't be home for hours, and I don't have any plans. Start from the beginning," she prompted.

He considered for a moment, knowing he couldn't actually tell her everything—he was still bound to secrecy by SIS regarding the work he did. But Danielle didn't need specifics for that. "About five years ago, I was on seconded on an undercover assignment with another cop, a brand new detective, at the time. We were posing as husband and wife, and we were under constant surveillance for three months. And somehow, we fell in love."

Danielle smiled. "Tell me about her."

"Her name is Jennifer. She's slim and delicate, but strong. Fierce, really. Blonde. She's got these eyes that…I don't know how to describe them. They're a bright blue-green. Turquoise, but pale sometimes, almost gray. And she's brilliant, much smarter than me. She has a wit about her, this sharp humor that always makes me laugh. I don't really know how to describe her, really, but she's…she's everything to me," Nick concluded, realizing he'd been babbling on like the lovesick fool he was.

"So you fell in love with this incredible Jennifer while you were undercover five years ago. I assume you haven't just been quietly pining after her since then?"

Nick nodded. He explained everything. How they'd dated after being released from the undercover job. How they'd fallen together and made some semblance of a life over those first early months. "And then she got pregnant."

Danielle's hazel eyes went wide, clearly terrified of what Nick was going to tell her next.

"We were so excited. I bought a house for us and I bought an engagement ring. I had it all planned. I renovated the house in secret, planning on doing the nursery first and surprising her with it. I brought the ring with me to the twelve-week doctor's appointment. We were going to hear our baby's heartbeat and then I was going to ask her to marry me. And then when we got there, the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat. There wasn't one. We…we lost the baby."

"Oh Nicky, I'm so sorry," Danielle murmured.

Nick stared at the scratches on the old wood table and continued, "After that, nothing was the same. Jen was shattered. So was I, but I wasn't the one who suffered a miscarriage. She gets quiet when she's upset. Sort of retreats into herself. And I let her. I didn't know what else to do. But I let all the hurt and resentment build up and I couldn't take it anymore. So I left." He glanced into his sister's eyes, seeing the disappointment taking root. It hurt him, to see her look at him like that, but it was nothing compared to the horrible things he'd thought about himself for what he'd done. For giving up on her all those years ago. He cleared his throat to dispel the lump threatening to form. "Anyway, I moved into the house I bought and spent two years on a task force. When I came back to Homicide, she was on the squad I got assigned to. Seconded to another department for a few weeks, but there was a party at a mate's house and she was there."

Danielle smiled warmly, noting the joy in Nick's face and tone as he told the story. He went on to tell her how they'd just been friends and colleagues for a while, learning how to be partners on Homicide first and foremost. And eventually they'd fallen back together again. Casually, at first, but then deeply committed for the last ten months or so, secretly living together and carrying on their romance away from prying eyes.

"And then we were brought back undercover on that old operation. Suddenly everyone knew that we'd known each other from way back. Nothing more than the professional, but everyone knew there was more to us than they thought. And Jen's been getting distant again, worrying about what'll happen if anyone finds out. There's a sort of unwritten rule that you can't date anyone on your squad. It's a good rule, keeping distractions away and making sure your loyalties are where they should be. But it worked so bloody well for us for so long until we went back undercover, and now Jen's running scared. She got five days off from work to see her mother and think about us." Nick was really getting worked up now. "And I know what she thinks and what she's gonna say, and dammit, I know she's going to end it." He slammed his fist on the table in frustration.

"Oi, none of that!" Danielle scolded. She reached over and put her hand over his, forcing some of the tension away. "Now, you know what I think?"

"What?"

"You love this woman more than you've ever loved another living soul."

Nick let out a small puff of air. "Yeah, I do," he admitted freely. "But what's that matter if it's all for nothing?"

"It's not for nothing, Nick. Don't ever think that love is for nothing. It sounds to me like you and your Jennifer don't have very good timing. So maybe this isn't the time for you. Maybe like last time, you need to be apart so you can get back together and be even better."

He shook his head. "I dunno, this all feels so…final. If she decides that it isn't worth hiding and risking getting kicked off Homicide, after she's worked her whole career to get there, I don't see what time apart is going to do. She'll have made her choice, and I can't fault her for that, can I?"

"No, I suppose you can't," Danielle conceded. "But I know you, and you're the best man in the whole world. And I can't help but believe that if you just keep being the man you are, love will find its way 'round. There is no one more deserving of happiness than you, Nicky, and even if now isn't the right time with Jen, or if Jen turns out not to be the person you spend the rest of your life with, you'll find your way."

Nick exhaled and squeezed his eyes shut before opening them again. "Right. You know what? Mum's not home. Kimmy and Hope aren't here to turn our fun into something wild for me to clean up. Let's you and I get pissed. Has Mum got any whiskey? Or beer at least?" He stood up from the table to begin a search.

Danielle laughed, "I think all she's got is sherry. You know Mum."

"Drunk on sherry it is, then," he replied resignedly.

She grabbed his arm as he walked by and stood up to wrap her arms around her brother tightly. "You're gonna be okay, Nick. Somehow, everything will work itself out," she murmured against his chest.

Nick hugged her back and sighed, hoping she was right.

Way across town, in a part of Melbourne that most of the city often forgot existed, Jennifer was spending a few days escaping all the things in her life that had ever made her happy and gone to the one place that she'd vowed to escape as soon as she could. As she'd driven to her mum's house, she couldn't help but think that she must be desperate if she was willingly going to see her mother.

Susan was waiting out on the porch smoking a cigarette when her daughter arrived. "Jenny, you sounded awful on the phone, what are you doing here?" she asked in greeting.

Jen walked up the drive, sparing a bitter glare for the mailbox that said 'Hayes' in big letters—her mother's maiden name. "Hi, Mum. Nice to see you," Jen replied, leaning in for a hug and holding her breath to avoid the smoke.

"Put your things inside. I've left clean sheets on the guest bed for you. I just got home from my shift," Susan informed her.

"You got another shift tonight?" Jennifer asked, not knowing how many restaurants her mother was waitressing at now.

"Nah, I only work three dinners a week now."

Jen just nodded and took her bag inside. Susan stayed outside to finish her smoke. Jen was pleasantly surprised that since she'd moved out, her mother had kept up the habit of keeping her cigarettes outside. The house smelled clean and fresh, which comforted Jen more than she wanted to admit. As a child, she was never sure how much her mother did just because she was raising a child and how she'd cope if she lived alone. Clearly, she'd been doing better than Jen had expected.

As she walked down the hall to the guest room, Jen noticed that the walls of this house, just like the last one, were bare and devoid of any artwork or photographs. There was one small frame on a side table that Jen took a moment to look at. She smiled, seeing herself as a very happy child. But quickly, Jen realized that she'd looked so happy in that picture because it was her sixth birthday, which was the last birthday her father had bothered to show up for, and he had been in that picture with her until Susan cut him out; he'd moved out barely a week after that and never contacted his wife or daughter ever again. For all Jen knew, Carl Mapplethorpe might be dead by now. She'd never thought to look him up on the police database. She'd never given much thought to him ever.

Making her way to the spare room, Jen immediately knew it was the guest room thanks to the bare mattress and pile of plain white sheets sitting atop it for her to make up the bed for herself. But that bed made Jen pause. It was her bed. The bed she'd had as a teenager after she grew out of her child's bed. The polished fake wood was horribly scratched and peeling in some places, but there was no doubt it was the same bed. The bed where she'd passed out drunk for the first time. The bed where she'd cried herself to sleep on countless nights after a fight with her mother. The bed where she'd lost her virginity. The bed where she'd curled up and stared at the wall, wishing for a different life where she mattered.

"You don't need help with the bed, do you?"

Jen jumped at the sound of her mother's voice behind her. "You kept my bed."

"I wasn't going to buy a new one," Susan replied with a shrug. "You can make it up yourself, can't you?"

"Yeah, I can," Jen assured her, knowing better than to ever ask for help and be more of a burden on her mother.

Susan nodded and walked away, calling behind her, "I'll order takeaway."

For three days, the mood of their first moments in the house together continued without variation. Susan was too busy working to bother with what Jen was doing. Jen was content to stay out of her mother's way and sit on the sofa and read. On the second day, Susan left Jen a list of chores to do while she was out. Jen did everything without question and without really pausing to think about how incredibly ridiculous and even rude it was that she was thirty-seven years old and cleaning a house she didn't live in for her own mother who couldn't even bother to put a set of sheets on the bed for her daughter to sleep in.

On the third night, however, Susan came home in a classic rage. "Jennifer Mapplethorpe, you tell me right now what the bloody hell you're doing in my house!" she screeched, throwing her coat and keys in the entryway without bothering with where they landed.

Jen came right out of the kitchen, her eyes wide with terror, silently praying this interaction didn't escalate any further, hoping she could find a way to calm her mother down. "I came to visit you."

"No, you're running away. You always did this as a child, and I see you've not grown up at all. You can't just avoid your problems and hope they go away. So tell me right now what you're doing skipping out on work and probably falling behind with whatever you're supposed to be doing, or else you can pack up and get out right now." Susan folded her arms over her chest and glared at her daughter.

It was a bit odd, Jen realized, that after twenty years, Susan Hayes still looked almost exactly the same. Beautiful face, dyed blonde hair reaching her shoulders that always looked soft and shiny, slim figure, and blue-green eyes that flashed horribly when she was angry. Strange how someone so pretty with such a sweet voice could spit such vitriol.

"Jenny!" she shouted when Jen had been quiet too long.

"I…um…" She wasn't sure where to start. She hadn't actually contemplated having to explain why she was there. In all honesty, Susan was right; Jen was running away and avoiding her problems and had no real interest in talking about them. "Mum, do you remember when I told you about Nick?"

"The one who knocked you up and left you when you miscarried?"

A lump formed in Jen's throat to hear him referred to in such a way, but that was really all she'd told her mother when she had called her in tears, foolishly hoping that she could hear kind words from someone who loved her. At the time, Susan had told Jen to buck up and not waste her energy on a man who left her and be grateful she wasn't saddled with a baby just after she'd made detective. Jen hadn't tried to convince her mother of Nick's virtues; back then, she hadn't wanted to think about anything that made him good, not when he'd hurt her so deeply.

"Oh Christ, Jenny, don't tell me you're pregnant!" Susan lamented.

"No!" Jen replied quickly. "No, it's…it's Nick. We got back together."

Susan's eyes flashed dangerously again. "What's he done to you?"

"Nothing, I swear. He's wonderful, honestly. Too wonderful. The problem is that we work together, and if anyone finds out, it won't be good. Our sergeant came to my house last week, he's a friend of mine, and he almost found Nick there," Jen explained, feeling more and more pathetic by the moment.

"What'll happen if anyone finds out you're together?"

"I don't know. We're not supposed to date on the crew. I think one of us will get transferred or something. So if we stay together, we aren't interfering with the work, I guess."

Susan's frown deepened. "It'll be you who gets transferred, won't it? Wasn't Nick on Homicide when you met him? He's got lots more experience there?"

Jen nodded, knowing that, as usual, her mother knew best, especially when it was exactly what Jen didn't want to hear.

"So you can either stay with a man who you claim is wonderful, but has already left you once, or you can stay a Homicide detective. Which is what you've been working toward for your whole career. Is that about right? And that's why you've run away to me?"

Jen nodded again. Tears were pricking her eyes. That was exactly right.

Susan crossed the room and put her hands on her daughter's arms, gripping tightly so Jennifer would pay attention. "Jenny, don't you dare give up everything you've worked for just for some man. Do you want to end up like me? Christ, I had ambition once, just like you. And your bloody father took my whole life from me and then up and leaves us without so much as a backwards glance. Don't you let that happen to you. I raised you to be better than that. Better than me. And don't you ever forget it. No man is worth more than you. You hold on to your work because when Nick inevitably does leave you like all the rest, you'll still have the job. That's the life that matters. Everything else is just distraction. You are brilliant and strong and wonderful, Jennifer. Don't go muck it up."

After her little speech, Susan unhanded Jen and walked away, leaving her slightly stunned. Jen couldn't believe her ears. Never, in all her life, had her mother been so open with her praise. Brilliant and strong? She hadn't felt like either of those things in a while. All the mess with SIS and Nick had made her forget. But Susan was right. Jen was raised better than that, to be better than that. Being a detective in Homicide was the job of a lifetime. Nothing could get in the way of that. Nothing was worth more than everything Jen had worked so hard for.

For the first time in over a month, Jen felt a calm wash over her. It all suddenly seemed so clear and simple. Jennifer Mapplethorpe had spent her childhood wishing she mattered. Well, at Homicide, she mattered. And she couldn't let anything get in the way of that.


	25. Chapter 25

Jen sat in Nick's car, sobbing her eyes out. Christ, she hadn't cried this hard in a long time. But she had just broken both their hearts, all to spare them both more pain down the road. And yes, let him think she was valuing her job more than him. Let him believe that her career mattered more than their love. Let him continue to see her as strong and ambitious and clever, perhaps with a different set of priorities than him, but let him think she'd ended their relationship over something he couldn't really fault her for. Let him keep on thinking she was still as perfect as he'd once proclaimed as he kissed up and down her bare body.

Because as much as it hurt her to end it with Nick, she knew it would be so much worse for him to leave her again. Last time, she'd closed herself off from him rather than let him in to witness the devastation in her heart, and he'd left. She couldn't bear that again. And after spending five days with her mother, reverting back to her teenaged years, Jen realized that she was so unworthy of all that Nick saw in her, and ending it was a kindness to them both.

She had been lying in bed the night before, thinking about how she was worthless if she wasn't a Homicide detective, how it was the only thing she was ever good at, how her career was the only thing she could ever claim wasn't a complete failure. And Jen realized the way she spoke to herself, how her mother's constant badgering and pushing had led her to see herself as only as good as the job she did.

Nick deserved so much better than Jennifer could ever be for him. The love they shared, the happiness and devotion, none of that could last. It would turn ugly just like everything else. And if she didn't end it with him, she might have put her job at risk, and when Nick did finally take off his rose-colored glasses and realized how utterly broken she was, he'd leave again. And she'd be left with absolutely nothing.

Jen tried to take deep breaths and calm herself down. She reflected back on the morning since she'd arrived at work, hoping to process all of this rather quickly so she could go back to doing her job, the one thing she could count on.

He'd asked her to step outside. She'd been back for less than a minute. He couldn't wait. She couldn't really blame him. Five days was the longest they'd been out of contact since they started working on Homicide together. And just seeing him again had made her ache.

Nick took her out to his car for a bit of privacy. He gave her a long look and he knew. "You've decided to end it, haven't you?"

She smiled sadly. His voice was quiet and gravely with emotion.

"This isn't a casual fling," he informed her, as though she could have ever believed that.

"I know." And that's why she couldn't quite speak yet. The lump in her throat was too heavy.

"Do you?"

"Nick, this means everything to me."

"Great. That's the way I feel, too." He paused for a moment, watching her, praying he could bring her back from the edge. "Let's get married." She visibly jumped, turning her face to look at him finally. She chuckled at the absurdity of it. And maybe it was absurd. "Have kids," he added, hoping that he could keep her happy. Make her see that it wasn't so absurd after all. But it took him less than a second to realize what he'd said, bringing up exactly the wrong thing at a time like this. He tried to backtrack it, to frame it differently. "I've never wanted that with anyone before, but I want that with you." He'd been smiling but he turned gravely serious. No jokes. He needed her to understand. He'd been ready for this last time, when they thought they were going to have a child. He wanted it even more now.

"What if we do all that and in two years' time we split up?" she asked.

"That's worth taking the risk, don't you think?"

She needed to take a different tack, to make him believe her. "Yeah, but I'm the one taking all the risk. If we stay together, one of us is gonna have to leave Homicide, and you and I both know it's gonna be me."

He reached out to stroke her cheek, to touch her before she wouldn't let him anymore, to feel her beneath his hands and to know that this dream, this vision for his future, this love of his life was still real, just for now.

Jen had begun to cry in earnest now, his touch being her undoing as always. This was it. "Nick, I've devoted my life to this job. If I leave Homicide, I don't know who I am anymore," she sobbed.

"Okay. I'll transfer out."

No, that wasn't what she wanted. "You want a family..."

"I want you," he insisted, cutting her off.

"But I don't know if I'm ready to have children." _I don't know if I can have children,_ she added silently, but she knew he'd understand her meaning.

"That's something we can decide in the future." He was desperate now, clinging to anything he could.

"I'm sorry. I just...I don't have the answer yet and it's not fair to keep you waiting until I do." And that was perhaps the truest thing she'd said to him all day. How desperately she wished she could be more for him and figure out to make this all work but there wasn't a solution that gave her everything and there wasn't any other way for them to stay together that wouldn't inevitably leave her with nothing.

"Bloody hell." His voice cracked. He done this before, been tossed aside by her. No matter what he did, he couldn't seem to get her to trust in him, in them. Couldn't seem to hold onto her or get her to stay. And even though he'd seen this coming, talked to Danielle about it, he didn't think it would hurt this much. He couldn't stand it. Couldn't bear that he'd failed again. He'd done everything right, he'd loved her and given her everything he could give. And it wasn't enough for her. He wasn't enough. Just as he'd predicted, she'd chosen the job over him. And he couldn't stand to look at her. Because that wasn't her fault. He never deluded himself that he could be everything to her. He just wished he was a little more. "I've got an interview to do," he murmured, getting out of his car.

"Nick!" She didn't want it to end this way, with him walking out. Again. But what could she do? She broke his heart. Again.

And after she had calmed herself down and gone back in, Jen desperately tried to avoid him and drown herself in work and prevent any contact between them. Even a single glance would tear her to pieces.

She couldn't be completely free of him, however. She watched as Nick unraveled in the briefing, snapping at Allie. Apparently he'd been rather aggressive in interview without preparing her, which wasn't like him. He usually got on so well with Allie. It was unusual to see him treat her with antagonism and not with that older brother mentoring attitude.

Jen visibly cringed to see him mouth off to Rhys and glare at Matt and shove chairs. It hurt her to see him like that. She was trying desperately to appear normal, focus on the job. But she'd had a few days to get used to the idea. It was too much to expect he be alright so quickly, to hide his hurt.

And she really had hurt him. She knew she had. But she needed to. It would be better for him this way. He'd be alright. He was strong. So much stronger than her. Jen had the job and the squad. This was how it should be. Nick would be himself again soon enough, and they'd go back to being friends and colleagues. Everything would turn out fine. It had to.


	26. Chapter 26

At first, when Matt had scolded Nick for his foul attitude and forcefully suggested he take two days off, Jen had felt an overpowering wave of guilt. She had broken up with him and it had upset him so much that he was yelling at their sergeant. It was affecting his work.

When Nick had taken Matt up on the offer, she felt even worse.

But within twenty minutes of sitting at her desk without Nick beside her, they'd gotten a new case, a porn producer murdered on his own website. She and Allie were made lead on the case, and Jen buried herself in the work. And it felt fantastic. Jen felt like she had when she'd first started on Homicide all those years before. Devoted and dedicated to her cases, not distracted by anything outside work, getting to be challenged in a way that let her really make a difference and use all her skills.

Yes, going home to an empty house, knowing Nick wasn't going to be coming through the door and hold her in his arms as they fell asleep still hurt. They'd been apart for just over a week and it hadn't quite sunk in yet. But her personal life being in tatters was well worth it if she could go to work without worrying anymore, without constantly looking over her shoulder for who was watching, without being terrified she was going to lose her job.

And when Nick returned after his time off, he slid right back into work as though nothing had happened. He was calm and helpful and brilliant like he'd always been. Everything was going to be just fine.

The moment he'd offered to stay late and keep working the case with Duncan so she could go to Waverly's Women in Blue dinner was the moment Jen knew. They could do this. They could work together and it would all be alright. And that's all that mattered.

Jen went up to Commander Waverly's office to update her on the case. It hadn't been her intention to discuss personal matters, but she couldn't help herself. Bernice Waverly was a shining example of strength and success for Jennifer and had been since she'd first started in Homicide. Being a woman in that world was no easy feat, but knowing Waverly had been through it all and made through the worst of it and come out the other side rising above the rest was such an inspiration. And now, when Jen had sacrificed the best thing in her entire life for the opportunity to keep doing the work that gave her life purpose, she needed to hear that it was the right decision. Obviously she wasn't about to pour her heart out to Waverly or give her any indication that she'd been shagging a fellow detective for the better part of a year, but she could still ask if it was all worth it.

Waverly's words rang through Jen's mind the rest of the night, echoing through her head as she got dressed and did her makeup.

"My career...I allowed my career to cost me my marriage. And I lost my son in the most terrible way. But I love my job, Jennifer. And I have Rhys. That's lovely. Look, the truth is, no one has an easy life. And only you can decide what is important for you."

What was important for Jen? Surely it was the job. It had to be. She'd realized that while staying with her mother, that she'd worked her whole life to matter, to do something that meant something to the world. Being a Homicide detective was precisely that.

And Waverly had said it herself. "Jennifer, there is no reason you couldn't be sitting in this chair one day. If that's what you wanted."

That was exactly what she wanted. Wasn't it? Wasn't that the whole point? Rising through the ranks, ending up Commander? Jen actually hadn't thought about it before. She never really thought of herself as one to sit behind a desk and coordinate investigations or deal with the media and politicians and whatnot. True, she did like sitting at her own desk for hours researching phone records and bank statements and doing background checks, but that was more the interest in detail work and seeing the forest through the trees, not enjoying actually sitting at her desk. But perhaps she did want to make sergeant sometime soon. Nick had been on Homicide for ten years and he hadn't tried to be promoted. But Jen wasn't like Nick. That was part of the problem.

She shook herself, finishing her mascara and swiping on a bit of lipstick. She was already late to the Women in Blue dinner.

Waverly arrived late as well. She delivered a beautiful speech about sacrifice, the way women in the police force did it one way or another all the time, the sacrifices that meant everything. It was as though Waverly had read Jen's mind in the office earlier and wrote a speech about it to tell two hundred people. Jen knew the sacrifice she'd made. Sacrificing the only real chance she'd probably ever have for personal joy and love and a happily ever after just so she could secure her place on the job, to hang on to the ambition that had gotten her to where she was and would continue to propel her in the future. That was a worthy sacrifice, surely.

Nick had sacrificed his own evening to continue to work the case so Jen could go to the event. She smiled just thinking about it. He was a good man. The best. There was never a better partner to have on the force or in life. And if she could have him as her partner on cases like this where she could trust him to have her back and support or challenge her theories, that was all she really needed.

As the choir sang their beautiful song, Jen discretely pulled out her cell phone. She opened her text messages and sent one to Nick. **Thanks for taking care of the case tonight. Let me know how it goes.**

Within a minute, her phone lit up again with his response. **No worries. Duncan and I made the arrest. Business manager confessed. It was all about the money. It always is.**

The casual and easy words made her smile. She knew she could tell him now. She had to. **Nick, I'm sorry it didn't work out for us. I just have to focus on my life and my career. When I started in Homicide, I was still trying to put my life together after what happened between us the first time. And then we got back together, and I feel like I haven't had time on my own on the job. Not really. And I just need time to be on my own.**

His response came through quickly. **Jen, you know how I feel about you. I've never felt any different. I don't think I ever will. But I'm not going to sit around and wait for you to give me the time of day.**

She frowned, feeling her heart constrict in his chest. Yes, she did know how he felt about her. **I don't expect you to wait around.**

 **Right. I'll see you at work.**

And with that, Nick threw his phone across the desk. He couldn't bear to look at it. If she responded, he didn't want to know. Not yet. When her message came in, his stomach had flipped with the surge of hope that she'd come to her senses, that she'd missed him as much as he'd missed her. But instead of giving him another chance, giving _them_ another chance, she'd just confirmed her decision to end it all.

He hated her for it. No, actually, he couldn't hate her for it. Try as he might during those two days he spent at home redoubling his efforts on fixing up his house and installing lighting fixtures in his dining room, he hadn't been able to force himself to hate her. He just couldn't do it. She had shattered his heart, despite all his best efforts to love her as she deserved. And still he ached to have her back.

And that was when he realized that loving her as he did wasn't actually good. Clearly it was no good for him, since he was miserable. But if he loved her so much and tried so hard to give her everything she needed, maybe he had no real clue what she actually needed. Could it be that he knew so little of her that he didn't really know how to love her properly? He thought he'd done a good job. He thought they had been happy. But maybe he was wrong. Maybe he never really knew her at all.


	27. Chapter 27

Jen was pleased that after the curt ending to her text conversation with Nick that they'd been able to fall back to normalcy at work. She watched him a bit closer than she should have, perhaps, ensuring that he was doing as well as she had hoped. It seemed like he was. They were just as in sync during interview as they'd always been. Ideas flying back and forth, the understanding and support they had always shared was right there.

Nick could feel Jen's eyes on him, that constant look of concern and pity, worried he'd break to pieces just because he wasn't sharing her bed anymore. He probably should have been annoyed by it, but it was weirdly comforting. At least she still cared. But that wasn't really fair. She'd always cared about him. She still cared about him. She just cared about the job more.

And so for her, Nick made more of an effort to keep everything business between them, to make sure that their working relationship—the only relationship they had left—was just as strong as it always was.

Leave it to Terry Jarvis to ruin it all.

A prisoner escaped during transport and killed a guard. Nick and Duncan went to the prison to interview the inmates who knew the escapee. And who should turn up? Dane bloody Majors. That prick haunted Nick's dreams to this day. He barely could stand to think about cricket anymore thanks to Dane Majors and the brutal beating he'd done on his wife. Nick felt ill just looking at Majors' face, but he wouldn't give the bastard the satisfaction of looking away.

And then Waverly made Jarvis give a press conference with Dunny and Nick standing beside him. Nick was accosted by a journo, to his infinite displeasure. She smiled in a way that let him know that this young woman knew exactly how pretty and enticing and attractive she was. But she smiled at him. And he smiled back. But the was no way he'd give an interview about Majors.

Dunny just couldn't help taking the piss when they got back to the station. "She was cute, Nick. And we all know you've got a thing for journos," he teased.

Nick rolled his eyes, trying to ignore him. But Jen sat forward at her desk. "What's this now?"

"Oh you weren't here when Nick started," Duncan realized. "His first case with the squad, this journo woman kept getting herself involved for some reason. Nick was real sweet on her. Gave her your jacket, didn't you, Nick?"

"After she'd been tortured half-naked, yeah, I did," he replied incredulously. This was not a conversation he wanted happening at work. Especially not in front of Jen. Especially not now. Not when he couldn't take the time to explain everything to her in private and show her exactly how much he cared for her and how little he cared for some woman from his past.

"Buchanan, you're giving that interview with the Tribune," Jarvis barked.

And that's how Nick ended up sitting at Juliette Gardiner's desk at the Tribune talking about Dane bloody Majors, about the two grueling trials, the conviction, the way Graham Procter's grief over his beautiful daughter, Tahnee, still haunted him. And when it was over, he let Juliette thank him, hoping that could be the end of it.

A fool's hope, of course.

Jen saw Nick return to the station and immediately asked him how it went. Again, she watched him closely, hoping to catch a glimpse behind the cool, collected exterior to see what he was feeling underneath. Was Duncan right? Did Nick have a thing for journos? Did he have a thing for this one?

But her fears were allayed when Nick seemed genuinely annoyed by the whole sodding thing, but his words were wise. Jen felt her body relax slightly. He was talking just like he did when he was partnered with Allie, when he would complain about her bad attitude but keep faith in her abilities as a detective.

Nick's phone beeped, and he read the text aloud. Juliette asking him for a drink. Jennifer's heart sank into her stomach. This time, when he brushed off the invitation and assumed Juliette just wanted more information for her article, Jen didn't believe him.

But they got right back to work. Jen threw herself back into the case with him and one again relaxed. At least she had this with him. Let him drink with some woman. Let him do whatever he wanted when he was off duty. Jen had no hold over him there. But here, at Homicide, working the case, she had all the best of him, which was exactly what she wanted.

After he and Jen finished their interview and Wolfie gave everyone else new assignments, sending him home, Nick was at a loss of what to do. He had been counting on work to keep him occupied and centered. Keep him away from drowning in thoughts of Jen and Dane Majors and all the other hell of his life. In the midst of his chaotic emotions, Nick was feeling a bit…reckless. So he texted her. He accepted Juliette's drink invitation. He shouldn't have done it. It wasn't fair to a nice girl like Juliette to have anything to do with a man like him who couldn't quite tell which way was up. It wasn't fair to anyone on the squad that he spend his free time with a reporter. It wasn't fair to Jen for him to parade around with some other woman, even if they were broken up; it was certainly too soon for him to rebound and too soon for Jen to have to see it.

But there was something about Juliette that captured his attention. She was a bad idea for every reason he could think of. Too inquisitive, too talkative, too nice, too young. And yet, she was perfect for what he needed. She didn't know him, she didn't possess any depth, she didn't threaten any kind of permanent entanglement. She was the right choice. She was the wrong choice. But Nick had realized that in his relationship with Jennifer—both times—he had allowed her to make all the decisions. He'd been so passive in their life together, following wherever she led. Well, it was time for Nick to make a choice, whether it was right or wrong.

And that's why he brought Juliette home with him. She wasn't the first woman he'd brought to this house, not by a long shot. Though she was the first woman since Jen knew it was supposed to be the house where he wanted to raise their family. If Juliette asked for a tour, Nick would avoid the unfinished nursery that still lived behind that locked door.

Juliette was light and bright and lovely. She had the youthful exuberance that he had lost a long time ago, a sweetness that felt refreshing. New and refreshing. Yes, that's exactly what he needed. It was exciting to kiss someone new. It was exciting to take someone new to bed, to explore a new body and feel things that were all new. He'd been set in his ways with Jen, and he was long due for a change.

But when he kissed Juliette, felt her lips move against his, heard her hum, it didn't feel exciting. It didn't feel electric or alluring. He put his hand in her hair to bring her closer, to press on until he felt something. The texture of her hair was all wrong. His fingers recoiled away from her before he knew what he was doing. He just wasn't used to her yet. He traced her lips with his tongue and delved into her open mouth. As ridiculous as it was, Nick couldn't help but realize that she tasted all wrong. There was no flavor he craved here.

Nick kept his eyes closed and led Juliette upstairs. Like jumping into cold water or ripping off a bandage, just best to get it over with and get used to it all in one go. He didn't take his time to undress her, leaving her to do most of it herself as he removed his own clothes. He didn't bother to lavish her body with kisses, choosing instead to keep his lips on hers and let his hands wander her body. Her skin was impossibly soft and smooth and supple. When he palmed her breast, she didn't react as he'd expected. But no matter. He felt her grasp his growing erection, pumping him to hardness. He didn't mind the extra help, though her fingers were too small, too delicate to command any power over him.

Nick kept his eyes closed and let his own fingers travel between her legs to ready her body for him. Surprisingly, she was already wet with desire. He didn't linger, didn't want to spend his time teasing her, pleasuring her, tasting her.

Nick kept his eyes closed as he entered her. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to go through with this if he let himself look at her, if he opened his eyes and saw pale skin, dark eyes, and dark hair. Where was the golden pink skin he loved so well, the turquoise-gray eyes that entranced him, the blonde tresses that made him weak? Gone. Long gone. He would have to make do.

Nick kept his eyes closed the whole time he thrust into her, ignoring her moaning and panting, hoping she'd be responsive enough to finish without much effort on his part. Thankfully, she was. He pulled out and finished quickly. He barely gave himself time to rest before he reached over for tissues to clean her up. Only then did he collapse into bed beside her and close his eyes. Juliette didn't linger for long, going home shortly after.

The next day, Nick felt more alive in interview with Jen than he had in bed with Juliette. He hated himself for it. He'd used that poor woman, taken his own pleasure from her, such that it was. He'd been a bloody jackass to pay so little attention to what Juliette might want or need. Nick didn't quite care if she thought he was a rotten lover. But she did deserve better than what he wanted to give her.

It surprised him, then, when she'd come to his place that next night. The sex was slightly better this time. Nick had forced himself to take a bit more care and attention with her. It must have worked because he didn't feel as awful afterward. And she'd stayed in bed with him. She'd smiled and asked him about his work and his life. It was all very strange for him, which she sensed. Juliette thought it was because no one had ever wanted to ask about him before. Nick couldn't very well tell her that Jen had never asked because she hadn't needed to. Jen knew him. And Juliette somehow found it charming that he didn't want to talk to her, thought him some kind of puzzle she could solve.

Thankfully, her mobile rang and she climbed out of bed to put on his shirt and answer it. Nick stared at the ceiling while she was out of the room. If he concentrated really hard, he could just quite convince himself that Jen had gone to fetch herself something to sleep in, since she rarely liked to sleep naked. But Jen wasn't the one in the other room, Juliette was. He got up and put on some trousers to go find her.

She left in a bit of a rush, claiming it was work. Nick didn't think she was telling the truth but he didn't care enough to press her. As soon as she kissed him quickly and hurried out the door to drive away, Nick felt infinitely calmer.

It was torture, being forced to be unhappy with a woman who didn't deserve his ire. But he had to move on somehow. Eventually, he wouldn't have to work so hard to trick himself into finding it fun to explore a new relationship. Surely at some point he wouldn't hate it.


	28. Chapter 28

"So Nick, you gonna introduce us?"

Bloody Rhys! Jen could kill him. She would have been so happy to completely ignore Nick and that woman he was with.

"Juliette Gardiner from the Tribune. This is Rhys, Allie, and Jennifer," Nick said.

Jen caught the slight pause before he said her name. Good. He should feel awkward. "Hi," she said politely. She smiled and could feel how insincere she looked. But she just had to keep smiling.

She walked away as quickly as was acceptable. She couldn't stomach it, seeing Nick with another woman. A young woman. With perfect pale skin and shiny dark hair and with probably all the wonderful warmth and openness that Jennifer knew she lacked. And Nick had found it barely two weeks after they'd broken up. Well, after she'd broken up with him. Jen couldn't allow herself to forget that it was all her fault, that he was single and dating this beautiful young woman because Jen had tossed him out in the cold. If she had allowed it, Nick never would have left her. Or maybe he would have. She'd been so sure at the time. And now…now she was blinded by irrational, seething jealousy. She watched as Nick led Juliette into the break room and felt the sudden urge to slam her own head into her desk.

Thank god they were at work and she had something else she could focus on. Dead swingers. Charming. Rhys and Allie's constant awkward bickering was sufficiently distracting for Jen. She had no interest at all in whatever relationship they had going on, whatever hang ups or lack thereof they had between them. But at least no one else was looking at Nick and Jen anymore when Nick had a pretty journo in the office and Rhys and Allie were having some weird lovers' tiff. Jen could fade into the background and just work. Just like she liked.

Nick, on the other hand, couldn't seem to be ignored for the life of him. He was bombarded from every side, it seemed. Juliette was starting to grow on him. He got used to her. She was sweet. Simple, in a lot of ways. His heart didn't ache and his mind didn't race whenever she was near. It was a nice change, to have his personal life separate from his work life, to compartmentalize those two parts of himself.

But then they started bleeding together. What had started out as just the interview with Juliette that led to a burgeoning relationship between them was growing beyond that. Juliette had this source, telling her Majors was innocent, that the murder weapon was planted, that Nick had falsified evidence. And it was all bollocks. Wasn't it? It had to be. Nick knew he didn't do anything wrong. He found that golf club honestly. Bruce Dalton was a standup guy, wouldn't have led Nick astray. Would he? It was all getting muddled in his head.

Desperate for some clarity, Nick turned to the only person he knew would understand what was going on. The only person who would understand him. She might not have been his girlfriend, but she was still his best friend. And she was the only one he wanted to turn to when things got rough. It felt like things were starting to get rough now.

He found Jen in the briefing room, staring at the board with all their leads and suspects.

She sighed, sitting down on the table as he came in to join her. "What do you reckon?" she asked good-naturedly.

But this wasn't the case he wanted to talk about. "Jen," he began, trying to find the words. "You ever been on a case where something just niggles at you? Like something's just…not quite right? The evidence is overwhelming. The suspect you've got is a prick, everything, _everything_ points to him…"

"Except the niggle," she interjected, finishing his sentence.

Nick nearly smiled to himself. Yes, of course Jen understood. "Yeah. That one tiny niggle." He made the mistake of looking at her. Seeing her delicately furrowed brow, her full lips in a frown, her turquoise eyes filled with concern. He had to turn away if he was going to be able to keep talking to her. "Bruce and I put someone away, and maybe there was a reason for that niggle, but I ignored it. And now Juliette Gardiner is pretty convinced that she's got something…"

Jen visibly shifted at the very mention of Juliette, for which Nick was infinitely sorry. But all of this mess was so tied to her that he couldn't avoid it. This wasn't what he wanted. This was messy and rough and totally unfair to Jen. She was listening calmly and thoughtfully and kindly, and the last thing he wanted was to rub Juliette in her face. But to Jen's eternal credit, she didn't comment on that. "And now it's back again," she said knowingly, referring to Nick's worries about the case.

"The niggle," he said with a small scoff. "Yeah."

"What's she saying?" Jen asked. She seemed to be ignoring the way he was looking at her. He never could seem to keep the love in his eyes hidden from view, and he was sure she could see it.

Best not get caught up in that. "Someone's feeding her information, someone who thinks that the evidence was planted." Nick closed his eyes and blew a breath out slowly, saying the thing that had been weighing on his mind since all this mess started. "Did I help put an innocent man in jail?"

"How?"

"I was the one that found the bloody thing," he replied harshly.

Jen didn't rise to the bait of his tone. "Well, you have to talk to her," she told him wisely, softly. "Find out what she knows. Otherwise you can never put it behind you."

Nick was quiet for a moment. "Thanks, Jen."

She just nodded. "Sure."

It took everything in him to stay still when she put a comforting hand on his shoulder before walking out of the room. It took everything in him not to grab her hand and pull her into his arms.

Jen had to leave that room as soon as humanly possible. She needed to be able to support him, help him through whatever he needed. It was the least she could do after what she did to him. And it was the least she could do for herself, to keep him with her, to selfishly hoard every part of him she could possibly grab onto, despite having absolutely no proper claim over him anymore. And that was the part she needed to remember.

Later that day, Nick took Jen's advice. He tried to talk to Juliette. And she tried to record him for her bloody newspaper. And as he tried to keep from yelling at her, he finally saw that this woman wasn't new or refreshing or good in any way. She was a journo, first and foremost, clearly. And her lack of understanding of his work, of him, of the situation…he didn't know if it was because of her job or her age or what, but he did know that he wanted nothing to do with her. Like Jen said, he needed to know Juliette's information so he could put it behind him. But he needed to put Juliette behind him, too.

He felt bad, later, for practically throwing her out of his car when he dumped her. He would apologize after he cooled off, make sure there weren't any hard feelings. Last thing he needed was a journo who was was writing about Dane Majors having a grudge against him or the police department.

As he followed her to a lonely car park, Nick couldn't help but pray this would all be over soon. He wanted to tell Jen what he found out, if he found out anything at all. And he wanted to tell her he ended it with Juliette. It might not change anything, but he wanted to tell her just the same. Nick wanted to drive straight to her house, but it would probably be best for them both if he did it over the phone. He'd call her, though. Wouldn't text her. That didn't work too well for them last time. He just needed to hear her voice, needed her to reassure him that everything would turn out alright.

Nick's reverie was interrupted by a gunshot, followed by four more in quick succession. Juliette crumpled to the ground.


	29. Chapter 29

When Jen arrived at the crime scene, she made a beeline to Nick. He seemed calm, and she couldn't tell if that was good or not. His…girlfriend…was dead at his feet. "You okay?" she asked gently, placing a hand on his arm.

He scoffed slightly. "Been better. Here." Nick held out his gun to her. "Evidence bag. It hasn't been fired. Swab my hands for residue."

As Nick explained to Matt what all had happened, how he may be implicated for corruption in the Dane Majors case based on the story Juliette was looking into, Jen stood by closely. She wouldn't let Nick more than three feet from her. She couldn't. He was a witness to a homicide, and she couldn't bear to treat him like any other witness. This was Nick. And she needed to be with him.

Thankfully, Nick allowed Jen to hover beside him, keeping away of all the investigations until Jarvis came and barked at her to take him to the station. It was there that she was forced to leave him.

Jen sat and watched the interview with Waverly sitting beside her. Matt and Jarvis were both more restrained than she'd ever seen them. Though she could tell Jarvis was barely holding it together. He was bubbling with rage over the whole mess as he asked Nick to explain everything. Jennifer braced herself for every single one of his answers, most of which she knew or suspected. But to see him there explaining to their superior officers…her heart was breaking in her chest for the millionth time that week, it seemed.

Nick was seated in his usual manner, leaning back in a chair with his arms folded and his legs spread wide. If she hadn't been so horrified by the entire situation, she might have smiled to see him be so himself through the mess. He explained the whole thing with Juliette, that they had a sexual relationship, a fling that he broke off. He admitted to unauthorized surveillance as he tried to find her source. And then he admitted in interview what he had barely found the words to ask Jen just the day before: he wasn't sure if the Dane Majors case was tainted.

The bile rose in Jen's throat. Nick Buchanan was a brilliant detective due to his quiet compassion and strong confidence and the constant power he exuded in every situation. And to see him on that screen in interview, all but shriveled with shame and doubt and grief was almost more than she could bear. She turned away from his image to ask Waverly what would happen to him.

"He'll be suspended," Waverly replied curtly.

Jen knew that was for the best. He couldn't be a part of this investigation, he was too closely involved. But the idea that she wouldn't be able to work with him right there next to her when she'd already sacrificed being able to go home to him at the end of the day was positively shattering her. She'd made that sacrifice so they could continue going on working together. That was the part of Nick she was supposed to be able to keep. And now it was all slipping away.

After the interview, Jen took Nick home and invited herself inside. He had been so quiet in the car. She could feel the stress radiating off him, the way he clearly needed to talk about it but couldn't seem to find the words. She took him inside and grabbed a beer for each of them from the fridge. They sat in the living room, her in the armchair, him on the coffee table in front of her. They drank quietly. Jen watched him carefully, trying to gauge his mood, trying to find a way through to him. It was only then that she allowed herself to notice the way his shirt was unbuttoned and his sleeves were rolled up and oh Christ he looked gorgeous, distraught or not. Perhaps she could comfort him, stand up and hold him in her arms, stroke his hair and…

"About me and Juliette..." he began, interrupting her little fantasy

"No, no, we don't need to talk about that, Nick. Other than from a professional angle. I know you feel guilty about what happened to her. But take some advice. Do not go rogue on this one. Just...you just sit it out." Jen hoped he wouldn't be able to tell she was practically begging him, begging him to stay out of it, stay safe, stay with her.

"Yeah, well, I've done enough stupid things already. I'll behave." He stood up and crossed behind the sofa. "But I have got copies of all the Dane Majors material. Case notes. Trial transcripts. Can't see any harm in going through them. Can you?"

She smirked. "How'd you get those?"

"Illegally," he admitted.

Jen just chuckled knowingly.

Nick resumed the serious discussion. "If this murder was about the story Juliette thought she had, then the story is the key and that has to be about the evidence that turned up during the trial, in which case it focuses on me and Bruce Dalton."

"And you know you acted in good faith," Jen reminded him.

He exhaled in frustration. "I just can't believe Bruce would be bent. He was...Stanley Wolfe to me. A mentor. Straight shooter. For him to plant evidence, let alone murder Juliette..."

She warned him off that train of thought, refocused him. "Okay maybe it's a good thing for you to go over the paperwork, illegally obtained or not. I guess you just have to keep going after the truth, even if it turns out to be something you don't wanna know."

He sighed. "Guess so."

Jen allowed the moment to linger, to allow him to digest her words, to allow herself just a minute more with him. But her better judgment caught up with her. "I've gotta go." She stood up and walked over to the kitchen table where her jacket was resting beside where he sat.

Nick leaned in as she paused, sensing his presence as always. She took a single shaky breath and turned away, not daring to look at him. "Jen," he whispered, causing her to pause again. "Goodnight."

"See ya." She gave his arm a gentle squeeze and left quickly.

Nick stood up and flopped down on the sofa as soon as she was gone. That was too close. They were too familiar together. It was dangerous. At least for now. He couldn't get caught up in her kindness, her friendly, affectionate concern. She was being a mate, and that's what he needed. He had to allow her to offer that comfort and not look to her for anything else. Juliette had just died in front of him a few hours before. He'd broken up with the woman a few hours before that. He'd had sex with her only the day before.

No matter how close he and Jen were getting, he couldn't let it go further, even if she seemed willing. He couldn't use her for his own comfort. He loved her too much. It would hurt them both, and he couldn't bear to cause either of them any more pain.


	30. Chapter 30

Nick woke up on the floor. On the floor with his ears ringing and his head aching and his face in a wet pool of something. With a groan, he hauled himself up and saw a small puddle of blood and saliva on his floor. He stumbled over to the mirror and saw his lip was split open.

Bruce Dalton. The man who had taught Nick all he knew about being a Homicide detective, or so Nick believed, had knocked him out. Fucking bastard. He admitted to planting evidence for Nick to find to pin on Dane Majors. He didn't deny shooting Juliette. And then he punched Nick in the mouth to escape.

As soon as the dizziness stopped, Nick pulled out his mobile to ring Matt and explain what had happened. He was able to clean up the floor and put some ice on his face.

The next thing he knew, he was in Waverly's office with Wolfie and Matty being shouted at. After that dressing down, Nick was told in no uncertain terms to go home and stay there. No more investigating on his own. No more trips to the morgue, no more requesting paperwork—legally or otherwise—and no more pulling Detective Mapplethorpe away from her official duties to assist him.

Matt and Duncan were called to the scene when Dalton was found. A uniformed officer took Nick home, much to his frustration. Jen arrived later after Dalton blew his brains out. She nearly pulled out her phone to call Nick and tell him right away, but she knew she couldn't do that. For one thing, she had a job to do and couldn't shirk it, and for another, even if the man had busted Nick's face, he wouldn't want to hear about this over the phone; she'd go see him later. As it was, she felt distinctly uncomfortable at a crime scene when he was at home. He was usually right beside her as they talked to the pathologist and did a canvas of the surrounding area. This case especially. He should have been there. With her.

The body was taken away, and Matt and Duncan went to the morgue with it. Jen stayed behind with crime scene techs, looking for more evidence in the car. Almost as soon as the cars drove away, they found a sheet of paper, partially drenched in Dalton's blood, on the car seat. He'd been sitting on it. She barked at a uniform to get it into an evidence bag. Her heart was in her throat as she read Dalton's suicide note. His confession.

Jen took the letter with her and raced off. She was halfway to Nick's house when she remembered she was a bloody professional. She was a detective and not just a woman trying to exonerate the man she loved. At this point, who was she fooling? She hadn't really felt like herself since before they'd gone back undercover with SIS. And that was because things hadn't been normal with Nick since then. She needed to be with him. She needed to have him working beside her. She needed to fall asleep in his arms. She needed to piece together her broken heart with a man who'd held another woman in his arms as they had sex and as she died. It was nothing short of cruel, throwing Nick's love back in his face and running him off to find someone else and then having it all end so disgustingly badly for him.

She turned her car around and met Matt and Duncan in the morgue to show them. And as soon as everything was properly logged and she could make a copy and knock off without anyone being too much the wiser, she went right to Nick.

An anxious knot formed in the pit of her stomach as she rang the bell. It was a bit odd; any time she'd entered this house without him by her side, which had been rare, she would use the spare key he kept hidden. But that wouldn't be appropriate now. She was only a visitor here now. How long ago was it that she'd had her arm in a sling after she'd been shot and asked him to take her home? How had it only been a month since she'd said 'home' and meant this house? And why was it that 'home' still meant Nick, no matter where either of them ever was?

"Jen," he greeted, moving aside to let her in.

Her breath caught in her throat when she saw him, only nodding in acknowledgment of him. This was the second time in two days she'd seen him wearing a casual sweater instead of his usual button-down shirt and tie. He looked so soft, like he did on their weekends off when they'd spent happy Saturday afternoons together in this house.

"Dalton?" he asked, getting right to business.

"Duncan and Matty got to him. He was sitting in his car. They didn't get closer than four feet away before he took out his gun," Jen told him gently.

"Christ," he breathed, leaning onto the dining room table on his elbows. "He did it, didn't he?"

"Under his chin. I'm so sorry, Nick. I know what he meant to you." She put her hand on his bicep, giving a soft squeeze.

He lifted his head to look at her. "Did he say anything?"

Jen put her purse on the table beside him and pulled out the copy of Dalton's suicide note. She read it out loud to him.

" _We_ should have never planted that evidence?" He stopped her exactly where she knew he would.

Jen just stood by and listened as he ranted on about how he'd be implicated. No protest from her about the fact that Nick wasn't mentioned in Dalton's letter would dissuade him. Nick knew this was going to come back to him.

"I knew that evidence was planted," he admitted. She stared at him, seeing tears glistening in his eyes as he forced the words from his mouth. "Deep down, I knew."

It killed her to hear him say it, and it killed her to see him so distraught. She wanted to tell him he was a good cop, a good man, the man she loved. But she couldn't seem to find her voice for all of that. She weakly told him that any of them would have had faith in their superior like Nick had in Dalton, that it wasn't his fault.

Nick just shook his head. "I have to resign."

"What?! No, Nick, this will all blow over."

But Jen could see a switch flick inside Nick. His eyes lit up. He crossed the room to her and took her face in his hands. "No, Jen, don't you see? If I resign, we can be together. You don't need to worry anymore. I can find a job somewhere else. There are a million things I could do. And you stay on Homicide, and we can come home to each other every night and have the life we deserve. This is our chance, Jen, for me to start over. With you. Us. Please, Jen. Please," he begged.

She didn't know what to say. He was wrong, they couldn't do that, he couldn't admit defeat. But he was so near. His hands caressing her cheeks. She couldn't seem to articulate it properly. "No, Nick. It isn't...we can't..."

Her weak protests were cut off by his kiss. And she gave up. For that moment, she gave up. She let go of all her fears and worries and better instincts. She let go of all the hurt and anxiety and painful certainty of the unhappy ending of it all. Because just for right now, she had everything she wanted and needed right here. She threw her arms around him and pulled him close.

Nick's hands moved to unbutton her blouse as he kissed her, pulling it out of her trousers so he could feel her skin, hot and soft and perfect. How he had missed this. Missed her. Nothing mattered now, not now that he had her back.

"Please, Jen," he begged incoherently.

"Yes," she moaned, unsure what exactly she was saying yes to. She didn't care.

She started to unbuckle his trousers, pausing only when his lips and tongue on her neck caused her to lose all sense of reality.

Despite the lovely lighting fixtures Nick had installed in what would eventually be the dining room, everything was dim and covered in shadow. The pair found their way down to the plush rug, both naked before they even realized it.

Jen was writhing with her need for him, moaning and gasping at his every touch. Nick had wanted to take his time with her, their first time back together. But he couldn't seem to control himself. His mouth covered her breast as his hand moved between her legs, stroking her, thrusting into her, making her scream in ecstasy. His tongue washed over her hard nipples, and his fingers curled inside her when her muscles clenched around him. And he couldn't wait anymore. He considered how he wanted to take her—from behind to have the leverage to pound into her or flipping them over to watch her ride him—but he finally decided he wanted to see her and be in total control of what he would do with her. He poised himself above her. He needed to look into her eyes and see forever in her gaze. But as he eased himself into her, her eyes snapped closed in pleasure, and his focus shifted. The soft gasp she emitted was drowned out by his loud, needy groan.

He kissed her messily as he set a frenzied pace. Jen's fingernails dug into his scalp and scratched his back. He almost hoped he was bleeding so he could have this memory of her scarring his body as long as possible. He never wanted to let her go again. This was the beginning of their forever, he was certain.

And when she moaned his name and let her climax overtake her, Nick finished right as she did. He collapsed on her, breathing heavily. With his last bit of strength, he held her tight in his arms and rolled them over so she could lie on top of him, her lithe body surrounded by the immense strength of him.

They remained that way for a long time, lying on the floor of his dining room, naked and sweaty. No other sound but their panting could be heard through the house.

Nick held her much tighter than he normally did after they made love. He couldn't help it. He couldn't let her go. His rapid heartbeat chanted _mine, mine, mine_. Even when he whispered that he loved her and felt her stiffen in response, he ignored everything except that vow of his beating heart. _Mine, mine, mine_.

Jen could use her exhaustion as an escape for a moment. She'd been so sure she loved him. She was still sure. The way they fell together like this, desperate and needy and utterly mad, was only more evidence of how right they were together, how much she wanted him like this and every other way. But if it was so right to be in his arms, why couldn't she say the words?

She was rescued by the ringing of her mobile. Jen untangled herself from Nick's embrace to answer it. "Matty, hi." Her voice was hoarse from her exertion. As Matt spoke into her ear, Nick got up off the floor and began collecting their clothes. Both of them were still unabashedly naked, though neither of them had been shy before. And if Matt weren't talking about the parents of Nick's dead girlfriend, she might have had a better opportunity to appreciate the view of his perfectly sculpted form, the hard muscles of his thighs and ass and back and abs and chest and arms. Instead, Jen was overcome with a wave of nausea, remembering that he'd been here with Juliette Gardiner just days before. It might have just been a fling after they'd broken up, she might still be confident in Nick's love for her, but it didn't erase the knowledge that he'd brought another woman into their house. Into their bed.

Jen hung up the call and thanked Nick for her clothes as she got dressed again. "Everything alright?" he asked.

"Matt needs me to meet Juliette's parents at the morgue. They're going to collect her body," she replied, her tone much colder than it should have been. But in that moment, she barely had the strength for anything else.

If Nick noticed her mood, he didn't acknowledge it. He just nodded. "I'll come with you."

"I think I should go home afterward," she said delicately.

"I'll drive myself," he responded. "I've got to go to the station after."

She frowned, tucking her blouse into her trousers. "Why?"

"Gotta hand in my resignation."

Jen had forgotten that's what he'd decided. Was that what he'd decided? Was that what happened? She couldn't quite recall, it had all been such a whirlwind. And just with everything else that day with Nick, Jen couldn't seem to find the words she needed to tell him.

It took another few hours before Jen got back to her own little house and into her own bed, all by herself. It was all a blur, going to Nick's house, falling together on the floor, going to the morgue and comforting Juliette's parents as Nick looked on. He'd disappeared to go hand in his resignation, and again, Jen had said nothing.

The guilt washed over her with full force now. She'd been so selfish. She'd let him believe that the only reason she'd broken up with him had been because of the job. At the time, it had seemed kinder. Now, it just seemed unspeakably cruel. But how could she tell him that she loved him and wanted him and needed him in every conceivable way, but she knew she didn't deserve him, that one day he'd realize she wasn't worth all he gave her, and she'd be left with nothing? He would have tried to convince her otherwise. And now, instead of telling him truth, that she couldn't bear to have her heart broken by him again, she'd let him think that resigning would solve their problems. She'd just silently allowed him to make love to her and throw away his career.

She rolled over and closed her eyes, trying to get some sleep. Tomorrow. Tomorrow she would make sure he understood. Tomorrow she'd make him see that if Nick Buchanan wasn't Detective Nick Buchanan, he wasn't really Nick at all. She was still being selfish, but this time for good reason. She wanted all of him. Detective and lover. Partner in all senses. She'd seen that just working together wasn't enough. And she knew more than anything that being home together when she was on Homicide and he wasn't would only breed resentment between them. It was all or nothing. And maybe, if she could find the right words and be strong enough to say them all to him, she could find a way to have it all.


	31. Chapter 31

'Tomorrow' was nothing like Jen had planned. Dane Majors was released first thing in the morning and the squad was tasked with finding the real culprit responsible for Tahnee Majors' death.

Jen presented the evidence from the original case. She had to swallow down the lump in her throat to see Nick's face on the board and having to watch him in the original interview with Dane Majors on the night he'd been arrested. As she watched him ask questions and command the room, just as he always had, she was struck by how brilliant a detective he was. Even ten years earlier, brand new to Homicide. He was incredible. She'd learned quite a lot working with him over the last few years. She'd learned quite a lot working with him every day since the moment they met undercover with SIS. This was who he was. Detective Nick Buchanan. And this was who she fell in love with all those years ago and every single wonderful and horrible day after.

Never in her life had Jennifer Mapplethorpe had a harder case to work than this one. Not Endicott, chasing a man for years when he'd murdered his wife and daughter and hid their bodies in the woods. Not the serial arsonist who murdered children of women who left them to have an affair, her first case on Homicide. And not even Pierce, who created an elaborate laughing clown to torture Bernice Waverly and kill her son.

No, Jen had never had more trouble than here and now, listening to Dane Majors and Narelle O'Brien say that Nick Buchanan had framed Dane. Jen nearly reached across the table in interview and smacked that snug expression off Narelle's face.

As it was, she couldn't stay away from him. She'd been ordered not to pass him evidence or help his investigations in any way, but there wasn't a power in the universe that could keep her away from Nick on this. She needed him to work with her. She couldn't think straight without his calm voice of reason beside her. And no living person knew the Majors case better than Nick.

What she hadn't expected was to find him still blaming himself, resigning himself to his resignation from the force. It made her absolutely mad to see him so calm with his self-flagellation. And so she cracked, pushing it all back at him, telling him he should have known the evidence was bad, should have said something about Dalton, should have been better.

"What do you want me to say, Jen?" he asked in desperation.

"I want you to say it wasn't your fault! I want you to tell everyone that you didn't know that golf club had been planted. I want you to stop sitting around her beating up on yourself," she shouted. But she calmed and sighed regretfully. "I want you to withdraw your resignation."

Once again, Jen had shattered his heart. She could see it in his face. She knew what she was saying, telling him not to resign. She knew she was closing the door of their future in his face. But right now, that was what she had to do.

She crossed to the other side of the counter, needing to be close to him so she could be sure he would hear the words she needed to say. "You're a good cop, Nick. One of the best." Jen reached up and put her hand on the back of his neck, angling his face to make eye contact with her. "And you fought for a lot of people on the job. And now you gotta stand up for yourself," she told him gently. Jen gave him a little shake and realized how blood close they were, how easy it would be to fall together again on the kitchen floor instead of the dining room.

Jen couldn't let that happen. Not like that. Not again. This was about what was best for Nick, and what was best for Nick was to be a cop and to know that he was the most wonderful man in the world, worth so much more than he believed right now. She wouldn't let him give all that up just for her, no matter how much she loved him. Couldn't he see that it was because she loved him so desperately that she was fighting for him? Couldn't he see that she had to run away before she ruined everything for the both of them?

The next day, Jen went back to his house. It was for the case, after all. Nick needed to know that the Attorney General was now implicated in planting the golf club with Dalton. But when she arrived, Nick had a different subject matter in mind.

"You left rather quickly yesterday."

She frowned. "Nick…"

"I'd hoped we could talk about the other night."

"That was a…"

"Jennifer, don't you dare call it a mistake. The timing might have been bad and things are a bit messy right now, but you and me, nothing about that is a mistake," he insisted.

Privately, she had to agree with him. "Things are more than 'a bit' messy, Nick. And that's why we've got to focus on the case and everything with us can just…"

Their eyes met, and he knew her meaning in an instant. He nodded. "Alright, what have you got for me?"

They proceeded to discuss the latest developments with Lombardi, and Nick showed her his own little evidence board as he tried to spend his excessive free time working the case. She smiled, glad to see him get a bit of his own back. And as they talked, her mind began to sharpen and notice the missing bits that needed filling in.

Interviewing Graham Procter about the car bomb meant for Alan Sullivan led them back to the Majors house. Jen drew the short straw in getting to oversee the search. She traded pointed barbs and snarky looks with Dane and Narelle. And her mind drifted back to Nick. Don't get caught up in the distractions. What's missing? He used to say that to her when they'd discuss their cases at home. What haven't you noticed, Jen? What are we missing.

Just hearing his voice in her head caused her to pause and look again, look at the house anew. And then she saw it. She noticed what they'd been missing before.

Jarvis called her Miss Marple-thorpe when she presented her theory, and she couldn't help but be thoroughly proud of herself. She'd have to remember to tell Nick later. But everyone was on board. Tahnee fell down the stairs and died that way. Beating her with the golf club had been a ploy to frame Majors from the start. And who would want to frame Majors? Only two suspects they knew.

Jen called Nick as soon as Callum O'Brien was brought in. "Nick, I think we've got it. You better come down here."

When she brought him into the viewing room, Jarvis put up the most perfunctory of fights about it but allowed Nick to stay nonetheless. Jen had a feeling, based on the way Terry Jarvis had been going to bat for Nick during their briefings, that he had a bit of a soft spot for the veteran Homicide detective. Jen couldn't blame him.

Callum wasn't their killer, so they brought Graham Procter back in. Jen could feel Nick tense up beside her as Graham confessed. Tahnee had fallen down the stairs; it was an accident. But the rage Graham felt for what had become of his daughter at the hands of Dane Majors had caused him to do unspeakable things.

"His own daughter," Nick murmured in disbelief.

Jen glanced up at him and knew what he was feeling. Nick had a soft spot for grieving fathers. She knew all too well why. The idea of a man harming his own child, failing to protect her, watching her die and knowing he'd had a part in it. Nick couldn't wrap his head around the depth of that feeling. He'd lost so much when Jen had miscarried, and they both carried that pain with them still.

Jen sent Nick home after Graham was properly arrested after his confession. They needed time apart to deal with all this, and Jen knew that she couldn't be around as Nick came to terms with finally knowing the truth about Tahnee Majors' demise. For her part, Jen had trouble sleeping that night, worrying about how Nick was coping, not daring to check on him in the darkness, knowing it would end in more bad decisions from the both of them.

Nick called her first thing the next morning, asking if she'd come by after work. All day, as she slogged through paperwork, Jen's thoughts drifted to Nick. Was he alright? Would he come to his senses? What were they to do, now that this case had been taken care of? How did they move forward from here?

When she arrived at his house, she found him deliciously casual and strangely calm. He was painting the beams in the dining room as she looked on, trying not to get distracted by the way that tshirt draped over his muscles and the way he looked in those jeans.

He went on and on about how it was time for him to do something new, how he couldn't be a cop anymore after this case and being so spectacularly wrong. Jen could have screamed at him. She wanted to throttle him and make him understand that she needed him on Homicide, needed to have him doing what he was meant to do, needed to have him beside her while she did what she was meant to do. If only they could go back to the way things were, before SIS returned to ruin their lives and their whole world carried more scrutiny and danger and hideous risk than before.

Finally, exasperated by his attitude, Jen offered, "If you still feel the same way in a month, then I'll let you quit. Deal?"

Nick regarded her carefully, a small smile playing on his busted lip. "Deal."

In an impulsive moment, Jen walked up to him and kissed his cheek, she longed to do so much more, but she didn't trust herself to resist. Just as she'd done the other day, she quickly escaped from her house.

Nick sighed happily to himself after she left. He could see that look in her eyes. He knew she needed to escape because she wanted him and didn't trust herself to stay. Perhaps, he hoped to himself, if he was patient like last time, if he bided his time and kept in contact with her after he'd left the force, she'd let him get close to him again. They could build the life together they'd always wanted. After all, he'd solved their problem by resigning. And this case was over. It was only a matter of time that Jen realized all of this, too, and saw that they could finally be together and steal a bit of happiness for themselves.

He was still thinking about her as he went outside to move his rubbish bins. **Thanks for everything, Jen.** He smiled at the phone as the message got sent. For the first time in weeks, Nick felt hopeful.

A pair of headlights came right at him, and before Nick realized what was going on, a car ran straight into him. He felt pain for a fraction of a second, but then everything went black.


	32. Chapter 32

**Thanks for everything, Jen.**

Jen looked at the text message from Nick and smiled. All she wanted to do in that moment was run back into his arms and never leave. But now was not the time for that. If they were going to try to make things work, try to find their way back to each other, they needed to really work on what had been wrong to begin with. And the first step to that was being honest with him. Jennifer knew she wasn't quite ready for that yet. With everything over the last weeks with this case and with Nick being suspended, her world had been turned upside down. When things settled, she would tell him. She would confess the dark sins of her heart and lay herself bare for him and pray he'd still love her.

She texted back to him, **I'll always be here for you. We'll see each other when you come back to work. I think we should keep apart till then. On your first day back, let's get a drink. We have a lot to talk about.**

Nick didn't respond right away, but Jen wasn't disappointed. He surely agreed to her plan. No contact for three days. She could manage three days.

But those three days passed, and Nick was due back in Homicide. But he was nowhere to be seen. Trying not to let her imagination run away with her, Jen went to Wolfie's after their morning briefing, asking permission to check up on him. And Wolfe, bless him, agreed.

She raced to Nick's house, becoming increasingly nervous as she called his phone time and time again, only to have it go to voicemail. His car was in front of the house. There weren't any lights on inside. The porch was littered with three days of newspapers.

Feeling her heart pound dangerously in her chest, Jen found the spare key she always used and went inside the house. It was terrifyingly quiet. She called out his name, feeling her voice crack with emotion. No answer. Not a sound.

Frantically, she tried his mobile again. Straight to voicemail. Jen wandered the house slowly in a daze. Nick's Majors case board was still up in the kitchen, just as it had been when she was over three days earlier. He hadn't taken in down. In three days. She stared at all of his notes and theories written in his neat writing connecting the dots of the case he'd missed ten years before. She couldn't help but think about how horribly resigned to it all he was when they last spoke. It was so…final. He wanted to leave the force and forge on ahead, and she knew he wanted her with him. But why hadn't he taken the board down, why hadn't he tried to put that behind him?

Unless he couldn't. For one reason or another. It was clear he hadn't been home to at least collect the newspapers for a few days. Where had he gone? What had he done?

A mad idea flew into her mind. A dark, horrifying idea. She ran upstairs to the bedroom and opened the safe in the back of the closet.

His gun was gone.

A strangled sob escaped her lips. He left and took his gun and the last thing he'd said to her was a text message saying, "Thanks for everything, Jen." At the time, she assumed it was a thank you for her counsel and understanding, but could it be more?

Jen crouched down on the floor to put her head between her knees to keep breathing. She needed to focus. She needed to figure out what was going on. In a manic whirl, she checked every single bit of the bedroom and bathroom, collecting anything that belonged to her, what little there was she'd left behind. She may have been disturbing the scene, but this house was going to be searched as soon as she could get Wolfie to order it. There was nothing that her former presence in this house would do to help any of them.

As she hurried out of the bedroom, she spared a glance at the bed and shivered. The last woman to be in that bed with Nick wasn't her, and, even at a time like this, that still rankled. But she pushed the thought out of her mind. She had more important things to do.

Stanley Wolfe's office was empty when she arrived. She waited patiently, staring blankly out the window to Nick's empty desk next to hers, willing herself to remain breathing, to stay calm.

At last, Wolfe came in. Jen quickly explained what she'd found—and what she hadn't. Nick and his gun were both missing, probably for days.

Allie interrupted. Male gunshot victim found in the park. Jen's blood ran cold. Without another word, she followed Allie straight to the morgue.

Jen saw the victim's face and saw an elderly man. Not Nick, thank god. But then they found the man's name and the plot thickened. Another victim connected to Dane Majors and the trial. First the body of the barrister found early in the morning. Then the judge shows up in the morgue. It was all starting to become clear now. Dane, or someone else, was going through the list of people who wronged him. Bruce Dalton was already gone. Nick was next on the list, assuming Dane hadn't gotten to him yet.

Jen raced back to police headquarters to beg and plead with Wolfe. He gave in without much capitulating, sending Duncan with Jennifer to search Nick's house with some uniforms. Jen saw the look Wolfie gave Duncan, wordlessly telling him to keep an eye on her. But she couldn't care less at the moment. She just needed to do something, anything, to find Nick.

If anyone found it odd that Jennifer arrived at Nick's home and began directing people to various parts of the house, no one said anything. Dunny just let her get on with it. When she finally took a breath, he came to stand beside her in the kitchen beside the make-shift Majors case board.

"You spent a lot of time here with him on this, didn't you?"

Jen just nodded.

"You're close."

She nodded again. "After SIS, the first time, we stayed friendly. But then he got put on a task force and I made my way to Homicide, and we completely lost touch. And you've known us since then," she explained vaguely. None of that was a lie, but it certainly wasn't the whole truth.

"He's a good guy. Good cop. We'll find him, Jen," Duncan promised. He looked over to see Jen standing stoically beside him. "I'll go help the search upstairs. You want to come?"

She followed him numbly. There were officers in all corners of the house, investigating for any possible bit of evidence of what fate had befallen Nick.

"What's in here?"

Jen turned to see Duncan's hand on the doorknob of the locked room. "Oh no, Dunny, please don't," she said in panic. How could she have forgotten? Had she really gotten so good at avoiding that room's existence that she didn't even notice it anymore?

"Why's it locked?" he asked suspiciously.

"He doesn't like anyone in there," she replied weakly.

Duncan frowned. "Jen, it could be important, right?"

She didn't move. She didn't dare breathe as Duncan forced the door with relative ease, breaking the lock. Part of her wanted to race down the stairs and not face what might have been inside that room, behind the locked door that kept their pain hidden away. But morbid curiosity and utter terror forced her to stay rooted to the spot.

Dunny opened the door to reveal an empty room. But the walls were all painted pale mint green and there was a white border and details along the baseboard and around the windows. White sheer curtains fluttered in the change of wind from the open door. Upon the hardwood floor was a large, fluffy white rug.

Jen covered her mouth as she tried not to cry. Nick hadn't put any furniture in, but their baby's nursery was going to be green and white. It was so perfect. It was exactly what she would have wanted.

Without a word, she turned and dashed back down the stairs, busying herself with the Majors evidence board, burying herself in his notes and collecting everything together.

Duncan followed her a minute later, watched her for a moment, and went outside to oversee the exterior search. It didn't take too long for Jen to join him. She'd calmed herself down enough to speak without bursting into tears, though she knew she was still on the brink.

"Why the line search?" she asked, observing the uniforms on the street.

"Neighbor heard something a few nights ago, thought something knocked his bins over. Came outside and saw a car driving away, no bins out of place."

Her heart was in her throat as one of the uniforms called them over. Blood. It was all Jen could do to keep from sobbing. A bit of a broken mobile. And then she noticed a glint nearby. "That's Nick's watch." She knew instantly upon seeing it. She had given him that watch. The only real gift she'd ever bought for him. That wasn't something they normally did. But Jen bought Nick a watch for his birthday the first time they were together, when she was pregnant. He had promised to get it engraved with their child's name after the birth. It was a very long time before she saw him wear that watch again. But he'd started putting it on just before they went back with SIS. He never said anything about it, but Jen knew it was his way of proving to her that they could move past everything, that they could be together and not lament what came before. As with most things, however, that was easier said than done.

The hours passed without Jennifer's notice. She called every single hospital and medical center within a thirty-mile radius. She went hoarse from begging people to pass around the picture of Nick she'd sent every single one of them. Eventually, however, Matty sent her home. She'd been working for forty-eight hours and at that point was required to leave.

So she went home. Home to the house Nick was building for them. Home to the pale green room he'd kept locked for almost five years. Home to the house that was only an empty shell if he wasn't there.

She stayed on the sofa, unable to face the prospect of going into the bedroom and trying to be in that bed without him, the bed where Juliette had been just days before her death. So Jen stayed on the sofa. Staring at the blank television screen, curling up with a blanket she'd brought over from her little house. It was the same blanket that Jerry, her poor little lost rescue cat, had liked to sleep on. It always brought her a bit of comfort, until now.

It was strange, being here without him, surrounded by memories and drowning in silence. Nick had left her again, abandoned her when she needed him. And she'd let him. She'd been the one to push him away. Always, she'd been so afraid to let him in. After they were released from SIS, falling together seemed only natural. And it was. They fell together heart-first. She had been so bloody happy with him, she hadn't bothered to pause and think for a moment. She just wanted the joy of being with him to never, ever end. They'd almost gotten their chance, their baby, their family that she couldn't save. Even after so long, when the pain of the loss had long since faded, the repercussions it caused were ever-present in her mind. She'd always blamed the miscarriage for the end of their relationship the first time and the reason for her reticence to allow them to try their relationship again last year. She couldn't take another loss like that. The baby and Nick.

But it was more than that. It seemed so obvious to her now, not couched in that grief. She had never felt like they were allowed to be together, allowed to be happy. Their attraction and the temptation they'd felt undercover had been against the rules. Trying to maintain a relationship without ever having a single conversation about anything important had been a terrible mistake and had broken them when things had gotten hard. And then dating while working on the same squad, that was a legitimate excuse she'd abused in order to push him away. Because how could she ever really tell a man who loved her like she was the shining sun in his universe, how could she ever find the nerve to tell him he was wrong, that she was broken and better off alone and wholly unworthy of all the goodness he possessed? She'd worked hard all her life and she'd made something of herself. And in doing so, she had nothing else. Nick deserved more. He deserved better.

Sitting there on the sofa in their empty house, however, made the fog of Jennifer's mind clear for the first time. What Nick deserved was to be happy. What Nick deserved was to be safe. What Nick deserved was to be loved. And who better to give him that than his detective partner, who loved him more than she could ever possibly say? This selfless sacrifice she'd been trying to make was futile. If Nick wanted her, who was she to deny him? And after all they'd suffered, after all the awful things she'd experienced, hadn't she earned the right to a little happiness herself?

In that moment, Jen wanted nothing else in the entire world than to turn back the clock and have Nick hold her in his arms and tell her he loved her and to place their hands on her belly heavy with their child. As she drifted to reluctant sleep, all Jen wanted was the chance for them to be together and happy and excited to start their lives and their family together.

But for now, he was lost to her. And she was alone again.


	33. Chapter 33

Nick woke up to the sound of the door opening. Heavy footsteps. And the sound of a voice he dreaded.

"I told the superintendent you were my counselor. Which is kinda true. I talked to you a lot when I was in that cell. Just pretend, of course. I'm not crazy. I wanted you to know what I was going through."

Dane Majors was moving boxes and opening a beer as he gave his monologue. Nick turned his head at the sound of a familiar click.

"If I'd had a really bad day, I'd imagine what it would feel like to shoot you in the face. But most of the time I'd just dream of caving your head in with a golf club." Dane pointed the gun right at Nick.

It was stupid, really, he'd spend the better part of a year, all things considered, with the Secret Intelligence Service. And no one had ever thought to teach him how to withstand torture. Probably didn't want to waste their time on him, figured he wouldn't need it. Well, wouldn't you know, no one could have predicted the sheer hell on earth Nick had lived through over the last three days.

Getting hit by the car hadn't put him unconscious. A bit dazed, a few ribs broken at least. So much pain he wanted to pass out just to get a bit of reprieve. But he'd been totally awake. Dane scraped Nick off the street in front of his own house and threw him in the back of the car, driving him all the way out to the woods somewhere. He'd been handcuffed and thrown on the floor, his mouth duct taped so he couldn't yell. And then Dane left. For three days, Dane left.

No food, no water, no comfort at all. For three days. Nick could tell, trying to be awake enough for the sunrise and sunset. His mind was swirling with delirium. None of his thoughts would connect. There was just pain, most of the time. Sharp pain whenever he moved and whenever he breathed. But it was more than that. He couldn't see straight, and sometimes he could only see Jennifer's face in front of him. It was almost like he could reach out and touch her. Almost like she could lean in and trace the lines on his face like she did sometimes, or like she could lie right on top of him, her body flush against his as he stroked her soft hair and the soft skin of her back and her lovely face pressed against his chest, making his body rumble when she laughed. He could see her smile. Her full lips spread wide, her teeth on full display, her eyes looking shocking turquoise-blue as they crinkled up with joy. It was a dream, he knew, in more ways than one. Nick hadn't seen Jen smile like that in a very long time.

Dane finished his beer and put the gun back in the waistband of his trousers. He wandered where Nick couldn't see him. There was the sound of water. The sink.

And then Dane began to talk again, seemingly entranced by the sound of his own voice. "You married Nick? Girlfriend? Hah. Better get a move on. Life's short."

Nick could tell Dane was coming back toward him. He tried to tune out his captor's words, but the damage was done. All he could think about again was Jen. He needed her. He'd never needed anyone before in his life. He'd been needed by others quite a lot. But no one had ever taken care of him the way she did. No one had ever made him believe that happiness and peace and home and belonging could be found in one perfect person. He needed her.

Dane continued, undaunted. He swung a cricket bat, making Nick cringe, knowing that certainly he'd get a walloping with it soon. "Now let's just pretend you have. How would you feel if she was ripped away from you? Your life, everything you loved, all gone. And this is what it's come down to. The cars, the boats, the nightclubs, all gone. The big house is nothing without Tahnee. Only this stuff matters now." He turned a box on end and rifled through his things, pulling out some blue cloth. "My lucky shirt. I wore this the night before we won the Ashes." Dane turned back to Nick after putting the shirt on, ripping the duct tape off his mouth. Nick groaned as Dane kept on talking. "You're not very chatty, are you? Eh? I thought you were in court. You told that jury a good yarn. A yarn and a drink. Good way to end a day. I used to drink with my mates, of course. But even they've gone. You'll have to do."

He lifted Nick and set him upright against a support beam in the middle of the room. Christ, the pain was intolerable. Dane then moved around the room, grabbing a tray of shot glasses and a bottle of whiskey. He began to pour.

"I bet those ribs hurt, eh? Three days without food, I reckon this is gonna knock you right out. Two-pot screamer. Now, I'm a good bloke, so we'll do the first one together. What I would have given some of those nights locked in my cell for a bottle to drink myself stupid."

Dane took a shot for himself and poured another into Nick's mouth. As best he could, Nick spit and coughed, hoping as little alcohol as possible entered his battered body.

"I remember the night we met. You were really nice to me. We had a yarn about the old days. And then you turned around and charged me with murder, just like that. And then when it looked like I might get off, you planted evidence to make sure that I didn't. Now what I want to know is, how do you live with yourself?"

Nick groaned unintelligibly, his mouth not yet able to form words thanks to disuse.

"Come again?"

"I'm sorry," Nick rasped.

"I DON'T WANT YOUR APOLOGIES!" Dane bellowed. "Look at this! Look!" He pointed to Tahnee's modeling photograph. "Now, I've lost more than someone like you will ever have!" He kicked Nick hard, right in his broken ribs, before pacing angrily around the room. "Now, being good at sport is not a crime. Beating up yourself is not a crime. Going out and getting girls is not a crime. I loved my wife. Her killer walked free."

"We got him."

"Well you're too late! People have to pay. I wasn't a killer when you put me in prison. But I am now. Drink it down, that's it."

Dane poured whiskey right from the bottle into Nick's bleeding mouth, not stopping until he knew Nick had swallowed at least a bit. Then, he took his gun from his waistband and pointed it under Nick's chin.

He growled, "I sat in that cell, night after night for 10 years. You buried me alive, Nick. And now that's what I'm gonna do to you."

Nick was filled with panic and fear like he'd never known. It was one thing, when they were undercover and Jen was shot and she passed out in his arms. He'd lost his mind then, nearly beat a man to death for revenge. He'd worried for her wellbeing, but he was right there with her. He would never leave her when she needed him. But now, Dane was going to take him from her. And Nick couldn't let that happen. He had more he wanted to do in life. He wanted to tell Jen he was sorry for all the pain he'd caused her for years, that he loved her so much he could barely breathe sometimes. He wanted to marry her and build a family. He wanted all of that, but he needed to be around for it. He needed to return to her. He couldn't leave her. Not like this.


	34. Chapter 34

Upon arriving at the cabin in Warrandyte, both Jen and Rhys drew their guns. It was too quiet. Terrifyingly so. Jen instructed the younger detective to go around back to flush Dane out the front. Her voice and her hands were steady. She was ready for whatever came out that door, ready to take charge and save the day. It was surely the adrenaline pumping through every vein in her body that fooled her into this calm confidence. But somehow she felt it deep in her bones that this was it. This was going to be the end of it. Dane would be arrested, Nick would be alright.

But Dane wasn't in the cabin. Rhys came through to the front and said no one was inside. Her heart sank, all confidence leaving her.

All of a sudden, gunshots sounded, forcing Jen and Rhys to scuttle behind some trees. Jennifer announced their police presence to Dane when she caught a glimpse of him between shots. Rhys couldn't get a signal to call for backup, so she sent him back to the car. She was on her own now.

Dane ran, and Jen sprinted after him through the woods. The closer she got, the less steady she felt. The roiling pain in her chest threatened to spill out in shakes and tears and sobs, but she couldn't let that happen. Not yet, not now that she was so close. She fired off another few rounds toward Dane, shattering the window of his car as he dove behind a tree. Jen had a moment of reprieve to catch her breath and collect herself, though it didn't help. She could feel the grimace on her face as she tried to tamp down her panic.

"You've lost! You hear me? If you've come here for Nick Buchanan, you're too late!"

About ten feet away, tied up and hidden from view and shoved in the boot of a car and now covered in glass from the shot-out window, Nick himself could hear Dane's shouts. He couldn't move, and the tape over his mouth prevented him from calling out to whoever his savior might be, whoever Dane might be yelling at now, the prick.

"I've just buried him! He's gone. Come on, let's go, Detective! One more won't make a difference. You're all the same to me."

Jen tried not to let Dane's taunts get to her. But she spied two graves dug next to the car. One was filled, and one was empty. There were two people missing, Alan Sullivan and Nick Buchanan. One of them was already dead and buried. She swallowed hard to prevent the cries of anguish from erupting out of her.

Dane fired another shot. Jen dropped to the ground to avoid it. She crawled over the forest floor with a grunt, unable to remain quiet, the effort of simply existing in that moment almost too hard to bear. Her breathing was labored now, thanks to the physical and emotional exertion.

"Yeah, Bruce Dalton! He beat me to it. But I've killed everyone else who locked me up. Even that little prick, Lombardi!" Dane shouted.

Jen almost laughed at the arrogance of this evil, disgusting man. "Oh no you didn't!" she couldn't resist shouting back at him.

"Yeah, bang bang, he went down!" Dane countered.

"You only winged him!"

A silence fell between them as Dane considered what this meant for him. Jen watched and waited, biding her time to make her move, willing her body and her mind to remain focused and not completely abandon her.

Nick had heard that exchange of shouts and gunshots, and though he was barely conscious, practically mad from the torture Dane had put him through, he knew what was happening. That was Jennifer's voice. Jennifer had come to take Dane Majors down, to save the day. And Dane bloody Majors was shooting at her. The blood in his veins went cold with panic.

"You didn't kill Nick either, did you?" Jen yelled. It was more of a desperate wish than anything else, a thin hope to cling to. She had no way of knowing whether it was Nick or Alan in that filled-in grave, or if whoever wasn't buried was even still alive. "You've only filled one grave, and that's Sullivan's. So where's Nick?" She was losing her voice from the emotion coursing through it. "Dane!" she screeched.

"Nick Buchanan brought this on himself!"

Jen couldn't keep the tears away now. She could barely get sound to come out of her throat, but she knew she must. "Tell me where he is!" she begged.

"Not a chance!"

"Please!" Her voice cracked as she strained to yell. She was only barely holding her gun and standing upright. Only the desperate desire to find him, to believe he was still alive, only that kept her going. She was so close to getting him back, Nick, whose soul was so irrevocably entwined with hers. She had pushed him away, hoping to preserve them both, but not fully realizing that she could no more live without him than she could without her own beating heart. She knew that now, and with every beat of that heart, she was reminded. And she had to believe he was still alive, that he was still around for her to get to. She prayed to a god she didn't know if she believed in, anything, anyone, just to secure his life.

Nick heard the pain in her voice, and he longed to comfort her. If only he could fight himself free, show her he was still alright, that he hadn't left her, that he'd never leave her. But he couldn't move. He was trapped, barely alive, awaiting a rescue that might kill them both.

"Been saving him till last," Dane announced. He came out from behind the tree, firing at Jen as he walked toward the boot of his car. He aimed the gun inside.

Jennifer shot. Her hands had never been steadier, with a greater purpose than right now. Her bullet ripped through Dane's chest.

But he didn't go down. He tried to re-aim inside the car, so Jen shot him again. This time, the force of the hit spun him around. Her final shot was right into the middle of his back, and Dane Majors crumpled to the ground.

Not waiting even a moment, Jen sprinted through the woods to the car, as though her life depended on it. And it did. Because Nick's life hung in the balance.

All the shots and the shouting was something of a mystery to Nick. He couldn't see anything and he couldn't properly tell where any of the gunshots came from, such was the level of his delirium. But all had gone quiet now, and that could only mean one of two things. Dane was dead or, he could barely manage to think it, Jen was dead.

The dirty sheet was pulled off him, and Nick blinked in the brightness. As he turned his head, there she was. She looked at him like her heart had stopped beating. He knew his had. She ripped the tape from his mouth, and he coughed slightly, finally being able to breathe. His eyes never left hers.

The intensity of the way he looked at her made Jen's whole being tingle with an electric fire that threatened to overwhelm her. He silently thanked her with his gaze. "Nick," she whispered, unable to find any more words. The adrenaline and relief and gratitude buzzed through her. She could see he was gravely injured and extremely weak. He might not have been doing well, but he was there. He was alive. She got him.

"Backup's on the way."

Jen ripped her eyes from Nick's to see Rhys jogging toward her. He looked into the car and his eyes went wide.

"Christ, mate. Let's get you up, yeah?" Rhys suggested.

They tried to help Nick sit, but he couldn't quite manage it. He was too injured and too weak. But the were about to get the bindings off his hands. "Rhys, go find some water and call for an ambulance," Jen instructed, croaking out her words. Now that it was all over, all energy was quickly vacating her body.

As soon as Rhys went off on his task, Jen climbed into the back of the car, helping shift Nick so he rested partially in her lap. He reached out and she took his hand, holding it tight. He closed his eyes and exhaled with a deep calm washing over him. Jen's shaky free hand stroked his hair and claimed all the contact she could manage from him, needing to feel him and hold him. Her tears fell unchecked, though this time they stemmed from relief more than anything else.

"Jen," Nick barely managed to murmur.

"Shh, I'm here. It's alright. Everything's alright. I'm right here," she whispered. "We're going to be alright."


	35. Chapter 35

After the ambos took Nick, Jen gave her statement and was firmly instructed to take thirty-six hours off for stress leave. She gladly took it.

She didn't shower or change her clothes. She raced to the hospital. Nick was lying in bed peacefully as half a dozen IV bags pumped him full of medications and fluids and nutrients in an effort to counteract the sadistic torture Dane Majors had inflicted on him. Jen sat in the chair next to Nick's hospital bed and watched him breathe. Tears streamed down her face unchecked.

"Jen?" he mumbled.

She scrambled up and came to sit on the edge of his bed. "I'm here, Nick."

"Am I dead?"

He was clearly in a fog, barely conscious. Jen squeezed his hand and gave a watery chuckle. "No, you're alive, and you're in the hospital, and you're going to be just fine. Everything's fine," she assured him.

"You're here," he stated with an air of surprise, his hazel eyes blinking in recognition.

She nodded, trying to wipe her tears away. "Yes, I am. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not letting you go ever again."

Nick's eyes fell closed again and a serene smile spread over his face. "Good," he mumbled as he lost consciousness again.

Jen kissed his knuckles and watched him quietly again.

"Jennifer, you're supposed to be at home."

She turned at the sound of a familiar voice. "I'm sorry, sir. I need to be here," she replied, cursing the emotion she couldn't remove from her tone.

Stanley Wolfe entered the hospital room and took note of the way Jen was holding Nick's hand, the way she was looking at him. Wolfe nodded subtly. "Have you been updated on his condition?"

Jen nodded. "Severe dehydration, several cracked ribs, trauma to some internal organs. He was beat within an inch of his life. But they've got him patched up and all these medications should start helping in a few hours. He hasn't really been awake."

"He's alive because of you, you know," Wolfe informed her. "We wouldn't have known to look for him so soon if it wasn't for you."

Her tears flowed anew. She was too exhausted and emotional to prevent them. "He's my best friend," she replied truthfully. "You don't know what he means to me."

"I think I may have some idea," he replied knowingly.

Jen merely smiled tightly and nodded once in acknowledgment.

"But you so need to go home, Jennifer. Take a shower and eat something and rest."

"I don't want to go..." she protested, looking back at Nick's face.

"I'll stay here for a while. And I'll call you if there's any change. But please, just two hours, to take care of yourself before you come back. I'll call if there's any change in him," Wolfie promised.

Reluctantly, Jen let go of Nick's hand and stood up. She paused in front of Wolfe and impulsively gave him a hug.

Stanley was taken aback by her lack of professionalism but was endeared by it. After all, this wasn't just any detective on his squad. This was Mapplethorpe. He hugged her tight, feeling a surge of paternal affection. "He's going to be alright, Jennifer," he murmured comfortingly.

"I almost lost him, Sarge," she said, her voice muffled against his jacket.

"But you didn't. Everything's going to be fine."

She pulled away, wiping her eyes again. "Sorry," she mumbled.

"It's alright. Now go get some rest. I'll be here when you get back."

"Two hours?"

"Two hours."

Jen finally left the hospital room to go home for just two hours to take care of herself. Stanley stood at the end of Nick's bed and watched him. "Buchanan, you'd better know how lucky you are. She's the best we've got, and she certainly loves you," Stanley said aloud. "You'd better not break her heart."

"I won't. Not again," came a very mumbling reply.

Wolfe gave a small smile. "Nick, you just rest."

"Yes, sir." And with that, Nick fell back into unconsciousness once again.

The next time Nick woke up, he was being slightly jostled out of his medication-induced oblivion. He groaned in pain, his poor muscles beaten and sore from disuse, his bones cracked and bruised, and his internal organs practically mutilated from abuse. "Oh, sorry," came a whispered reply, accompanied by more movement.

"Jen?" His eyes blinked open and found the room dark. It must have been nighttime.

"Yeah," she replied quietly.

As his eyes adjusted to the dim light, he saw that she was on top of the hospital bed with him. She was wearing comfortable sweats and her hair was slightly damp where it touched his shoulder. "What's this?"

"Wolfie made me go home and shower and eat something, but I couldn't sleep knowing you were here. But now that I know you're safe, I'm bloody tired. And all I've wanted to do for days is curl up in bed with you, and I know this isn't exactly the same thing but…" She sighed, realizing how insane she sounded. "Christ, I must be losing my mind from exhaustion."

"Why are you so exhausted? Haven't you been sleeping?" he asked with concern.

She gave a small, bitter laugh. "Nick, when you didn't turn up for work, I panicked. I knew something was wrong. I couldn't just sit by. I practically broke into Dane's house. Duncan and I searched yours, and I found your watch shattered and your blood was in the street. I worked over forty-eight hours straight till Matty sent me home. I was awake all night on the sofa, worried sick about you. And I couldn't bear to even try to get in our bed without you."

Even through the haze of medications, Nick could hear the words she used. Our bed. She'd been worried about him. And he knew she'd rescued him. She saved his life. And she was here now in his hospital bed because she couldn't bear to be away from him. "This isn't our bed, but it'll have to do for now," he replied with a small smile. "Come here," he beckoned, lifting his arm to tuck her underneath it.

Jen immediately snuggled against him until he let out a hiss of pain, causing her to recoil. "I don't want to hurt you. I'll stay over here."

"Don't you dare," he insisted, pulling her back against him. "I need you right here."

"Me too," she replied quietly.

Nick exhaled slowly, trying to trust that this was real, that Jen was back in his arms, that they were both alive and safe. Perhaps a bit worse for wear, but they'd be stronger in the broken places. "Get some sleep before some nurse kicks you out," he mumbled sleepily.

"I flashed my badge and insisted it was police business that I stand guard over you all night."

"So much for standing guard."

"I think I can guard you much better lying right here."

"Yeah, I think so. Go to sleep, Jennifer," he told her one last time.

She yawned and nuzzled against him. "Okay."

Jen stayed with Nick as long as she could. The nurse did shoo her off the bed, but he was awake and alert the next morning, and she wanted to be with him as much as possible. By the afternoon, however, she was called back to work. Jen told him she'd be back as soon as she could before she rushed out to shower and change for work. Her thirty-six hours off had gotten cut short. She had to finish her report and draft Nick's statement so they could close the case on Dane Majors once and for all.

Nick was in the hospital for two more days after that. Jen was barely able to see him. They spent more time texting than anything else, since she was busy with work. They didn't say anything of any importance. Perhaps they were both too shaken by near-death experiences to actually delve into their personal relationship, or perhaps they were both just too happy to have each other back that they didn't want to break the spell by examining it. Either way, they were caught in limbo. Not quite together, but not quite apart.

The only other visitor Nick received while he was recovering was, rather unexpectedly, Stanley Wolfe. Nick was receiving his last round of medications and getting weaned off the painkillers when the senior sergeant arrived.

"Nick, it's nice to see you awake."

"I don't think it's too nice to see me looking like this but don't let my face fool you. I'm almost back to fighting condition," Nick joked.

Wolfe nodded. "That's actually what I wanted to come see you about. Commander Waverly is still waiting to process your resignation, at my request. Now that things have died down, I wanted to revisit the idea with you."

"I'm no good to Homicide anymore, Sarge. Or anywhere else on the force. I've made too many mistakes, and this case only proves it," Nick reasoned.

Lips pursed in disapproval, Wolfe replied, "I see. And what do you propose to do after resigning? I assume you've figured out your finances and lined up interviews at other places of employment. Updated your resumé and sent out applications?"

"Well, I've been a bit tied up. Quite literally, actually."

"Mmm. And you still feel the same as you did before Dane Majors nearly killed you? You still feel like you could live your life doing something else?"

Nick frowned. "I've got to." What other choice did he have? He couldn't be with Jen if he went back to Homicide. And he couldn't live any sort of a life without her. That was a foregone conclusion between them now. Wasn't it?

Wolfe sighed, "Nick, I'll be the first one to tell you that the job cannot be your entire life. But I'll also be the first one to tell you that when you've been doing this as long as I have or as long as you have, it's a part of who you are. If you can honestly tell me that you will still feel like yourself if you wake up every day without the word 'detective' coming before your name, I'll go tell Waverly right now to process your resignation. But if you've got even a moment's doubt, I think you owe it to yourself and everyone who cares about you to come back to work tomorrow and settle back in."

There was a heavy quiet in the room as Nick considered Wolfie's words. "I'll think about it, sir. I'll come in tomorrow to at least go over my statement. I'll tell the Commander my final decision then, if that's alright."

Wolfe grunted in assent. "See you tomorrow. I know there are members of the squad who are really looking forward to having you back."

And strangely, Nick was suddenly looking forward to being back.

As soon as he was discharged from the hospital, he went home to properly shower and put on a suit before heading right down to the station. He went to Waverly's office first. After he'd said his piece to her, he took the elevator down to the Homicide floor. Nick removed his jacket and rolled up his sleeves as he returned to his home away from home.

Jen turned just as he walked in. Her gray-green eyes lit up at the sight of him. "Ah, Buchanan. You're late," she teased.

"Not a good look, is it?" he replied with self-deprecation to the cuts and bruises sported all over his face.

They all engaged in some good-natured ribbing as he sat down at his desk beside Jen. Where he belonged.

"So, you ready to go through your statement? Took me hours to type it up," she said, taking a file folder and standing up.

Nick had to try hard not to beam with pleasure at being back here. With her. He got up and followed her to the break room.

They sat down at the table, and she pulled out the typed statement to hand him. He pushed it away for the time being. "Thanks, Jen." For doing the work on his statement. For saving his life. For supporting him. For loving him. For being the best thing in his life.

Their eyes met and all those things poured out between them wordlessly.

"I've withdrawn my resignation," he told her.

Immediately, her face filled with hurt. She knew what that meant. She knew what that choice implied for their own future. But she forced a small smile that didn't quite meet her eyes. "Good. I don't want to lose you."

He gave a small nod. "The statement?"

And they went through the paperwork together, slipping seamlessly back into their professional rhythm, ignoring the screaming of their battered hearts.


	36. Chapter 36

Jen leaned against the wall, waiting for the room to clear, trying to be inconspicuous. Finally, only Nick was left inside, his forehead resting on his arms on the table. He looked miserable, and she went right in.

"Hey. Ethical standards done with you?" she asked as his head lifted slowly.

"For today," he replied with a shrug. "How long's it been?"

"Nearly four hours."

He stood up with a slight groan, pacing anxiously. "I keep telling them I wasn't party to Dalton's conspiracy. But even to me, it sounds weak."

Jen frowned. "So what now?"

"They write up the report. Decide if the charges will stick."

"Well they won't."

"If Lombardi pushes hard enough, it will."

Jen knew he was right, and she hated it. The Attorney General seemed hellbent on ruining their lives. Disbanding Homicide and going after Nick like this? It was almost more than she could bear. The two most important things in her life, which she had finally, _finally_ understood, were slipping away. And there didn't seem to be anything she could do about it. The helplessness she'd never wanted to feel ever again was coming back full force.

"Anyway, that's my problem," Nick said quietly, interrupting her musings. "Waverly told you where you're going?" After all, Jen still had a job, even if he might not.

"No, but word's getting around. Got a call from Fraud squad. I can go back there if I want."

Nick smiled softly. She'd been on Fraud when they first met, when they'd first been together all those years ago. She was still so new at being a detective, and Fraud had taught her a lot. But she'd hated it. She was worth so much more than that work allowed her do. She deserved to be on Homicide, but there was no more Homicide to be on. "You'll be bored out of your brain," he replied knowingly.

"Mmm," she agreed. "But it does offer up other possibilities."

"Does it?"

"Well, the way I see it, the issue was always both of us being Homicide cops," she told him with a small smile. And that wasn't entirely true, but Jen needed something—anything—to cling to now. She needed to believe that some part of her life could be good, that somewhere there was hope to be had. And Nick was all the hope she needed now. "So you better hurry up and decide where you want to be transferred. Just give Fraud a miss, okay?"

And with that, she turned and left the room. They couldn't be seen together too much while Ethical Standards was still sniffing around Nick and any possible corruption he might be involved in. After the Dane Majors incident, she had done far too much in her emotional panic; Wolfie already knew too much, and she needed to try to keep some kind of professional distance. But soon, if they were going to be tossed off Homicide anyway, they wouldn't need to keep their distance anymore. Soon. Very soon.

And then, as was so often the case in their world, everything changed. They had evidence that Lombardi put out a hit on his advisor, the mysterious Deep Throat. It seemed corruption charges would be filed against someone other than Nick.

"Well, this could be it," Jen said quietly, standing beside Nick in the empty briefing room. "You could be off the hook."

Nick nodded. He didn't want to get too excited yet. Bringing down Lombardi changed things. Everything, really. Nick could be off the hook, yes, but Homicide could be, too. And if they did get to stay on Homicide, what would they do? What would Jen do? Would anything really be any different? Could they have gotten so close to being together only to have her push him away again? He wasn't sure if he could handle it.

But even Nick couldn't bear to be unhappy later that day when he got to be the one to put Lombardi in handcuffs and read him his rights for his arrest. And when everyone passed around beers in Homicide and watched the news report and cheered, he cheered right along with them. Waverly announced that Homicide would be staying and the cheers went around again. He and Jen shared a smile and a tip of the beer bottle, a toast to their success.

Jen jerked her head ever so slightly and walked over to the break room. Nick waited till everyone else was distracted and went to follow her.

"Good day today," he said, entering the quiet, empty room.

She nodded. "Yeah. Good day." Jen looked down at her shoes, steeling herself for this moment. "Nick, since it looks like we're both keeping our jobs…"

He cut her off. "Jen, I know before you ended it because we couldn't work together and be together, but we did it before. We did it before, and we can do it again. And I know how important the job is to you. And despite what I might have said when I tried to resign, it's important to me too. But you…you are everything. And I know we can make this work. We deserve a chance to make it work. Please, Jen," he begged. Nick's heart was pounding in his chest. But this was the first quiet moment they'd had to themselves without impending doom surrounding them. If he didn't say this now, he never would.

And to his utter disbelief, Jen smiled. "That's funny, I was about to say the same thing."

"You were?!"

"Yes, before you rudely interrupted me. You know, that's not a nice way to treat your girlfriend."

"My girlfriend?"

She smirked. "Yeah, that's me, unless you've got another stashed somewhere I don't know about."

Nick suddenly felt giddy with relief. He wrapped his arms around her and murmured, "No, just you, Jen. Only you."

"I love you," she whispered, leaning in to kiss him.

The door opened and a peal of laughter sounded, causing them to jump away from each other.

"Hey, you two! Everything alright?" Duncan asked, coming to the fridge to grab another beer.

"Yeah, I was just telling Jen that Ethical Standards let me off. And I heard they're not going to go after her for what she did to save me," Nick told him.

Duncan nodded. "Good. She saved your bloody life, mate."

"Don't I know it," Nick agreed.

"I'm just that good," Jen said with a wink. She moved past the boys to rejoin the group. "Nick, talk later?"

He nodded. "Yeah, talk later."

Everyone cleared off at the shift change, and Nick went straight home. Not ten minutes later, his doorbell rang. Jen was leaning against the doorframe and smiling at him.

"Guess who," he greeted with a smile. "Come in."

"Thought you could slip away, did you?" she asked, following him inside.

"Well, you found me," he teased.

"Well, I'm a good detective," she teased right back. "You're never going to get these renovations finished now," Jen pointed out, gesturing to all the paint cans and sawhorses still set up in the dining room.

"Some things take time," he replied quietly, moving toward her, placing his hands on her hips and pulling her close. "No second thoughts?" he asked.

"No," she assured him, putting her arms around his neck. "No second thoughts."

"We're both in Homicide now," he reminded her.

"That doesn't matter anymore," Jen whispered. And it didn't, really. The only thing that mattered was this, here, the two of them in their home. Together. No more pushing Nick away, no more hiding from him, no more excuses. He'd told her earlier that she was everything. And now she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he was everything, too.

They leaned in toward each other and finally shared the kiss they'd been saving for just this moment. This moment when they were together and they were committed and it was real and nothing could change that.

The beeping of their phones interrupted them before their kiss could take them any further. They both smiled and laughed to see the messages they both received before they broke apart and headed out. Back to work.


	37. Chapter 37

Jen hated to pause their reunion to go work. She hated to end their kiss to answer their phones. She hated to let him leave her arms to return to the job that had constantly threatened to keep them apart.

But this was the deal they were making. They could have their relationship subject to Homicide. She had decided that for herself—unequivocally, now—but she wished they could have a moment to talk about it before rushing off to a crime scene.

It was late in the evening before they could manage to get away. They returned to Nick's house, each driving their own cars.

"Now, where were we?" he asked, pulling her into his arms as soon as he closed the front door behind her.

Jen happy allowed him to kiss her for a minute before she pushed him off. "We need to talk about this, Nick," she insisted. She tried to make her voice as strong as possible to hide the fact that she desperately wanted to keep kissing him, to hide the fact that she would rather do almost anything else in the world than talk to him about this. But she had to. She couldn't avoid this any longer.

Nick didn't protest, though he was visibly disappointed to have to let go of her. "Yeah, you're probably right," he sighed. "Should we have a beer and have it out?"

"I'd like to think we could do with a beer and a cuddle on the sofa," she replied with a smile.

"Oh good." Nick smiled back at her and retrieved two bottles of beer from the fridge, cracking them open before joining her on the sofa.

They tapped the bottles together before each taking a swig. Nick watched Jennifer, waiting for her to begin. After all, she was the one who wanted to talk.

Jen searched his eyes for a moment, silently searching for reassurance. Nick's slight nod gave her what she was looking for. She opened her mouth to speak and then closed it, shaking her head.

"What's wrong?" he asked, confused by her reaction.

"I was about to say that you know how I feel about you and then I realized that you probably don't know how I feel about you and that's the whole problem. 'I love you' just isn't quite enough."

He knew exactly what she meant. And she was entirely correct. "Then why don't you tell me?" he asked patiently.

Jen took another sip of beer and put the bottle on a coaster on the table before scooting close to him and placing her hands on his chest. "I have been a complete idiot about everything between us. I avoided talking about things that mattered because I kept hoping that the bad things would go away and the good things you'd just automatically understand. And in some ways, I think you do know. But it doesn't mean I shouldn't say it. And the same with the difficult parts. Ignoring it and pushing it aside doesn't make it go away. I got scared and pushed you away when I should have worked through it with you. And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't listen or didn't believe you when you tried to stop me from ending it. I didn't want to end it. I don't want to end it. Because I love you so much, and I want to be with you forever, and if you'll have me, I'll never leave ever again. I'll never let the job or anything else come between us," she told him, the words tumbling from her lips in an increasingly desperate tone.

Nick gently pushed her hair behind her ear. "Never say never, Jen," he warned with a sad smile.

Jen felt her stomach tie in knots. This was exactly what she was afraid of. "No, Nick, I'm serious about this. I am never going to let you go. We can get married and have babies, like you said. Whatever you want."

He frowned. She was saying all the right things, all the things he'd wanted to hear from her. But the way she said it...she was begging for him, telling him what he wanted to hear just so he would accept her. And that wasn't how it was supposed to be. "We can figure all that out later," he said, quelling the panic in her face. He brought her hands up to his lips and kissed her fingertips. "I just want us to be together and live a life. I love you," he told her reverently.

Jen practically threw herself onto him, holding him tightly. "I love you. I never stopped loving you and I never will," she vowed.

And this time, Nick believed her when she said "never." He gently lifted her face to him with his index finger, dipping his head to kiss her. It started out soft, lips caressing each other, making up for all their lost time of the past few weeks apart. But those weeks caught up with them quickly. Nick abandoned Jen's lips to kiss and suck and lick and nip up and down her neck, her moans of appreciation spurring him on.

The next thing she knew, his hands were around her waist, pulling her blouse from her trousers and over her head, dropping it on the floor. Her bra was soon tossed aside to join the discarded blouse. Jen gasped as his mouth found her breast, his tongue and teeth teasing her.

"God, Nick, I love you," she groaned, arching against him. Somewhere in the swirling haze of her mind, Jen remembered that she had intended to make everything up to him. And while she knew he enjoyed having his mouth attached to her chest like this, it wasn't what she wanted tonight to be about. It took all her mental strength to get her body to cooperate, but she was able to push him off her.

Before Nick could fully figure out what was happening, Jen had lowered herself onto the floor between his legs. He sat on the sofa, knees spread wide apart as usual, watching her. She had a sly grin on her face as she unbuckled his trousers and pushed them down his hips. Nick shifted to allow her to pull the trousers and shorts down to his ankles and off him after she got his shoes. He smiled as his heart pounded in his chest to feel her deft hands skim up his legs, first the outside to his hip and then the inside of his thighs. His erection was hard and proud, but she hadn't given it any attention yet. She did, however, watch him twitch as her hands got close, and she licked her lips in anticipation.

Jen finally relieved some of the tension building within him, curling her fingers around his length commandingly and stroking him a few times. Nick moaned at the familiar, comforting, erotic feeling of her hand, the grip of her fingers and the texture of her palm against him. And just when he didn't think he could take anymore, Jen dipped her head down so the tip of her tongue could trace the head of his cock. Her hand never slowed while she was teasing him and then when she swiftly took him in her mouth. Nick instinctively thrust his hips and tangled his hand in her hair. She sucked on him hard, and it was almost too much. What sent him right over the edge, however, was feeling himself hit the back of her throat as she took him in as deep as she could. She never even hesitated as he jerked against her mouth, spilling inside her in short bursts until he slumped back, nearly passed out.

Feeling quite pleased with herself, Jen wiped her mouth with her own discarded blouse and stood up to sit on the sofa beside him. She hadn't even managed to get him out of his shirt before going down on him, so she decided to take her time undoing the buttons while he rested for a moment. They weren't finished, not by a long shot.

Nick blinked his eyes open after the best blowjob of his life to see Jen pushing his shirt off his chest and tracing his muscles with her fingers. She looked very smug. "That was a nice start," he murmured, his words slightly slurred from his intense satisfaction.

"Mmm," she agreed with a happy hum.

"Your turn, is it?"

She chuckled appreciatively. "You rest. I can wait. I'm enjoying the anticipation just fine," she replied.

"Come here," he growled, pushing her back on the sofa before could protest. Nick slid her trousers off her legs, not pausing until she was completely naked. She looked up at him, her eyes shining with adoration and dark desire. Nick smirked and spread her legs apart, settling between them. He took his time, patiently tracing her folds with his tongue, lightly kissing her center, teasing her to the point of madness. She was writhing beneath him, trying to grab onto his hair and buck her hips against his face, but his strong arms held her still. And he continued his slow, deliberate onslaught until she shattered, moaning and gasping as her climax washed over her. His pace never faltered, urging the sensations to continue.

"Nick," she gasped, completely overwhelmed by the electric pulsing throughout her body. And just when she thought she couldn't take any more, he began lapping up her juices in earnest, sucking hard where she was most sensitive, and he plunged two fingers inside her. She screamed in pleasure to feel him curl his fingers and reach just where she needed him. His pace was now fast and rough, and her next orgasm was powerful and almost immediate.

By this time, Nick had recovered sufficiently. He was rock-hard and throbbing for her. He gave her one final kiss before resettling between her thighs. She was breathing heavily and coming down from her high when he lifted one leg, resting her calf against his shoulder, and hitched her other leg over his hip. This angle gave him the best leverage to thrust into her as deep as he could and watch every single expression on her face.

"Please, Nick, I need you," she begged breathlessly. Jen couldn't feel her hands or her toes and her mouth was dry from gasping for air, but the ache in her wouldn't subside until he was fully sheathed inside her. He did as she wanted, pushing himself completely into her right away. They both moaned at the sensation.

He set a furious pace, pounding into her with everything he had. It wouldn't take either of them long to come like this. It was a lot of friction and movement and all the passion they possessed together. Jen canted her hips to meet him and moved against him to get the pressure she needed. He was more than happy to oblige, though he wasn't going to last long now. When he came inside her, the abrupt change in rhythm pushed her over the edge and she clenched around him.

They fell back onto the sofa, clutching each other as they gasped for air. "Oh Christ, I've missed you," Nick breathed, burying his face in her hair. "Once we can move again, let's get to bed, eh?" he suggested.

But Jen stiffened in his arms. "I…I can't."

"I'll carry you if you can't walk," he teased.

She swallowed hard, still trying to catch her breath. Though now her heart was pounding for a very different reason. "No, it's not that. Nick, I know we said we weren't going to talk about it..."

"Talk about what?"

About what happened…when we were apart…" she began tentatively, pulling away from him slowly.

"Juliette? You were the one who didn't want to talk about it," he interrupted.

"Well now I want to talk about it."

Nick raised his brow in surprise, not knowing why she'd want to talk about this now, of all times. "Alright."

"I mean, I don't want to talk about it, but we've got to," she insisted. Jen had pulled her knees up to her chest, hiding herself from him. She stared at her own feet, unable to look at him.

Nick remained where he was, not wanting to be distracted by her naked body so close to him, not wanting to make any sudden movements to spook her. "Why do we have to?" he asked quietly.

She finally met his gaze. "Because it's killing me that you found someone else, and if she were still alive, you wouldn't have given me a second glance."

It shocked him, to see her eyes full of so much pain. "I don't know how you could possibly believe that," he said in disbelief. How could she think he wanted anyone but her, especially after what they'd just finished doing?

Jen frowned. "Oh come on, Nick, you did sleep with the woman. And she was extremely pretty. And young. And brunette."

He nodded. "That's true. She was all those things. And she wanted me, which, after losing you, felt pretty good, I gotta say. So I slept with her a few times."

Jen tried to keep a neutral expression on her face but failed miserably. Her mouth quirked into a grimace. "I know it's all my fault, Nick. It always is." She pushed away from him, unable to be close to him when she felt like she would shatter into a million pieces over the pain she had caused them both. Maybe he would have been better off with Juliette.

Nick grabbed her arm. "Don't you dare. I'm not letting you do this again, Jennifer. Never again." He took her face in his hands to force her to look into his eyes, to know he was serious. "I love you, Jen. I would erase every other woman I've ever been with, if I could. Especially Juliette. She was a nice girl and she didn't deserve what happened to her. I caused that. Because of my past and because I was weak enough to fall into bed with her when I couldn't have you. That was my mistake. None of it was your fault. I should have waited for you like I promised."

Jen shook her head in his hands. "You never promised me that. I told you not to wait for me."

"I know. But I promised myself. Because you and only you are the person I want to be with. Jennifer Mapplethorpe, you are the love of my life."

"But you took another woman to our bed," she said sadly. Jen knew it was unfair for her to be upset about it, but it didn't change her feelings about the situation.

Nick reached out and pushed her hair behind her ear. "I'm so sorry, Jen. Honest. What can I do to make it up to you? We took so much time finding our way back, and we can't start out again like this. Let me fix it, please. Just tell me how."

Jen didn't want to be upset, not anymore, not now. She wanted them to fix it. "We need to make it our bed again."

"Alright." Nick waited for her to elaborate.

"Take me to bed, Nick. And let's make it ours."

He stood and scooped her into his arms to carry her upstairs to their room. Neither of them bothered with the mess of clothes left by the sofa. A problem for the morning. Nick needed to take her to bed and remind her all that they could be together and to have that knowledge replace any thought either of them ever had about Juliette in their bed. And Nick knew exactly how he wanted to do it.

He gently put Jen down to settle under under the covers. He got into bed with her, shivering slightly at the coolness of the sheets. Very quickly, however, he pulled her into his arms to heat them both with their proximity.

They kissed and caressed one another, tangling arms and legs in their tight embrace. Their ministrations were unhurried, full of passion and patience. Unlike on the sofa, they were gentle with each other. This was about memorizing everything about the other, to burn their touches into their souls.

When Nick's hardness was pressed against her thigh and he could feel how wet she was for him again, Nick rolled them over so he hovered above her. This certainly wasn't the most adventurous position, but it was exactly what Nick wanted then. He loved to cover her body with his, feel the entire length of her beneath him, watch her face while they made love. Jen crossed her ankles behind his back, urging him forward. He entered her slowly, softly. They continued on that way, dragging out every sensation. As Jen got closer, she dug her nails into the taught muscles of his arms and shoulders and back. The sharp pain gave him a jolt down to his groin, but he remained steady. She tumbled over to completion, and it took everything in him not to hurry after her. He needed to take his time.

Jen recovered from her aftershocks and gently pushed him off her. It was her turn to set the pace. She positioned Nick in a seated position, leaning back against the pillows and headboard. She straddled him, lowering herself onto him just as slowly as he had entered her before. When she was seated on his lap, the rocked back and forth together, the smallest movements having the most intimate and sensual impact on them both. Jen ground down onto him, her highly sensitive flesh reacting to the slightest friction. She was so close, and her final release was transcendent and delicious. "Come for me, Nick," she whispered. And when he let go, thrusting up into her, he murmured that he loved her.

They stilled. Jen held him tight, burying her face in his neck as they struggled to regain their breath. Nick could feel Jen tremble in his arms, but when he felt a wetness on his shoulder that wasn't their sweat, he was concerned. "Jen?"

She lifted her head. She was crying.

"Oh, Jennifer, what's wrong, are you alright?" he asked with frantic concern, stroking her hair and trying to wipe away her tears.

"You really do love me, don't you?"

He couldn't help but laugh. "Of course I do. More than anything."

"No one's ever loved me like that. I never thought anyone ever would or ever could. And it terrifies me, Nick, that you're so wonderful and absolutely incredible, and one day you'll figure out that I'm not worth it," she finally confessed.

Nick held her tight in his arms. He'd gone soft inside her but neither of them had any intention of moving. "I don't know why you'd ever think that. You are the most magnificent woman on the planet."

She gave a disbelieving sort of chuckle. "You're the first person that thinks so."

"That can't be true."

Jen pulled away from his embrace slightly and explained, as she should have a very long time ago, "My father ran off when I was six. He'd leave and come back all the time when I was a kid, sometimes after a week or a month. But after my sixth birthday, he left and I never saw or heard from him ever again. It was just me and Mum, and she was always trying to get me to be better than her, to not ruin my life over a man, to matter. And that's why I'm a cop, Nick. Because no matter who is in my life or how people treat me outside the job, I matter when I'm there and when I'm working."

"You matter always," he said in a quiet voice, somewhat shocked by this revelation from her upbringing.

But Jennifer either didn't hear him or chose to ignore him. She continued on, "I've never deserved you, Nick. That's why I got so closed off after we lost the baby. I was far too happy with you, and it was only a matter of time before I ruined it. And I did. I couldn't keep our child alive, and I practically ran you out of our home rather than face it. And then when we got back together, I just kept waiting for that other shoe to drop. Because it always has." She wiped the tears from her face, since they'd stopped falling now. "You weren't on the squad with us when we ran into Brian, thank god."

"Brian?"

"Matt, Duncan, Simon, and I had a case with a murder victim in the prison. I ran into Brian Van Der Burgh, the man I'd been seeing when I was in uniform who treated me so well, was so sweet and sexy and fun. Till I found out he was married, when I dropped him as quick as I could and cried for a week over being used like that. And then a few months later, Brian was arrested for murdering his wife. He tried to blackmail me when he was in prison, threatened to tell everyone that we were having an affair when he killed her and I knew all about it."

"Christ, what a prick."

"I've not had the best track record. That one just seemed par for the course."

Nick frowned. "They can't have all been murderers."

"He was particularly criminal, but most men I've been with have turned out to be liars and cheaters and complete pricks. Thank god for the squad, though. They were there to help. And Wolfie took care of it." She paused, thinking. "You know why I love Homicide so much?"

"Because it's the best job in the world?"

"Yes, but more than the fact that I love the work so much, that squad was the first time I ever really felt like anyone had my back as much as I had theirs. Dunny and Matt and Wolfie and Waverly and even Jarvis…I never had a family before them. And you. You're the most important of all."

"We all love you, Jen, for everything you are. None more than me, though," he assured her.

Jen hugged him again, fiercely. "I just love you so much, and I can't bear the thought of ever being without you. I hate that it took you nearly resigning and then getting kidnapped for me to really understand. And I want to believe that you're going to stay."

"I will," he vowed. "Jen, I've wanted to be with you from the moment I met you, and that's never, ever changed. Even when I did leave because we were both drowning in grief, I would have much rather been together to deal with it. I thought it'd be easier for you if I left, but I was wrong, and it was the worst mistake of my life. Please believe that I want nothing more than to be with you forever."

She was standing out on the precipice, she knew. It was time to take the leap of faith. "I only want you to be happy and loved. And no one is ever going to love you as much as I do. And if you want to be with me, who am I to say no?" She began to kiss him, her hands holding his neck to anchor him to her. "This is it, Nick. This is our life. You and me. Together," she murmured against his lips.

Nick felt a flood of relief come over him. Everything about her finally made sense. He understood her now that she'd shared the darker doubts of her heart. And it only served to help him love her better. And he would. He'd love her as she needed and as she deserved. Nick put all that love into his kiss.

Jen could feel him getting hard again, and she wiggled a bit in his lap. He groaned into her mouth at the sensation. Nick rolled them over, using the last of his strength to try and make her happy. For the sixth time tonight.


	38. Chapter 38

Matt Ryan parked his car outside Nick Buchanan's perpetually under-construction house. He grabbed a six-pack of beer from his backseat and went up the walk to ring the doorbell.

There was a sound of movement inside. The light in the entryway went on and the door was opened. Jennifer stood there wearing a floral silk robe that Matt had seen her in before. Her hair was mussed and her eyes were wide with fear. "Matt!" she gasped.

"Jen?" Matt couldn't believe his eyes. They stared at each other, too shocked to speak.

Behind Jennifer, Nick came down the stairs. He wore only a pair of sweatpants. He stretched his arms and bare chest as he walked by. "Jen, you got enough cash to tip the driver?" he called over.

"It's not the food delivery," she replied weakly, her eyes not leaving Matt's.

Nick came to the door. "Matt! Oh Christ, we were going to watch the footie match! Aw, mate, I'm so sorry, I completely forgot."

Matt's mind went from frozen into hyperdrive. "Are you two sleeping together!?" he accused angrily.

"Yes." Jen knew there was no use trying to deny it. There wasn't any possible other explanation for why she'd answered the door to Nick's house wearing only a dressing gown while he was shirtless beside her. Jen tried to stand tall and strong but couldn't quite manage it. The fear in her face was too evident.

"Matty, come in." Nick put his hand on Jen's waist to move her out of the way so Matt could enter.

"How could you be so stupid!?" he scolded. "After what happened with Rhys and Allie? You want Jarvis to transfer one of you? After we just managed to save Homicide?"

"It's not like that," Jen tried to explain. Her voice was weak with apprehension.

"Yeah? The way I see it, it's exactly the same. But you're both older and more experienced, and you should know better!"

Nick stepped forward, tall and fierce. "Now hang on, you don't know anything about us, Matt. You're our friend but you're also our sergeant. We didn't go into this lightly. We're keeping a very low profile. And if I bothered to remember my own plans, you still wouldn't have known."

"You're gonna get yourselves in trouble," he warned.

"Not if you don't tell anyone," Jen pointed out quietly. "Please, Matty."

Matt looked at Jennifer and saw that she was close to tears. In all the years they'd been friends, he'd only seen her this upset on a handful of occasions. And he knew how important working on Homicide was to her. It was her whole life. If she was putting the job at risk, she must have thought it through. It must be important. A pang of irrational jealousy gripped his chest. Nick must be important.

"I won't tell anyone," he conceded. "But I swear, if I notice this is impacting your work..." Matt warned.

"It won't," Jen promised quickly. "But you're right. If it does, we'll have to make changes."

"Listen, give me just a minute to put some clothes on, and we'll watch the game," Nick offered good-naturedly.

"I should be going anyway," Jen added, pulling her robe closer around her body. If Matt was staying, she shouldn't be. Never mind that she only spent time at her own house now to get clean clothes since she had practically moved in with Nick since they'd gotten back together, but she wasn't nearly ready to spend time with anyone else who knew that she and Nick were a couple. Especially not Matt.

"Nah, you guys ordered food. Next time." Matt turned to go out. Jen exhaled in relief.

"There's a game next week," Nick said.

"Yeah, Thursday. If we're not working late, let's plan on that." Matt smiled kindly and quickly left the house, clearly feeling as awkward about the whole situation as they did.

Jennifer closed door behind him and leaned her forehead against it. "Oh my god," she groaned.

Nick put his hands on her shoulders comfortingly and kissed the side of her neck. "I know," he murmured. "I'm sorry."

She turned to embrace him, pressing her cheek to his bare chest. "That'll teach me to open the door at your house," she joked bitterly.

He held her tight in his arms. "Everything will be alright."

"Yeah, somehow it'll all work out," she agreed weakly. "But I don't want to think about that now."

"Then we won't. Let's just enjoy the rest of our night." Nick kissed her hair before releasing her from his arms. "I'm going to shower. If the food does get here, let me know."

"Right, yeah," Jen replied distractedly. She waited for Nick to go back upstairs before she went to her purse to get her mobile and make a call.

He answered on the second ring. "Hello?"

"Matt, hi, it's Jen."

"Yeah."

She was quiet, realizing that he was probably still upset and probably didn't want to talk to her. But she couldn't let this be, and she couldn't let it wait until they were at work. They couldn't talk about this at work. "Matty, I want to apologize for earlier. I know we put you in an awful position."

He sighed over the line. "I mean, it's not technically against any rules. There's no regulations in place preventing relationships. It's generally a bad idea though, which is why Waverly sort of insists on transfers. I know because I looked it up."

"You did? When?"

"Pretty soon after we met."

Jen felt bile rise in her throat. This was the last thing she wanted. She wouldn't tell Nick, but she was still so afraid that Matt held a bit of a torch for her even after all these years. "I'm sorry, Matt. I was so young and new back then. And then you had Emma and…" she trailed off, realizing suddenly that this conversation was going in the exact wrong direction.

"If I weren't with Emma when Nick came around…"

"No," she corrected quickly. "I mean…Nick and I knew each other before. He and I…it's really complicated." Jen could hear how ridiculous she sounded, but she knew this wasn't the time to tell Matt about the entire sordid, tragic history of her relationship with Nick.

"Just tell me, Jen, is he worth it? The risk?"

"Yes."

Matt was quiet for a moment, contemplating the definitive tone of her voice. "I'm not going to say anything, Jen, I promise. I just want you to be happy. And if he makes you happy and you two can still work together, then I don't want to ruin it."

"He does make me happy, Matt. He's…he's the love of my life," she admitted quietly.

"Wow, that's really saying something."

She laughed a bit nervously. "I haven't said that out loud before, but it's true. And I know we can still work together. We won't misbehave on the job, I swear. No one else is going to find out."

"If they do, it won't be from me."

Jen exhaled with gratitude. "Thank you, Matty." The doorbell rang, making Jen jump slightly. "Oh that's the door. Unless you're back, that is our food."

"Alright, see you at work tomorrow."

"See you." Jen put her phone back in her bag and went to pay for their dinner.

She and Nick didn't talk about Matt or about work while they ate. It all just felt very normal, and Jen couldn't help but feel strangely optimistic. Like everything might actually work out just fine.

* * *

Author's Note: My story On The Job takes place about a week after this chapter within this same Glances universe, if you want to check it out :)


	39. Chapter 39

Author's Note: This chapter references my story Hope, found on my author page. I recommend checking it out before reading this (it's very short), but it isn't strictly necessary.

* * *

Nick had seen Jennifer in almost every situation during their years together. They'd conducted raids, they'd held killers at gunpoint, they'd examined violently murdered bodies. And all the time, she was self-assured and strong, doing whatever was needed to get the job done. But this was very different. It was seemingly innocuous, but it obviously wasn't for Jen. She was nervous now.

For days, Jen had been full of anxiety, trying desperately to hold herself together. This was a good thing. She wanted this. She would enjoy this, surely. And Nick was so excited when he asked her, so delighted when she'd agreed. But she was now sorely regretting her decision to join Nick with his family for Christmas.

Jennifer hadn't grown up like Nick. He'd had happy Christmases as a child, full of the magic of Father Christmas and going to church and being a loving family all together. Jen had spent nearly every Christmas morning waking up to an empty house when her mother had run off to work, leaving only cold pancakes on the stove and a single gift wrapped in newspaper. Jen would eat her reheated pancakes that her mum had made for her before leaving and enjoy whatever little bauble she'd received. She didn't expect much more; Susan had to work three jobs to keep food on the table, and she always woke up extra early to make sure Jen woke up to pancakes, and she'd always saved up to make sure Jen had something to open, even if they never had a tree to put it under.

As an adult, she'd avoided her mother's house as desperately as she could around the holidays, choosing instead to join whatever friends invited her to join them. On year, she and Simon and Matty had chosen to get piss drunk at Matt's place. Last year, when she and Nick weren't quite together yet, he'd gone home to his family and she had gone with Duncan to a singles party at the beach. It was stupid fun and not at all Christmassy.

This year, however, would be wildly different than anything she'd done before. She clutched the bag full of presents tightly in her hand as she accompanied Nick up the walk to a large, old, beautiful house.

"How much do they know about me, Nick?" she asked, hoping her voice wasn't actually shaking like she thought it was.

He smiled curiously at her. "Well, how much does your mother know about me?" he asked in return.

"Too much," Jen replied bitterly. "But it doesn't matter because you aren't going to meet my mother anytime soon. She'll hate you."

"Why's that?"

"Because she's hateful." Jen paused on the porch. "We're already here, so please tell me what they know about me so I know how to act."

"Just act yourself. You'll be fine. Mum knows I've been seeing someone on and off for a while. Hope and Kimberly don't have any interest in my life. And Danielle knows everything."

"Everything?"

"When you went to see your mum and decided to break up with me, I came here and I told her our whole story. Not the top-secret SIS parts, but after we were undercover and when why it ended and how we work together. I knew you were going to end it, but Danielle told me to keep faith. She could see how much I love you." Nick smiled softly at her, trying to resist the urge to kiss her lips to ease the nerves, knowing that if he started he wouldn't want to stop.

"So your sister Danielle probably hate me. Wonderful," Jen grumbled.

Before Nick could refute that statement, Jen bit the bullet and rang the doorbell. The front door was answered almost immediately. "Nicky!"

A blonde woman threw her arms around Nick's neck and squeezed him tightly. He was still holding their luggage so couldn't embrace her back. "Christ, Hope, I can't breathe," he strained.

Hope let him go and looked up at him with a pouty look on her face. "You're getting sensitive in your old age."

"Considering I'm just barely healed from being tortured three months ago, I'd say I'm doing alright," Nick replied. "Now move so we can go inside."

Until this moment, Hope had paid no attention to Jennifer, but upon seeing her, the younger woman gasped. "Trish Claybourne!"

"Jennifer Mapplethorpe," Jen corrected, silently cursing the fact that Nick's sister remembered meeting her in a supermarket when they'd been undercover for the first time all those years ago, when Jen was just starting to get the idea in her head that she wanted Nick as more than her pretend-husband.

"No, I remember, you're Trish," Hope insisted.

"Who's Trish?"

A woman with dyed black hair and about a dozen piercings in various parts of her face sauntered down the stairs to join the conversation.

Nick sighed in exasperation. Being home was always such fun. "This is Jennifer. Not Trish. That was a long time ago, and we were undercover, and Hope, you were being obnoxious."

"You're not being very nice to me, Nicky," Hope pouted again.

"Quick acting a twit, and he'd be nicer to you," the other woman snapped.

"Listen to Kimmy," Nick agreed. "Jen, this is my sister, Kimberly," he introduced.

Jen and Kim shook hands. "You're really beautiful," Kim complimented with a smile.

"Yes, she is. But you can't have her. Back off," Nick growled.

Kim threw her hands up in surrender but winked at Jen nonetheless.

"Kimmy, would you stop constantly flirting with every man and woman you meet? Honestly, I worry about what you get up to in Sydney, you and that artist collective of yours."

They were joined by yet another woman. This time, it was clearly Nick's mother. Jen immediately walked up to greet her. "Mrs. Buchanan, thank you so much for inviting me for the holiday. I'm Jen."

"It is so lovely to finally meet you, Jen! You must call me Eloise." Nick's mother pulled Jen in to a big, warm hug. "Now then, Nicky, go show Jennifer your room and get yourselves settled, and by the time you come back down, Danielle should be back home from the market."

Jen followed Nick up the stairs, trying not to think about the way three sets of eyes were following her, for three different reasons. Once they were at the landing and out of view, she slapped his arm rather roughly.

"Ow!"

"You did not give me sufficient warning!" she hissed.

"Well you met the worst of them first, and it wasn't so bad. Hope is a bit of a pill and Kim tries to shag everything that moves, but Mum's nice, right?"

"I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't this," Jen replied weakly. "Your mum's rather…open…isn't she?"

"What do you mean?"

"Commenting on Kim trying to flirt with me, immediately assuming we should share a bedroom…"

"Yeah, I guess. She's weird about some things, but she's always been really good with all of us about things like that. God forbid there ever be anything stronger than sherry in the house, but she had this lovely tradition of giving us all a box of condoms on our fifteenth birthdays."

"She what?!"

"Yeah, when I was fifteen, Hope was barely three, and she found them and made water balloons."

Jen began to laugh, just as Nick opened the door to their bedroom. His childhood room, where nothing much had changed since he moved away at age eighteen. She wandered around, looking at all the cricket posters on the walls, the framed photographs of birds, and one of very young Nick and a man who was his spitting image.

Nick saw her looking at the photo and explained, "Dad got sick not long after that."

"You must miss him," Jen ventured kindly.

"Not usually. I was just a kid when he died, I don't remember him too much, though the girls don't really have any memories of him, they were so young. But there was one time I wished he was around so much, my whole chest ached."

"Oh?"

"I just wished I could ask his advice on how to propose to you."

She turned to him with wide eyes. "You what?"

"You were pregnant."

Jen immediately understood."Oh yeah, I suppose I was."

They went quiet, Jen leaning into Nick's side as he put his arm around her shoulder as they looked at the old photograph.

"Oi! You two can shag later! Danielle's back with the food!" came Hope's shrill shout.

They went downstairs, and Nick volunteered to put the presents under the tree while Jen found her way to the kitchen to introduce herself to the final Buchanan sister.

"You must be Jennifer," Danielle said upon seeing her.

"Yeah, hi, Danielle, right?"

Danielle smiled and pulled Jen into a very gentle hug. And Jen decided immediately that she liked her. Her voice was soft, she had beautiful features like Nick—both of them seemed to favor their father while Hope and Kim seemed to take after Eloise. Danielle immediately seemed calm and warm, instantly putting Jen at ease. "I've heard a lot about you," Danielle said after releasing Jen from her embrace.

"In that case, I'm sorry."

But Danielle shook her head and smiled again. "I've never seen Nick so happy. Even when he came here miserable over you, he was happy. And you see him every day. You must know how happy you make him."

"I'm starting to understand. It's been…complicated."

"I know. But you're here now, and we're all glad to have you."

Jen knew that she was probably a few years older than Danielle, but in that moment, Jen suddenly felt like she understood what it must be like to have a big sister, someone to support and protect and guide with love and wisdom. Jen resisted the impulse to just fall into Danielle's arms and cry cathartically. That wouldn't have been very festive for the season. "Can I help with the cooking?" she asked instead. Danielle accepted the offer without hesitation.

While Jen and Danielle were busy making dinner, Eloise and her other daughters sat in the living room with Nick, grilling him about his girlfriend. After all, he'd never brought a woman home before. He fended them off as best he could, giving drabs of information without revealing too much of their muddled saga.

Dinner itself was a lively affair. Full of laughter and teasing and more love than Jen had ever witnessed. Nick had an openness about him that she rarely saw. As much as he whined about his family, proclaiming how annoying they could be, he was truly at peace here at home among them. Though he did turn a lovely shade of pink when Hope decided to start asking Jen about how Nick was as a cop and what it was like working with him. Jen wasn't sure if it was the silliness of the questions or the earnestness of her answers that embarrassed him more.

"He's the best detective I've ever seen. Honestly. I love working with him. And that's not just because I'm in love with him. He really is incredible," she said, placing a hand on his thigh under the table to show her affection for him.

There was a pause at the table as everyone processed Jen's proclamation of love. Kimberly broke the silence. "Hang on, didn't you just get kidnapped, Nick? Can't be too good if you let that happen."

Nick shrugged. "Jen saved my life."

"Yeah, I did. So maybe I am a better cop than you," she teased.

Everyone laughed, the tension all gone from the room. Soon enough, they finished eating and all shared the chores of cleaning up. It went rather quickly with the six of them pitching in. After that, everyone changed clothes to get ready for midnight mass.

Jen did a rather good job pretending she'd ever been inside a Catholic church before. She followed the lead of those nearby and mumbled her way through the hymns and tried not to look too awed by the majesty and ritual of everything. Thankfully, only Eloise and Hope went up to take communion; the rest of the Buchanans stayed in the pew so Jen didn't feel bad about remaining where she was. All in all, a long but lovely way to spend Christmas Eve.

Everyone was rather exhausted by the time they returned to the house. A chorus of four women said goodnight to Jen and to 'Nicky' as everyone retired to their rooms.

"You've never seen a mass before, have you?" Nick asked her as they changed into their pyjamas.

"No, but I rather enjoyed it. I'm glad I went, Nicky," she replied with a mischievous smirk.

He groaned, "Oh don't call me that. It's the stupidest nickname."

She chuckled. "I don't think I'll use it much. I'm not one for any sort of nickname. Though I do like that you call me Jen."

"That's your name. You don't seem like a Jenny."

She grimaced at that name. "My mum still calls me Jenny. I used to be okay with it, but I've tried to avoid it since I became a detective. It's a bit too cute for me. I've got enough trouble with people taking me seriously.

"I couldn't imagine calling you Jenny, so that's just as well," Nick replied. "I'll stick with Jen or Jennifer.

They got into Nick's rather cramped bed and snuggled together. "I'll stick with Nick. Or would you like me to call you Nicholas?"

"No, because my name is Nick."

"Not Nicholas?"

"Nope. Just Nick."

"That seems so strange," she laughed lightly.

He shrugged. "Take it up with my mother."

"You know, I just might."

Nick chuckled and kissed her forehead. "Go to sleep, Jen."

"Before we do, I wanted to give you your Christmas present."

He felt a shiver of arousal jolt through his groin thanks to the tone of her voice. "And what might that be?"

She sat up and pulled her top off. "Well, I figured that you probably had a lot of fantasies lying in this bed as a teenager, and I was thinking I could make some of them come true. So long as we keep quiet. I know your mother gave you condoms when you turned fifteen, but I don't think she needs to hear what you'd use them for."

Nick didn't say a word as he pulled off his shirt and watched Jen wiggle out of her bottoms before pulling down his, tossing all their clothes onto the floor.

"So? How do you want me first?" she asked in a low, sultry voice.

His mind was swirling with the possibilities. "On top," he finally decided.

Jen straddled him, his growing hardness trapped underneath her wet heat as she kissed him hard and grinded her hips against him. She swallowed his moans. Her fingernails raked down his chest as his hands travelled up her thighs and hips and waist before cupping her breasts, sensuously rolling the flesh between his fingers. Jen pulled out of the kiss to take his cock in her hand and guide him into her. She began riding him frantically. His hips thrust up to meet her movements, entering her hard and deep. Jen took her pleasure on him, biting down hard on her lower lip to keep from crying out as she came. She slowed and stilled as her walls fluttered around him.

Nick lifted her off him and helped her lay on her stomach. He covered her with his body, opening her legs and nudging his throbbing cock between her bum and back down into her wetness. He pounded into her,, not caring that this angle caused the bed to squeak. Luckily, he quickly led them to a nearly simultaneous release. Jen didn't mind one bit when he practically collapsed on top of her. Her face was buried in his pillow to muffle her screams of pleasure. She was exhausted and sated.

They finally rolled over together and snuggled up to go to sleep, neither bothering to put any clothes on. If anyone came in to find them naked, it was their own fault. Jen could imagine at least one of his sisters heard something and would congratulate them in the morning. She grinned at the thought. The Buchanans were such a lovely family. Odd and a bit loud and overly personal but kind and funny and warm. Now that she and Nick were committed and together, Jen felt pleased that she had been welcomed into the family that she now loved very much.

"Merry Christmas, Nick," Jen murmured.

He kissed her forehead. "Merry Christmas, Jen."


	40. Chapter 40

Author's Note: Please read Starting With A Dance (on my author page) before this chapter.

* * *

All morning, Jen was annoyed by the dull pain in her abdomen. The cramps weren't usually this bad before her period, and she was far too busy at work to deal with it. She shifted in her desk chair, complaining in her own mind. Christ, it hadn't been this bad since...

She jolted at her realization and hurried to the women's toilet. Jen locked herself in the stall. And sure enough...blood. Not menstrual blood. She knew that from experience.

Jen felt tears fill her eyes and guilt take root in her stomach. She heard the bathroom door open and she clamped her hand on her mouth to keep her sobs inaudible. Allie was grumbling about something or other. Jen couldn't bother to listen. The younger detective wasn't in there long, thankfully. After Allie had washed her hands and left, Jen took a few deep breaths, cleaned herself up as best she could, and went back out to her desk with a forced smile on her face.

"Coffee, anyone? I'm headed out for a bit," she announced when she returned to her desk. Duncan and Allie took her up on the offer. Nick and Rhys were out talking to a witness.

As Jen drove home, she kept her mobile on her lap, vacillating on whether or not to call Nick. Eventually, she decided not to. There was nothing either of them could do. No use ruining both of their afternoons with all of it. She'd be fine in a few days anyway.

When Nick returned to the station later in the day, he knew something was off with Jen as soon as he sat at his desk beside her. She was trying very hard to appear natural. He watched her for a moment, trying to figure out what it was.

"Are you wearing a different suit than when you came in today?" he asked quietly, ensuring no one would overhear.

"It's my gray suit," she replied simply.

"You've got two gray suits. You were wearing the one with black buttons earlier. This one's different."

"Bloody detective. I went out for a coffee run earlier and spilled all over my jacket and trousers so I went home to change," she lied. She really had hoped no one would notice, but of course Nick did. It was actually really sweet; he noticed everything about her.

Soon. She'd tell him soon. He deserved to know. After all, they were in this together.

But as the days went by, Jen lost her nerve. How could she possibly tell him that she'd had another miscarriage? How had she not known she was pregnant? Honestly, it was a blessing they hadn't known; as much as she wanted to believe their relationship was stronger now than it had been the first time, she really wasn't sure if they could handle all the excitement and heartbreak again. At least now all she felt was guilt. Horrible, crushing guilt. They finally, _finally_ found their way to each other, and they were happy. Work was great, Jen had been fully integrated into the Buchanan family, and everything was working out just fine. And Jen's body had betrayed them as it did before. She just couldn't bear to have him disappointed in her again.

For almost a week, Nick tried to find a way to talk to Jennifer. She'd been quiet and distant. They hadn't had sex—which wasn't a problem, it was just unusual for them. Perhaps that was just the natural progression of things. It had been just over six months since Dane Majors, so perhaps the exciting novelty of living together and having sex anywhere and everywhere was wearing off. They were happy and stable and together. But she seemed to be retreating inwards again, being quiet and distant from him. It was Nick's nature to be patient, to not push her, to wait for her to open up. Nick knew, however, that it was that very attitude that had broken them in the past. Jen wasn't one to share. If he didn't get her to open up, she never would.

They were in bed one night, having just turned out the lights. Nick was lying on his back with his arm around Jen's shoulders as she snuggled against him, her cheek on his chest and her arm draped over his stomach. "You alright?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah I'm fine," she insisted, tilting her head to press a gentle kiss to his neck.

He wouldn't give up that easy. "Are you sure? You've been quiet the last few days."

"It's fine."

Nick frowned, noting the hollow note in her voice. He pressed soft kisses to her hair and held her close. "Jen, please talk to me," he whispered.

She realized she needed to be brave, to tell him the truth. It wasn't good for her to keep it to herself, and it was cruel to shut him out this way. "You remember a few weeks ago when I had that stomach bug?"

He recalled the week of his cousin's wedding when she'd been a bit queasy but pressing through regardless. Had she pushed herself too hard while she was sick? "Yeah, is it bothering you again?" he asked with worry.

"No, I don't think it was a stomach bug. Well, not like that." It was a bug in her stomach of some sort, she thought to herself ruefully.

"Jen, what do you mean?"

"Five days ago...I um...well it wasn't as bad as last time, but I had horrible cramps and my back hurt rather badly and then...the blood..."

Nick realized what she was saying. His heart constricted in his chest. "Oh Jen, I'm so sorry."

She continued, now that she'd overcome the initial barrier of telling him. "The nausea must have been morning sickness. I didn't feel like that last time, so I didn't even think that I might have been pregnant before I miscarried again."

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, trying not to be hurt.

"I didn't want to upset you again," she admitted in a small voice.

"Jen, you can't keep things from me. Not like that. Not again," Nick told her adamantly.

"I know, I'm so sorry." Jen buried her face in his t-shirt.

Nick rubbed soothing circles on her back. "I just want to be there for you."

She sighed, "I know, but I just...I'm sorry I can't give you children." There. She'd said it. The elephant in the room and the shame she had never admitted aloud. She couldn't give him children. He deserved to be a father, and she couldn't give him children.

Her apology shocked him. Did she honestly think he would somehow feel differently about her if she didn't mother his children? The very idea that she alone wouldn't be enough for him seemed almost laughable, after all they'd gone through to be together. "Jennifer, I don't care if we ever have kids. I only ever need you. I love you."

Jen went silent, not quite knowing if she really believed that. "I love you, Nick," she eventually replied.

They were quiet for a moment while they held each other in the darkness of their bedroom. But Nick broke the silence. "Let's get married."

"What?"

"I'm serious. You are all I ever need. And we can be happy just the two of us, I know we can. Jen, will you marry me?"

Jen just beamed and nuzzled against him. "Go to sleep, Nick. We'll talk about it in the morning."


	41. Chapter 41

Author's Note: This chapter encompasses Nice Dress, found on my author page.

* * *

Nick almost felt a little silly, standing there in his nicest suit, the one she'd complimented him on a while ago, wearing the green shirt she'd once said was her favorite on him. It was odd to wear an expensive suit with a shirt he'd worn to work last week, but it felt right, somehow.

Everything over the last month had felt right. Incredible that it had only been a month. Nick had proposed, once again in an awkward fashion in the midst of emotional turmoil. The first time, it had been his way of begging her to stay, to keep her from breaking up with him, which she'd done anyway. This time, she'd told him she'd miscarried again and apologized for not being able to give him children. And so, to ensure she knew that he loved her and didn't care if they could have children or not, he'd asked her to marry him.

She hadn't said yes. She hadn't said no, but she certainly hadn't said yes. Nick avoided the subject the next morning, hoping he wouldn't need to walk it back or put his foot in it any further. Jen didn't mention it for nearly two days.

But then, over dinner in their kitchen, she'd causally said, "You've got a rostered day off on the seventeenth. That's a Friday. I put in with Wolfie today to take off the sixteenth and seventeenth. I thought that would be a good weekend for it. Maybe get a hotel somewhere, what do you think?"

"For what, a weekend away?" he asked, slightly confused.

"Yeah, for our wedding. Just a magistrate's office in town probably, but we should take a day or two off, yeah?"

He stared at her, shocked. Jen started laughing, her turquoise eyes sparkling merrily. "Really?" Nick breathed in disbelief.

"Yes, of course! I wanted to look at our schedules and make some plans before we got too excited, but you think we can wait a month?"

He started to laugh as well. "Yeah, I think a month is fine." Nick rubbed his hands over his face, still not quite processing this development. "Jennifer, are we getting married next month?"

"I'd certainly like to," she replied. Jen could tell Nick still didn't quite know which way was up, so she leaned across the table and kissed him. "We're going to get married, Nick," she murmured against his mouth.

And that was how it happened. They made an appointment with the magistrate for the seventeenth. Jen had insisted they spend their last night as unmarried people apart, citing a fondness for that superstition, so she'd been getting ready for the wedding at her little house while Nick stayed at his. Theirs, really. They hadn't spent a single night in Jen's house since they'd gotten back together. Perhaps she'd sell it, now that they were going to be married, but she might want to keep it. Either way, it didn't much matter to him.

Nick checked his watch, the one she'd gotten him as a replacement for the one destroyed by Dane Majors hitting him with the car. He'd gotten to the magistrate about ten minutes early, nervous, for some reason. No reason to be nervous. The irrational worry that she wouldn't show up was entirely unfounded. She'd show up. She loved him. They were ready for this. And yet…they'd made the appointment for three in the afternoon, and it was only a minute till, and Jen still hadn't arrived.

Then, right on time, a knock came at the office door. The magistrate's assistant opened it and announced, "The bride has arrived."

Nick turned to see a heavenly vision that made his heart stop. Jen walked in wearing a beaming smile and the most perfect wedding dress he'd ever seen. It hugged her every curve and showed off her well-toned arms. Her hair was pulled up off her neck, though some tendrils curled around her face. The fabric spread into a train, following her as she came toward him.

"Tried not to be late, but I figured you couldn't start without me," she quipped. Jen stood in front of him, beside the magistrate.

The stern man began to speak, though Nick honestly didn't hear a single word. He just stared at the ethereal woman in front of him, his whole being fit to burst with his love for her. This was really real. This was really happening. After years and years of yearning for her, waiting for her to be ready, giving everything he had to give, they were finally standing together to be married.

He'd imagined they'd have a small, intimate wedding in a church hall somewhere, surrounded by friends and family, but that wasn't really an option for them right now. Maybe someday. But so much of their relationship had just been kept between the two of them and away from everyone else; it made sense that's how their wedding would be, too. This was all they needed, after all. Just Nick and Jen.

Somehow, they'd gotten through repeating the civil ceremony vows. As soon as the magistrate instructed, Nick pulled Jennifer close to him and kissed her as deeply as they could manage in this setting. He wrapped his arms around her and was surprised when his hand came in contact with her bare skin. It wasn't until they turned to sign the marriage certificate that Nick saw that her dress was draped to expose a large expanse of her back. She looked utterly incredible.

They walked out hand in hand, both smiling in a rather giddy fashion. "Do you mind we didn't do rings?" he asked as he led her out to his car.

She shook her head. "No, I'm glad we didn't. Because I wouldn't want to wear it out where everyone could see, making people ask questions. And I'd be heartbroken if I had some beautiful wedding ring I couldn't wear. It's better this way. For a while, anyway, until we're ready to tell people."

"And when do you want to tell people?"

"We should tell your family soon. Your mother is going to kill us both when she finds out we got married without inviting her. Hope will probably throw a fit as well. Danielle and Kim should be pleased when we tell them, though. We can announce it the next time we're all at the house," she suggested. "My mother doesn't need to know. And obviously we'll keep on as we have at work."

Nick hummed in agreement. "We'll keep ourselves to ourselves."

"Exactly." Jen turned her head to kiss his cheek. "Nick, we're married now!" she realized, practically squealing in delight.

"And now it's time we celebrate our wedding night in style." He held the car door open for her to get in without getting her dress dirty.

"Where are we spending our wedding night?" she asked, once he got in and started the engine. "You told me to pack a bag, so I assume we aren't going home."

"No, not home. But you'll see."

They drove through Melbourne, holding hands the entire way. Jen traded between watching the city go by and sneaking looks at her new husband. Nick tried to pay attention to the road, but he was somewhat distracted by his beautiful wife. Wife, what a thing to think!

"I hope this will do for the next two nights," he said, smirking as he parked the car at the valet.

Jen gasped. They'd ended up at one of the most incredible hotels in Melbourne, a place she'd never imagined she'd ever stay. "Nick, you can't be serious."

"Of course I am. We got married today. That calls for a proper posh celebration," he replied.

They checked in and went up to their suite. Jen was gaping at the whole thing. "We cannot afford this."

"We saved a lot of money not buying rings or a whole honeymoon trip. So we're going to splurge on this. And this was my last purchase as a single man. We're married now, so what's mine is yours."

"So I've married into your debt, is that it?" she teased, still gazing at the resplendent room around them.

He watched her with a soft smile. "Something like that. But I figure only the best for my wife."

That made Jen pause. Her face broke out into a wide grin. She sighed happily, turning to him. "Nick, I'm your wife. And you're my husband," she realized aloud.

"And what would you like to do now, Mrs. Buchanan?"

Jen looked as though she might hurt herself smiling so much. "I can think of a few things." She put her arms around his neck, moving ever closer to him.

Nick pulled her close, making sure their hips collided before the rest of their bodies, lest there be any confusion about his intentions. "Let's see how we fare in our spousal duties, eh?" he growled before crashing his lips into hers.

Jen moaned into his mouth as they began to find their martial bliss.


	42. Chapter 42

Jen was doing her best not to be upset over the fact that Nick was in an absolutely foul mood. She wanted so much for them to have fun tonight, but he seemed to be refusing any sort of good feeling. She'd need to find a way to change that right away.

Tonight was the Policemen's Ball, a fundraiser the State Police threw every five years or so to benefit the families of officers killed in the line of duty. It was a wonderful cause and a wonderful excuse to get dressed up in black tie formal. Nick had grumbled the whole time he'd been getting ready in his tuxedo. And really, Jen couldn't quite blame him. They'd been married eight months and had barely had time for themselves. They'd hoped to get away this weekend to celebrate, but they were stuck going to the ball. Nick was rightfully annoyed to spend his birthday at a formal event and not wrapped around his wife in bed.

Not even the sight of Jennifer in a flowing aubergine strapless gown had cheered him up. He told her how beautiful she looked and kissed her bare shoulder before they'd left the house, but he remained quiet and sullen as they approached the grand hotel ballroom.

He'd mellowed slightly when they'd found the rest of the squad. Allie looked to be in a similar mood to Nick; she sat at the table with her chin resting on her hand and obscuring the view of her simple but elegant black gown. The rest of their crew all immediately glommed on to Jen.

"You look amazing!" Rhys gushed.

"I like the tone of surprise, thanks," Jen replied sarcastically.

The young detective's eyes were wide as he looked her up and down. "No, seriously, you look incredible. Who would have thought!?"

Duncan started to laugh. "You should've seen her when she started on Homicide. All fresh and wide-eyed. Now she's bitter and mean." Jen smacked his chest for that remark. He only laughed harder. "See? Violent, too."

Matt had been very quiet through this teasing. He was watching Jen with a look on his face that Nick didn't like one bit. But she could handle herself, and he needed a drink. He left Jen with their friends and headed over to the bar.

"Having a nice time, Buchanan?"

He turned to see Waverly coming behind him. "Just arrived, ma'am. Lovely event, though."

"Just arrived and right to the bar? Should I be worried about my Homicide squad?" she asked with a small smile.

"Well, I'll admit it's not quite how I wanted to spend the evening."

"You look wonderful in your tuxedo, if that's what's bothering you."

Nick felt himself blush a bit. "Thank you, ma'am, but no, it's actually my birthday today."

"Ah. Yes, I'd imagine you'd prefer to celebrate elsewhere," she conceded. "But cheer up, Buchanan. You can still have a fine time. Have a dance or something."

He downed his whiskey in one go. "Commander Waverly, would you like to dance?" he offered.

She looked surprised yet rather pleased. "Actually, Detective Buchanan, I would."

Nick let Waverly take his arm, and he led her to the dance floor.

From where she was standing amongst her friends, Jen watched Nick and Waverly begin to dance. She wasn't sure if she wanted to laugh or not. He was such a gentleman, and they both loved Waverly, but they did make an odd-looking pair. Still, Waverly moved rather elegantly; Nick was a good leader, as Jen knew from experience.

"Jen, may I have this dance?"

She turned to see Matt holding out his hand to her. In spite of herself, she smiled and nodded. They did a weak sort of shuffling to the rhythm. Matt was doing his best, so Jen humored him.

"I take it you and Nick are still together?"

Jen raised her brow curiously. "You think you'd have noticed if we broke up?"

"You did say he was the love of your life. I feel like it would be pretty noticeable if that ended."

"We're still together," she confirmed.

"You worried he'll leave you for another woman?" he joked, nodding his head over to Nick and Waverly.

Jen nearly told Matt the truth, that she and Nick were very happily married, but she bit her tongue. If they were going to tell anyone, Nick should be a part of it. She wouldn't tell Matty without talking to Nick first. So she merely said, "I'm feeling pretty secure. But how about you, Sergeant? Seeing anyone?"

Matt shrugged. "I've been out a few times. But I'm pretty busy with work. Haven't had much time."

Before Jennifer could respond, tell him to keep putting himself out there and sometime a nice girl would appreciate him as he deserved, they were interrupted.

"Alright, piss off, Matty. You can't monopolize the prettiest woman in the room," Duncan insisted.

Matt relented, taking a step back so Dunny could take his place. Jen just laughed. "You're a smooth one, aren't you, with your honeyed phrases and your smart tux?"

"I do pretty well for myself," Duncan replied with a wink.

"And yet you're here with me, and Nick is over there charming the boss," she pointed out.

He laughed, "We can't all be Nick Buchanan. You know, he and Simon were pretty epic together back in the day."

"Oh was he?"

"Yeah, the three of us would compete over who could get the hottest girl in the bar. Nick was always weird about it, though."

"How so?"

"Never wanted anything to do with blondes."

Jen frowned. "When was this?"

"A few years ago. It was pretty soon before I got in all that trouble and you replaced me on the squad while I was out."

"Ah." That had been just after their first horrific breakup. That made sense. The slight jealousy Jen had felt, knowing Nick had slept around in a manner rivaling Simon and Duncan in those days, was tempered by knowing he couldn't be with blondes presumably because they reminded him of her. Which was strangely sweet in a way. But they were married now, so it wasn't really anything to worry about.

The song ended, so Jen and Duncan returned to the table, taking a seat and resting their feet for a while. Nick had already returned, having thanked Waverly for the dance.

"Allie, you're not dancing?" Jen asked.

"Not with any of this lot," the younger replied snidely.

Nick's eyes twinkled mischievously. "And to think I was just going to ask you to dance."

"Well, you I'll dance with. You're harmless," she conceded.

Matt, Rhys, and Duncan all looked at her with varying levels of surprise. Rhys looked rightfully bashful. Duncan chuckled in conceit. And Matt looked rather put out. "What's wrong with me?!" their sergeant asked.

"Nothing. But you didn't ask me, and Nick did." Allie stood up from her seat, and Nick went back out to the dancefloor with her.

Jen watched them dance and smiled. Allie was right, Nick was harmless to her. It was plain to see now that Nick treated Allie a lot like he treated his sisters, with patient understanding and firm guidance. It was really sort of lovely.

"Maplethorpe!"

The incorrect pronunciation of her name in that tone could only mean one person was behind her. "Superintendent," Jen greeted, turning to see Terry Jarvis looking thoroughly displeased in his tuxedo.

"Dance with me," he commanded.

"Pardon?"

"Waverly says I've got dance and act like I'm having a good time, so you, come dance with me." She hesitated, wanting to ask why he wanted her, of all people. Jarvis seemed to hear her thoughts. He groaned and rolled his eyes, "You're the only woman I know who isn't married to someone I shouldn't rile up. Now come on, I'm no letch."

Jen couldn't help thinking that she was in fact married to someone he shouldn't rile up, but Jarvis didn't know that. "Yeah, alright," she replied resignedly. Jen got back up from her chair and let Jarvis take her for a spin around the floor.

They hadn't spent more than a minute swaying to the music before Nick and Allie came up beside them. "Care to swap, sir?" he asked.

The look of sheer indignation on Allie's face was almost enough to make them all start laughing. But Jen didn't give anyone much of a chance to protest. She twirled out of Jarvis's arms and into Nick's as he led Allie around to Jarvis.

"That wasn't very nice to either of them," Jen pointed out, once they were happily in each other's arms.

"You didn't seem too opposed."

"It's your birthday. I wasn't going to deny you."

Nick smiled softly. "It's my birthday, and I want to dance with my wife. And I'm very much looking forward to getting out of here so I can kiss my wife, too."

She sighed melodramatically, "I'm afraid we won't be leaving."

"What?"

"I figured we were already in a hotel, we might as well make the most of it. So I've booked a room for us for the night. I've got the key in my purse. Our stuff is already up there."

"Oh, you're wonderful."

"Happy birthday, Nick," she said with a soft smile.

For the first time all night, Nick was finally feeling good. "Shall we get out of here?"

"God, yes." Jen had ideas for how to celebrate Nick's birthday, and they couldn't do much of anything until they escaped their colleagues.

Nick and Jen opted for an Irish goodbye, exiting without telling anyone they were going. They did feel a bit bad about it, but they had more important things to get on with, up in a hotel room far away from everyone else. As the elevator doors closed, Nick nuzzled into his wife's neck. "Thank you for this."

"You don't have anything to thank me for yet. I've got some things planned for you. Since it is your birthday."

"All I want for my birthday is you," he insisted, pressing a kiss just below her ear.

She hummed happily. "Well, you are getting me for your birthday. But I like to think I've got quite a lot to offer."

Jen led the way to their room and opened the door, locking the deadbolt behind them.

"Alright, I'm going to get some things ready. You ought to strip down and wait for me here. Maybe light the candles," she told him, pointing to the beautiful pillar candles she'd placed all around the room.

Nick did as he was told, removing his stifling tuxedo and tossing all his clothes off to the side and going around the room completely naked to light the candles, eagerly awaiting what sort of delights Jen had in store for them.

"Can you give me a hand with this?"

He turned at the sound of her voice upon the opening of the bathroom door. His jaw dropped. Jen was wearing nothing but some black lace knickers, and she had handcuffs locked around one of her wrists. "Oh my god," he breathed, staring at her bare breasts, looking rather pert being exposed to the cool air in the room.

"I know we've done this before, but it's been a while and I had some ideas," she explained, walking toward him and turning around so he could lock the handcuffs behind her back.

"Jesus, Jen," he said hoarsely, staring at her bum perfectly shaped by the lace covering the top half. He couldn't wait to dig his teeth in to that curve just at the top of her thigh.

As soon as her wrists were confined behind her, Jen turned back to him with a seductive smile. "Happy birthday, Nick." She lowered herself to her knees, being very careful with her balance.

He watched as she leaned in and traced her tongue down the length of him, causing blood to rush straight to his cock. She normally got him going with her hands before she used her mouth, but now it was just her lips and tongue, and Nick could feel his knees going weak. She teased his cock with her kisses, waiting for him to be completely hard before taking him inside her mouth. She moved her head back and forth, sucking him hard. "Christ," he swore, his eyes practically rolling back in his head thanks to her erotic efforts. But he knew he probably would be able to rally for more than one round tonight, and this wasn't how he wanted to come. He had more he wanted to do with Jen in handcuffs, so he backed away from her, breathing heavily.

Jen needed a bit of help standing up, but she was a bit breathless herself. "Get the candles," she instructed.

An electric jolt went through him. They'd talked about this before, as an idea they might want to try at some point, but he wasn't entirely prepared for her suggestion. A few of the candles had melted enough for a pool of liquid wax to have formed in them. Jen got onto the bed, lying on top of her arms handcuffed behind her. "You sure?" he asked her, ensuring she was ready for this.

She nodded, feeling her whole body practically vibrate with anticipation.

Nick took one of the candles and tipped it, allowing the hot wax to drip over her chest. She gasped, writhing under the sharp, seductive sensations. The noises she made were unlike anything he'd heard from her before. He put the candle down on the nightstand and pulled her into his arms, relieving the weight from her arms and bringing her skin to his lips. He followed the drying lines of wax with his tongue, paying special attention to her dark, rosy nipples, pulling them between his teeth in turns, making her moan with want. He put her down and got the candle again, dripping wax on the flat plane of her stomach, groaning at the way her muscles twitched at the contact.

"Oh god, Nick, I need you," she moaned, the ache between her legs too much for her to deny anymore.

Nick picked her up to stand by the end of the bed. He took his time, kneeling down to pull her knickers to the floor and biting her just as he'd wanted to earlier as his fingers teased her dripping wetness.

"Please, Nick," she begged, barely able to remain upright.

He stood up behind her, grabbing hold of the handcuff chain for leverage and bending her over. Taking himself in hand, Nick guided himself inside her. They both moaned loudly and the sensation of Nick stretching and filling Jen, standing still for a moment to enjoy the feeling. But Nick couldn't wait any longer. He pulled out of her completely and slammed back into her, pounding her at a frantic pace. Jen couldn't manage much more than high-pitched gasps as he took her hard. He felt so good, so right, so strong and powerful and perfect. It might have been his birthday, but Jen felt like he was giving her a gift tonight. She came twice by the time he spilled into her.

They both collapsed on the bed, Nick barely rolling off her. Their panting filled the room. Jen's whole body tingled in satisfaction, though that was probably also due to oxygen deprivation as much as her orgasm; her face was pressed into the mattress and with the handcuffs, she couldn't manage to move.

Nick thankfully noticed her slight struggle. "The key in the bathroom?" he asked."

She nodded as best she could. He got right up and uncuffed her. She pushed herself up and rolled onto her back, her arms over her head as she stretched her sore muscles, smiling all the while.

"That was incredible. Thank you, Jen."

She grinned. "Just wanted to give my husband a nice birthday."

"Best birthday I've ever had. And even if you hadn't let me live out my sexual fantasies, it would still be the best birthday I've ever had. This is the first birthday I've gotten to spend with my wife," he pointed out.

Jen chuckled, "You're going to be disgustingly sentimental about our marriage for the rest of our lives, aren't you?"

"Probably," he confessed.

"Good. Me too." She rolled over and kissed him softly.


	43. Chapter 43

How had she gotten here? Jen's mind was whirling in every direction and she knew she needed to focus. Retrace her steps. What had she done to get herself into this mess?

It all started on her first day back from the week away in Adelaide. She had requested time off to visit her mother, which she certainly had no real intention of doing, and Nick had invented a wedding in Perth for a childhood friend. He left from work three days after she did, and she returned two days before him, so as to stagger their time off from work and throw off any suspicion. And while the squad thought they were off in opposite sides of the country, Nick and Jen had instead spent their one-year wedding anniversary at a beach resort in Adelaide on a proper honeymoon trip, albeit a year late.

Jen took a moment to think back on their trip, swimming in the crystal blue waters, sitting on the sandy beach watching her gorgeous husband wearing only his swim trunks, making love to him every day in every possible manner they could think of. Her body practically tingled at the memory.

As soon as she'd returned to work, however, she'd been put on a new case. Three young women had been brutally tortured and then drowned before their bodies were tossed off the side of the highway. Jen had thrown herself into it a bit too enthusiastically; she missed her husband and wanted nothing else but to go back on vacation with him, so for two days she did nothing but work this case. And she got very, very close.

So close, in fact, that the killer had gotten spooked by her investigation, which she'd stupidly done on her own, and attacked her.

And that was how Jen had ended up tied to a chair in a cellar somewhere, barely holding off her panic, trying to stay calm and focus her mind on a solution. Unfortunately, she couldn't seem to find one.

Nick came home from Adelaide to an empty house. He had hoped his wife would be there to greet him, but he wasn't too surprised that she was at work. She would be home eventually, or if not, he'd return to the police station in the morning and see her then. After all, they did just spend a whole week wrapped in each other's arms. They could spend two nights apart.

But Jen wasn't at the station when he came in. And wasn't that strange? He tried to casually ask about her. Rhys said she'd gone out on a lead the night before but hadn't checked in, so she'd probably gone home after. Nick knew that wasn't true, but he wouldn't press it.

By the late afternoon, however, he was worried. He'd gotten up to speed with their serial killer and could see how Jen would have gotten deeply involved in this case. But where was she? Her mobile went right to voicemail. Against regulation, he put a KALOF out on her car. At least maybe that way someone might find it and call in and give him a clue of where she might be.

An hour later, Jarvis stormed over to his desk. "Oi Buchanan, did you order a KALOF on a vehicle?"

"Yes, sir," he answered stoically.

"You got a hit at this address. It's a public pool in a bad part of town, and to my mind, it's got nothing to do with this case, so you better explain yourself."

Nick felt his blood freeze. "He drowns them," he whispered.

"What?"

"Our killer," Nick explained, his voice returning to him as adrenaline began pumping through him, "He tortures the girls and then drowns them. And we haven't gotten the pathology reports on the water in the lungs to know where it came from. We were assuming he puts their heads in a bathtub or something wherever he's torturing them, but I bet this is where he's doing it. She bloody found him, Christ!"

Nick grabbed his car keys got up from his desk, ignoring Jarvis yelling at him. Nick went right to the gun locker and signed out his weapon before getting in his own car and speeding to the address the KALOF had given.

Meanwhile, Matt had overhead this exchange and knew it could only mean one thing. He checked the KALOF and knew it was Jen's car. And if Nick was worried, it had to mean Jen was missing and Nick thought she was in danger. "Nick and Jen are gonna need backup. Allie and Duncan, you get over there right away," he ordered. And as soon as the detectives were off, Matt went to the unenviable task of explaining his understanding of the situation to Jarvis.

Nick arrived at the public pool to see Jen's car parked out front. He drew his weapon and entered from an open side door. Everything was eerily quiet. Nick crept through a long, dark hallway, searching for any sign of Jen or the suspect or anyone else. But there was nothing.

At last, he came upon the indoor pool. At first glance, nothing was amiss. But there was a dark shadow in the deep end of the pool. It was hard to see in the dim light. Nick saw, upon closer look, it wasn't a shadow. It was a figure. Tied to a chair. With blonde hair floating in the water.

"Jen!" he cried out, panic gripping every part of him. Without another thought, Nick threw his gun aside and dove into the water.

Allie and Duncan arrived just in time to see Nick jump in. Duncan immediately called the ambos, and Allie ran around in search of the perpetrator.

Nick hauled Jen, chair and all, to the shallow end and toward the steps at the side of the pool. He pulled out his pocketknife cut her ties with shaking hands. She wasn't awake, and she wasn't breathing.

Once he got her out of the water, he began CPR. Duncan couldn't bear to watch and ran out of the room to wait for the ambos.

"Come on, Jen. Come on. Please, come on," Nick begged. A lump in his throat made his voice crack and tears threatening to fall had blurred his vision. But he just kept chanting those pleading words as he applied chest compressions and held her nose to blow air into her mouth.

And then finally, she sputtered and coughed up the water invading her lungs. She was breathing again, gasping for air.

Nick pulled her up into his arms, practically crushing her with the desperation of his embrace. He didn't care that there was still a killer on the loose or that the blare of sirens had sounded nearby. He pressed kisses to her hair and face, pushing away the strands that stuck to her skin.

Jen was shaking uncontrollably. It may have been from shock or from the cold or from something else, but Nick just held her tight.

An ambo came to check on them both. "Mate, you want to bring her over here?" the man asked gently.

Nick carried Jen over to the ambulance. They both dripped everywhere along the way. "She's...she's shivering," he said somewhat stupidly. He wasn't sure what else to say. He wasn't sure that words existed to properly express his worry for this woman whose life he had saved, who he loved more than anything in the world.

He placed her on the gurney carefully so the medics could do their job.

"Nick," came her hoarse whisper.

He turned to see her reach a shaking hand toward him. Immediately, Nick held her hand in his, silently vowing to never let her go. He met her eyes, and in her gaze, he could see everything he needed. She was okay. She wasn't going to leave him. They'd be alright.

The next twenty-four hours were a sort of weird déjà vu. Jen was rushed to the hospital to treat her for being nearly drowned to death. The doctors determined she'd probably been technically dead for about ninety seconds before Nick's efforts had restarted her heart. She was damned lucky. They both were.

Nick stayed by her bedside in the same vigil she had kept while he'd recovered from his run-in with Dane Majors. They'd done a good job for more than a year keeping their relationship off the radar, but they couldn't have cared less in that moment. Nick needed to be near his wife, and Jen needed her husband by her side.

"I think I've seen this scene before, though your roles were reversed."

Jen looked over and smiled. "Hello, Sarge."

"I asked for you and the nurse said your partner was in with you," Stanley said.

Nick purposefully looked away.

"Mmm," Wolfie hummed with knowing resignation.

"I'm doing fine. I'll be back at work in two days, they said. I know I just had time off, so I won't be out for recovery too much," she promised.

The sergeant was about to protest, to insist she take time to heal properly, but he didn't want to fight with Jennifer right now. "Desk duty for a month."

"A month!?"

"Don't argue, Jennifer, or I will put you on forced leave."

Nick watched the exchange and smiled. Jen had never really had a father figure in her life, but she had Stanley Wolfe, and he was better than any proper father could ever be. It filled Nick with a great sense of pride to work under a man with such integrity and compassion, a man who believed in Jen almost as much as Nick did and was similarly concerned for her safety.

"And you, Buchanan? Nice first day back from holiday? How was Perth?"

"Raining," Nick replied, having already checked the weather report where he was supposed to be staying for the last week.

"Nice tan from all that rain," Stanley noted. But before anyone could argue, he continued, "I just came to let you know that Allie made the arrest. She and Duncan took the interview and got a confession. And I wanted to check on Jen and give my well wishes. I can't tell you how glad I am for both of you, that you're alright. Nick, I trust you'll see that she gets home after she's discharged."

"Yes, sir."

Wolfe left, and Nick and Jen shared a slightly worried look. "How much do you think he's figured out?" Jen asked with concern.

"I doubt he'd know we're married, but he's known for a while that we're together, I think."

She nodded. "Yeah, I think he figured that out when you were lying in a hospital bed and I was a complete mess. You know I actually hugged him and cried onto his jacket?"

Nick chuckled, "That would give it away, yeah."

"I was worried about you. I had to save the life of the man I loved. It was a stressful day."

"And today I did nearly the same. I suppose we're even now, saving each other's lives."

Jen reached out so he'd hold her hand. She gave it a squeeze. "Let's not try and one-up each other on this anymore, eh?"

"Agreed." He pressed a kiss to her fingers. "I think desk duty for you will do us both good. I need to have you safe for a while."

"You're gonna be eating your words when you've got to go on a raid with Rhys," she teased.

"Hopefully we won't have anything too exciting until you're back in fighting condition. You know there's no one I'd rather have beside me. On the job or anywhere else."

She smiled softly, stroking his hand with her thumb. "I know."


	44. Chapter 44

Nick was all out of sorts having Jen back at work on regular duty. When she was chained to the desk, he always knew where she was and could trust that she was safe. But now she was all healed and cleared for work, and he was a mess. She'd nearly died—she had actually died for a few seconds—and Nick wasn't prepared for that kind of worry again.

His fears seemed realized when Rhys called into the station and reported that the witness he and Jen were supposed to talk to had run out of his house firing a gun. Jen had fired back. The guy got away and no one was injured, but even so, Nick felt as though he were about to vomit.

As soon as Jen returned, he pulled her into the break room, away from prying eyes.

"Are you alright? Are you sure you're alright?" He held her face in his hands and stroked her hair, needing to feel for himself that she was whole.

"Yes, I'm fine, I promise," she assured him. "I know this was a lot so soon after the…swimming pool, but this is the job, Nick. You know that. We both do."

He pulled her into his embrace, crushing her against him. "I know. I know you're right. I know this is the job." Nick buried his face in her hair, breathing in her scent, letting it wash over him and calm him from the inside out. "I just can't help but see your lifeless face whenever I close my eyes."

Jen nodded against him. She'd felt the same way after he'd survived Dane Majors, but they'd been so overwhelmed trying to save Homicide and not knowing what their jobs might be, they didn't have as much time to worry. Now, everything was stable, and worrying was all Nick could do. And they were married now. Things were different.

"I love you so much, Jen," he whispered.

She lifted her head up to him. "I love you, too. And I promise I'm careful. I don't wanna leave you, Nick."

Those words broke him. Never mind that they were in the breakroom and anyone could walk in at any moment. He leaned down and kissed her soundly and deeply. The taste of her tongue was a balm on his soul. As long as he could kiss her, everything would be okay.

They went home that night and made love as though they might not get another opportunity. It was slow and reverent, full of passion and all the love in their hearts.

The following morning, Jarvis walked by and barked each of their names and blew through to his office. Nick and Jen looked at one another with confusion and quickly followed the superintendent.

"Yes sir?" Jen asked nervously.

"Close the door." His voice was quiet and dangerous.

Nick did as he was asked and stood beside Jennifer, awaiting whatever outburst Jarvis was barely concealing.

"Alright, which one of you is it?"

They frowned at him, confused.

Jarvis continued, "You know you can't shag members of the squad. One of you's gotta go."

"Technically that's not an official rule," Jen interjected.

"Well maybe it should be, eh Maplethorpe!?" he shouted. "It distracts focus, it creates questionable loyalties, and it's a complete mess. So either quit it with each other before the work suffers, or I've got to transfer one of you."

Jen was frozen with panic, her turquoise-gray eyes wide and blank as she contemplated the fact that her fear from the last three years had been realized. They'd been found out and it would ruin their careers.

But Nick wasn't so easily intimidated. "I hardly think our work's being affected, Superintendent."

"Well maybe not yet, but it will. It always does," Jarvis said knowingly.

Nick just smirked. "I have to disagree. We've been married for over a year now and no one's had any complaints."

Jarvis was struck dumb for a moment. He looked from Nick to Jen, eyeing them each up and down. "What, no rings?"

Jen let out a snort of laughter, out of relief more than anything else. She immediately thought of the beautiful wood engraving Nick had made to hang above their bed, two wedding rings entwined. They had the permanent symbol of rings in their home; they didn't need them on their fingers. "I don't need a ring as long as I've got my partner by my side. In a raid or in interview or when we go home at night." She reached over and took Nick's hand as a show of strength and commitment.

"What a load…" Jarvis barked a laugh. "I never pegged you for one to cheap out, Buchanan! How'd you get her to agree to that crap?"

"You want to give us the afternoon off? We'll go buy some rings right now," Nick taunted, smiling teasingly.

Jarvis waved them off. "Nah, get back to work.

"So you're not going to transfer one of us?" Jen asked with hope in her voice.

"Why would I? You're the most effective pair on Homicide."

Both Nick and Jen were beaming with pride. "Thank you, sir."

As they turned to leave his office, Jarvis called after them, warning, "But quit snogging in the breakroom! No one wants to go make a cup of tea and see you two going at it!"


	45. Chapter 45

Everyone could tell that Jennifer was visibly bothered by this case. She was looking around with narrowed, suspicious eyes. Jen wasn't normally so on edge at a crime scene. And this one seemed rather cut and dried. Gordon Chester was found dead by his wife and young son when they returned from a week-long trip to see her mother in Sydney. He'd been stabbed twice in the stomach and bled out. The kitchen knife that killed him had been left next to him on the floor of the dining room, but the handle was wiped of prints. Ronnie determined he'd been dead for about six hours. All that was left for Homicide was to figure out who had killed him and why.

"I'll get started on the door knock," Jen offered, telling Wolfie and walking right out the door to get started talking to the neighbors.

"Duncan, you go with her," the senior sergeant instructed. He watched Jen leave with slight concern on his face. This taciturn behavior could be expected from Allie or Rhys or even Matt, but never from Jennifer, in his experience.

"Jen, hold on," Duncan called, jogging to catch up with her. "Wolfe put me on this with you."

"Right, then. Let's start across the street."

"Why not next door? More likely to have heard something."

Jen shook her head, marching through the street to the house across the way. "This one's got a better vantage point. Maybe someone was out on the porch and saw something."

Duncan detected a hint of bubbling rage from her and for the life of him, he couldn't figure out what it was about. He just followed Jen up the front steps and she rapped on the door. As they waited for an answer, Jen checked her watch for the time. Eight thirty. She looked at the very full ashtray sitting on the porch railing and scoffed.

The door opened a moment later, revealing a woman with bleached blonde hair and a confused expression on her face. "Jenny?"

"Hi, Mum."

Duncan's eyes went wide as he looked from Jennifer to her mother, a woman who looked barely old enough to have a daughter who was nearing forty. "Uh, Mrs. Mapplethorpe, I'm Detective Duncan Freeman. Do you mind if we come in and ask to a few questions?"

Jen's mother laughed in a charming and friendly fashion. "Not Mapplethorpe, dear, my name's Hayes. You just call me Susan, alright? Jenny's father skipped out when she was six and all he left us with was a pile of debts and a daughter with his awful name."

Jen's expression tightened. Duncan took note. "Of course. Susan, what do you know about the family across the way?"

As Susan began to lead Duncan into the house and gossip about the neighbors, Jen hung back slightly. She had never been here in her official capacity before. When she came home, she shed everything that made her DSC Jennifer Mapplethorpe and was reduced to just being Jenny in a matter of seconds.

When she caught up to Duncan, she found him grinning as her mother laughed, putting her hand on his arm. Jennifer rolled her eyes.

"Mum, Mr. Chester across the way is dead. You know anything about that?" she asked, cutting right to the chase.

"Jenny, don't talk like that about something so awful!"

"We're homicide detectives. This is our job."

The mother and daughter stared each other down. Suddenly Duncan wasn't having fun anymore.

"Answer the question," Jen demanded quietly.

"I knew the Chesters. Like anyone knows their neighbors. They were nice. Don't suppose the wife and kid will stick around after this. What happened to him?" Susan asked.

"Stabbed twice in the stomach," she replied harshly.

Duncan was slightly stunned by the way Jen spoke to her mother. Usually, she could be counted on to perfectly read a witness or suspect and treat them accordingly. No one was gentler with children and frightened people than Jennifer Mapplethorpe, but she was fierce and unforgiving when interviewing a suspect. In most ways, the perfect detective, and Duncan always trusted her when they were working together. This, though, was out of character. She was sharp and almost cruel with Susan in a way he hadn't know she was capable of. He'd thought she was angry at first, but there was no anger to be found now. She was just cold and almost flippant, as though speaking to her own mother was an annoying little task and nothing more.

Susan pressed her fingers to her mouth as tears filled her eyes. "Oh how awful." Her voice was quiet and muffled behind her hand and strained with emotion.

"We may need you to come into the station for an interview. Please don't leave town," Jen said in a cold tone. "We'll be in touch." And with that, she marched out of the house, Duncan trailing behind in her wake.

"Oi, what the hell was that?" he asked, once they'd made their way back out to the street.

"We've got more door knocks to do," Jen replied, ignoring his loaded question.

Eventually Duncan and Jen got back to the station and everyone gathered in the briefing room. Stanley Wolfe stood up front by the board after Allie presented the initial facts of the case and Gordon Chester's life. "Alright, theories?" he requested.

Jen stood up with a photograph. The charming face of her own mother was pasted up on the board. "Neighbor across the street. Susan Hayes. Other neighbors noted that Gordon went back and forth to Susan's house quite a bit, particularly late at night. I think they were having an affair, things went bad, he probably tried to end it, she got mad and let him have it before she ran scared."

"Sounds like a good place to start," Allie commented.

Duncan interjected, "Yeah but what Jen's not saying is that's her mum!"

Jen rolled her eyes in annoyance.

"Jeez, Jen!" Allie exclaimed. "I hate my mother for ruining my life, but I wouldn't pin her for murder."

"I don't hate my mother, Allie, and she didn't ruin my life. But I'm objective enough to know she'd be capable of this," Jen responded.

Rhys walked in with pages he'd printed. "Susan Hayes has an arrest record a mile long."

"Your mum's got an arrest record?"

Jen just shrugged, somehow numb to the whole nightmare of everyone finding out exactly where she'd come from.

Rhys had to laugh. "Jen, how'd they ever let you become a cop?"

"Different last name."

"You'd think we'd have a better system."

"Yes, you'd think, wouldn't you?"

Woflie got the back on track. "Right, Jennifer, if your mother is a viable suspect…" He looked to Duncan who nodded subtly. "Okay, Jen, you're off the case."

"What!?" she protested. "No, Sarge, I'm not compromised, I swear!"

"She's your mother, Jennifer. You can't be a part of this. I'll call Buchanan in. It's his rostered day off, but we can't run an investigation one man down."

Jen huffed in frustration as she left the briefing room. She stopped by her desk to grab her things, and she was out of the station before anyone else could try to catch her and ask about Susan Hayes. Jen had her own questions about Susan that she intended to get answers for.

She barged in through the front door without knocking. "Right, I've been taken off the case so tell me right now what the hell happened," she shouted.

Susan came out from the kitchen absolutely livid. "Jennifer Margaret Mapplethorpe, don't you dare speak to me that way in my own house! I don't care if you're grown, I'll put you over my knee, I swear it!"

Jen almost laughed. "I'm a detective! I carry a gun!"

"You ain't got one now though, do you?" Susan fired back.

They paused and Jen took a deep breath to calm herself. "Mum, you've gotta tell me what you know."

Susan didn't have a chance to respond. The doorbell rang. Jen swore under her breath. She had hoped for a little more time.

"I'll get it. You stay in the kitchen for now," Jen instructed. She waited for her mother to leave the room before she answered the door.

Nick was waiting on the porch and smiled softly when he saw her. "I had a feeling I'd find you here."

"Yeah, well…" Jen replied with a shrug and a chagrinned expression. She looked over Nick's shoulder. "You came alone?"

He nodded. "I think Wolfie thought it might be easier on everyone this way if I were the one to do it. Little does he know I've never met your mother."

"I'm surprised he didn't take you off the case as well."

"Officially, there'd be no reason, would there?"

Jen looked down at her shoes on the worn porch where her mother liked to stand and chainsmoke after her shifts. "Are you here to arrest her?" she asked him quietly.

"Yeah."

She steeled herself and nodded resolutely. "Okay." Jen turned and led Nick into the house and collected Susan from the kitchen. "Mum, this is Detective Buchanan. You've gotta go to the station with him." She looked back to Nick with an expression of pain and guilt and fear.

Nick met Jen's eyes and gave a subtle nod before he pulled out his handcuffs and walked forward. "Susan Hayes, you're under arrest for the murder of Gordon Chester."

But before Nick could finish telling Susan her rights, she interrupted. "Hang on, what's your name?" she demanded.

"Nick Buchanan, ma'am."

Susan's eyes went wide. "Nick? Jenny, is this that Nick?"

Jen just nodded quietly, terrified of what was about to happen. She knew her mother would have to meet Nick eventually, but she hadn't thought it would be when he came to arrest her.

"You little bastard. You absolute dickhead bastard, do you know what you've done? You knock up my daughter and then leave her when she miscarries? I don't know what you did to get her to take you back after that but there is nothing you can do to make up for the devastation you caused." She pointed at Jen and raised her voice from a low, dangerous tone to an emotional, hysterical yell. "My Jenny's a great detective and a great woman, and you bloody broke her, you know that?"

"Yes, I do."

Both Susan and Jen were stunned by Nick's calm response.

He continued, "You're right about me, Ms. Hayes. I got her pregnant and then I left her when her heart was broken from losing our baby. And I don't need to tell you everything that's happened between us since, but just know that I have been paying for that mistake for years, because I left when she needed me. I'm lucky enough that Jen gave me another chance, and I'm lucky to get to work with her every day. Because you're right about her too. She's a great detective and the best woman I've ever known."

Jen watched her husband agree with her screeching mother and prayed that this confrontation didn't go any further. She hadn't told her mother that she was married, and she was rather certain that Nick didn't know she'd kept it to herself. And that was an entirely different conversation that didn't need to happen now.

But Nick knew not to say too much. His words had the intended effect, calming Susan down. "I've got to take you to the station, ma'am," he reiterated quietly.

Susan allowed Nick to cuff her and escort her to the car. Jen stayed in the living room where she was, knowing she wasn't allowed to follow. She heard the engine of Nick's car roar to life and drive away. After a minute or so in silence, Jen left her mother's house, locking the door behind her.

It was very late by the time Nick arrived home that night. He had not had such a strange day in a very long time, and this was not one he wanted to repeat. And despite the late hour, he selfishly hoped that Jen hadn't fallen asleep yet. He needed her.

As if reading his thoughts, she appeared on the staircase in her pyjamas, a very concerned look on her face.

"Hi," he greeted softly. He opened his arms tentatively, unsure of what sort of mood she might be in after the strangeness of her own day.

Jen rushed into his embrace, holding him tight around his middle and burying her face in his chest. "I love you," came her muffled voice.

Nick kissed the top of her head. "I love you, too. And I'm sorry for all the mess."

She looked up and took his hand, leading him toward the sofa. "How did the interview go?" she asked, bracing herself for the news that her own mother had confessed to killing a man.

"I didn't do the interview. I didn't think it would be good for me and your mum to have a recorded conversation in front of our bosses. Duncan and Rhys did it."

Jen nodded, waiting for him to continue.

"I watched, though. Me and Matt. Though Matty paid more attention to my reactions than anything else. But you know Matt."

"Nick!" she exclaimed in exasperation. He was purposefully giving her superfluous information.

"She's innocent, Jen. We released her. She went home."

Jen exhaled in relief. "Thank god," she breathed.

"You were right, though. She admitted to having an affair with Gordon Chester. Apparently he'd sneak out of his house to hers a few nights a week. She'd actually seen him the night before he died. But she was closing at the bar where she works when he was killed. We got confirmation from the bartender and the busboy who were on duty with her. She left the bar at three. Ronnie's report has Gordon Chester's death at between eleven and midnight," Nick told her.

"How was she? In interview? Difficult, I expect?"

Nick actually started to chuckle. "No, I think she was trying to charm Dunny's pants off. I couldn't tell what Rhys was more concerned with, the fact that he was talking to your mother or the fact that he wasn't the one getting female attention."

Jen put her face in her hands. "God, how am I ever gonna explain her to anyone? They're all going to think I'm nuts, coming from a mother like that! It's a wonder I didn't end up like her, some rage-filled nymphomaniac criminal."

As much as he wanted to laugh, Nick knew better. He put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her against him. "The squad all knows you, Jen. We know you're nothing like that. Though you don't talk about your mum much, so now that I've met her, I do have some questions."

"I guess I do owe you some answers," she conceded.

"You and your mum were all each other had growing up. Why are you so distant from each other?"

"Other than the fact that she's spent my whole life getting arrested for minor assault against the endless parade of boyfriends she'd fight with down the hall from my room? Or the three waitressing jobs she worked, making sure I never saw her during regular hours? Or besides the constant reminder that I have my father's name and he's a good-for-nothing dickhead who ruined her life?"

Nick was a bit shocked, both by the content of her words and the stoicism with which they were said. "I guess that answers it," he replied, knowing he should probably back off.

Jen hugged him close and explained, "No, honestly Nick, it's no big mystery. My mother is hard as nails because life has been very cruel to her, and she raised me to make sure I didn't let that happen to myself. She's always done the best she could, but it was always very clear to me that she never wanted a child in the situation she was in. Not that she didn't love me, because I know she always did, in her way, but because she knew she could have been so much more and wanted to give me more and couldn't."

"She's a fighter. And so are you. Neither of you back down for anything. I could see her in interview today, that same intelligent spark and that fierceness that I love so much in you. I know she wasn't the best mum in the world, but you turned out absolutely incredible."

Not knowing what to say in response, Jen just lifted her head to kiss Nick gently.

He hummed happily against his wife's lips. "Time for bed, I think. We've both got to go to work tomorrow, since your mother is no longer a suspect. I bet Wolfie will at least let you back in the building."

They trudged up to bed and held each other close as they fell asleep, each needing the other's quiet reassurance.

The next day, Wolfie did indeed let Jen go back to work, though she was relegated to doing paperwork as the rest of the squad continued to work on finding who killed Gordon Chester. Allie followed up on a lead of her own and closed the case. She went back to the house and spoke with Mrs. Chester, who had discovered a number of her valuables missing after the initial shock of finding her dead husband had delayed her investigation of the rest of the house. Allie spoke with Armed Robbery about their fence informants, and by the end of the day, they'd arrested the robber who'd arrived at the Chester house and scuffled with Gordon, stabbing him to escape with the jewelry.

Jen told Nick she'd be home late that night and knocked off just before dinner, heading back over to her mother's house. Susan answered the front door with a very bitter expression.

"Mum, I was hoping you'd let me take you to dinner. As a sort of apology, I guess."

Susan glared at Jen for a moment. "You catch the killer?"

"Yeah we did. Robbery gone wrong," Jen replied.

"Right then. You can buy me dinner for letting your bloody boyfriend arrest me for murder. And since he came by so quick, I'd bet you're the one who tipped him of, eh?"

Jen averted her eyes. "Erm, yeah, I sort of did. I thought you'd had an affair with him and things got out of hand. I'm sorry."

Susan touched Jen's arm gently. "Nah, it's alright, Jenny. After the number of times the cops had to come get me after I roughed up one of my men when you were a kid? Couldn't be too far off for you to think. And you were wonderful. Seeing you in action like that? Tough as nails. I always knew you were a great cop."

"Thanks, Mum," Jen replied, feeling flattered by her mother for the first time in her life.

They got into Jen's car to head to a restaurant. Jen stayed quiet, never knowing how to talk to her mother.

"I guess you didn't get rid of that Nick when I told you to, when you came running back here about it," Susan said, breaking the silence.

"I did, actually. But we got back together a while later. He almost died, actually, and that sort of put it in perspective for me."

Susan rolled her eyes and groaned, "You never could think through things like this, could you? Always letting your emotions get the best of you. I don't care if he is gorgeous, you're gonna get your heart broken. He'll leave you again. They always do."

Jen didn't respond immediately. She wasn't going to allow her mother to bait her into a shouting match. "I think he's pretty committed to me," she said simply.

"One of these days, I'll be right. You'll see. Man like that isn't the type for proper commitment."

"Mum?"

"Yeah?"

"Nick and I have been married for a year and a half."


	46. Chapter 46

"Jen?" Nick yelled into the house.

She was sitting on the sofa, nervously awaiting his return home. "In the living room!" she called back.

"Close your eyes, I've got a surprise for you."

Jen laughed to herself. "Alright, well I've got a surprise for you, too."

"Mine first," he insisted. "Are your eyes closed?"

"Yes!" she replied. Her heart beat rapidly in anticipation, coupled with her anxiety she'd been fighting against for days. Jen should have known Nick had something planned for their anniversary, despite his decision that they not make a fuss. They hadn't had a big wedding, they'd postponed the honeymoon trip until their first-year anniversary, so why should the second anniversary be anything too exciting? Little did Nick know, Jen had decided to make this anniversary a very special one indeed. She'd waited three days just so she could give him this anniversary gift.

She could hear Nick walk through the house and stop in front of her. "Alright, open your eyes," he instructed. "Happy anniversary, Jen."

Jennifer was greeted by two yellow-green eyes looking into hers. "Oh!" she exclaimed in surprise.

Nick put the grey tabby cat onto her lap. "This is Kevin. I know you used to have Jerry, so I thought it was time you had a new pet. I've never really had a cat before, but it seemed like the perfect way to expand our family. From two to three."

Jen began to pet Kevin's little head and he immediately nuzzled against her and began to purr. And Jen began to cry.

"Oh Christ, this was an awful idea. I didn't want to replace Jerry. Oh Jen, I didn't want to make you upset. It's our anniversary, I'm so sorry. I'll take him back."

He reached down to pick up the cat but Jen stopped him. "No, it's perfect. I love him. Don't you dare take him away." She took a deep breath and wiped her eyes. "I suppose the crying was going to start eventually," she said to herself. "Nick, sit down. I want to give you my surprise."

Nick sat on the sofa beside her, absent-mindedly scratching Kevin behind the ears. "What's your surprise?" he asked warily.

"Don't be worried. It's a good surprise," she assured him. "Particularly since you just brought home a cat in an attempt to grow our family."

His heart jumped to his throat. Nick blinked with wide eyes, too afraid to jump to any conclusions.

Jen started laughing, unable to contain her joy. "Nick, what would you say to growing our family beyond just you and me and the cat?"

"I...Jen..."

"I'm pregnant," she finally said.

His jaw dropped. "We're going to have a baby?" Nick couldn't quite allow himself to really believe it.

"Two, actually. Twins." Jennifer beamed in delight.

"Twins!?" Nick was dumbfounded. "You're sure? You're absolutely sure?"

"I'm thirteen weeks along. And I'm a bit surprised you haven't noticed. I'm gaining weight like crazy. None of my trousers fit properly anymore."

"I did notice, actually. But I know better than to comment on a woman gaining weight," he teased. But Nick was quickly returned to the present. He stood up, pacing in his amazement. "Thirteen weeks? When did you find out?"

She watched him walk back and forth in front of him, enjoying his overwhelmed reaction from her seat on the sofa, still petting Kevin. "I first suspected about a month ago. I went to the doctor and got the test and cried and asked a million questions. And I didn't want to tell you in case...in case it happened again." She swallowed the lump in her throat. "But I went for the twelve-week appointment three days ago and I saw their tiny little heads on the monitor and I heard both their heartbeats and oh Nick I wish you'd been there but I couldn't bear if it went the other way."

Nick pushed Kevin off Jen's lap and pulled her into his arms, interrupting her babbling. "I know. I know. But this time is different. We're married. Everything is fine. And we're going to be parents. I love you so much, Jen." Now he was babbling himself. But he couldn't help it. He kissed her and held her tight.

Jen pulled herself away from him. "Hang on, I've got a picture!" She dashed over to her purse and took out a manila envelope. On her way back, she picked up Kevin and snuggled him on the sofa as Nick sat beside her and they looked at the first photograph of their children.

"Are they boys or girls?" he asked, tracing their little blurry faces on the photo.

"Too early to tell. When we go in next month, we can find out. Assuming you want to come with me and you want to know," she added with a smirk.

"You can't keep me away," he insisted. Nick held the photo in one hand and placed his other on Jen's slightly rounded stomach. "And if there's two of them, we probably should find out, yeah?"

She placed her hand on top of his and nodded. "Yeah, I think it'll help. We've got a lot to prepare for. Six months isn't a whole lot of time. We'll have to buy things and come up with names. And if we know the gender, we'll know what names to come up with."

"Any ideas so far?" he asked.

"A few. More ideas of what I don't want to call them, actually. Nothing after any family members. At least for me. Do you want to name a boy after your dad?"

Nick felt a tingling in his heart at her suggestion. It was kind and thoughtful, but it took him a bit by surprise. And because of that, he shook his head. "No, I don't think so. I've got my middle name after him. Charles. And my dad was great, but he died so long ago. There are people who have been more important in my life that I'd rather name them after."

Jen nodded. "That makes sense. I think it might be nice to have middle names after people and come up with first names we like. Maybe similar to people we want to honor, maybe. Like your mum. She's wonderful and a child would do well to have her to look up to. But I don't think I want to name our daughter Eloise. If we have a daughter. But maybe something similar?"

"What, like Louise? Ellie?"

She shrugged, "I dunno. Maybe. It's something to think about."

"Yeah." Nick leaned over and kissed her temple. "We've got time for that. But I'll have to get going on the nursery sooner rather than later. I can finally finish it."

Jen snuggled against him. "It's already halfway done. I really love the green and white. And I'm so glad you left it like that. It can be a happy room now."

"I think we should keep the door open from now on. Keep it aired out and clean. We've just got to get furniture I think. Cribs and a changing table and things."

"We're going to have to get two of everything," she realized with a nervous laugh.

"We'll manage," he assured her.

The thought of the expense got Jen thinking about work. The hand that had been stroking Kevin's tail stilled. "We'll have to tell people. Soon. I don't know how much longer I should be working. I've got to get on desk duty immediately. Who should I talk to, d'you think? Wolfe, probably." She put both her hands on her womb, protecting the babies growing inside. "I can't go in the field anymore. I might have to leave work now, actually." Jen's gaze unfocused and she muttered to herself, "I've gotta keep them safe."

"Wait a few days. Till next week, maybe," he recommended.

"Why?"

Nick pulled her into his embrace so she was halfway sitting on his lap and buried his face in her hair. "I just want this to be ours and only ours for a little while longer."

Jen stroked his cheek lovingly. "It'll be hard to hide pretty soon. But I know what you mean. We've kept our whole world so private for so long, it seems weird to need to tell people now. But you know what?"

"Hmm?"

She whispered, "This will always be ours. They're our children. Yours and mine. And you and I are going to be parents now for the rest of our lives."

Tears of joy pricked Nick's eyes. He held his wife close, cradling her and their children she carried, feeling his heart expand to make room for two more in their growing family.


	47. Chapter 47

"We could tell everyone all at once," Nick reminded her.

Jen gave him a dirty look. "He's our friend. He should hear it straight from us first."

"They're all our friends," he pointed out, watching her start the kettle to make tea. He sat on the sofa with Kevin purring in his lap as they waited for their guest to arrive.

"Yes, but he's the only one who will be upset if he isn't told first. Besides, he's he only one of that lot who actually knows for a fact that we're together."

Nick grinned. "Can I be the one to say we're married?"

She rolled her eyes. "It's really annoying that you always have to one-up him when it comes to me."

"Well, it's really annoying that Matt is still jealous of me for being with you," he fired back.

She gave a sad smile. Privately, she agreed with Nick, but she would never forget the importance of Matt's friendship when she first started on Homicide and was hurting so much without Nick in her life. "Nick, you are my husband and the father of my children, so you're the winner and no one can ever take that away. So quit trying to prove yourself," she scolded lightly, giving him a quick kiss. The doorbell rang before he could pull her back for more. Kevin, never interested in visitors, jumped off Nick and bolted upstairs to hide under the bed.

Jen went to answer the door and felt a violent wave of nausea overtake her. She pressed her hand to her mouth to tamp it down for a few minutes so she could greet Matt. But to her horror, the morning sickness had other ideas. When she opened the door, she opened her mouth to say hello but instead vomited at his feet. She ran off to the bathroom, leaving a very confused and horrified Matt Ryan on the porch. "I'm sorry, I'm pregnant!" she called behind her.

Nick came to the door, trying not to laugh. "That's awful, sorry, mate."

Matt just stood there, vomit seeping into his socks. "Has she thrown up on you?"

"No, never."

"Well, she likes you better than me," Matt grumbled.

Nick just grinned. "I should hope so, considering she's carrying my babies."

Before Matt could respond, Jen returned, feeling much more herself. She carried towels to help Matt clean up. "Here, Matty, I'm so sorry! I'll get you some of Nick's socks and shoes, and I'll pay for the cleaning," she promised.

"Don't worry about it," Matt replied with slight disgust. "But you're pregnant! Jen, that's amazing, yeah?"

She beamed. "Yeah, it is. And even more amazing, we're having twins!"

He laughed, "So you can have a baby Mapplethorpe and a baby Buchanan!"

"Oh, Nick, I'll have to get around to changing my name now," she remembered suddenly, "since we didn't bother before."

"Before?"

Nick smirked. His time had come. "Yeah, two years ago when we got married."

"Two years!?" Matt exclaimed in surprise.

Jen just nodded. "And now that I'm going to blow up like a bloody balloon, there's no way we can keep it quiet. And I'm going to talk to Wolfie tomorrow about maternity leave. We wanted to tell you first, though," she told Matt with a smile.

That cheered him right up. And once Matt had gotten all cleaned up, Nick got beers for the men and a cup of herbal tea for Jen, and they all sat on the sofa together chatting like old times. Matt asked all sorts of questions about when they got married and when Jen was due. They excitedly showed him the nursery, which had just gotten a fresh coat of mint green paint and a newly cleaned white rug. When they'd told Nick's mother about the pregnancy, she'd cried with joy and took Jen up to the attic of the old Buchanan house to show her the rocking chair she had used when she was nursing all four of her children. It was old and battered, but Jen fell in love with it. Nick sanded it and painted it white and it now sat in the middle of the nursery, waiting for the other furniture to join it.

"It's so strange," Matt mused as he stood in the unfinished nursery, "that just seven years ago, Jen had just started as this brilliant rookie on Homicide. All young and inexperienced. And then Nick joined the squad what, five years ago?"

"Almost six," Nick corrected with a nod.

"Yeah, and in six years, we went from all being mates and detectives to now I'm a sergeant, you two are married with twins on the way, and everything feels so much the same but so different."

Jen sat in her rocking chair, her hands softly caressing her rounded stomach. "I know what you mean. I still feel the same, whenever we get a new case, that I just want to figure it out and catch a killer and not stop till we've got a conviction. But everything else in my life outside the job is entirely different. I didn't use to have anything but the job. And now I've got everything right here."

"I think it's all going to change tomorrow," Nick said gently.

She nodded. "Yeah, tomorrow everyone is gonna know."

Matt placed a friendly hand on her shoulder. "Everyone's gonna be really happy for you guys."

"I hope so," she sighed.

The next morning, everyone watched with concern as Jennifer went into Wolfe's office and closed the door. She'd been wringing her hands nervously and a crease of concern had formed on her brow.

"Nick, what's up with Jen?" Rhys asked, pushing his desk chair across the way.

Nick just shrugged and put his head down to focus on work. But Duncan noticed the way his friend kept glancing at the door with a secretive smile on his face.

Jen emerged a few minutes later with her lips pressed tight and her eyes sparkling with a repressed grin.

Wolfie stood amongst their desks and called their attention. "Everyone, starting in two weeks, Jennifer will be taking a leave of absence for a few months."

Allie was the first to react. "What!? Why?"

Wolfe glanced to Jennifer for her to nod before he replied, "Technically it's maternity leave."

Jen burst into giggles as everyone crowded around to congratulate her. Matt walked up to see what was going on.

"Wolfie approved my maternity leave," she explained to him. "So now everyone knows."

"Bit nicer than how I found out," Matt muttered.

Duncan didn't miss a thing. "What? How did you find out?" he asked.

"We don't need to get into it," Jen replied quickly, not keen to tell anyone else that she'd thrown up all over her friend.

"No," Matt agreed, "but congrats to Nick and Jen and their twins."

Rhys's jaw dropped. "Nick?! Twins!?"

Allie cackled and pointed at them. "I told you all they were shagging!"

Duncan was shocked. How could he not have known!? "How long's this been going on?"

"A while," Nick replied vaguely.

"Well they are married, so it was only a matter of time," Wolfie added.

Jen turned to him in surprise.

"Jarvis told me. He thought I should be aware in case anything happened to either of you on the job," he explained.

"Married and pregnant? Christ!" Duncan laughed, "We must be really crap detectives."


	48. Chapter 48

Nick was nearly at his wit's end. He'd been able to explain it all away and convince himself everything was fine until Hope had come to visit and bluntly said, "Nicky, your wife's gone insane." There was no denying it after that.

Almost immediately upon starting her maternity leave, Jen had lost her mind. She was miserable and stressed beyond belief due to her obsessive fixation on keeping the babies safe. She threw out every chemical cleaning product in the house. She insisted on eating only organic fruit and vegetables and baking her own bread and going to a specialty butcher for their meat. She spent most of her time on the internet, looking up every ingredient in everything to see if it would be safe for a pregnant woman.

It made sense. Nick knew it made sense. After losing two pregnancies before, Jen was worried about the health of the babies. He couldn't blame her for that. But even he had to admit she was going a bit far. Whenever he got even close to broaching the subject, she would just put her hands on her belly and glare at him, as though questioning her made him an uncaring father. So he kept his mouth shut. But his worry for her only increased.

Finally, he figured out a possible solution. He came to work early one day and took the elevator up to the sixth floor.

"Commander Waverly, can I have a word?"

Bernice looked up from her desk and saw DSC Buchanan standing in her doorway. "Buchanan, of course, what can I do?"

Nick walked in and closed the office door behind him. "I'm afraid this is a personal matter. And I hope I'm not overstepping in asking you. But you're the only cop I know who might be able to help."

"What seems to be the matter?" she asked curiously.

"I know you know that Jen is pregnant. She left for maternity leave last week," Nick began.

"I did approve Mapplethorpe's time off, yes."

"Well, now that the pregnancy has progressed to the place where she can't work anymore, she's got nothing to do but fixate on all her worries. I know she's terrified that it'll end up like last time."

"Last time?" Bernice interrupted.

"We had a prior relationship. And she's been pregnant twice before and had miscarriages. It was really hard on her. Both of us, actually. But Jen most of all."

"Oh...I didn't know," she replied with slight surprise.

Nick pressed on. "Jen's always respected you, ma'am. She's always looked up to you as a woman on Homicide and as a mother. I know I wasn't here when your son died, but Jen has told me..." he explained awkwardly.

Bernice just nodded, indicating he should continue.

"I guess I was wondering if you had any advice I could pass on to her. Or if you'd be willing to speak with her. I know the stress she's under can't be good for the babies."

"Babies?"

Nick smiled. "We're having twins."

"I see why Mapplethorpe is taking the maximum allotted maternity leave, goodness. I'd be happy to speak with her and help any way I can. I've always liked Jennifer. She's a brilliant detective. And I always sort of thought I'd see her in my chair one of these days."

He felt a wash of pride for Jen in that moment, the idea that their boss could see how incredible his wife really was. "If you want to call on her mobile, she's love to hear from you, I'm sure."

"Actually," Bernice disagreed, "I think it might be better face to face. Would it be alright if I came to your house to see her?"

"Even better. Thank you so much ma'am."

Nick left Waverly's office feeling a weight off his shoulders. Bernice would surely talk some sense into Jen. And hopefully, Bernice would be willing to answer all if Jennifer's questions and knock some good sense into her. He immediately texted Jen to warn her that Waverly would be coming over so she wouldn't be caught off guard.

Jen was nauseous and nervous all day after getting Nick's message. Why on earth would Waverly be coming over? When the doorbell finally rang, Jen nearly jumped out of her skin. And she nearly threw up, too. The last thing she needed was to have Bernice Waverly be greeted the way Matt was the last time he'd come over.

"Jennifer, hello," Waverly said with a smile.

"Hello, ma'am," Jen replied warily. "Please come in."

"I think given the purpose of my visit, you should call me Bernice."

"Oh. Alright. Would you like a drink, Bernice? Tea or a beer or water or something?" Jen offered nervously.

"Tea would be lovely, Jennifer, thank you."

Jen went to work starting the kettle. "Nick told me you'd be coming over. What can I do for you?"

"Actually, I should ask what I can do for you. Nick told me you've been a bit stressed during your pregnancy."

She turned abruptly to face Bernice, unsure if she should be upset or flattered that Nick had been worried about her enough to get Waverly involved. "I just want to keep them safe," she replied eventually, her voice small and afraid. "I…I couldn't before."

Bernice nodded. "Nick mentioned."

"He shouldn't have bothered you about me."

"No bother at all. I'm happy to help in any way I can. Hasn't your mother explained things to you?"

"Oh my mother has no idea I'm pregnant. Nor will she have anything to do with it," Jen growled.

Bernice raised her hands defensively. "I'm not going to ask for an explanation for that, but it sounds to me like you need some help figuring out how to be pregnant and not lose your head."

Jen nodded weakly, admitting defeat. "I've read books and articles about things."

"Reading only gets you so far. You also need to talk about what's worrying you, Jen. And since you've obviously got a lot of baggage with your mother, I'd like to step in, if you wouldn't mind."

Tears filled Jennifer's eyes. And bile began to rise in her throat. She pressed her hand to her mouth and ran to the bathroom.

Bernice followed Jen and stood outside the closed door. "I'm not going anywhere, Jen. Take your time and take care. That's really all there is to it. Listen to what your body tells you and try to enjoy as much as you can. You'd be amazed how resilient you and those babies are. Everything is going to be just fine," she assured her.

The front door opened as Nick arrived home after his shift. "Commander Waverly," he greeted.

"Morning sickness," Bernice explained, pointing to the door.

"Yeah, that's happened a lot," he answered with resignation.

"Jennifer," Bernice called through the door again, "Nick just got home. I'll leave you two to your evening, and I'll come by again tomorrow, if that's alright."

"Thank you," came a weak reply from the bathroom.

Bernice patted Nick on the arm and left to go back to the police station and finish up some work. Nick joined Jen in the bathroom.

Jen was sure she was dying. There was no other explanation for agony like this. She could feel her body tremble with weakness and anguish to the point that tears flowed unchecked down her face. She was gasping for air in between bouts of violent vomiting, and she clutched the toilet bowl for dear life.

Nick sat by her side, huddled on the floor of the bathroom. He gently rubbed her back, trying to soothe her as best he could. "Shh, just breathe. You're alright," he murmured.

Jen's nausea dissipated enough for her to finally catch her breath. "It's been four months of this. I don't know how to get through it," she sobbed.

"Your body's doing its best. You've always been a tiny little thing. But you're strong and you're fit, and you'll be okay. Just remember that it's a lot of work growing a person inside you. At least, I'd imagine it's a lot of work. And you're growing two people inside you," he pointed out. "And didn't Waverly tell you not to worry so much?"

Jen nodded as she wrapped her arms around her pregnant belly, protecting the babies in her womb. "I know. I'll try. I just can't believe it's real. And it's such a bloody nightmare!"

Nick couldn't help but chuckle. "I'm sorry you're not enjoying yourself. But I will tell you that even all sick and bloated and miserable, you're more beautiful than I've ever seen you and I love you very much and in just a few months, we're going to be parents."

"Bloody miracle," she muttered. But she smiled and leaned over into Nick's comforting embrace.

He held his wife in his arms and was overcome with joy and love. "We are going to have babies soon. And we are gonna love them and raise them to be smart and strong and kind and good. They're gonna grow up to be just like you," he murmured.

"I hope they take after your family. I don't trust my genetic background," she interrupted.

Nick chuckled, "Between the two of us, I know they'll be wonderful. And they'll go to school and make friends and they'll date and fall in and out of love and they'll go off to college and get fancy jobs and follow their dreams."

Jen laughed, "Aren't you getting ahead of yourself?"

"Nah. Because we are gonna have eighteen years of stress and panic and joy and laughter with our babies and when they move out, it'll just be us again. And we'll be old and gray and we'll probably get four cats to fill the empty house," he teased.

"We are going to grow old together," Jen said in realization. "I'd never really thought about it before."

"Really?"

"No, I mean I know we'll be together the rest of our lives. That isn't a question at all. But I don't think I'd ever pictured what it would be like. Growing old together."

"I can promise you that we're going to have sex three times a week at least for as long as I can get it up. And there's pills if I can't. And I have other methods of getting you off if that fails."

Jen burst out laughing. "I'm certainly glad you've got a plan!"

"I've gotta keep you happy."

"You keep me very happy," she promised him. Jen sat up. "I'd kiss you, but I don't think that would be very nice. Especially since I'm pretty sure I'm going to throw up again."

And a moment later, she did just that. Nick just sighed and helped hold her hair away and went back to rubbing her back.


	49. Chapter 49

"Why'd you have to send him away?" Jen whined.

"Jennifer," came the warning reply.

She sighed and leaned back on the sofa, ignoring the breakfast talk show on the television in front of her. "I know, I know. He's the best, and personal feelings can't get in the way of doing the job," she grumbled.

Bernice chuckled, sipping her coffee. "That's exactly right. While I, as Bernice, would never dream allowing a husband to leave his wife alone for two weeks while she's pregnant with twins, Commander Waverly can't let her best Homicide detective be sidelined when we need his skill."

"Is he really your best detective?" Jen asked with amusement.

"My best detective is on maternity leave," Bernice replied.

Jen leaned over and rested her head on the older woman's shoulder. "You're just saying that because I'm fat and sad."

Bernice reached up to stroke Jennifer's hair soothingly. "You've been the best for a while, but now you're my favorite, too."

All Jen did in reply was sigh heavily.

"What's wrong, hmm? Nick's been gone for ten days already, you're not missing him that much, are you?"

"It's just odd to not have him here. I mean, even before we were married and before we lived together, I still saw him at work every day. I honestly don't know the last time I even went a week without seeing him." Jen sighed. "You're so wonderful to stay here with me. With the morning sickness done, I'm not as miserable as I was."

"Your husband only agreed to go undercover if I promised to look after you. And besides, having two weeks away from Rhys at my house is quite a vacation. You've got a comfortable guest bed and whatever coffee Nick keeps in is delicious, and besides, I'm enjoying getting to know that little boy and girl you've got in there," Bernice replied happily, placing a hand on Jen's ever-growing stomach.

Jen smiled. Just before Nick had left, they'd gone to the twenty-week appointment and learned the sex of their babies. One boy and one girl. They were elated. And they'd nearly decided on names. "They do love their Auntie Bernice. The best protector of all." Another thought invaded Jen's mind and she went quiet again.

"What's the matter, love?" Bernice asked again gently.

"You've always been my protector, even if you didn't know it," she admitted.

"Have I?"

"Back when Nick and I were still dating, after that whole debacle with SIS when I got shot…"

Bernice interrupted, "Was that when you two got together?"

"What answer would allow me to save face with you?" Jen asked with a cheeky grin.

"We can discuss that later. Go on."

"Well, we were having trouble keeping things under wraps and I was getting worried about getting found out and getting transferred, so I broke it off with Nick. And then just before the Women in Blue dinner I asked you if all the sacrifice the job requires was worth it. And you said yes."

Bernice scoffed, "That's what that was about? Jennifer, a little context is helpful. Good lord. I wouldn't have said that if I'd known!"

"If you'd known, you'd have made Stanley Wolfe transfer one of us, like you did with Rhys and Allie."

"That was a different issue altogether, but my advice about you and Nick wouldn't have been the same." She pulled away from Jen to put her coffee cup on the table in front of her and face Jen head on. "Jennifer, my husband hated that I was a cop. Couldn't stand it. He left because he didn't really love me, who I was and what I was. Nick really truly does love you for all that you are. And that isn't something worth sacrificing for anything. I committed to the job because that's all I had. And you have Nick, and soon you'll have your babies, too. And believe me, I'd give up everything I have now if I could bring Josh back to me. Don't you ever let anything or anyone tell you that the job is worth more than your family, Jen. Especially not me."

Jen was quiet for a moment, processing everything Bernice had said. She frowned with concern. "Are you disappointed in me? You told me that night that I could end up in your chair one day. I don't see how that's possible anymore." She wrapped her hands around her babies, referencing them as the hindrance to her career advancement.

But Bernice just smiled softly. "You know, despite what the world tries to tell us, you really can have it all. When you come back to work, if you want to, you'll be better than ever. Having a child changes something in a woman's soul. Makes her sharper. And if you want to become a sergeant or more, I have no doubt you'll be brilliant. But if you don't want that, I'm not going to be disappointed at all, no matter what you choose. And that's the beautiful thing, eh? You have that choice. Nick is going to support you either way, and I will, too."

Overcome with emotion, Jen began to cry, leaning in and crying against her friend's neck. Bernice rubbed her back and whispered to her soothingly. "You're wonderful," Jen said through her muffled voice.

"You're rather wonderful yourself. But now is not the time for any more tears or worries. You have laundry to do, and I've got to get to work. I'm supposed to have a bloody press conference today for Missing Persons," Bernice grumbled.

Jen got through the next few days with Bernice by her side. The two of them had become best of friends all during Jen's pregnancy. She had somehow become the sister and mother that Jen had never had and never realized she needed. Jen had been self-sufficient most of her life, never really opening up to anyone other than Nick during her adult life. It was nice to have someone else to share her joys and fears with, someone to talk to about Nick, if she needed it.

But she missed Nick. She missed him so much she could barely see straight. She'd gotten so used to having him always with her. And it was killing her that she'd been progressing in her pregnancy without him. Before Nick, she'd never thought she wanted children. Now she did. With him, she did. And he wasn't there now.

On the day he was due to arrive home, Jen waited anxiously by the front door all day. Bernice had packed up all her things that morning and promised to send Nick home as soon as he checked in at the station. Jen was all alone, sitting at the dining room table, waiting for her husband to return. She had her camisole pushed up over her bump so she could trace patterns on her bare stomach, speaking softly to her growing babies. The doctor had told her that she'd probably start feeling them move soon, but so far she hadn't felt anything.

"How are you feeling? A bit cramped, I'd imagine. I didn't think there'd be room for one inside me ever, but I've got two of you in there now. I hope you're sharing and learning to be good friends. I hope you can grow up to like each other. Your dad's got sisters that he loves very much, and I know he's lots older so he had to take care of them a lot, but I didn't grow up with anyone. I'd have liked to have a friend when I was little. I hope you'll always have each other, no matter what. You'll always have me and your dad, though. We've been so excited for you. We've wanted you for so long. And I miss him like crazy. He's on his way home any minute. I can't imagine doing this without him, so even though its just you two inside me now and it seems like I'm all you've got, you'll meet Dad soon enough. Gosh, you're so lucky to have a dad like him. He really is the best man in the whole world. You'll learn what a good man is supposed to be from him, and I promise that, like me, you're going to compare every man in the world to him. But I got really lucky and both of you are just going to love him. I hope I don't disappoint you. I just can't wait to meet you both. I love you so much, and I want to be the best mum I can be, because that's what you deserve."

She was interrupted by the sound of a key in the door. Jen got up and hurried to greet Nick. On bated breath, she waited for him to come into the house.

The door opened revealing a familiar but very changed face. She gasped, "You've got a beard!" Jen couldn't help but start to laugh. Tears were forming in her eyes with the emotional release of finally seeing him again after so long.

"Two weeks without shaving, that's what'll happen," he replied. He dropped his bag by the door and closed it behind him. "Christ, I missed you," Nick breathed, studying every little bit of her in front of him.

"I've missed you too," she replied, rushing toward him. Jen leapt into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist.

Nick was ready to catch her, thank goodness, since she was much bigger and heavier than she used to be. Even after two weeks, she'd expanded. He meant to say something to that effect, to tease her like he always did, but her lips claimed his, and he was lost to her kiss.

Jen was overwhelmed by having him back, and as they kissed, her need to be together with him grew and grew. The beard was an unfamiliar but strangely exciting addition. The scratch of his cheeks against hers was utterly intoxicating. She couldn't help but think of how it might feel over the rest of her body.

Sensing her desire, Nick began to carry her to the stairs so he could take her to bed and make love to her for the first time in weeks. Having her in his arms reawakened the passion he'd tamped down during his time undercover. He'd had a job to do and he couldn't be distracted by sexual fantasies of his wife. But now, the floodgates of lust had opened, and he needed her. Good god, he needed her.

She was wiggling in his grasp too much, trying to grind her hips against his but failing to reach with her pregnant belly in the way. Nick had to put her down before she wiggled right out of his grasp. They paused at the foot of the stairs. Jen climbed up two steps to be level with him and pulled his face back to hers for a messy kiss. They each moaned into each other's mouths, hungry for more. Nick's hands travelled up her camisole to touch her skin. She pulled away so she could pull his t-shirt off him and take off her top as well. When Nick leaned in for another kiss, she pushed him down, forcing his face to collide with her neck and her chest, where he kissed and licked to his heart's desire. She panted from his eager attentions, her fingers gripping his hair tightly. Jen continued to push him downward.

He smiled, gently kissing at the generous swell of her abdomen, silently greeting their babies. His hands found the waistband of her sweat pants and pushed them down. He was shocked and delighted to see she wasn't wearing any knickers. With a ravenous groan, Nick carefully helped her out of her clothes and sat her down on the stairs above him. Jen leaned back, holding onto the railing as his face disappeared between her legs. His tongue traced lines up and down her inner thighs. Jen moaned his name, begging him to go where she wanted him. Finally, he pressed a kiss to her folds and plunged his tongue inside her. Jen bucked her hips against him as he sucked and licked her into a frenzy. Her body was overly sensitive while she was pregnant, allowing her to come so much quicker than normal. And that beard felt just as delicious as she'd imagined. Nick brought her two orgasms with just his mouth before she had to tell him to stop; it was simply too much!

He graciously allowed her to rest, kissing back up her body and holding on the stairs. "I guess you did miss me," he murmured.

Jen gave a small laugh, struggling to breathe. She turned her head to kiss his neck, clutching him to her. His bare chest was hot against hers, and she could feel his cock straining through his trousers against her leg. "Come on," she whispered, "let's welcome you home."

Nick didn't waste any time pulling his pants off and sitting on the stairs beside her. His erection was hard and proud, and Jen licked her lips as she climbed on top of him. Thanks to being pregnant, they'd needed to be rather creative with their sex life—not that they weren't before. This had become one of their favorite positions, with Jen facing away from Nick as she rode him. She sank down on top of him, eliciting moans from each of them. Nick's muscular arms wrapped around her, gently palming her sensitive breasts just enough for the stimulation she needed. Jen began to move up and down, holding his knees for balance. He kissed her bare back and nipped at her neck and shoulders as she sped up. Nick was nearly there, so his hand wandered down to stroke her, put pressure just where she liked. Her high-pitched yelp indicated he'd succeeded. She pounded down on him until they couldn't take it anymore. As she fell apart on top of him, Nick threw his head back and spilled into her with a satisfied grunt.

She stilled and leaned back against him. Nick was going soft inside her, but he stayed where he was, holding her close in his tight embrace. "How's that for a homecoming?"

He hummed, "Mmm, I do love coming home."

Jen gave a happy, breathy laugh. "I don't think I can move."

"Well, you've got to. We're making a mess of the stairs," he pointed out.

She reached to grab his shirt to wipe herself down as she stood up, holding the railing for support. The shirt would come clean in the wash. And speaking of wash… "Nick, I think it's time for a bath, eh?"

He grinned. "Perfect. And I guess you'll want me to shave while we're there?"

Jen shrugged. "Maybe keep it for another day or so. I like it so far, but we'll see how much beard burn I've got tomorrow."

Nick laughed and held her hand as they went upstairs to the bathroom, eager to spend some quiet time relaxing together.

All of a sudden, however, Jen stopped in the hall with a gasp. "Nick!"

"What!? What's wrong?"

She grabbed his hand and pressed it to her naked stomach. And inside her womb came the faintest little tapping. "I think they're kicking or something! This is the first time I've felt it!"

Nick nearly burst into tears. Still naked from their lovemaking, he immediately dropped to his knees. "Hi there," he said to his children. "I'm so glad to feel you! You picked the best time to make yourselves known. Did you know I'd gotten home? Were you waiting for me? Or did you want to show us you're happy like Mummy is?"

Jen laughed, keeping her hands pressed to where she'd felt the babies. "Mummy is very, very happy."

He smiled up at her. "So is Dad."


	50. Chapter 50

One Sunday morning, Nick had to get out of the house for a little solitary time. He decided to go for a run. Nothing too long, just a couple miles through the neighborhood and the park by his house.

It was very soothing to work up a sweat and clear his mind and escape the chaos of his current living situation. Jen was on mandatory bedrest for the final few weeks of her pregnancy; at her age and with twins, the doctor had been quite worried about giving the babies as much time to develop in utero as possible. So Jen was stuck in bed and Nick was running ragged between working Homicide and coming home to care for Jen. Thank god Waverly was around when Nick worked late hours, but as it was, the house was far from comforting.

On his way back through the neighborhood, Nick became aware that someone was running with him. He looked behind him and was surprised to see a scruffy gray and white dog jogging in his wake. Nick chuckled in amusement as he paused to check the collar and see where the dog belonged. But there was no collar. And the dog wasn't just little, it was a puppy. The muzzle was short and soft, and the legs were slightly out of proportion from the body. The puppy stared at him with pale blue eyes, begging for some love and care.

"I can't take you home," Nick told the dog, feeling very stupid for speaking out loud to an animal. "Go find someone else."

Nick turned and continued his run. Surely the dog would get bored running after him and direct its attention elsewhere.

Upon arriving at the front door, Nick found that the puppy was right on his heels. And he couldn't just leave it there, shutting the door in its tiny face. He begrudgingly picked the pup off the ground and went inside. Nick was rewarded with licks to his face that he simply couldn't dodge.

"Ugh Christ," he grumbled. He sighed before calling out, "Jen?"

"Upstairs!" she shouted in reply.

Of course. He felt stupid even asking. She couldn't really be anywhere else. Holding the squirming dog, he climbed the stairs to show Jennifer their new houseguest.

She saw him enter and her eyes lit up. "Did you get us a puppy!?"

"It followed me home," Nick grumbled.

"Well we have to keep it! Is it a boy or a girl?" she asked excitedly.

But Nick shook his head. "Oh no you don't. You're eight months pregnant and on mandatory bedrest until your due date. We cannot have a puppy running around! Besides, we just got Kevin and he doesn't deserve to be assaulted by a stray dog."

Jen's face fell. "You're right, I suppose. But look at it! It's so cute! Can I play with it?" she asked.

Nick couldn't bear to refuse her anything, especially not when she was so depressed and emotional from the pregnancy hormones and the bedrest. But he resisted. For now. "Let me give it a bath and make sure it's not crawling with parasites before I let it in our bed, alright?"

She agreed to that condition. Nick took the dog into the bathroom to bathe it in the bathtub with Nick's own shampoo. The puppy was strangely calm in the bath, content for Nick to lather it up and rinse clean. He dried the dog with one of the bath towels before returning to the bedroom.

"Looks like you're destined to spend your life surrounded by men," Nick teased. "Between me and Kevin and the baby and now the dog."

Jen laughed, putting her hand on her enormous belly. "The baby girl and I will manage. She reached out her arms to hold the pup. "He is so precious! Nick, are you sure we can't keep him?"

"Jennifer, you know we can't have a puppy around after you give birth. It'll kill us."

She looked sadly into the puppy's pale eyes. "He's right," she told the dog. "We can't keep you."

"I'll take him to the animal shelter tomorrow."

She gasped. "Don't you dare! He chose you to come home with and since we can't give him home, you find him a home he can have," she insisted. "Is that alright with you, Charlie?"

He frowned. "Did you just name the dog Charlie?"

"Yeah, he looks like a Charlie, don't you think?"

Nick just shrugged and went downstairs to make some food for his pregnant wife and her new canine friend.

All day, Jen obsessively played with the puppy, feeding him by hand and snuggling him as though he were their own child. Nick assumed she was just overly excited for the arrival of their actual babies in just a few weeks. She even insisted that Charlie sleep in bed with them. Nick tried not to be annoyed, but their bed was not a place for a dog. Jen's pregnancy took up enough space as it was. And, of course, it was Nick's trousers the dog had peed on and Nick's shoes he had chewed to bits.

The next day, Nick went to work with a singular focus: finding a home for Charlie. He casually brought up the possibility of a dog to Duncan ("Women love puppies. Total chick magnet!") but was laughed out of the room. He tried Allie ("A running partner, someone to greet you when you come home!") but she cut him off before he could even explain. Both Dunny an Allie insisted that a dog was too much effort and they enjoyed their lives without the company of a whining animal, thank you very much.

Nick called Jen at lunchtime, as he always did to check on her, and explained he was having trouble finding someone for Charlie.

"Did you try Rhys? I think a dog would be good for him. He could use the responsibility, I think. And sitting here with Charlie, I have a feeling they belong together. They'd be good for each other. And if that doesn't work, he can stay here. Kevin has already warmed up to him. They're both snuggled in bed with me right now," Jen said happily. "I'll take a picture and send it to you."

Privately, Nick couldn't care less that the stray dog got on with their gray tabby cat. They were not keeping that puppy, no matter how much Jen wanted him. "I'll talk to Rhys. I'll let you know what he says."

After hanging up, Nick made a beeline to Rhys's desk. "You seem like a dog person," he began bluntly.

"Yeah, I love dogs," Rhys replied with a smile.

"Great. I've got a stray at home that would be perfect for you. I'll bring him over tonight. His name is Charlie." Nick's phone vibrated with a notification of a text message. He checked it quickly and saw that Jen had taken a selfie with Kevin and Charlie. He showed the picture to Rhys. "See, here he is."

"Wow, Jen got fat."

"She's pregnant!" Nick replied, somewhat offended.

"I know but...wow."

"Well that's why we can't keep Charlie. He's a sweet pup and you'll love him," Nick said with conviction.

Rhys looked panicked. "Oh no, I can't have a dog! I'm busy with work and...and...hey I live with my aunt and there's no way she'll let me!"

Nick didn't think about that. But he was undeterred. He stood up and went to the elevator without a word. He arrived in Commander Waverly's office a minute later. "Commander, do you have a minute?"

"Yes, Buchanan, what is it?" she asked.

"I've got a puppy at home and Jen wants Rhys to have it but since he lives with you, we wanted to be sure it's alright with you."

Bernice was taken aback. Whatever she'd expected Nick to say, that certainly wasn't it. "Why do you have a puppy and why does Jennifer want Rhys to have it?"

Nick explained that Charlie had followed him home and Jen suggested that he might be good for Rhys. "Jen really wants to keep him but she's going to be giving birth in a couple weeks and I just can't imagine that will allow us any room in our life for a dog. But she really loves him and wants him to have a good home." He showed Waverly the picture.

Bernice smiled. "She looks happier there than I've seen her since she got put on bedrest."

"I know, but it's going to be hard enough with two baby humans. I don't think we should add a baby dog to the mix."

With a sigh, Waverly conceded, "Alright, we'll take the dog. Bring him by tonight around 8."

"Thank you, ma'am. His name is Charlie. And I'll go tell Rhys you said it's alright."

"You can inform my nephew that he is responsible for that animal, or else he has me and Mapplethorpe to answer to!"

Nick chuckled. "Yes, ma'am." As he rode the elevator back down to Homicide, Nick texted Jennifer: _Rhys will take Charlie. Waverly said you look good. And I'm looking forward to having you to myself in bed tonight._

Jen was more upset than she should have been when Nick took Charlie away. Bernice was right, it was the happiest she'd been since her bedrest nightmare. There was just nothing to do! Nick had to work, and he couldn't even tell her about the cases he was working. Bernice spent as much time with her as she could, but she had to work, too.

"I hate this," Jennifer grumbled, clutching Nick and burying her face against his chest when he told her he had to go to work about a week later.

"I know, but it's only temporary. And you know it's for the best," he soothed, gently stroking her back.

"Do you really have to go?" she whined.

"To work? Yes, I do. One of us has to make a living if you're going to be lounging around all day for the next few weeks," he teased.

"Nick, I'm pregnant with twins and on mandatory bedrest! You know I'd much rather be going to work. But if I can't, I don't see why you have to leave me here all alone."

He extricated himself from her grasp, trying not to be annoyed that she had wrinkled his suit. "You're not alone. You've got our children in there to keep you company," Nick reasoned, gently tapping on her pregnant belly. "And Kevin is around here somewhere. He'll come by for a cuddle, I'm sure."

Jen didn't seem comforted by this statement. She was exhausted and moody and all the other awful things pregnancy does. And it was all worse when she was left alone in bed all day. But she knew that Nick was right. He had to go to work. With her out on maternity leave, Homicide was down a detective. They needed him. And he needed to work. Jen understood that more than anyone. But it still didn't make her feel any better.

Nick leaned in to kiss her cheek. "I'll be home before you know it. Try not to pout too long. You'll annoy the babies."

After he left, Jen curled up—as much as her body would allow—and tried to go back to sleep. Anything to pass the time.

She must have fallen asleep for a long time. Because she was awoken by the feeling of Nick's arms snaking around her and his kisses peppering her neck.

"Is it dinnertime already?" she asked sleepily.

He chuckled against her, burying his face in her hair. "No, I've been gone an hour. I called in sick. I can't stay away from you. In a weird way, I sorta like you pregnant. And I just realized that you won't have to be on bedrest too much longer because you're not going to be pregnant too much longer." He placed hands on her belly, pleased when one of the babies started kicking. "They'll be here before we know it!"

"You're sweet," she replied, snuggling into his embrace.

"I love you very much."

"That's good," she said with a yawn. And in Nick's arms, she slept much better.


	51. Chapter 51

Nick sat in an uncomfortable chair beside Jennifer's hospital bed, tears in his eyes. Jen had never seen him like this before. He wasn't an unemotional man, but he was usually much less effusive. His face stayed stoic whenever he had feeling on the inside. Jen prided herself in being able to see through that.

But now, anyone could see every emotion on Nick's face. His eyes were unapologetically watery, and his beaming smile couldn't be contained.

"I can't believe it," he murmured over and over.

Jen felt exactly the same way, but she was far too exhausted to do anything more than smile.

Nick gently held his daughter in his arms, afraid to move, as though she might shatter. "She's so soft and pink and perfect," he said, looking from her sleeping face and over to Jen.

"Have you ever held a baby before?" she asked with a bemused expression.

"Not like this. She's only a few hours old!"

Jen shifted her grip as their son nursed on her. "A few hours old and asleep after her first meal. And hopefully he's on his way there, as well."

Nick watched their baby boy suckle at her breast, in awe of everything. "I'm sure they'll both be asleep for a little while. I can have the nurse put them with the other newborns so you can get some sleep."

"No, I want them to stay here," Jen protested. "After waiting so long, we finally have them here. I don't want them far away."

Nick smiled softly. "I'll keep them here. But you do need to rest. I know we've both been awake for over thirty hours, but I didn't birth twins this morning."

Jennifer chuckled, "That's right, you didn't. Although you did carry me into the hospital like some crazed superhero until the nurse forced you to put me in the wheelchair."

He gave her a sheepish look. "I don't like seeing you in pain."

"Well it's all over now. They've arrived and they're soft and pink and perfect," she said, repeating his words. "And we're a family now," she added.

"I do love you, Mrs. Buchanan," he told her. "You and our children."

She smirked. She had finally gotten around to changing her name, and Nick couldn't stop calling her that. Being his wife was still the happiest thrill, even after almost three years. And seeing her husband openly cry over the love and joy he had for their children was more than she'd ever dreamed.

"Are we going to start calling each other Dad and Mum now?" Nick asked.

Jen couldn't help but chuckle slightly. "I don't know, are we those sort of people? If it feels natural, I suppose we might as well. But I'm certainly not your mum so perhaps you should only call me that when the babies are around, alright?"

He nodded with an amused smile. "That works for me." Nick turned his attention to the baby girl in his arms. "Now then, Ella, I think it's time for you and your brother to say goodnight to Mum and we can all sleep for a while, eh?" He looked over to Jen, who watched him with tears in her eyes. "Alright?"

"I knew it."

"Knew what?"

"I knew you'd be the most incredible father."

Nick beamed proudly and placed Ella in the bassinet and waited as Jen held their son gently and burped him over her shoulder.

"Go to sleep, Cody," she murmured, trying not to beg the tiny little boy but distinctly feeling exhaustion overtake her. Jen handed him to Nick, who placed him down next to Ella. "Everyone go to sleep." Her eyes fluttered closed before she knew it.

Nick settled down in the chair once more, his tired gaze switching between Jennifer, Ella, and Cody, the three loves of his life. As sleep claimed him, he marveled at how he could somehow feel so much gratitude and love and wonder, and he was amazed that he'd somehow lived so much of his life not knowing what he was missing.

Hours later, Nick was awoken gently by his very favorite sound in the world. Jen was singing. He'd gotten quite used to her melodic humming over the last few months, and it warmed his heart every time. He didn't bother yet to open his eyes. He knew what he'd find. Jen sitting in the bath, rubbing soapy water all over her pregnant belly, singing to their unborn babies inside. She often left the door open so she could call when he needed his assistance in getting out of the bath tub. That must be why the sound was so clear.

With a slight jolt of memory, Nick's eyes snapped open. They weren't at home. They were at the hospital. And Jen wasn't pregnant anymore. Their babies had been born.

"There you are," Jen greeted with a small smile. She was sitting up in the hospital bed with the bassinet right next to her. She leaned down to speak to the babies. "Dad's awake now. That makes all four of us. Thank you very much for letting him sleep and not crying. But he can sleep through almost anything. When you're older, we can tell you all about how we met each other and how he would always fall right to sleep and I would be tossing and turning all night until he would wrap those big strong arms around me so I'd relax," she murmured.

Nick watched her and thought his heart would burst out of his chest. "I think we'll have to wait quite a while before we can tell them that story."

Jen shrugged. "We've got a rather interesting story, and they should know it. They should know how loved and wanted they are, how they were born from struggle and destiny."

"Destiny?"

"I'm very hormonal, don't contradict me," she grumbled. "Now come over here and help me hold Ella. She's moving around a lot and I don't know if that's a good sign or not. Cody seems rather happy where he is, so maybe leave him for now."

And so they continued that way all through the early morning hours. Nurses and doctors came by to check on Jen and the babies. Everyone was recovering very well. No complaints or worries from any of them. Nick was more relieved than he could express.

At lunchtime, the Buchanan family had its first visitors. Bernice was the first person Nick had called after the birth, at Jen's insistence. And as they'd requested, Bernice had brought Stanley Wolfe with her.

"Where are those babies!?" Bernice exclaimed, hurrying into the room with an excited smile on her face. Stanley followed close behind with a similar expression on his face but was significantly quieter about it.

Jen just beamed to see them. "Bernice, come here and meet our little girl. Hold her if you like." She handed the baby over to Bernice.

Nick handed their son to Stanley. "Jen, do you want to introduce everyone?" he prompted.

"Just over a day old, I'd like you to meet Cody Stanley Buchanan and Ella Bernice Buchanan. And Nick and I were hoping you two would agree to be their godparents," Jen requested, biting her bottom lip expectantly.

Bernice and Stanley both seemed overcome by the emotion and began stammering rather sweetly.

Nick interrupted, "We wanted to name our children after people who were important to us, not just to each of us but to us together. Stanley, you've been as close to a father as Jen's ever had, and you've known about us probably longer than anyone and never said a word. And Bernice, I don't know how we'd have ever gotten here without you. You've been…"

"Everything," Jen finished, sincerity evident in her face and voice. "Really. My whole life, I've never had the kind of friendship and support that you've given me for the last six months. Nick and I both love the two of you so much and I don't care that you're our commanding officers. You're our family. And we want our children to know you and love you and live their lives knowing they were named after the two best people we know."

Stanley smiled softly. "It would be an honor," he said. His voice was quiet but heavy with emotion.

Bernice let out a cathartic laugh, blinking back tears. "Frankly, I'd be pissed off if you tried to have anyone else as their godmother."

The extended family had their visit, cooing at the babies, marveling at every little thing they did. Soon enough, they were joined by more visitors.

"Right, Duncan's flirting with a nurse so we can stay, even though technically you're not allowed more than two visitors at a time in this ward," Matt announced as he walked into the room. "Oh, Jen, you look amazing!" he gushed.

Nick frowned slightly but was quickly distracted when Stanley bid everyone farewell. "I should be getting back. I'll come by tomorrow, if that's alright."

"That would be great," Jen replied with a smile.

The Senior Sergeant passed Duncan at the doorway. "Oi, you've got babies!" he teased.

Nick laughed. "We do! Two of them!"

Matt had inserted himself beside Jen's bed, watching Cody in Bernice's arms and Ella cradled in Jen's. Nick told them the babies' names, which were met with big smiles from Matt and Duncan.

"You can name the next one after me, then," Duncan said with a wink.

Jen and Nick just laughed.

"Can I hold her?" Matt asked Jen quietly, his arms out to receive the baby.

But Jen just stared at him, slightly startled. Instinctively, she held Ella closer to her.

"Maybe later," Nick said quietly.

Matt could feel the tension and was unsure of why he'd caused it. Nick really did feel for him in that moment. He really was a good friend to them, regardless of his petty jealousy at times. And he just wanted to be a part of the joyous occasion. Matty didn't know the way Jen had struggled to get to this point, the way these babies were a miracle in and of themselves, that their safe birth was more of an unlikely gift than anyone else could ever understand. Her over-protectiveness was a symptom of their tragic past manifesting in their happy present, and Matt could never understand that.

"Here, Ryan, why don't you meet Cody. I will stay here all day if I don't leave now. Though I might come back tonight," she said, looking to Jen.

"Please do," Jen replied with a nod.

"Oh is Rhys coming by, did he say?" Bernice asked Matt.

Duncan answered for him, "Nah, Allie whined about how babies aren't that interesting, and Rhys said you lot probably wouldn't want to have him here, so they both stayed back at the station."

At that last remark, Bernice laughed. "Well, once you're settled back home, Rhys and I will come by with Charlie, eh?"

That suited Jen just fine. They said goodbye to their dear friend as she handed Cody over to Matt. The baby boy immediately began wailing.

"What did I do?" Matt asked in panic.

Duncan came over to help. "Here, hold on…" Unwitting, the baby was thrust into Dunny's arms. He shushed and cooed a bit, and Cody settled right down. Duncan ginned proudly. "I think he likes me!"

"Everyone likes you," Nick quipped.

"Not right away. Jen hated me at first," he reminded her.

"That's because you thought I was taking your job away, so you were acting like a dickhead!" she fired back.

"Fair enough," he laughed in reply.

The friends all reminisced for a little while until Ella began to fuss. "I think it's snack time. Which is your cue to leave," Jen told the visitors.

"You're not going to let us see them eat?"

"You want to look at my wife's tits? I'll kill you myself, Matty, and even in a hospital, I'll make sure no doctor gets to you in time," Nick challenged.

"Oh shut up," Jen grumbled. She wasted no time undoing the top of her hospital gown to allow Ella to suckle at her breast, not bothering to wait for anyone to leave. But just for good measure, she barked, "If you are not biologically related to the babies, get out!"

Duncan handed Cody to his father and ushered a rather shocked Matt out of the room. But on their way out, they ran into the final visitor of the day, who was unprepared for the sight he came upon.

"Maplethorpe!" came the mispronounced cry.

"Cody, this is your Uncle Terry, and he's just got an eyeful of your mum. And now Dad's gonna have to kill him, too" Nick murmured to his son.

"Close a door when you do that, Christ!" Terry Jarvis complained, turning away in inexplicable revulsion.

"I'm feeding my baby!" Jen pointed out. "Grow up!"

Unsure of what else to do, Nick held Cody close to him until it was his turn to feed and began to laugh. They had a perfect little family and it was made all the more special from their very imperfect cop family. And despite the insanity of it all, Nick felt nothing but pure joy.


	52. Chapter 52

"Mummy no! Mummy, where Ella? Mummy!" Cody wailed.

Jen was nearly at her wits' end. She cradled her son in her arms, trying desperately to soothe him as he cried hysterically. She'd explained to him till she was nearly blue in the face, but she tried once more. "You've got to stay in here with me and Dad. You've got a fever, and we don't want Ella to get sick, too. So she'll stay in your room and you'll stay with us, alright?"

"No!" he screeched, thrashing around in his mother's arms.

The fever was making him delirious. Jen had just given him a cool bath to try to get his temperature down, but news that he wouldn't be able to go to his room with his sister was not being well-received.

Nick was in the nursery tucking Ella in and telling her a goodnight story like always. The babies were nearly two now and they were both walking and talking at a limited level, but they'd quickly developed their own lovely little personalities. Ella was rather quiet but extremely stubborn. Cody made a bit more fuss most of the time but could be easily distracted or persuaded to go along with whatever anyone needed of him.

But tonight, Ella was just as upset about the state of affairs as her brother. "Daddy, where Cody?" she asked with confusion when Nick put her in the crib she was nearly too big for.

"Cody's sick. He's with Mum," Nick told her, pushing her golden blonde hair from her face, trying to coax her into lying down.

Ella didn't like that answer at all. Her eyes narrowed in a familiar manner that meant that she was about to dig her heels in about something. "Why?"

"If Cody stays in here with you, then you could get sick, too. And we want him to feel better as quick as we can," he explained.

"No," Ella replied definitively.

"No?"

"No. Where Cody?"

Nick very nearly started to laugh. She was so very determined. He tried a slightly different tact. "You've got to get some sleep, bug," he said softly.

And Ella followed right along with a new method of her own. "Mummy sing."

"Mummy has to stay with Cody. No singing tonight."

"No! Mummy sing!" she insisted.

"Ella…" Nick warned.

And that was when she started to cry. And Nick swore under his breath. He told Ella to hold tight for just a minute and kissed her tear-stained cheeks and rushed down the hall to see how Jen was fairing with Cody.

"Nearly ready for bed?" he asked.

Jen glared daggers at him as their son continued to thrash and whimper in her arms. "Not really," she replied bitterly.

Nick had an idea. "Cody?" He leaned in to get his son's attention. Cody looked up at him, still crying. "Mate, you want to say night-night to Ella?" he asked.

Cody immediately quieted. He sniffed and replied, "Yeah," with a little hiccup.

Jen protested, "We've got to keep them apart, the doctor said…"

"I know what the doctor said. It'll be fine. Ella wants Cody and she wants you to sing to her. Cody wants Ella, I'm sure, but we need to make sure they don't contaminate each other. So we let them say goodnight to each other through the door, and you can sing to them, and hopefully they'll fall asleep," Nick explained.

With a nod, Jen picked up Cody and carried him out into the hall. Nick led the way and closed the nursery door behind him. "Alright Cody, Dad's going to bring Ella over to the door so you can say goodnight, okay?" Jen told him softly.

"Night-night Ella?"

"Yes, you say night-night to Ella. But you've got to stay out here with me."

Cody nodded, understanding the rules.

Jen sat on the floor and held Cody, pushing back his bright blonde hair and pressing light kisses to his temple. He was still really hot, but hopefully since he'd stopped crying, he'd start to cool down soon.

Inside the nursery, Nick picked up Ella and sat down against the door with her snuggled in his lap. "Mum's just on the other side with Cody. You want to say night-night?"

His voice carried through and Jen felt a lump in her throat listening to his gentle tone with their daughter. "Cody, you want to talk to Ella? She's right on the other side of the door," she murmured to the little boy in her arms.

"Ella?"

"Cody?"

The little ones began babbling away at each other in a language all their own. Nick and Jen caught a few words here and there. It was unclear whether their toddlers even understood each other, but hearing the other's voices seemed to help.

"Night-night Cody," Ella said finally, nuzzling back into her father's arms and indicating all was well at last.

"Night-night Ella," Cody replied. He was smiling. Jen's heart felt a bit lighter.

"Mummy, sing!" Ella demanded.

"Alright, sweetheart, I'll sing for you."

Nick leaned back and closed his own eyes as he listened to Jen singing to their children. Her voice was so soft and clear, and every time he heard her sing, he fell in love with her all over again. After a minute or so, he felt the last bit of tension leave Ella's body. Her breathing was slow and deep against his chest where she'd finally fallen asleep.

Jen's singing got quieter and quieter until she stopped. "He's asleep," she murmured through the door.

"Ella too," he replied.

With an audible sigh, Jen remarked, "Thank god we can each take charge of one and team up like this. I dunno how I'd handle this without you."

"I couldn't do any of this without you," Nick agreed.

"I should hope not, considering I gave birth to them." They shared a chuckle and fell quiet.

Nick broke the silence. "You want more? They're at the age now where we should start thinking about it."

"And I'm at the age where we can't waste much time, especially considering how many tries it took to get these two," she added.

"So you do want more kids?"

"Do you?"

Nick smiled to himself. "I asked you first."

"Honestly?"

"Yeah, honestly."

Jen took a deep breath and admitted, "Nick, I'm exhausted all the time. And I don't much like the idea of being outnumbered. Our babies are absolutely perfect and I love them more than anything in this world. They're ours and we made them and they're our tiny little miracles. I just don't think I'm strong enough to go through it all again. Not the miscarriages or the pregnancy or the birth or anything else. We've…we've done that. And every day Cody and Ella give us new challenges and joys. And I think that's enough."

"Okay."

She frowned. "That's it? Okay?"

"Jen." Nick's fingers appeared beneath the doorway. She lightly touched his with her own. "I completely agree. Two is plenty. Two is perfect. I want us to move forward all together as a family. I don't think we need to try for any more, especially like you said with all the trouble we went through just to get here."

A weight lifted off Jennifer's shoulders, a weight and a worry she wasn't even fully aware existed. "Thank you," she answered.

"But you know, we're not exactly careful about preventing pregnancy…" he pointed out.

She gave a quiet little laugh. "No, not at all. Now that I'm done breastfeeding, I'll go to the clinic and pick up something."

"I could get snipped," he suggested, immediately hating himself for that phrasing. "It might make it easier in the long run."

"We can look into it. But if you do, I want to make sure it won't affect anything else. I quite like you just as you are down there," she insisted.

"Yeah? How much?" he asked in cheeky retort.

"How about we explore that when we don't have our children asleep on our laps, eh?"

Nick chuckled. "Yeah, we should get them to bed."

"I'll take Cody to our room. You want to put Ella in the crib and then come join us?"

"Sure."

As carefully as she could, Jen maneuvered herself to a standing position with Cody still asleep in her arms and carried him back to the bedroom. She deposited her little boy on the bed, pausing to stroke his soft pink baby cheeks. Nick came in a minute later.

"Ella woke up again. But she's fine. She asked if Cody was okay."

"Did she?"

"Well, she said his name in a question and I promised he was fine and told her to go back to sleep. She's out again."

Jen leaned into his embrace as they watched their sleeping baby. "They're so perfect. Can you believe they're ours?"

"Yeah. They'd have to be ours. And that's why they're perfect."

She looked up at him and saw tears of pride and joy form in his eyes. Jen just smiled.


	53. Chapter 53

She moved with grace and abandon, her breasts bouncing and heaving with her panting breath, her center grinding down on him. Nick watched her in complete awe. His hands were grasping her hips so hard, he might leave bruises. Her own fingers were digging into his pectoral muscles as she balanced herself astride him.

He moaned and growled, "Harder, Jen. Fuck me."

Jen leaned forward, changing their angle, and kissed him messily. Nick took advantage of the new position to plant his feet on the bed and thrust up, pounding into her. She pulled out of the kiss, gasping for air. "Oh god, Nick!" she screamed as she came, the waves of pleasure pulsing through her body till she couldn't feel her toes.

Nick followed behind her quickly, spilling inside her with a load groan before he stilled, lying limply with Jen collapsed on top of him. He wrapped his arms around her sweaty body as he went soft inside her.

"We haven't done that in over two years," she realized aloud with a slight chuckle.

"Maybe we should let the children stay with my mother more often," he agreed. Nick tightened his embrace and kissed her hair. He'd missed this. This freedom to be with her as loudly as they wanted to be, not worried that one of their children would start crying or wander into their room. Their sex life had cooled since their twins were born, mostly due to exhaustion and worries that they'd be interrupted, but the decreased frequency did not lead to a decrease in passion.

Jen sighed happily, sitting up slightly to trace her fingers along the lines of her husband's face. "We should probably get up soon. We've got a wedding today."

He smiled up at her. "I know. Ours."

She beamed excitedly. "Happy anniversary, Nick."

"Happy anniversary, Jennifer."

Five years to the day since they'd been married. Five years since they'd embarked on their life together, truly together. Five years since they'd committed to each other and to whatever risk was associated with that commitment. Five years since the woman sitting on top of him had made Nick Buchanan the happiest man in the world.

The pair eventually got started with their day, showering and dressing and gathering their formal outfits for the ceremony. They'd be driving to the chapel together and picking up their babies on the way.

Ella and Cody piled into the back of the car and told their parents all the wonderful things Gram let them do as Nick and Jen buckled them into their carseats.

"Mummy, we had so much ice cream!"

"Really, Ella, what kind of ice cream?"

"'Nilla and Choco!" Cody yelled excitedly.

"And Gram made sure you ate your vegetables first, right?" Nick asked them warily.

Ella nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, Daddy, Gram made the green beans just like you do!"

"Your Gram gave me that recipe. I used to make those for your Aunties when they were little," Nick told them.

The concept that their aunts had once been little seemed to occupy Ella and Cody for the rest of the drive. But as they got closer, Jen called for attention.

"Buchanans!" she barked.

Nick and the children immediately fell silent, as Jen had trained them to do.

"Today is a very special day. Cody, can you tell me why?" Jen asked.

"Mummy and Daddy are getting married again!"

Jen couldn't help but laugh. "Yes, sweetheart, we are. And why is that, Ella?"

"Because no one got to go see you get married the first time because it was secret and everyone who loves you wants to be part of happy things," Ella replied with practiced eloquence.

"That's exactly right," Nick praised. "So when we get to the chapel, you go with Mum, bug, and Cody, you're coming with me, mate, alright?"

The children nodded in comprehension of their tasks. Nick parked the car and unloaded the kids and all the bags of clothes. The boys went in one direction and the girls went in the other, but before they parted, Nick gave Jen a small kiss.

"The next time we do that will be after the minister tells us we can," he whispered.

Jen grinned and kissed him one last time for good measure.

They had a few hours before the ceremony. Nick and Cody didn't need much time to get ready, so they wiled away the hours playing games and talking. Cody loved to color, so Nick packed some pages and crayons, and they both made pictures for Gram to put on the fridge.

Ella and Jen, however, had quite a lot to do. Hair and makeup and dressing would take quite a bit of time. Ella had been quite adamant about wanting her Mummy to curl her hair and let her wear her pretty purple dress. Jen had trouble saying no to her with things like this, so here she was, standing behind her little girl and trying not to burn her baby hair with the curling iron.

It wasn't too long before visitors started arriving to assist with preparations. The first was unexpected and rather unwelcome.

"I heard you were getting ready. Need any help?"

Ella turned at the sound of the voice, narrowly avoiding hitting the curling iron on her cheek. "Nana!"

Susan smiled at her granddaughter. "Hello, sweetie." She nodded up at her own daughter. "Jenny."

"Mum," Jen replied coldly.

"Anything I can do?"

"We've got help coming, thanks." She turned back around. "Ella, sweetheart, keep your head still. You can play with Nana later."

Susan was about to respond with some cutting retort when another visitor brushed past her.

"Pardon me. Jen, the flowers are arriving. You want me to handle them?"

Jen smiled warmly at this newcomer. "Yes, Bernice, thanks. And by the time that's settled, Ella and I should be ready for you."

Susan interrupted, "I'm sorry, but who are you?"

"Bernice Waverly, Commander of Crime for the Victoria State Police. Who are you?" Bernice replied, her powerful attitude dripping from her tone.

"I'm her mother!"

"Oh, I see," Bernice said knowingly. She turned and shared a look of understanding with Jen. "Right, well, I'll go handle the flowers." With one more glaring eye to Susan, Bernice bustled back out again.

"I take it that's your boss," Susan said to Jen.

"Boss, mentor, and friend," Jen replied.

"We love Auntie Bernice!" Ella added happily, blissfully unaware of the tension in the room.

Jen smiled softly. "And godmother to my children."

Meanwhile, Nick and Cody had a visitor of their own. "Oi, you need help tying a bowtie? Can't imagine you've worn a tux much," Duncan teased as he entered the room.

"Uncle Dunny!" Cody exclaimed, running barefoot away from his father and leaping into Duncan's arms.

"There's my guy! How are you, Cody?"

"Good. Daddy says its time to get dressed now."

He put Cody back down on the ground. "I'll leave you to it, then. Just wanted to come by and say hello. And, um, Nick? Thanks."

Nick looked at his friend and colleague questioningly. "Thanks? For what?"

Duncan averted his gaze, blushing slightly. "For inviting me to the wedding. I know you invited everyone and it's just a formality and whatever but it really does mean a lot to be here. You and Jen and the kids are like family to me. I feel like I got to watch you two fall in love and find your way to each other and…I dunno, it's just a great day for you and I'm glad to be here."

"You are family to us. You're my best friend. You know that, right? And if I didn't already have a best man, I'd have you there with me," Nick assured him with a soft smile.

"Well, if I ever find a woman willing to marry me, you're at the top of my list for that job."

"Looking forward to it."

Duncan gave one last cheery grin and left the Buchanan boys be. Nick returned his attention to his son. "Alright mate, let's get you dressed and ready, eh?"

Cody was shockingly cooperative through the process. He'd been very displeased the first time he'd tried on the tiny tuxedo he was supposed to wear to the ceremony, but now, he seemed resigned to his fate. Nick helped him do all the buttons on his crisp little shirt and tuck it in to his tailored little trousers. He sat on the floor with his son in his lap to get his socks and baby dress shoes on. He lingered for a moment, however, holding Cody's bare foot.

Why this had become Nick's magical symbol of fatherhood, he'd never know. But from the day they were born, Nick was fascinated by those tiny little feet and the little baby toes. When they were infants, he'd gently stroke their feet as they lay in their cribs. As they grew, he and Jen tended to keep them barefoot around the house, so he'd pick up his children and hold a little foot in his large hand. Perhaps that was it, the difference of his fully-grown hand and their baby little feet. Whatever it was, he was entranced by those tiny toes.

"Daddy, give me my foot back. You've got your own. This one is mine," Cody scolded.

Nick couldn't help but burst out laughing. He kissed the top of his son's hair and went about getting the socks and shoes on those little feet.

At last, everything was all ready. Jen was in her wedding dress, the same one she wore five years earlier to marry Nick in the magistrate's office. She was more than a little proud of herself that it still fit after giving birth to twins and being over forty. She was standing in front of the mirror, making last minute adjustments to her veil.

"All set?" Bernice asked, having returned to the dressing room after wrangling Ella and Cody.

"Why am I nervous? This is ridiculous. I'm already married!"

Bernice just laughed. "You're nervous because you and Nick are far too used to keeping things to yourselves. But no more of that. You can be together and happy and show off your beautiful family to the whole world."

Jen immediately felt calmer. She smiled softly. "You're right. We're very lucky to have you and everyone else to share this with."

"Oh, by the way, your mother has been flirting with Terry Jarvis something fierce."

"I shouldn't be surprised," Jen grumbled, rolling her eyes. "But it's his own funeral if he gets involved with her."

"I wouldn't worry about Terry. He's doing just fine," Bernice replied with a small smirk.

Jen didn't have time to wonder what that all was about. Nick knocked on the door to tell them everything was ready. Bernice slipped out of the room to go find her seat in the chapel, giving Jen a kiss on the cheek before she left.

The music started up, and Nick walked down the aisle to the altar. He took his place and waited with a smile he couldn't contain. Jen was in the back, bending down as best she could to remind her babies what they were supposed to be doing.

"Okay, you hold hands and walk down there to Dad, alright?" she whispered.

Ella was well-rehearsed and knew just what to do. Cody, however, was resistant. "Mummy, I want to walk with you," he whined.

"I'm coming behind you. You have to stay with Ella. Now go to Dad, please," Jen insisted.

Ella took Cody's hand and practically dragged him down the aisle. She was smiling and waving at everyone and Cody's neck was craned behind him, keeping his eyes on his mother.

"Cody!" Nick whispered harshly.

The little boy turned to see his dad gesturing to him.

"Come stand by me, mate," he instructed.

Ella took her place in front as Cody reluctantly shuffled over to their dad. The minister watched them with a fond smile, and once they were settled, he gestured for everyone to stand.

The music swelled and everyone turned to watch as Jen began to walk down the aisle. It was a strange feeling, having a traditional wedding like this. She kept her eyes moving around the room, looking at her babies standing patiently up front, her mother watching with a look of slight surprise, Matty and Duncan and Rhys and Allie looking at her with awe and joy, Stanley and Terry and Bernice smiling with pride, Eloise and Nick's sisters all with tears in their eyes. And finally, when she reached the altar, she looked at Nick. And everything and everyone else just fell away.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Jennifer and Nick Buchanan. They have chosen on this day, the fifth anniversary of their marriage, to reaffirm their vows to one another in front of their friends and family. Nick and Jen, if you'll join hands," the minister instructed.

Jen handed her bouquet of white and yellow roses to Ella behind her. "Go sit with Auntie Bernice now," she whispered and then gestured for Cody to do the same. The babies ran right to the front pew to where Bernice sat. There was a bit of a scuffle as they fought over who could sit on her lap. Cody won out, since Ella had to guard the flowers.

"Nick, do you renew your vow to Jennifer, to have and hold, for better or worse, to comfort and cherish, as long as you both shall live?"

"I do." Nick's voice cracked slightly with the emotion he felt now, stronger than the day they'd first said these words. They'd built a life together and a family. Their vows were more than a promise to each other, they had been infused with life every day they'd been together.

"Jennifer, do you renew your vow to Nick, to have and hold, for better or worse, to comfort and cherish, as long as you both shall live?"

"I do." Jen's voice was clear and strong, though her eyes welled up with tears.

She was about to lean in for their kiss when the minister continued, "And now the rings."

Jen was about to protest, to explain that they didn't have rings, but Nick let go of her hands to reach into the pocket of his jacket and pull out a diamond ring and a gold band.

"Nick, repeat after me, please. May this ring be a reminder of our love and a symbol to the world of our union."

"May this ring be a reminder of our love and a symbol to the world of our union." Nick took Jen's left hand and placed the beautiful ring on her finger. It was shining yellow gold with an emerald cut diamond in the center and a cascade of smaller diamonds around the band.

"Oh my god, Nick, it's beautiful," she whispered.

"I'm glad you like it," he replied in relief. It had been quite a risk to spring the rings on Jen in the middle of the ceremony, but he felt like he knew her rather well by now, and he was pleased his instincts were right on the mark.

Then it was Jen's turn. "May this ring be a reminder of our love and a symbol to the world of our union," she proclaimed, slipping the wedding band on to Nick's finger.

"You may now kiss the bride," the minister informed Nick with a smile.

Nick pulled his wife close and kissed her, gently at first. Jen was smiling through the kiss, so he pressed her lips with a bit more force and turned their bodies to dip her low. What good was a wedding in front of a lot of people if he didn't get to show off just a little? Jen pulled away, laughing and clinging to him. He put her right-side up and gave her one last kiss. Everyone was cheering and applauding as they went back down the aisle together, hand in hand. Their babies immediately ran after them.

As they made their way to the reception tent in the garden of the chapel, Nick and Jen and Cody and Ella stopped for the photographer. They got dozens of shots of Nick and Jen smiling, gazing lovingly into each other's eyes, and then about a hundred more with the children with them, Jen holding Cody and Nick holding Ella, the babies standing at their parents' feet, and all four of them in a big family hug.

By the time they got to the tent, everyone was drinking and finding their tables. Duncan was engaged in a rather intimate-looking conversation with Nick's sister, Hope. Susan and Eloise, mothers of the bride and groom, looked like they were getting along. Terry seemed to be getting a stern lecture from Bernice and looked quite contrite about whatever it was about. Everywhere Nick looked, people he loved were talking and laughing and enjoying everything together. It was everything he'd ever wanted from a wedding, particularly because Jen and Cody and Ella were everything he'd ever wanted from life.

Nick went and got the microphone from the bandleader and asked everyone to please take their seats. He stood beside Jennifer at their table, glancing down to see the look of love in her eyes. "Right, hi everyone, thanks for coming. Before we let the food and drink and dancing get going, I wanted to say a few words to you all. I'm not really one for speeches, but Jen said I should do it because if she did, she'd cry too much and no one would let her hold a gun again."

Laughter filled the room as Jen swatted Nick's arm for that remark.

He continued, "When I was thinking about what I could possibly say about Jen and our family to you all to convey how much they mean to me, I realized that not many of you really know our story. Actually, other than Jen and I, no one knows the whole story. So I thought I'd finally tell it.

"Almost eleven years ago, I was recruited for an undercover operation to pose as a man who owned a company with his wife. I was on Homicide and the woman they got to play my wife was a brand new detective with Fraud, but despite her inexperience, she had impeccable marks on her exams and she looked the part. And within two weeks for meeting Jennifer Mapplethorpe, we were posing as husband and wife. We lived together undercover for three months. It was all strictly professional, but we got to know each other and we became good friends. By the end of the operation, I was madly in love with her. And how could I not be?"

Nick paused to grin at Jen and she blushed slightly, not ever having known that he'd fallen so hard for her so quickly. She had resisted her attraction to him slightly better. Or perhaps she had always been better at ignoring the yearnings of her heart.

"After we got back to our real lives, I asked her out. We were together for almost a year, living together unofficially and being happy, when tragedy struck. Now isn't the time or place to get into it, but at the time, Jen and I weren't strong enough to stick together through it. We let our sadness and anger take over, and we had a rather bitter breakup. And just a few months after that, Jen got seconded to Homicide just as I was put on a taskforce for two years. It wasn't till I got back to Homicide that I learned that I would be on the same squad as the woman I'd never gotten over. But we learned to work together, to use our understanding of each other to work our cases. And, if I do say so, we make a great team."

"Here, here!" Jarvis said, raising a glass to them.

Nick chuckled. "Thank you, Superintendent. Anyway, for those of you who aren't police officers, there's an unofficial rule against dating anyone on your crew. Commander Waverly usually insists that any couple be transferred so they aren't working on the same squad. And Jen and I knew that, but we took the risk. We were together for nearly a year before the risk got to great for us both, and Jen ended things."

Jen stared at her hands fidgeting in her lap, not being pleased with this part of their tale. She kept focused on the beautiful wedding ring she now wore, her reminder that their love had eventually gotten them through her fears.

"But obviously, we worked it out. I was kidnapped and held hostage and Jen saved my life. And it was after that, when I was recovering and Homicide was in danger of being disbanded, that we found our way to each other again and never looked back. We've had our ups and downs, we've had our fears and doubts, but through it all, we've figured out how to love and support each other. On the job, at home, in crisis, in joy. All of it. We got married and kept it a secret for the sake of our jobs. It took a while for the powers that be to understand that we work better together than we ever did apart. Jennifer and I are partners wherever we are, and that's what works for us. And now we're partners raising Cody and Ella, the greatest blessings in our lives. We never thought we'd be able to have children, so they came as a bit of a surprise, which scared the hell out of us," Nick added with a slight chuckle. Jen looked up at him again, tears shining in her eyes once more. He reached out and held her hand and concluded his speech, saying, "So after eleven years, two horrible breakups, dozens of Homicide cases, and two babies, we're both so proud to be able to stand in front of everyone we love and finally show you all who we really are." He sat down and gave Jen another kiss.

As they looked out among their friends and family, Nick and Jen saw the varying levels of surprise and comprehension on everyone's faces. Susan and Bernice and Danielle were the only people who knew about Jen's miscarriage, though now everyone had some understanding of what tragedy had ripped Nick and Jen apart all those years ago. Duncan and Matt had worked alongside Nick and Jen for years, never truly knowing what was going on with their dear friends when they weren't looking. Rhys and Allie, who had always had some suspicions about Nick and Jen, had no idea how deep their relationship truly ran.

In that moment, everyone in the room realized that all those fleeting little looks between Nick and Jen carried so much weight and unspoken emotion and intuitive communication. And yet, because of all their history and all that they'd shared, it was all they needed. Just glances.


End file.
